Pockets of Air

Today, I woke up with this in my head:

"You have to believe in something."
"I believe in myself."

My eyes popped open. I don't know if it was those words, or the fact that Stinky was meowing bloody murder for food, but I woke up.

In more ways than one.

I have carried a balloon of sadness with me for a long time. Longer than I can remember. Over the years, that balloon filled up, and brimmed, emptied, and filled again.

I have walked in the shadow of my failure, head down, eyes brimming. Defeat put her arms around me many times, as I trudged through life, feeling bereaved.

But I have another balloon. In this balloon, there is hope. Many times this balloon has filled up, overflowed, emptied, and refilled with its glow.

I have walked with my Guide, on streets filled with glowing snow, reflecting Christmas lights. We have strolled on warm pavements shimmering under the moon. He has put his arm around my shoulder, or my waist, holding me close, as I walked through life, feeling nurtured.

Today, I wake up knowing that those balloons and those figures are both a part of me. Part of who I am, and I accept them, but I am not them. I wake up to a new balance, I have never had before. I awake with a new assurance I have rarely, if ever experienced.

I am more than the sum of my experiences, more than the residue of my emotions, more than the creation of my thoughts. I am me, and I do believe in myself. This is why I designed the Two Balloons today. It depicts the balancing act we all have to achieve in life. It can get burdensome sometimes. At times, we want to lay down and give up. At others, we run ahead, our hair blowing in the wind, the balloons streaming behind us.

But always we are at the center. Whole, unaffected by the weather, observing, learning, growing.

Yesterday, I experienced a frustration, singular in its intensity and unique in its situation. We had a meeting with all the heads of department and the administration. Person after person, stubbornly refusing to move forward, to affect change, to look beyond the edge of their self-interest. Caged criticism, negative interpretation, self-aggrandizement, the need to control. At one point in the meeting, I actually said I felt like a salmon swimming upstream. Most heads jumped on board any lame proposal without thought, without discussion, nodding heads, lips puckered. I just could not keep silent. I had questions. I had issues. I had alternatives. The principal watched me like a hawk. I saw her. I felt like taking the little tangerines on the table and smacking them off their heads like ping pong balls.

I didn't do that.

When the meeting was over, I started to do that thing I always do. Self-deprecation. Self-defeat. Self-derision.

Then my real voice asked a simple question, "Why do you feel this way? What happened at the meeting that causes you to viciously attack yourself?"

I stopped, in shocked silence. Indeed, "WHY?"

I asked the questions few have the balls (pardon my slang) to ask, made the points few would even consider making, went against the "I am a good soldier, yes Mein Commandant, I will bend over even lower, whip me more" attitude.

These are the questions I asked, "How do you expect the staff to do that? Aren't you in effect asking for six new courses (that will be populated by an average of 4 students) for your department, when I had to sweat to get one.? You are asking us to take ten minutes every class to check agendas, on top of uniform, on top of everything else you want us to do? When are we to teach reading and writing?"

You get the gist of the stupidity I had to endure. The issue is, I did not fail myself, nor the people I was sent there to represent. Did I make myself a target? Most certainly. Did I make myself unpopular amongst most of my peers. Most definitely. Do I give a damn? Well no. Should it affect the way I feel, enough to fill the balloon with the sadness, and allow my shadow self to cackle in glee of my defeat? Hell, no.

Today, I will walk with the two balloons. They are perfectly balanced. I know the sorrow that can bring a tear to my eye. I know the hope that can put a spring in my step. I accept them. They belong to me. But they are not me. I am the one in the center, holding them, with a smile on my face.

I hope that your steps are steady and light, and that the balloons you balance float, buoying you, not burdening you.

Blessed be :)

Sculptures

There is something about ice sculptures and winter that puts me in a reverie. I think of ice castles, and faux-fur fairies. I think of the Sugar Plum Queen, and the Nutcracker Prince.

I have always loved fantasy. I love the worlds that live in people's imagination and that sprout in mine. One of my favorite 3D graphics programs which I have lost is Bryce. With it, you can create fantastical landscapes and settings of dreams. I am on a quest to recover it.

I bought it a while ago, via internet, but several reformats and moves later, I am faced with the option of buying it again. Well, worse things can happen right?

I am so filled with anticipation. I don't even know why. It's like I stepped out of my old reality into this new magical realm, and I am the protagonist.

That is why the Ace of Crystals surfaced this morning. It totally represents how I feel. :)

Blessed be :)

Hibernation

I don't know if I was incredibly overextended or I needed some time out, but this weekend I took a break from the world. I literally did not step out of the house. This made for creative meals and a lot of down time.

I have been feeling bombarded by so many things, I decided I would stop or short-circuit.

I started by not turning on the TV until it was time for my Sunday must-sees.

Television, especially television news has taken to fear-mongering and graphic scenes of violence to garner viewers and may I say I do not like it one bit!

Opinions and subversive messages have been creeping up more and more in what should be unbiased and objective reporting. Every day, there is a health scare of epidemic proportions. The weather is a looming disaster even if it is only 4 centimeters of snow. The economy is suddenly in crisis; we will all be homeless unless we buy the new thingy. Inflation and recession have been around since there has been an economy. Why is this suddenly a crisis? A scared public is a public that can be easily manipulated. Pharmaceuticals dictate medicine, not the other way around. The banks dictate our standard of living. The conglomerates dictate our needs. Enough is freaking enough!

I holed up in my modest Queendom and said, "No, thank you," to outside influence. This is what inspired "The Devil" card which I have renamed, aptly I think, Subversion.

Now onto to happier things.

