The Factor of Zero

The journey toward change and understanding has two legs: reflection and action. These two must go hand in hand in order to achieve anything successfully. One without the other would cause an imbalance that would topple the blocks and make us start all over again. Without reflection, there's impulsive action; without action, there's endless reflection. As I reflect here, I act out there. My thoughts have become the blueprint of my decision to change my life into something more meaningful, productive and fun.

To that end, I need to make the following disclaimer. This is really a communication with myself, a communication I'm making public in the hopes that it might help anyone else in some small way. It's also a way of keeping myself honest - when I hit "publish", I'm committing to my words. In order to reach this point in my process, I have had to overcome the fear of being scorned, or judged, or pitied because of what I am publishing here. It's of vital importance I do not censor the feelings, thoughts and words that need to come out for fear of public scrutiny. I know it comes with the territory and I'm good with it.

I have noticed what I like to call the factor of zero come into play in my life quite often. It's the nadir to the zenith, the low to the high, the exhale to the inhale. My life all but empties out of people. It's as if it's multiplied by zero; and we know anything that's multiplied by zero equals zero. For whatever reason, whether by decision or circumstance, I lose people. They never call again; they move on with their lives, without me.

I tried to stay in touch often realizing that I'm the only one putting in the effort. One sided relationships never work, so I gave up, doing what I have been trained to do - blame and berate myself. I would ponder, some say obsess, about the reasons why this happened, what I did wrong, why I am so cursed, or boring or unlovable. I felt like a deflated tire tossed in the landfill of life.

How freaking dramatic, right?

On the opposite side of the coin, I have had to make the difficult decision of cutting off some people out of my life. This is no judgement on them; sometimes in relationships there's a chemical imbalance, the explosion of vinegar and baking soda. We're just not good for each other. These decisions have been difficult indeed because they often happen during the zero factor phases in my life. This is made doubly difficult by the looming threat of aloneness. I don't say loneliness because I am comfortable in my own company; and I can amuse myself; but I would be lying if I said I don't need people. Quite the opposite is true. I need a consistent tribe in my life.

The question remains, what factors need to come into play so that I can achieve this? How can I eliminate the factor of zero once and for all? This is where action will come into play.