The Extroverted Introvert

There is a huge spectrum of being within the introvert/extrovert scale. Most of us fall somewhere in the middle, but knowing where we fall on the spectrum is important in understanding ourselves and our interactions with people. It took me a while to figure myself out; but now that I have, it explains a lot about my actions and reactions.

An introvert is someone who finds social interactions draining and difficult. He/she likes to create a cave for themselves and is perfectly content in it. An extrovert is, obviously, the opposite. He/she is someone who loves and gets energy from interacting with people, not liking solitude in any of its forms. There are people who live comfortably in those extremes, and manage to live life successfully this way.

But that's not most of us. Most of us, out of necessity, interact with others, face-to- face, on a daily basis, while regularly finding ourselves, at times, alone. How well we deal with those situations depends on where we fall on the I/E scale. The more introverted we are, the less likely we are to pursue situations with many people, face-to-face. The more extroverted we are, the more we avoid being alone like the plague.

This is why the social media phenomenon is so popular. It satisfies the introverts by allowing them safe interactions, while feeding the extrovert's constant need to be in touch with others, even when there's no one physically around.

I'm an extroverted introvert. I feel most comfortable in my own company, or in the company of a chosen few. Although I can function in larger settings, even addressing large crowds of people, I have had to acquire that skill which does not come naturally. After having been in those situations, I feel drained and require solitude.

I have to encourage myself to be in large settings; I don't do so enthusiastically. That's the introverted part of me. If I can overcome it, which is about 70% of the time, I do so with method. At a party, I will mingle with one or two people at a time, asking them questions about themselves, taking the focus off me, and surviving it piecemeal; but when I get home from the party, I sigh in relief.

I am just as happy going to a movie alone, as going with my buds. I will overcome this to go to a concert that I love, or to a pub; but I don't enjoy clubs, parades and massive venues. I don't like crowds and get overwhelmed when there is a lot of stimulus and noise around me. That's when I create a safe haven in my head to overcome it, but as a rule, I avoid those situations completely.

Not so oddly, I can address big crowds of people, merely because there is a controlled space between them and me; but I cannot address a large crowd of people at a party. Having that much attention in such close proximity makes me uncomfortable.

Where is this all going?

Knowing these things about myself, allows be both to gauge whether I will attempt an experience or not and to develop tools of coping when I do go for it. It gives me peace of mind. I don't beat myself up when I pass on those situations; and when I do, I navigate them more comfortably.

It's an exercise in self-analysis I highly recommend. :)

Now Boarding

Do you ever get those dreams that make you wake up with tears in your eyes? I had one this morning. I dreamt that I was vacationing with friends of mine, friends I have known for decades, friends with whom I have all but lost touch. Not for lack of trying on my part.

We were at an airport about to go back home, when I told them how I felt about this distance that is ever-growing between us. They listened and were sympathetic, promising to keep in touch. Our flight was called and we gathered our things to cue up at the gate. As I was following them, I noticed they left some sunglasses behind - three pairs- and when I turned back from getting them, they had all disappeared.

They didn't even wait for me.

The last thought I had was, "It's okay. We're on the same flight."

I guess the symbolic and not so symbolic message of the dream is very clear. This feeling of abandonment the dream engendered is a familiar one, one I have dreamt about and have felt on several occasions; and as I slowly woke up, going through my morning routines, I realized it's time to let go.

No matter how much I try to keep in touch with people who have moved on in their lives, leaving me in their past, it's time to just collect myself and move on with mine. Trying to hold on to the precious memories of a past friendship, memories left behind like sunglasses at an airport diner, is sweet but futile.

Time to gather up myself, and cue up at the gate of new possibilities. And who knows, one day, we might find ourselves on the same flight.

Requiem for a Stinky Boy

I loved him from the first moment I laid eyes on him, in the birthday box smelling like baby powder. He fit in my palm, a soft bundle of  little grey tabby -all ears and tail and boundless energy. As he curled up and slept where I held him lightly to my chest, I fell deeper in love. He became my furry son.

His name was Stinky. Before you judge me, know that he actually chose this. I tried every interesting name I could think of but he wouldn't respond to any of them. Then one day, after he took one of his famous nature breaks, I passed by the litter box and exclaimed, "Oh my GOD! That's so stinky!" He stopped in mid-trot, turning to look at me. "Is that the name you want?" I asked incredulously. I tested it out a little later, calling him by that name, and there he was, trotting toward me from some corner he was exploring. He responded to Stinky for the 18 years he honored me with his company.

