Moonlit Reverie

I wish I could type in the moonlight. When I first walked into my fun room, the moonlight was coming in through the slats of my blinds forming dreamy patterns on my desk. They disappeared when I turned on the light. There's a metaphor in there somewhere...

There are nights when my brain just switches on and wakes me up. My body thinks it's time to pee, but it's just a smoke screen. What's really happening is something is eating at me. So I tossed and turned for a bit trying to recapture sleep. It was 3:45 am after all... But the thoughts came crowding in again.

Time to purge. Put on the coffee, and come to my trusty outlet. My blog.

I've been unfaithful to my blog. Not because I have replaced it with anything meaningful, but because I silenced myself for a bit, for whatever reason. The brain however, cannot be silenced. No matter how much I struggle with the thoughts, some slightly profound, others definitely needy, maybe even petty, the thoughts win.

Then these questions woke me completely up. "Why am I shutting myself up? Why am I censoring myself? Judging myself for the thoughts that occupy my mind?" They are my thoughts; good, bad or indifferent, I own them.

Like yesterday, it became viscerally apparent to me how different I am from so many people around me. At lunch, we were talking about a recent award show host and his "humorous" monologue that sparked a lot of controversy. I don't find "roast" humor funny, everybody else finds it hilarious. As I watched them laughing uncontrollably at the clips on YouTube, it became apparent that  I have become or maybe have always been The Odd Person Out.

And how do I feel about that? Well obviously some part of me was affected because here I am in the early hours of the morning blogging about it. Some part of me must feel acutely isolated by the experience, but there's another part of me that asks, "So what? So what if I see things differently, experience them differently? I'm sure I'm not the only one to have felt this way. Isn't it what makes each of us unique? Do we all have to see everything the same way to belong to a group?" Or maybe. I just need to lighten up!

The irony of it is that I myself was joking earlier in a way that could be perceived as mean-spirited. My friend was retelling an experience she had with a colleague of ours who invited her to one of her parties. The woman in question approached my friend with, "I'm having a Latin-themed party. You can be the Mexican." (My friend has Mexican roots.) Who invites someone to a party because of their cultural background? A Latin-themed party to me means choice of food and music, maybe even decorations, not which guests will be invited... The whole thing struck me even harder because this woman is an educator so filled with ignorance, it's scary. So yes, I ragged on her a bit and spoofed the situation to bring out its stupidity, so in many ways, I'm no different than the award host. Does it make me a hypocrite?

Probably what it makes me is someone who over-thinks things, and needs to chill out. Maybe I should enjoy what I enjoy and appreciate that others enjoy other things without giving it such sinister and all-encompassing meanings. Maybe I should just enjoy the moonlight through the slats and stop ruining things by turning on the light. See? I knew there was a metaphor in there somewhere... :)

Genie and the Whale

It's been a very hectic time for me, as I am sure many of you can relate.

Work has swallowed me up whole and I have had some major decisions to make. My position is coming up again, and the question remains; do I want to reapply for this job? I have been making a list of pros and cons. And doing a lot of soul searching. I have taken amazing strides in reorganizing my department both in it's physical organization and in its curriculum. It's almost at the point of working like a well-oiled machine. Why would I not want to reapply, and reap the benefits?

Oh yeah, I detest the leadership style of the administration. Although they have been making some efforts to address the morale in the school; although they have started to support endeavors that are not necessarily on their agendas, I still am suspicious of their motives.

That being said, I am not sure it's better at other schools, and if it will stay that way...

In the midst of this, I have had issues with my poor aging cat who decided he didn't like these changes I have made to the house as much as I did, and pooped in my bed. Under the made bed's covers!

I discovered this when I got home Wednesday night. So I, in the middle of the night, turned contractor and tried to move the door from the now study to the bedroom to seal it off. 10 minutes to unscrew the hinges off one frame. 10 minutes to screw one set of hinges on another frame, only to discover the door is too low and scraping the floor. 15 minutes to unscrew and realize that the frame had the old hinges under a coat a paint still on it. 45 minutes to remove the old hinges. 25 minutes to try to hold up the door while screwing on the top hinges, getting my slipper stuck underneath. 10 minutes to wrestle my slipper under the door. 10 minutes to screw the bottom hinge. 5 seconds to discover the door was slightly too big to fit that frame.

