This weekend was one of a lot of reflection. Where am I going with my life? What do I want in it? What am I grateful for? What could I use a little bit more of? In the spirit of honesty, I was also feeling a little bit low. Trying to pick myself up. Again. And if I am going to be completely honest, I was a little sad. I turned 40 this year, a supposed milestone. I got a couple of half-hearted "What do you want to do for your birthday?" and when I couldn't honestly think of anything concrete, the subject was dropped. Just because I didn't know, doesn't mean I wanted to do nothing.
I chose to spend the day of my birthday exploring creativity and that was fun. My friend gave me one of her beautiful paintings. The night before, because we were doing something anyway, another friend bought me dinner and gave me a gift. Yet another friend brought over coffee and a gift. And I don't want to seem ungrateful, but it's not about presents. It's about presence. It seems that no one wanted to go out of their way for me this year. And I felt a little, unloved. By my friends. I spent the whole weekend alone. And you know what? I'm freaking tired of being alone.
So I did my best to pick myself up. I gained strength and support from all the wonderful people in the blogging community, yet every single moment I felt my loneliness grow and grow. Don't get me wrong. I am self-reliant. I like my own company, and I am never bored. But I am not a hermit. I am sick of talking to my cat. I took myself out for a walk. The weather didn't really allow for a lot of outdoorsy stuff though. So I came back home. Read. Painted. Tried to pour my loneliness out.
And I'm sorry I am even writing this. I shouldn't even post it. Who needs to be reading my sob story. Self-pity isn't attractive. But I am sad. Sad my life has shrunk to this. And of course I wonder, what have I done to find myself here? Have I not cared about people? Have I not helped? Have I not been present in their moments of happiness and sorrow? Have I not offered up my friendship, and split my heart open enough?
I realize people have their lives to think about. Houses to claim, babies to have, new relationships to explore, new careers to launch. New everything.
So I focused on the happy things. The way I felt at the play lab. The beautiful painting that was my gift. The fact that my students went out of their way to surprise me with a cake and a party. They truly made my year. The love! I melted into tears. The many many warm birthday wishes from all of you on my blog. You all floored me with your beauty. Thank you. I held onto those, and it got me through.
I told myself. Stop with the whining, and move on. Make new friends. Find new interests. Start again. Start again. I will. I just needed this moment to acknowledge how I was feeling, and move on.
So I painted this in PS.
(click on image for lager view)I was just doodling random images and playing with the light and the contrast, and the cloud goddess was formed. I gave her more shape, some shading, and the landscape beneath her more contours and light. I added the rainbow for hope. I did this all in photoshop with my mouse. (I still need to buy the tablet when money flows a little bit more.)
The thing is, I want to be able to do this with watercolors and other media, and I am using PS as a way to train my eye and my instincts. I feel intimidated a little, still, by 3D painting, and this is getting me past it. Past the self-criticism and past the constant comparison to "real" artists. Many of you know what I mean. It's getting better. I am feeling a little bit more confident.
When I finished her, I felt like doodling some more. So I painted this:
(click on image for lager view)I do welcome your comments, and suggestions. I am stronger than this post indicates. :)
If you have gotten through this heavy, heavy post. I thank you for sticking it through with me, and I promise I will be back to myself tomorrow. :)
May your days be full of light :) Blessed be :)
32 comments:
{{Hugs}} Genie...I'm sorry your friends let you down on your birthday. If you ever need a listening ear, I'm here. :)
oh genie!!! i love that you posted this, you ARE being honest about what is going on with you... to me this is honoring your light as well as your shadows. we all have them whether we are open about it or not.
i wish i could give you a great big hug... not just a cyber wannabe hug... sigh... but i know how you feel. during the past year and 1/2 of being at home with my daughter alot of my "before" life has passed me by... my old friends and community. it's hard to see these relationships as being over or well just not the same... but we must move on ourselves... find new friends and support network, whether in person in our cities or online. but i think it's normal for humans to crave that in person friendship that sometimes seem so very elusive in this fast paced hustle bustle world...
just know genie that i am not too far away (just a little drive or train/bus ride away)... hee hee!!! perhaps one day you'll want to adventure out over to ottawa... you're are always welcome my bloggy friend!!!
hoping for you some lightness after the dark...
hugs hugs hugs
and much love
xox
Oh my friend, I hear ya. I'm going to be spending my birthday this year alone too. It's hard I know. I wish someone had thrown you a big surprise birthday party. I think honouring your creative spirit on your birthday was a brilliant idea and oh my, your work turned out so beautiful. Absolutely divine.
