Respect

(Rally for Respect, Mel Lastman Square)

Yesterday, I participated along with thousands of my fellow high school teachers in a rally. We have been without a contract and the negotiations are stalled.

Why you ask?

It's not about money. It's not about benefits. It's about Respect. It's about giving the Principals more power to deploy us as security guards in the schools. The trustees want us to monitor the hallways, stairwells, and cafeterias in the schools. They feel this is a solution to the growing safety concern in some if not most schools. Give teachers more to do. Yeah. Good one.

In our school we have had four fights, that I know of, just this week. One hall monitor got punched in the eye and another one in the ribs.

Alarming isn't it? Especially so when I tell you ours is not an "inner city" school. Why then?

• There are about 300 students more than should be in that school while neighboring schools are under-enrolled.
• There is a reluctance on the part of the administration to involve police as a result of the "progressive discipline" law which was put in place because of racial profiling in some schools.
• There is a growing population of students whose needs are not being met by the curriculum and with whom teachers are ill-prepared to deal.

Anyway, the bottom line is - Houston, we have a problem.

The problem cannot be solved by unleashing teachers into the hallways. What is it that we are trained and allowed to do? Can I take down a student? No. Will the student listen to me if I tell them to cease and desist? No. Will I get punched? Oh hell, no!

As it is, this week I have been working almost non-stop at school and at home, nights and on the weekends, to prepare lessons, mark, prepare grades, call parents, meet with parents, run the department, go looking for a missing projector, counsel students, photocopy, meet with administrators, plan courses.

I am exhausted.

When I am done work, I have turned into a boiled cabbage leaf. I have no energy to do anything other than sit and stare.

I have done no painting. I missed Wishcasting Wednesdays. I am having trouble catching up with my favorite bloggers. I won't even mention that I have no time to go for a coffee or a drink and chill.

And what is my employer telling me after all this? That I am not doing enough. That all my work in preparing interesting and relevant lessons, providing modifications for students, making sure all my students have the requisite skills, making time to tutor and counsel students during lunch and after school is not enough!

I challenge them to come and do a better job, because, honey, I know I can do their job better.

Anyway.

I have a meeting after school today with Publishers. They have contacted me to write two textbooks. That is good news, as that means extra income, and being published. Is it a dream come true? No, but it's a step in the right direction for sure. When will I find the time to do this? Who needs sleep, right?

Dude.

March break cannot come soon enough.

Cynics and Scapes

I had a couple of "encounters" yesterday with people from the Tribe of Negative. They spewed their cynicism and criticism, trying to dominate a foothold into my consciousness. Guess what happened? They didn't succeed.

I can be a cynic. I have been accused by those who judge too quickly that I am. Sometimes truth can be seen as cynicism. Sometimes when I point out the disingenuous, I can be called a cynic. But I have not put someone down, and certainly not for the sake of making myself feel better.

I can be sarcastic. Hello? I'm a Capricorn. We have it patented. But, my sarcasm is more societal than personal. My sarcasm is my sharp wit, but it is not used to cut someone up into shreds (unless they ask for it). Not to make myself feel smarter than someone who is feeling low. I don't take someone's genuine intent and belittle it, publicly, for the sake of humour so my nasties can laugh. That's just playground bully tactics.

I often tell my students that there is an intrinsic difference between a critique and criticism. And that is in intent.

When one critiques, one takes an objective look at a product, and assesses it first for its successful aspects, and then makes suggestions for its aspects that fall short. Critiques are valuable both to the creator and to the person offering his/her opinion. It is not a personal attack.

Criticism is. People use criticism to find fault, to belittle, to tear apart someone's genuine effort. The critic pretends to be objective, but the criticism takes on an ugly face. It attacks the creator through his/her creation.

I know many will not agree with this differentiation, but it is key. There is value in pointing out where something can be bettered, where weaknesses can become strengths, and anyone who offers their work up for public consumption must be prepared for it.