He's been with me for every day after that, barring that terrible night he stayed over at the vet's after being neutered. He's curled up next to be and slept, soundly snoring. We've played hide and seek; he's sunk his teeth into me a few times; we stared out the window together, each in our own reveries. He took my papers hostage, terrorized some of my friends, hid all my hair accessories, and faced the many changes in our loves with me.

Two weeks ago, life happened. He had been acting increasingly unsettled and meowing mournfully, so I decided to let him go outside which he'd done only a few times in his life. He was an indoor cat; but he would explore the world close to home, on occasion, and come back a few hours later. He hasn't been home since. 

I have been struggling with emotions of guilt and torment, resignation and acceptance. If I had not let him out, he would be still with me. Yet, I did not want to keep him prisoner, since it seemed he longed for freedom. Possibly one last hoorah. I have been praying that he hasn't suffered. That he's found the freedom he sought. That he is where he wants to be and he's happy. Yet, I ache for him, and the pain overtakes me. He was the last of my family, and I have been mourning for his loss.

Today, I celebrate his life. He was a splendid boy. Mischievous, funny, smart and loving. No one could have asked for a better son. And today, I take the time to honor him wherever he roams.

I love you Stinky. Thank you for being in my life.

The Wrong Man

It's as simple as a choice, but any given choice can be monumental, no matter how simple or difficult. We make choices every day sometimes without even thinking about them because they have been so ingrained into our subconscious. They almost seem instinctive, but they're not. They're learned, like deciding which route to take home. What items to order from a take-out menu. Who we're attracted to.

We've all made choices that we question, in hindsight. The "if only I had" is probably one of the most common statements. There are many choices that I've made without knowing that they would turn out to be staggering turning points in my life. I've let opportunities go. I've taken wrong turns. I've chosen questionable paths. But, I can't be too hard on myself because I did the best I could do with the information, the perspective and the maturity I had at the time.

And I chose the wrong men. Almost like clockwork.

It would be easy to become bitter, saying all men are pigs; but that's just ignorant. There are many wonderful, courageous, intelligent, caring, loving, admirable men out there. I just didn't choose them. I fell into a pattern of destructive relationships.

Given that I was emotionally stunted, physically tortured and psychologically impaired early in my childhood, it makes absolute sense. I grew up without the invaluable education of getting to know the opposite sex. So, it's not surprising that mistrust and fear became ingrained in me. Experience became instinct; an instinct that has brought me to where I am today.

At 17, I started with a series of anguished crushes on men who neither had the knowledge nor the capacity to understand someone such as myself. They probably didn't know I existed while I went through into the nightmarish world of unrequited love- the kind of love that not only is the loneliest, but one that leaves the most emotional scars in a person already rife with them.

My first full fledged boyfriend, at the age of 20 seemed to start with promise. I met him at a bar, and fell in love with him because he asked to brush my hair. How was I to know that this unbelievably romantic beginning would end in disaster a year later? It turned out that this sweet gentle man, chosen because he was so unlike the abusive role models I grew up with, would eventually cheat on me, get another woman pregnant and marry her, all while still carrying on a relationship with me.

That was not an auspicious beginning. It was followed by a string of misses until I met the man I was to eventually marry 3 years later. After his divorce at the age of 27, he came to stay with his mom who lived in my apartment building. I noticed him because he would start coming out to the terrace where I hung out with my coffee and crossword puzzles. He was a gentle, funny and loving guy. How was I to know that he also  was a dead beat dad with a drug problem? I found that out after we got married.

In the four years we were together, our relationship became a project for me. In the beginning, I got him to pay his ex-wife child support, to go back to school and get a better paying job. I cleaned up his look. I reinvented the man. I was so proud of him, until I noticed he spent hours in the bathroom, could not sustain an erection and was acting very erratically. Three years into our marriage, I stopped sharing his bed, stopped being his partner, and became his therapist. By the fourth year, I gave up trying and got out to save myself.

I was 27, bruised by two shatteringly disappointing relationships, and clueless as to what went wrong. I needed to rally myself and find a way to navigate life and romance. That's when I discovered the treacherous world of online and embarked into an even more destructive set of relationships.

But that's a story for another day.

Today, I'm wiser. I understand what went wrong, but I'm still struggling with the aftereffects. If I'm ever to have a healthy, fulfilling relationship with a man, I need to navigate into safer emotional waters. I need to identify the trigger within myself, all the barriers I have put up, and finally be free.

The Factor of Zero

The journey toward change and understanding has two legs: reflection and action. These two must go hand in hand in order to achieve anything successfully. One without the other would cause an imbalance that would topple the blocks and make us start all over again. Without reflection, there's impulsive action; without action, there's endless reflection. As I reflect here, I act out there. My thoughts have become the blueprint of my decision to change my life into something more meaningful, productive and fun.

To that end, I need to make the following disclaimer. This is really a communication with myself, a communication I'm making public in the hopes that it might help anyone else in some small way. It's also a way of keeping myself honest - when I hit "publish", I'm committing to my words. In order to reach this point in my process, I have had to overcome the fear of being scorned, or judged, or pitied because of what I am publishing here. It's of vital importance I do not censor the feelings, thoughts and words that need to come out for fear of public scrutiny. I know it comes with the territory and I'm good with it.

I have noticed what I like to call the factor of zero come into play in my life quite often. It's the nadir to the zenith, the low to the high, the exhale to the inhale. My life all but empties out of people. It's as if it's multiplied by zero; and we know anything that's multiplied by zero equals zero. For whatever reason, whether by decision or circumstance, I lose people. They never call again; they move on with their lives, without me.

I tried to stay in touch often realizing that I'm the only one putting in the effort. One sided relationships never work, so I gave up, doing what I have been trained to do - blame and berate myself. I would ponder, some say obsess, about the reasons why this happened, what I did wrong, why I am so cursed, or boring or unlovable. I felt like a deflated tire tossed in the landfill of life.

How freaking dramatic, right?

On the opposite side of the coin, I have had to make the difficult decision of cutting off some people out of my life. This is no judgement on them; sometimes in relationships there's a chemical imbalance, the explosion of vinegar and baking soda. We're just not good for each other. These decisions have been difficult indeed because they often happen during the zero factor phases in my life. This is made doubly difficult by the looming threat of aloneness. I don't say loneliness because I am comfortable in my own company; and I can amuse myself; but I would be lying if I said I don't need people. Quite the opposite is true. I need a consistent tribe in my life.

The question remains, what factors need to come into play so that I can achieve this? How can I eliminate the factor of zero once and for all? This is where action will come into play.

Navigating People

Sometimes human interaction is the most difficult field to navigate especially when it comes to those people with whom you have to interact daily. Although these relationships are forced by a professional environment, they quickly become personal. We are human after all. In reality, there is no such thing as a purely professional relationship unless it's computer to computer. We can try to suppress our animal/human instincts for survival, combat and acceptance, but they're there despite our best efforts.

As I have always been a student of human behavior, and happen to work in education which is rife with human interaction, I have been developing a cheat sheet of character types. In order to survive this treacherous landscape, it's wise to know who your true allies are, and who are just masking themselves as such. This is what I've observed:

The Impersonator: This person says one thing but means another. It's the person being friendly and open when her body language, choice of words, facial expressions and actions actually say the opposite. It's the guy who walks in the room with a bravado in his step, and an impossibly wide smile plastered on his face whose eyes betray an anger that chills the blood. It's the woman who thinks she is so open-minded and accepting but whose lips and fists tighten whenever anyone does not agree with her. You have to become Zen in your dealings with these people and read them like leaves in a tea cup.

The Diplomat: This person cannot commit to having an opinion. It's not that they don't have an opinion; it's that they don't want anyone to know it. They'll speak whole sentences or paragraphs without really saying anything. You're left to dive for the gist of their meaning, trying to glean a pearl of wisdom when in reality all they're saying is, "I'm not taking a stand on anything." Head down. Shoulders to the wheel. Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming. Away. Best way to deal with them is not ask for their opinion...

The Assassin: This person is prone to sudden, quiet attacks often in the form of passive-aggressive statements whose aim is to paralyze and poison. He won't come right out and say it; he'll ninja-cut you. This leaves most people unable to react. It's hard to counter or confront passive aggression without looking like a bully or a harsh person. Either way they win. You don't say anything, their barb is unchallenged. You say something and you're mean. I've found the best way to deal with them is evasion tactics. Stay the hell away from them.

The Expert: They know everything about everything better, faster and more completely than anyone else. Their mechanic is cheaper and fairer. Their portfolio is more diverse. Their kids are more accomplished. Their sex more acrobatic. Their groceries are cheaper.  Their knowledge more omnipotent. You just have to resign yourself to the understanding that compared to them your life sucks, your experience is minimal and you don't look as good doing it. Humming your favorite tune in your head or aloud, if you dare, while they're speaking is the perfect antidote...