Honouring the hard times and your pain is important. We can't always pretend that life is OK. Sometimes it isn't. I wish I could make you some cookies and brighten up your day. Your bravery and honesty has brightened mine.
Hi Genie,
I think just acknowledging your feelings and sitting with them *is* a mark of strength - much easier to "put a brave face on" than to be honest sometimes..
Last year I felt a bit neglected on my birthday and had much the same lead up to it that you did - people were asking but I didn't know... I made a pact with myself this year to say "Surprise me!" ;-)
I love the PS paintings you are doing - funny I find the idea of trying to paint digitally daunting.
{{{{{{{{{{Genie}}}}}}}}}}
Taexalia
You are so strong to have posted this! I have written posts like this one and never posted them, because of the reasons you stated. I think, "No one wants to read this..." So those posts stay hidden away.
It's hard to be the happy one, isn't it? When you are the person who always looks for the brightness and positives of life it seems hard to let others see that sadness deep inside.
I love your paintings, they are so beautiful! Your cloud goddess is one of my favorites I think.
Hugs! <3 Tori
Oh, Genie, what you are going through is something so normal, please do not apologize for having the courage to be honest. I think we've all been there where we've felt that we've been there in heart and spirit for all of those we love and yet we do not feel the same type of reciprocating spirit and love in return. And, yes, I agree with you...it is more than presents, it is presence.
There are moments in life when we struggle with this. I think most especially when it comes to milestone moments. Honestly, the day I turned 40 was not a happy day for me. Not because of what others did or didn't do, but because I felt my life was over! Can you believe it?! I just felt closer to death and not having achieved most of my dreams, than I did to the fact that I was still young and healthy.
But, luckily, in the end, despite the sorrows and disappointments, we always veer towards the light and the goodness that surrounds - because that is what gives us strength and these little "lessons" that come our way are nothing more than stepping stones in our path to growth.
You are dearly loved, dear heart. Never forget that.
((hugs and love))
rebecca
I understand how you feel.
...I have re-written and erased this comment 3 times and each sadder than the previous.
I just want you to know so many of us feel the same...some for short times, some for prolonged periods...and we just have to push forward through these periods.
hugs
Lillian
Ah Genie - please don't feel bad for sharing your heart ! Our hearts are not only light and joy, they are pain, and sorrow too. That is our human experience...
I have that feeling of intense loneliness more often than you know. I have also learned that the moment you reach out, ask for help and "give it to God" as my Mom-Guru says, that is also the moment when things change and you will get what you need.
On a much more down to earth topic, I have an idea about your birthday. When I turned forty, I threw myself a birthday party (about a month after my true birthday date). I invited women from all through my life (my mom, a couple of aunts, sisters, acousin, best friends from time in my life areas,) and we rented a condo for two nights in Mont Tremblant. (one cousin worked at the hotel - use connections if you got them !).I planned a pot luck menu and everyone brought their favorite "snack" and their own beverages. I told everyone in the invitation that they had to bring a gift for me too - a gift that showed that they had taken some time to think of me. I also created gifts for every one of the 16 women who came to the party, a little journal with a note inside telling them how much I loved them and how wonderful I think they are !
The gifts I received from this weekend will live in me forever ! Some were funny - like my oldest girlfriend who made a cd with songs from our childhood. Others were touching - like the 40 spring bulbs my aunt gave me to plant in my garden to remember my own beauty every spring. The other gifts were even more special - they all came because I am connected to them. We are all on this journey together and that is something to celebrate, anyday !!!
So I encourage you to throw your own party, Genie Girl ! This year, next year, whenever ! Throw a party and celebrate the gift that is Genie Sea !!!You are worth it and you deserve it !
I hope you feel like your light self soon but know that there is much love for that darker side too.
Sweet Genie,
First I send you all the {{{hugs}}} your heart can withstand. It is ok to be sad and want the things your heart yearn for. I pray to God and his Angels that that time is very near. You have touched my life in the greatest way and I'll NEVER be able to thank you enough. Please know that you have great purpose.