The problem is, we now live in a society where tearing someone down has become this mob mentality of gleeful destruction. Look at any "entertainment news" show. Read some reviews. Go to some "spoof" blogs whose sole purpose is to make their cronies laugh at the expense of someone else's genuine attempts/endeavours.

Anyway. I had to get that out! Thank you for indulging me. :)

I am not going to go into further details, because these people do not need encouragement or acknowledgment. But I will thank them. Because they showed me their true colors, and they showed me who I do not want in my life. And that is wonderful! :)

So now. Art.

Treescape

(click on image to enlarge)

I have always been engrossed by trees. Metaphorically they offer their root system for grounding, their reaching up toward the sun for freedom, their many faces for emotions. Spiritually, they offer the solace of endurance, stability, nourishment, and safety. Trees can be majestic or frightening, depending on the setting, the circumstances, the scene. There are so many types of trees, each with his/her own personality. They bear fruit. They flower. They carry houses where laughter and secret societies bloom. They sway in the tropical breezes, or shiver in the frosty fog. Trees are tall and stately, or dwarfed and knotty. They have faces; they have life force; they have wisdom. Trees are just plain magical. So I painted trees. In PS for the first time. And guess who came to visit? Little red and a magpie! :) But I didn't stop there. :)

I have always been captivated by graphic novels, anime, and their artistic style. So I decided, I would experiment to see what I could do with it. Remember, I'm a total newbie. But here it is:

Toonscape

(click on the image to enlarge)

I painted the girl and man trying to make it as stylized as my outdated PS and mouse will allow. (I simply must get a tablet!) I worked on the shading, and its a bit off kilter, but trust me when I say, hours of work on them and multiple layers to even approximate the effect I was going for.

Some of you might recognize this man. He has appeared in two of my Tarot cards, and is a face that recurs.

The backdrop is from a picture a friend sent me long ago of a neighbourhood in NYC. She didn't include the name of the place and I have long ago lost track of her (sad), so I cannot enlighten you. I manipulated the light and texture to make it more stylized to go with the effect I am trying to create. Et voila! Toonscape.

I am committed to trying as many new things and styles as possible in my creative ventures.

One thing I have been mulling over was to resurrect an online magazine (e-zine) I started a few years back with a partner who dropped out almost immediately because of personal issues. It was a tongue-in-cheek woman's magazine hosted by a character we created called "Moana". We called the magazine "Ola! Moana". My friend, Danette, drew most of the images that went with the various sections. It has been now prodding me daily and the idea is now screaming. "Make me into a new blog!"

Can I ignore screaming?

I don't even know where I have put all the material. Do I start from scratch? Can I keep up with this blog and all the wonderful bloggers, the two blog projects I am participating in, my art, my job and this?

I have a lot to think about, no?

What do you think? :)

May your days be merry, full of wonderful scapes and no nasties! :)

Blessed be :)

The Tribe Has Spoken

(click on image to enlarge)

I had every intention of blogging yesterday, and reading everyone's blogs. Alas... I had a PILE of work to catch up on and I worked steadily 'til I threw my weary body into bed.

Also, I got a particularly insidious email from a colleague yesterday... It threw me for a loop because I had no idea where this woman was coming from! It's someone I used to associate with a few years ago, but whose drinking problem, and the fact that she can be mean when drunk, made me distance myself. We hadn't hung out or even talked on the phone for almost two years. The problem is, I work with the woman so I must stay civil. After almost two years, she sends me an email asking me if I am "pissed" with her, and that she misses our "friendship" and to be "honest" with her. Unholy ambush from hell! I am certainly not going to be honest with her; that would be shattering. I had no idea what to reply, so I didn't. Guess who I have to have a little chat with today? Universe, please give me strength! If you have any helpful comments or suggestions, I welcome them!

Anyway...

Can you say groggy? I was spoiled these past two weeks, and it has been made sharply obvious how much I L♥VE having complete control of my time. I really need to become financially independent to allow me to work half-time. It's been a relaxing two weeks. I will try to make that last as long as I can. Is it 3:15 yet? :)

As a way not to lose my mind completely yesterday, I made the above manifestation collage for 2009. I had to have some time to PL☻Y too! I need every positive reinforcement I can get, as I am going back into the pit of negativity and stress today. Wish I could just beam myself into my class and beam myself out of there when I am done teaching. :)

And so...

The Tribe has spoken! A M♦C laptop it is! Okay, now to find the most economical way of purchasing one and getting as many programs on it as I can. Any suggestions?

I want to close my brief morning post by saying THANK Y♥U for all your amazingly supportive, encouraging and helpful comments. I wish I could fill the whole world with you all. I wish I could fill my job with you all :)

I will be chanting all day EMBRACE JOYOUS MAGIC in my head.

Please wish me L♣CK! I will post an update later... :)

And here is the update:

I acted on my need to distance myself from the extreme noise and negativity today, and I stayed in my classroom during lunch, catching up on the copious amount of work I have. I ate my lunch there.

And
it
was
bliss.

A peaceful bubble of delicious
peace
and
quiet.

I will be doing that again! When I popped into the office to get and heat up my lunch (leftover mango curry chicken! and a clementine) I heard. "So what did you get for Christmas? (not even a pause). I got a guitar, and a necklace, and..." I tuned out. I went back to my blissful room.

But... the bliss was challenged.

After lunch was my prep period, and guess who I share it with?

Mhm. You guessed it. Little Miss Ray of Sunshine.

I decided I wasn't going to get into it today, if ever. That is what my higher self told me to do. Ignore the ramblings of a self-absorbed mad woman.

I got on the computer to finish my copious amounts of work for my classes and for the department...

It began.

"Did you get my email?"

Oh sweet chili pepper poultice on my butt... I lied. I am not proud, but I did. "Nope. What's up."
( I actually wanted to see how she would verbalize the issue.)

"I just feel that you were pissed at me before the break."

"Why do you think I was pissed?"

"Well, I don't know why you were pissed, but you were distant before the break and it happened again last year before Christmas." (Okay now distant = pissed: duly noted)

"Well, first of all I was not pissed. How I was feeling had nothing to do with you. Perhaps you might remember that I lost my mother just before last Christmas and my father this past August. It tends to put a damper on the festive spirit. (Subtext: it ain't always about you.)"

"Oh. Well, I thought that..." Silence. Cue the tears. D.r.a.m.a. Sorry not playing.

"Anyway, now you know. There are things in my life, that have nothing to do with you or anyone in my place of employment. I'm glad we clarified this issue, now if you will excuse me, I really need to get this done."

For those of you who don't know me, I may sound like a cold bitch, but I put my time in that relationship, only to be abused time and again. Crocodile tears do not affect me. In the past, I would be stumbling all over myself to make her feel better, when really I was the injured party. I have changed, and for that I am proud. I controlled my anger at being ambushed like that, and I let it go, but I was not going to play the game. I'm done with games. You cannot force people to like you, or to hang out with you, not by bribing them, not through coercion, not using guilt.

And that's okay. :)

Surprisingly my bliss was not shattered. I went for a coffee with another colleague of mine and we chatted for a bit, then I had my last class. (Did I mention I love my classes and my students, with all their flaws and magnificence?)

And at the end of the day. For a change. I was not a ball of tension. I did what I had to do and I got the hell out of Dodge. :)

I hope your day had some bliss in it! :)

Blessed be! :)

Aerial Acrobatics

Don't you hate it when your mind just says, "Wake up!" and you look at the time and it's 4 am? And you don't need to roll out of bed for another two hours?

Too much on my mind, maybe? Taken on a wee bit too much, perhaps? Allowing little things to take over my mental state, possibly?