The Subversive: This person might say that she has your back but what she means is she will hand your backside to you. This the false ally. The person on whom you might count but when the fecal matter hits the fan, he will support your opponent not you. And it doesn't have to be in overly dramatic ways. It might be an ill-placed nod or silence when you're being given a new rear aperture. Or, it might be a dramatic attempt to play "Devil's Advocate" with closing arguments for the prosecution instead of the defense. I don't know about you, but I don't trust attorneys on the Prince of Darkness' team... Get another lawyer.

The Back Seat Driver: This person knows more about your life than you do, and gets very irritated when you're not steering your decisions based on their infinitely wise navigation skills. It's the person who's ready with advice even though you haven't asked for any. They give you a tissue for your gaping wound. They point out exactly how screwed up you are just at the moment you're most vulnerable and then tell you to "suck it up." You're finding that the shoulder offered to you is made of bedrock and judgement. Tell them to walk.

The Fluffer: This the person who likes to prepare you for the scene of your demise. They pump you up with fake praise that they'll readily offer to anyone at any time. It's their self-ascribed job. But when it's time for them to confirm those words in front of others, they don't put their money where their hands have been. They fade into the background and leave you exposed under the glaring lights. Thank them politely and tell them you've got everything handled. :)

The Demolitionist: This person's sole purpose is to undermine everything you've worked for. They're equipped with an infinite amount of wrenches and explosives that they're more than willing to hurl at any of your projects or plans. Their weapon of choice begins with "yes, but..." There's always some unforeseen problem or issue. They never seem to have a better option or a solution. They just like to dismantle not build. You often find yourself fitting them for concrete boots in your mind. The best thing is to turn the tables on them and ask them for an alternative to the problem. That usually shuts them up!

That's it for now. Next time, I'll be dealing with a whole other slew of characters: the incompetents.

How do I Love Thee?

What do you call a cross between a romantic and a pragmatist? I don't know; but I am one of them.

I have had many discussions over the past few weeks with women about relationships. And some common themes keep coming up, over and over. Disappointment. Disillusionment. Disenchantment.

Here is the thing. I believe in love. In the truest sense of the word. I believe there is the perfect person for each person. Maybe there are multiple people for each person. The issue is, we have to find that person. That person has to find us. That's where luck, destiny, karma, whatever you want to call it comes into play. This belief makes me a romantic.

The problem is, many of us spend an inordinate amount of time, emotion, and commitment with those who aren't. We settle. We think we can make the best of the situation. We think we can change or change the other person. We bind ourselves in wrong relationships out of fear of being alone, fear of being a social failure because the pressures to be in a relationship are ridiculous. So, if our focus is on something that isn't working, how can we be present and available to discover something that will?

But can we leave it to chance? What if we never meet the one? What if we are destined to always be that single person in a sea of couples? What if that notion is pure crap?

So what? Does that mean we have to spend our lives being unhappy with ourselves, with living? Does that mean we compromise our very being not to be alone? Does that mean we have to make ourselves change to be with someone else? Or we have to fine-tune the other person so that he/she becomes who we want them to be?

If we cannot be who we are with the person we have chosen to share our lives with, if he or she cannot be themselves, then what's the point? Who are we? Who are we with? How can it work?

Bottom line. It can't. Being in a relationship should not be work. We should not be trying to make it work. It should be freeing, easy, uplifting.

Sure, in every relationship there is adjustment. Adjustment to the other person, his/her space, separate interests, perspective, other people in their lives and their lives before us. But that adjustment shouldn't be existentially painful. It shouldn't feel like we are hiding significant aspects of who we are. It shouldn't mean we have to be perfect, because perfection is relative.

It should be like a flower opening up to a bee.

Sure, every relationship has its challenges, its conflicts, its issues. We are human after all, and those arise whether we are in a relationship or not. We are not defined by the problems we encounter. We are defined in how we approach them. If our relationship creates problems, if we find ourselves facing the other like a combatant on the field, then how is this a nurturing relationship? Who is our ally in the conflict? Who do we talk to if not to the person with whom we are facing the challenge? If we can't work together, why are we even bothering?

A relationship should not make us feel inadequate. Should not make us feel like failures. It should allow us to love ourselves even more. It should allow our entities to embrace the other as he or she is. In our good days and our bad. It should be a breath of fresh air, not a labored gasp for oxygen.