You are SO Loved dear friend and I use the word friend with the deepest sincerity.
Here are a few more {{{HUGS}}}
Tabitha
These feelings are part of our journey...parts of us that are real. My friend Meow speaks of this often...Please visit her here: http://meowspeaks.blogspot.com/
You will relate with her blog.
Although the dark times are not fun...it allows us to evaluate and check in. It makes you question your life...and those in your life. It can be a good thing.
Sending you many hugs Genie!
Aww sweetie!
You say you'll be back to yourself tomorrow, but I gently and lovingly suggest this is you too, both parts. Love them both Genie Sea, because that's how we really love each other, with complete acceptance of our humanness.
I'm a big believer in stating what hurts so you can get support and validation. So on that note, I bet there are very few people who haven't had this experience at one time or another, of being let down by their friends. Yet your friends may not realize it! I bet if you told them they'd throw you a party next year. And Kim's suggestion is great, throw your own party! I do it on years when it's important to me.
Plus people are all weird about birthdays. Everyone has different expectations - I have friends who hate it when you make a fuss (which I am prone to do.) Then there are people who need a fuss, but don't say (which I have been guilty of too) and the people who HATE thinking about the big milestones like 40 ... it's a big sticky web, so don't be afraid to tell your friends how to treat you - I know they love you and they would want to do your birthday the way you want it done up!
Blah blah, that's alot of "advice" sorry, but I want you to have a fantastic birthday next time!
HUGS Genie!!!
I know what you mean ... sometimes, our needs change (we change, deepen) and our friends aren't always up to change with us. Renewal is deeply powerful to rawly go through--and it sounds like that is what you went through this weekend. You *will* draw into your life those who are your new kin to match this new place of power and knowing, peace and love, in your heart. I've heard it in your posts and I've seen it in the force of your art--your voice and vision are gaining power and clarity, courage and wisdom. Not that these haven't always been present, but they are indeed showing up and being witnessed with a new depth, clarity, force and demand (at least that is what I have been witnessing here). Love yourself, dear Genie, admire yourself ... and those who will uphold ALL you are and dream to be ARE already on their way to your life :) Trust it, believe it; trust you, believe you: I do. . . .
With Love,
Kristen
Kudos Genie!
Sometimes we just aren't rays of sunshine, sometimes we don't want to make lemons into lemonade. And when we don't, we feel selfish or as though we are letting people down. Some days we want to take those sassy bratty lemons and say "F*** you! Make your own damn lemonade!" I truly appreciate that about you. I appreciate your honesty! :) And I'm no doctor or therapist or wise woman, but it seems like a healthy idea to let that stuff out. What good is a Spirit if you deny it? Don't be ashamed of the post-- ROCK it!
And whether the others who read your blog are willing to admit it or not: we all have dark days. Sometimes dark weeks or years. Not every moment is full of glittery magick and giggles. And I must confess that it is comforting to know that even someone as glorious as you has days where she doesn't feel like tending to the masses, generously radiating light to nurture EVERYONE around her-- but taking a quiet moment to save some of that precious light for herself.
Much Joy,Friend~*
Molly
My dears. You have touched me deeply. I thank you from the bottom of my heart. The knot in my throat doesn't allow me to respond to each and every one of you, right now, but I will be visiting your online homes and bringing my warm thanks with me!
Hugs. You are love. :)
i think you painted the nude...because you have laid bare your soul...
and thats ok...because i think you have done it in the presence of those who may have never met you...but who care deeply ...
and want you to happy...
and to know that we are here and there..in spirit...you are not alone.
in the truest sense, we care for you!
Genie, thank you for sharing authentically.
I am in Toronto and I would love to meet you. Please let me know and we shall make it up.
Your art reaches out even deeper today.
Sending you much LOVE!
Oh Genie, I could have written this post on my 40th birthday, which was absolutely depressing beyond words. Not only did my friends forget me, but I had to put my dear sweet calico kitty to sleep that day.
It takes strength to write and post such a raw, emotional, honest post such as this. Some days, some feelings, can't be sweet and sugar-coated. They are what they are, and you have a right to ALL of your feelings, happy, sad or otherwise.