I have always had the need to solve problems. Roll up my sleeves and get things done. I'm not one to whine and complain and then go about and finish my sandwich. I need to get things resolved.

Problems arise when I have to count on others to help. That's when it gets sticky. Not everyone is like me.

"That's a great idea they say", while munching on their sandwich, "but I can't do it. You should do it, and I will sit here eating my lunch, pretending I have helped."

"How about... hell no! How about, you're not involved and therefore you have no say in the outcome," I want to say, but grit my teeth instead.

I obviously need to vent. I am a venter. When things, really people, get to me, I allow my feelings to bubble to the surface (in a controlled environment, of course). Once I'm done, I feel better, and no one is hurt. But there are times I so sorely want to put that person in his/her place with my sharp tongue. It's a registered weapon. That's why I keep it under wraps as much as I can.

I know I should be more understanding of people who are not like me. I realize this. I know it can be a form of intolerance. But do we have to tolerate all behaviour, no matter what? Do we? Really? I can't bitch slap anyone with a few choice words? Why must I always be taking the higher ground? Being the better woman? Practicing acceptance, while missing my lunch, when others can sit there placidly and do nothing? Why even ask why?

It's my fault really. It's a form of arrogance to think I can solve all the problems that come my way. I am not that far gone though, not to seek help, but sometimes help is just not there. Sometimes, I cannot rely on people. Actually, it has been my experience that I cannot rely on people most of the time. It took me forever to even start asking for help. I had learned to not even bother. But being in a leadership position, I am inundated with responsibilities and chores and paperwork on top of my teaching duties. My plate is so full it's cracking. I need to ask for help.

Why am I taking so much on? I see a need, I try to fill it. This club needs an advisor. I'll do it. The school needs to build spirit. I'll help. The dance needs chaperons. I'll volunteer.

"Hello? Genie? You're not ubiquitous. You can't do it all!" The voice in my head whispers. Hell, now it's yelling at me. I can't fault it for getting upset. I need to stop.

But I know if I do, there will be no one to step up in my place. People just don't care. Too many teachers think the job is 8:30- 3:30, teach the classes (sometimes horrifically), do some marking and go home. Okay, that is the biggest part of the job, but the school is a community, and communities that are made up of apathetic and self-centered people, collapse. The students, some of which who have also been raised to be apathetic and self-centered, need better role models.

I suppose you are wondering what the hell I am venting about. :)

Well... (insert deep breath)

I am swamped.

• As you know, some of us have taken on the cause of putting this administration on the right path. Lots of work, stress and effort involved.
• I have about 20 things to do each day, over and above preparing creative lessons, teaching, leading, inspiring students. Timetables to sort, exams to vet, interviews to conduct, grievances to smooth over, reassurances to give, meetings, meetings, meetings.
• I have taken on a very important and needed club for our school, one that has never existed - The Black Culture club.
• I have tried to revive school spirit by spearheading a morning radio show run by students, guided by me.
• I have rewritten and helped choreograph a remix of a song for our department to perform this Friday at the yule assembly. We have had no rehearsals except with Emily (my goddess-send)
  
• I volunteered to be at the charity basketball game.
• I volunteered to chaperon the semi-formal.
• I have unmarked papers up the wazoo. They can populate a small forest.
• I have two classes of students blogs to read.
• I am slowly going crazy.

(Insert another deep breath here)

Time is running out, and we need to rehearse the song. I asked if we could get together on Sunday to do the major rehearsal for a couple of hours in the afternoon. Some said they could make it, a few others made some excuses as to why they couldn't. What they really meant was they don't want to. I wanted to roar.

I need to be fair to myself.

I have taken on too much. I feel like an acrobat swinging without a net, and I am solely responsible for putting myself in this position. I care too damn much about the students, and their high school experience. I should just go to work, put in my time, and collect my paycheck. Right?

Nope. I'm not like that.

This why I chose to redesign the traditional "hanged man" for today's Tarot. It's called, "Acrobat". A death defying act of fearlessness. See the calm look on his face? It is a card of giving, but also one of personal peril. The secret is in the balance. In the training. In the attitude. I am a novice aerialist, and I have much to learn. But my heart is in the right place, even if my feet are dangling many meters above safe ground. I need to fashion myself a safety net...

May your safety nets be strong. May your support system weather any circumstance. May you perform death-defying acts safely. May you find the balance necessary to navigate through life's challenges.

Blessed be :)

Speaking UP.

(This is an image I painted that represents totally what I am feeling today. I call it Speak.)

Today, I am going to take a step from Soul Coaching until later. I feel like I must let certain things out that have been poisoning my psyche and the psyche of those around me.

Today, I woke up on fire. I am fired up. I am outraged. And I cannot take it anymore.

I work in a toxic environment, and the sole reason for this toxicity is the principal. She squashes the spirit of the school. She treats the staff like senile 5 year-olds (an oxymoron perhaps but that is how many feel). She nixes 98% of initiatives that are meant to lift the spirit of the school out of its depression and apathy.

• She killed the musical theatre program.
• She doesn't allow students to dress up for Halloween. (We are a uniform public high school)
  
• She won't allow or support any fun activities like barbecues and carnivals.
• She refuses to deal with the 5% of teachers who are truly incompetent and are damaging students' education.
• She never congratulates anyone for anything, unless in a politic way. (She gives new mothers gifts. Yay for her.) How does she show caring and compassion for everyone else? When my mother died, she gave me a card (how considerate)...addressed to herself. I kid you not. On the envelop and in the card. Her name, not mine. She didn't come to my mommy's funeral.
• She favors certain staff by allowing them to have no classes or classes of 4-5 students while other classes are bursting at the seams. Because it looks good on her resume to the Board.
• She imposes Professional Development on all of us, workshops we do not need, because one department has a high failure rate.
  
• She has stripped the Heads of the Departments of all say in the running of the school, trying to make us into paper pushers.
• She has all the Vice Principals under her thumb. We have had a slew of them come in and out of the school because of her.
• Because of her, amazing teachers have left and more are planning on leaving.
• She has the Parent Council under her thumb and destroys any initiative to bring more parents in.
• She laughs with wicked glee any time a school dance is canceled.
• All decisions and initiatives have to be signed off by her, including posters, advertising events, only to die a slow death on her desk, and decay there long after the deadline is passed.
• Book and supply orders have not been signed. Teachers are scrambling for materials.

Oh and the kicker? Every time anyone ever asks her how she is, she answers the same way. "Perfect as usual!" in a perky Professor Umbridge imitation. (see Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix) Dude, no one is perfect and never as usual.

Grrr. I am so angry. I am so passionately aware that this woman is the biggest zapper, not only in my life, but in countless others. Zap. Zap. Zap.

This has gone on far too long. She needs to go. One person cannot make two thousand unhappy. It's just not fair. She was ill this semester and was away for two weeks. You could feel the school visibly relaxing. We all knew when she came back, we could feel the tension.

I am not one to sit back and bitch, or run away. I need to be able to do something about it. I do not like to feel powerless.

Speaking of zappers... I have a student in my grade 12 writer's craft who is a major zapper of not only my energy but the other students' energy. He is out of control. Laughs like a maniac (no exaggeration), sings at the top of his lungs, runs on desks, (yes runs on desks), makes racial remarks, picks on one socially inept student in the class, all in subtle kind of ways, and to top it off makes several girls uncomfortable (they have come to complain about him). I went to his Guidance Officer and requested that he be removed from my class. It's an elective course, he is doing none of the work, and he is 19. It's time he acquaints himself with reality. I can't keep allowing him to victimize my whole class.

I am seemingly powerless to change the principal, but I can affect change within my class room.

Last night, I felt guilty about this. I felt that I was letting him down., that I was not being an understanding person or teacher. This morning, I woke up all fired up.