• I took the day off today! YAY for mental health days. :)
• I made an appointment to get a mani-pedi done (yes, finally!). I had to cancel my last appointment because of work responsibilities.
• I am going shopping at my favorite Arts Supply store for the workshop I will be doing with the grade 9s next week. We will be re-enacting the "Mad Hatter's Tea Party" from Alice in Wonderland using masks, puppets and animated objects. How fun!
• I am going to treat myself to a healthy lunch and some time at my favorite coffee shop.

Even happier things!

My Tarot deck concept is coming to quick fruition. It is certainly something I have not seen and I will be publishing it. Yes, will. :) So if you have been asking me about it, or gathering the cards, just know you will be able to own a deck and an accompanying book in the near future. My shadow voice is whispering right now, like a blind mosquito in my ear. "You are so arrogant. What makes you think it will be published, or that people will even buy it?" I swat it away. I just know :)

You have all experienced it. That moment of knowing. It's a deep conviction that something will happen and happen successfully. There is no ego involved. Just knowing. It feels good, doesn't it? We often remember the negative knowing, that feeling in the pit of our stomachs that knows the bottom just fell out. I want to focus on the knowing that makes the butterflies in our stomachs wake up from their hibernation and dance circles around each other in glee. I am feeling that. I know something wonderful is about to happen. That my life will become as I envision it in my happy space.

I awoke from my weekend cocoon ready to fly. How about you?

May the butterflies in your stomach awaken and help you feel the great knowing of possibility!

Blessed be :)

Stairs to Starlight

(Stairs to Starlight by Genie Sea - a digital collage - Click for larger view)

This morning, I woke up more energized and full of purpose. I have come to accept the fact that my body no longer needs or wants to sleep in. At first my mind offered resistance, but then I used that extra time in my day to blog, read, mediate, exercise, create.

I had an incredibly relaxing day yesterday. I decided I was not going to leave my house and do whatever the mood enticed me to do.
I did. Nothing.
I did. Nap.
I did. Read.
I did. Create.
I did. Play with Stinky.
I did. Catch up on shows I missed during the week.
I did. Take a warm shower with rose water scented soap and get into fresh pajamas.
I did. Stay in them all day.
I did. Make a grilled cheese sandwich with flax seed bread and white aged cheddar.
I did. Thoroughly enjoy it.
I did. Design more Tarot cards.
I did. Find the organization I was going to donate money to instead of buying gifts. Covenant House
I did. Dream and visualize what I most wanted in my life. Health. Financial comfort. A home filled with love and companionship. Creative Expression and Publication of same. My Man. :)

Today, I decided to take a little break from posting my Tarot cards, and I posted a piece I did a while back, when dreaming was possibility. I call it Stairs to Starlight. I am on them again. Looking forward in the Now, and not behind. This piece is made with 16 images, and 21 layers, manipulated countless times.

I dare to dream again.
I dare to know that what I most desire will be materializing without effort.
I dare to want to spread love, joy, and the incredible message that anything is possible to as many people as possible.

What do you dare to do? What do you want to materialize? Because you know, anything is possible. :)

Blessed be :)

p.s. Check out the wonderful new award Jennlui gave me in the left side bar! I am so honored and grateful! Jennlui rocketh! :)

Whoop

So I woke up this morning with a headache and my shadow self serenading me with negativity.

What the bullocks?

I made myself a coffee, grumbling. What is this? Where did it come from? I had a spectacular day and night yesterday, why in the world would my shadow self surface?

It was singing it's old tired tune. "You're alone. You have no family. The holidays are coming. Your friends are full of spectacular plans filled with trips and family gatherings. You will be alone."

The headache still pounding the top of my head, I made myself a coffee and sat to visit my loving blog.

I read the wonderful comments in yesterday's post. A smile started to edge on my lips. The pounding eased a bit. Then I did my first round of visits to my community of blogs. I read about enchanted lands, reiki blessings, colorful stockings, meme projects, fruitful studio time, coloring like children, encouraging advent calendars, selfless giving. My smile widened. The pounding stopped.

I am so blessed to have found this online community of wonderful people. I call it the Fountain of Life. I swim in it every day. It is healing, inspiring and affirming.

I don't have a family per se. So what? I will be spending time with my soul family and my goddaughter. I have my wonderful soul companion, Stinky, who shows me love and curls up with me as I read or watch TV or rest, purring his little song.

I don't have money to travel. So what? I have a roof over my head, a warm bed and books with many realms, a big screen TV with a world of movies.

My shadow self skulked away, defeated and silent. Why don't you go away already? Permanently. Who needs you?

Now onto my wonderful day yesterday! It was a Professional Development Day, and so no classes. I arranged the morning for members of my department who chose to participate, to go book browsing and shopping and then to meet for lunch and discuss our findings.

A few of us met in the morning and went for nice warm coffee and almond croissants and chatted. Then we split up and went to various book stores of our choice. Emily and I went to Book City and I bought NINE books. It's inevitable. Me + bookstore = Spree. I will have a lot of blessed down time in two weeks so I can wrap up myself in my warm covers and explore delicious worlds. I gave Emily a book she has been dying to read. YAY!

Then we went to Future Bakery to meet up with everyone and chill out. We ate and shared books, and stories and felt our spines relax. The most civilized P.D. I have had in a long time. :)

Then in the afternoon, we went to Central Tech where I was leading a workshop on using blogs for classroom purposes. Renata assisted me and co-lead the workshop. It was fun! We got everyone set up with a blog and connected to ours so we can help them along the way. The feedback we got was all positive (they filled out anonymous forms). One person said it was the best P.D. she/he had been to. YAY!

Then I went with Renata and her wonderful family to a pub nearby with other teachers from Central Tech. I loved the place - Harbord House. It was warm and cozy inside with bay windows, lots of lights and ornaments, and a big decorated tree upstairs. