Shadows and Light

Yesterday was a very good day. I embraced the spirit of fun and let it warm all those around me. Even those who did not want it. It wasn't easy. The minute I entered our office, the problems descended upon me.

One man was having issues with what he was being asked to do by management. I reassured him and told him I was there if he needed support on the issue. That seemed to ease his burden. Then, I found out that I had two days to prepare a presentation for Grade 8 Parents Night. I smiled, while singing under my breath, and threw something together in my head. Check. During my first class, an awesome supply teacher came in to give me a heads up that trouble was stirring. One of the teachers in my department suddenly and without warning called in an indefinite leave of absence. In the middle of the semester... No problem. I took out my list of candidates I have for next semester's leaves and gave it to the office. We still had fun with Shakespeare in my class. They did choral readings. It was hilarious.

Normally, by the end of the day, I would have wanted to curl up into a ball, but no. I put together a proposal for a fun day of Professional Development for my department: browsing through various bookstores in the morning, followed by a pow wow at Future Bakery before we go to the workshop I am conducting regarding Blogging and the Classroom.

Then I got on the computer and blasted a song on You Tube: Beautiful UR by Deborah Cox and danced. :) Here it is! I dedicate it to you! :) Look at the lyrics! They are awesome. :)



Coming from the HIGH of yesterday's experience, we are asked to examine our shadows today. Look down and within. Okay, let's DO this! :)

I have never avoided shadows or my shadow self. Indeed I sought them out. Shadows are comfortable. You can hide in shadows, gain relief from relentless light. Shadows also hide aspects of ourselves we do not want to come into the firelight.

I am very acquainted with my shadow self because I speak to her nightly. We sit down with a hot beverage and discuss the events of the day.

"Why did you do that or say that?" I will ask curiously.
She will sip meditatively on her drink, and ponder before she answers. "I wasn't comfortable with the situation."
"Okay," I prompt, "What made you uncomfortable about it?"
"I feel powerless when I watch someone drowning themselves."
"Could there have been another way to handle that?"
She nods, "Yes. With compassion."
I smile.

With compassion.

I am a very compassionate person. If someone is troubled, I want to help. Not necessarily solve their problems, but help them find solutions for themselves. I have had to train my shadow self to stand back and allow others to find their own solutions sometimes. This is difficult for me, because where there is a problem, I know there is a solution. I guess that is my Capricorn Sun.

My higher self likes to find the good in most people. I acknowledge that we are all too human, and some people cast longer shadows. Some people don't have my ability or desire to get things done, yesterday if possible. My Sag ascendant is more thoughtful, more fluid. Warmer.

My shadow self strolls into town, with a shining star on her lapel. She lacks patience with some people's persistent refusal to find a solution and wallow in misery. She loses compassion, and tries to jar them out of their state. It sometimes works, like cold water wakens, and restores. Sometimes, it's just plain cruel, and I admonish my shadow self for being impatient.

My shadow self is not operating from a source of cruelty though, and that gives me relief as I fill her cup and continue the discussion.

"Yes, we kind of steam rolled over that person today. What can we do differently next time?"
"Wait?"
"For?" I prompt.
"Them to catch up?"
"Indeed. A gentle nudge sometimes is necessary, but we don't want anyone falling off the edge of the cliff."
We sip our drinks in communal silence.

Today, we will sit back, my shadow self and I and observe what she reacts to. I know there are certain people I work with that push my buttons. I want to know why. Well, truthfully, I do know why. They are passive-aggressive, and we, my shadow and I, do not like it. We are both very up-front and honest with our feelings. My shadow self is a little bit more brutal in that than I, but nevertheless, we both have that quality. That is why,we bristle when quiet, under-the-breath comments are made with the purpose to attack. That is why we, point out when a "joke" is just an excuse to proffer unsubtle criticism.

I can take criticism if it is honest and coming from a good place. But when criticism comes dodging from the shadows with an intent to maim. Not so much. There are a couple of women at work whose voices are gentle and soft. Their demeanor is always calm. Yet, they have the deadliest comments. They come out of the shadows like adders pouncing with disapproval. And they do it with a smile. I will observe them today, and more importantly, how I react to them. I will take a page from Jamie's blog today. :)

I want to affect a change. Not in them, because that is not within my power. But in me and how I react.

And maybe, just maybe, in changing my reaction, it might help them see their shadow selves. If not, at least I will have lightened the experience for my self. :)