The Tribe Has Spoken

(click on image to enlarge)

I had every intention of blogging yesterday, and reading everyone's blogs. Alas... I had a PILE of work to catch up on and I worked steadily 'til I threw my weary body into bed.

Also, I got a particularly insidious email from a colleague yesterday... It threw me for a loop because I had no idea where this woman was coming from! It's someone I used to associate with a few years ago, but whose drinking problem, and the fact that she can be mean when drunk, made me distance myself. We hadn't hung out or even talked on the phone for almost two years. The problem is, I work with the woman so I must stay civil. After almost two years, she sends me an email asking me if I am "pissed" with her, and that she misses our "friendship" and to be "honest" with her. Unholy ambush from hell! I am certainly not going to be honest with her; that would be shattering. I had no idea what to reply, so I didn't. Guess who I have to have a little chat with today? Universe, please give me strength! If you have any helpful comments or suggestions, I welcome them!

Anyway...

Can you say groggy? I was spoiled these past two weeks, and it has been made sharply obvious how much I L♥VE having complete control of my time. I really need to become financially independent to allow me to work half-time. It's been a relaxing two weeks. I will try to make that last as long as I can. Is it 3:15 yet? :)

As a way not to lose my mind completely yesterday, I made the above manifestation collage for 2009. I had to have some time to PL☻Y too! I need every positive reinforcement I can get, as I am going back into the pit of negativity and stress today. Wish I could just beam myself into my class and beam myself out of there when I am done teaching. :)

And so...

The Tribe has spoken! A M♦C laptop it is! Okay, now to find the most economical way of purchasing one and getting as many programs on it as I can. Any suggestions?

I want to close my brief morning post by saying THANK Y♥U for all your amazingly supportive, encouraging and helpful comments. I wish I could fill the whole world with you all. I wish I could fill my job with you all :)

I will be chanting all day EMBRACE JOYOUS MAGIC in my head.

Please wish me L♣CK! I will post an update later... :)

And here is the update:

I acted on my need to distance myself from the extreme noise and negativity today, and I stayed in my classroom during lunch, catching up on the copious amount of work I have. I ate my lunch there.

And
it
was
bliss.

A peaceful bubble of delicious
peace
and
quiet.

I will be doing that again! When I popped into the office to get and heat up my lunch (leftover mango curry chicken! and a clementine) I heard. "So what did you get for Christmas? (not even a pause). I got a guitar, and a necklace, and..." I tuned out. I went back to my blissful room.

But... the bliss was challenged.

After lunch was my prep period, and guess who I share it with?

Mhm. You guessed it. Little Miss Ray of Sunshine.

I decided I wasn't going to get into it today, if ever. That is what my higher self told me to do. Ignore the ramblings of a self-absorbed mad woman.

I got on the computer to finish my copious amounts of work for my classes and for the department...

It began.

"Did you get my email?"

Oh sweet chili pepper poultice on my butt... I lied. I am not proud, but I did. "Nope. What's up."
( I actually wanted to see how she would verbalize the issue.)

"I just feel that you were pissed at me before the break."

"Why do you think I was pissed?"

"Well, I don't know why you were pissed, but you were distant before the break and it happened again last year before Christmas." (Okay now distant = pissed: duly noted)

"Well, first of all I was not pissed. How I was feeling had nothing to do with you. Perhaps you might remember that I lost my mother just before last Christmas and my father this past August. It tends to put a damper on the festive spirit. (Subtext: it ain't always about you.)"

"Oh. Well, I thought that..." Silence. Cue the tears. D.r.a.m.a. Sorry not playing.

"Anyway, now you know. There are things in my life, that have nothing to do with you or anyone in my place of employment. I'm glad we clarified this issue, now if you will excuse me, I really need to get this done."

For those of you who don't know me, I may sound like a cold bitch, but I put my time in that relationship, only to be abused time and again. Crocodile tears do not affect me. In the past, I would be stumbling all over myself to make her feel better, when really I was the injured party. I have changed, and for that I am proud. I controlled my anger at being ambushed like that, and I let it go, but I was not going to play the game. I'm done with games. You cannot force people to like you, or to hang out with you, not by bribing them, not through coercion, not using guilt.

And that's okay. :)

Surprisingly my bliss was not shattered. I went for a coffee with another colleague of mine and we chatted for a bit, then I had my last class. (Did I mention I love my classes and my students, with all their flaws and magnificence?)