Le sigh

At 1:30 am, I gave up, jammed the door in the frame and called in sick.

I had to take Stinky to the vet to see what's up with him, only to find out it's behavioural. I had to phone around looking for a contractor to help with these jobs, only to find they are all descendants of highway robbers... I had to wash my sheets and bedspread. I had to have a minor meltdown.

I also decided it was time to decorate the amazing tree I bought (pictures coming), only to discover the box I had all my decorations in was falling apart with mold and mildew and creepy crawly things in the basement. I panicked that the storage room was leaking until I realized, this was probably residual from the old house. I unpacked the box with much distaste, put the decorations out to air, dumped the box in the recycling bin, and left that bright idea for the weekend.

So, as I finally sat down in the afternoon to have my brunch, I decided to watch TV. Maybe it's just me, but I find I deconstruct things too much. There are far too many commercials on for stuff. Naturally, the biggest commercial holiday is rearing it's bankrupt head. As I watched pitch after pitch, the messages seemed to be the same. People are disappointed with the gifts you give unless it's a car or a diamond, or an expensive video game.

I got peeved.

Do not people realize, it's a gift to have someone in their lives who wants to give them a gift? Who wants to share a holiday with them? Who has taken the time to purchase yet another ephemeral object? We really need to get our priorities straightened.

The bright note of my week has been spending time with the newest miracle in my life, baby Tristan. I babysat him last night, and he brought me such joy, it made up for all the struggles. That smiling, gurgling, bright-eyed new soul restored mine.

And later that night, as I was going home, I looked up and saw this...

Even the poor quality of my camera phone cannot distort her beauty... I gazed at her and made my wish. And, as I made my way home, I was grateful. :)

Harvest Dream

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October has come around and as I was strolling through my neighborhood Saturday evening, I realized how much I love this month. The air is crisp and scented with apples and the first hearth fires. There is a silence in October like no other. An expectancy. A farewell. It's bittersweet.

People are beginning to settle in for winter. More pies are being baked. Plans are being made for Thanksgiving and Halloween. The lights in the homes are inviting. The pace is a bit brisker. With more purpose. The destination more gleeful.

As I walked. The moon walked with me. She was beautiful and pristine. She smiled one of those knowing smiles. My companion.

And I wished on her that night. For his company. Arms entwined. Bodies close for warmth. As we walked the streets of my neighborhood. I wished for gatherings and tables laden with food. Happy faces sitting around. Enjoying each other. Enjoying the moment. I wished for a fire in the wood stove with a glass of wine. Feet up. Content.

Content.

The sweet smell of cedar as it burned, wafting though my home. And a strong hand to hold. A loving smile to share. A kiss to savor.

Under the harvest moon, I made my harvest dream. She smiled down at me. And I up at her. As the leaves fell, and the smoke rose from the chimneys.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To find Jamie Ridler's gathering of harvest moon dreamers, go here !

Luminous Flowering

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As the moon fills and graces the sky with her loving glow, our magical guide of inspiration, Jamie Ridler, is hosting once again the Full Moon Dreamboard! This month is the Full Flowering Moon, and Jamie asks,

"What seeds will you plant this month?
What do you want to bloom with this flower moon?"

I painted my dreamboard in Photoshop, letting my wish find expression. The moon is a flower that blooms in the sky and showers the world with its light petals. The couple walks arm in arm in the vast field of moonlit flowers.

This month, I ask the moon to merge my path with that of the other. To stand in a field, in peace, in unity, in silence, and feel the light bathe us in her glow. I wish to gaze at the moon with love in our hearts, and the quiet that comes from knowing the path we walk on is no longer a solitary one.

I wish to strengthen my bonds with those of like spirit, like mind, like heart, as we come together to make the world a more loving place, a giving place, a creative place, a green place.

I wish to heal all little rifts, and stupid misunderstandings that separate us.

I wish to spread the joy that is being, and see smiles dissolve the worries and petty grievances that weigh people down.

I wish to sow the seeds of love that will fill this earth with fields of luminous flowers.

I wish for every heart that has felt pain to heal.
For every child to find laughter.
For every lonely one to feel the touch of a loving hand.
For the land to prosper in health, in prosperity, in enlightenment.

This is my wish.