I am facing a conundrum about friends and friendship too. Perhaps it is because 40 is a "turning point"? Who knows. But 40 has also been wonderful, not matter how the year started for me. It will be wonderful for you, too, I know it!
Dear dear lady,
I look at your avatar in the comments on my blog and I think, "There is a vivacious, interesting, spicy looking lady - with an overflowing heart and a sharp mind - I'll bet she has a full life and lots of love around her." Then I read this post and I was floored. I admire your candor here. I admire your strength. But I am mystified that you are alone with a cat. I'll be pondering that conundrum for a while...
But I wanted even more to comment about your art. I think you are overdue to be making your own images from scratch - especially figures and nudes. Your placement on the page is uniquely your own, and there is nothing pat, cliche'd, or boring about it. These are both fascinating - the "doodle" no less than the other. Let's see more of this. And don't let "3D" or shading and modeling the forms throw you off. Draw what you see and feel. Draw and paint what you love. It will just happen. And get a brush in your hand - we're all poorer because you're holding back.
These are both fascinating nudes, not beginner stuff. Wow, what would happen if you let go?
You need materials and are a little short on funds right now? You let me know what you need, and I'll send you some. Others helped me start my flight - I would be happy to pass on the favor and have a hand in your take-off.
Genie ~ A day late and a dollar short....but I had to say...reading your wonderful posts and seeing your unbelievable work - you are beautiful. Truly.
And hey, we all gotta do those posts. I do it time to time too and reading yours, it resonates and yet it has hope and inspiration in it. Don't ask me how, it just does. Big hugs. And one from the Humanling too. (I didn't ask her - I just took it. She won't mind!)
Whoa Genie, I so know where you're coming from. My friends always say they want to get together, but I'm the one who always makes the call. I've canceled appointments and taken time off work to spend with friends, but it's never reciprocated. I've given my number to several friends who want to get together, but if I don't make the call it doesn't happen. When I turned 40 my best friend Ruth stopped by my job like she did every year for 10 minutes to wish me a happy birthday. She would only come to my job, not my home, because she knew I wouldn't have more than a 10-minute break to spend with her, and then it would be another year before I'd hear from her. I've worked at home now almost 4 years so it's been that long since I've heard from her, and she lives only about 10 miles away and comes into town twice a week for church.
I didn't realize how much this has been bothering me until I read your post. I don't think a lot of people realize the importance of friendship and just being there once in a while. We're all busy, that's just no excuse to me.
I too get lonely, missing my friends and sharing some time just chatting and catching up. Sometimes I feel like I've fallen through the cracks and at times it has made me wonder if I'm even necessary, although deep down inside I know I am or I wouldn't be here.
I do hope you had a good birthday in spite of it all. I hope someday your friends will realize how amazingly lucky they are to know you and how important you are to them. Love always, XOXO
Ugh. I've had similar experiences with 'friends.' A friend of mine has. My daughter has. I don't know what's 'wrong' with people. Sometimes, I think people are so sucked up in what they believe life is about that they forget that being together IS what life is mostly about. If we weren't meant to spend REAL time together, than there would only be one of us roaming around here. It's really hard. The whole thing is and has been a struggle for me for many many years. I've finally gotten to the point when I'm just not going to take it personally anymore. Hey, if someone doesn't want to spend time with me...they're missing out. My life is about me and what I can make out of what I have. The more time I spend being upset because someone else doesn't know how to be a caring friend is just more time I've spend being upset because someone else doesn't know how to be a caring friend. Just try to remember that how other people act isn't a reflection upon you...it's a reflection upon them.
Seriously, email me anytime. If I don't get back to you right away, it's so not about you...it's about 10 cats. ;)
~Puggy Snuggy Huggy~
Melissa
Ohhh Genie! First of all, Happy, HAPPY 40th! Promise yourself right now that this will be YOUR YEAR!!
I sooooo know how you feel, and a lot of your words resonated with me. I have a handful of close friends, but I am the only single mom, and so I don't fit in to "couple nights" of movies & boggle and the things that seem to be important to them.
I like to include my daughter whenever I can, another unpopular thing with moms who want to go out to get AWAY from their kids.
My birthday is coming up and while I know I'll get the few obligatory drop-by friends, I will be spending mine alone as well.