And at the end of the day. For a change. I was not a ball of tension. I did what I had to do and I got the hell out of Dodge. :)

I hope your day had some bliss in it! :)

Blessed be! :)

Soul Companions

The above represents to me the deepest part of love and life. The dance of souls connecting freely and unbound by earthly considerations. I call it ballet. (click on it to see it larger)

I would like to begin by saying Thank You to Marilyn and by extension Jamie for the link to Denise Linn's Soul Coaching.

It's especially crucial for me, because I lost my book. :( I looked for it last night, only to remember I took it to the gym with me yesterday morning, but it was not in my (Wonder Woman, mhm) gym bag. I must admit I experienced panic and felt a bit of a dufus. I called the gym but they did not have it. So that's when I reached a turning point. I didn't beat myself up and I didn't bemoan my "bad luck". I thought, "Well it must have gone to someone who needs it more at this moment. Someone found it, and took it instead of returning it, because she needed it. I will find a way to get another one."
And the universe replied through Marilyn and Jamie! Thank you Universe! Thank you ladies!

I had a dream last night that I believe is very portentous, melding perfectly with today's focus.

I don't remember the whole dream ( I really must learn how to recall my full dreams), but I do remember the most pithy part. I was a Super Hero. Teehee. There were two males with me. A Super Hero and a Super Villain. In our struggle, because of course there was a struggle, we reached an impasse. There was only one way to traverse to safety over deadly terrain, by swinging across. I called to my companion to follow closely, as I knotted my magical rope (Wonder Woman?) into a loop at the end and tossed it to a sturdy tree branch, tightening the loop. I swung across, yelling I would throw the rope to him. As he reached for the rope, the villain cracked his whip, impeding him. My Super Hero, let go of the rope so as not to get me pulled back into the fray, shouting "Go on ahead, I will be right behind you." And I did, knowing that he would. And I woke up.

Damn. I always wake up too soon. But wow, what a dream! Its interpretations swarm my mind, cluttering to come to the forefront, and I must set them to order before they come scrambling out incoherently. I welcome your interpretations in the meantime.

Today is about honoring relationships. With the Creator, with our parents, with ourselves, with the people around us, discovering patterns.

I can write a book about this, and I believe today, I will be adding to this post all day. In fact, I wish I had all day today to devote to this exercise because I know it is important to me.

You see, I used to always feel alone, as a human being. Since I was a child, I could feel my solitude wrapped around me, and although I had relationships with people, I used to feel the odd person out. The round peg in a sea of square holes. The third girl in a trio of friends. The third wheel in couples. The lonely soul in the marriage. The voice in the desert.

Still, I always had a connection to the universal soul from which we all sprung. I could never understand what or who that was, but I always believed. I read religious texts voraciously. I went to churches and synagogues, temples and mosques. I read about Tao, Zen, Buddha's teachings, Jesus' words. I did not know which to espouse, so I espoused the best of them. Still, I believed without a doubt that there was a purpose to our lives, that we were not results of a freak accident.

I used to wonder if I was the one soul without the mate. I pondered if there was something about me that could not inspire lasting love. I lost friends. I lost lovers. I lost my parents.

That was the turning point for me. When I lost both my parents, I lost faith. I felt like the darkness had descended on me and grief swallowed my very existence. My relationship with my parents was not idyllic, but I know they loved me and I loved them, unconditionally, and that was gone. I was gone. My belief in my purpose was gone.

Until a few weeks ago.

I used that fearless determination of mine and started to singlehandedly pull myself away from the impasse, the deadly terrain I had found myself in. I used the rope fashioned by people's encouragement and love. I was never alone. In my fog, I realized, there were people rooting for me, supporting me, and to them I owe my life. Danette's gentle nudges, her continued and loving support for my efforts. Emily's boundless caring and her hand on my shoulder. Vasya's insistence in making sure I had my god daughter and her with me in my darkest moments. Dawn's humour and persistence in making me watch funny movies As I write this, the tears are falling, the typos increase. Thank the universe for spell check.

Then I was washed by the warm, loving, cleansing water of this lovely community that I swim in. Soul Coaching could have fallen the way of so many other inspirational works I have read and studied and followed. What makes it unique, miraculous, and life-giving is each and every one of you. I am so, so deeply thankful. May the bounties of the heavens rain blessings upon each and every one of you. Thank you.

Am I completely healed? I am not there yet, but on my way. I have found my center again, and it is getting stronger with each rejuvenating breath I take, with each restorative glass of water I drink.