Now, I feel at peace. I let it out into the universe, and trust that it will help. Ah! Stillness :)

The Dead of Night

Demons come out
in the dead of night
not in the day
when you can fight.
Thoughts that blunted
when awake,
when you lie down,
drive in a stake
through your heart.
Thoughts that tear
your sleep apart.

Maybe you toss
Maybe you turn
But in your mind
those thoughts burn.
So you get up
the demon to flog.
Of course, you came
to friendly blog
To let the words
begin to flow
and the demon's
reason show
for flinging you
out of your bed
with crazy thoughts
inside your head.

That's what I get for not dealing with things. Obviously, something is bothering me. Is it a crisis or hormonal imbalance? All I know is, it's almost 3 am and I am wide awake, thinking.

Thinking that this society is made for couples, is made for settling, not down but for. It's not made for people who wake up in the middle of the night without someone to ask, "What's wrong, honey?" It's made for people who have doubled their family, their friends, their income, halved their chores, doubled their social status, and halved their isolation. They get tax breaks, and travel cuts. Two for one deals, and movie specials. They get holidays. Not one, but all of them. When is national Single Day? Right. Never.

Then I think... Do I want to be woken up in the middle of the night by a paranoid man who is calling me names? Do I need to be getting into a nasty fight in front of my friends, making everyone taste the awkwardness? Do I need to be so dependent on someone, that I cannot make a move without including him? Do I need to apologize and feel the heavy cloak of guilt because I have chosen to do something I want to do, not follow his plans? Do I need to feel shredded when I start to believe he does not love me anymore?

I continue to think...Do I want to feel his arms around me with a comfort that reassures me? Do I want to share a meal, a smile, an autumn morning? Do I want to feel like a woman desired and loved? Do I want to talk about a movie we just watched while walking home in the rain? Do I want to make him lunch while he tackles the leaves in the eaves troughs? Do I want to hold him when he is feeling low? Kiss him on the forehead to see if he is running a fever? Do I want to have a snow fight or a pillow fight? Do those come with make-up sex?

Obviously, the demon who woke me up at this unhealthy hour is loneliness. What triggered it is petty, not worth mentioning, but a powerful enough catalyst to wrench me out of slumber.

I have been working on myself. Working out the kinks. Trying to embrace life and its rewards. There is much to celebrate in my life, but am I kidding myself? Am I repressing all this loneliness; am I simply damming this current that will one day dissolve me? Or am I building myself a raft, for one, so that I may survive this? Is this a step back in my progress, or just another stage towards total freedom? Am I detoxifying the remnants of sadness and despair, to make room for light?

Couldn't I do this in the day, rather than lose precious sleep? Obviously not, or I would not be sitting here, feeling the bags form under my eyes, torturing this blog with my thoughts. I am too busy. Busy solving problems, organizing situations, preparing others for their futures, while mine seems bleak? Is that I'm doing?

And what made me so lucky that I have been given this seemingly infinite amount of time to work on myself? Is that sarcasm I detect Ms Genie? I am good at the sarcasm, but let's not skirt the issue. Why must I be worthy to be loved when almost everyone else around me seems to not have to do a single thing to achieve it? I could have had someone here with me now, if I had taken him away from his wife. But. I chose not to. I could have had someone here, if I had chosen to stay with a man who was steadily wasting his life. But. I chose not to witness it. I could have had someone here, if I had chosen to play games. But. I'm incapable of that.

Am I better than that? Hell, there is no such thing as better. The fact is, that's the way it is right now. Looking for a reason, isn't going to change it. I still wonder. I'm human. It's an ageless question. Why me? Am I not lovable enough? Not vulnerable enough? Not pretty enough? Or loving enough? Am I too independent? Too self-reliant? Too honest? Too fat?

Aww, hell. I have no answers. I need to sleep. I have to go to the gym this morning. Stinky will keep me company. I can always count on him. :)