I don't know if it's age or the fact that we're all piling on the responsiblities of this day and age, but I, like you, try to be a good friend. A supportive, "I'm here for ya girl!" type of friend.
So I know what how you feel when that attitude isn't reciprocated.
That said, I LOVE your art, and am impressed that you can draw that well with your Mac.
At least you have a Mac, right? :)
P.S. I'm a huge fan of teachers. (there are many in my family).
And I think it's a beautiful thing that your class surprised you like that!
Kids are magical in their quest for fun and they LOVE fun teachers!
Yay for you!!!
My dearest Genie! I'm sorry to be another late-comer to this post and I only wish that I could have offered my cyber-hugs earlier!
Sorry your friends let you down on your birthday. Mine was a big bust last year too, but I dared not express my feelings about it. I can never think of something to do for my birthday and people just assume that I don't care about it at all, when really all I'd like is for them to say "Hey, it's your birthday, let me take out out for dinner/have you over for dinner." Even just a tea visit would be nice. The others are definitely right about how brave you are for writing such a candid post!
I love the artwork I've seen so far and am absolutely floored by your talent! I was just telling my husband on the weekend that when I have a good graphic novel plot worked out, I'm sending it to Genie to do the artwork. And I can't offer to send supplies, but if Steve Emery is taking up a collection to cover shipping costs, I'm sure I'm not the only one who would offer up a few dollars to help you on your way!
huggs bless i feel the same way love my company but.. still feel lonely i realised that this is due to unmet needs send me your email i will send you the quiz, even nutmeg left for the weekend :) yes its hard on those dayz and you must stop apologizing for them as stuff has to come up at these times its good to be the feral women that way you get an excuse.
blessings.
Thank my sweet hearts!
You enrich my life, my soul, my heart.
I will be visiting your blogs to thank each and every one of you personally.
I cannot really express how much your words of comfort and support mean to me. You are warm blankets in the dead freeze of winter, and refreshing drinks in the scorch of summer. Thank you! ♥
((((Genie)))) I am so sorry I missed being there to support you when you were feeling so low. I'm sorry your friends let you down but, hey, know that you truly don't need them to celebrate the beautiful, amazing, awesome Goddess that you are. Would you believe that I actually got depressed on my 30th birthday?!....why? Because I felt like I was 'over the hill'...LOL How crazy was I??!!
Know that your feelings....whether they be happy, sad, positive or negative, are always worth talking about because they make up that which is YOU! Know that there is always someone who cares about you and, if you need a shoulder, we are here for you.
I am LOVIN' your digital artwork, girl! The nudes are fabulous!
I love the third image in the next post too. I was happy to read that you were feeling much better.
love, light and peace,
serena
No need to be anywhere than where you are. When you say the hard parts, it helps others feel less alone with their hard parts. Thanks for sharing.
Hugs to you, Genie Sea! I feel every moment of your ruminations. Even in the loneliness we aren't alone -- isn't that odd? Your Cloud Goddess is just stunning. Really. I am just falling into your paintings tonight and lingering. All floaty like. :) Thank you for sharing all your feelings...your humanness...your BEing...
a zillion trillion miracles to you!
k-
Thank you Serena - :)I cannot express how much your words of support and love mean to me. I am deeply touched. Thank you :)Hugs!
Thank you Sandra :)I am glad my little melt-down helped others. :) It gives me comfort. :)Hugs!
Thank you Kara :)One of the reasons I was reluctant to post those feelings was thinking it might remind other of their pain, but in sharing pain we gain comfort, and that is healing. :) Thank you so much for your gentle and wise words. :) Hugs!
It takes courage to bare your soul and risk being vulnerable. I prefer to read an honest post than one where everything in life is sugar-coated and perfect. Life can be tough! Life sometimes sucks! And other times it's awesome.
I love your artwork. Your cloud goddess reminds me of a fetus. Like you are partially curled up and partially all grown up and ready to go. Not sure what to do or which direction to take.
I too process my feelings by writing - good and bad. The bad is hard to post, but I am learning that the blogging community is so supportive.
Blessings on your journey.
Thank you Wendy ! Welcome to my blog! I love your interpretation of the cloud goddess. :)
Indeed, this blog community is simply a miracle. :)
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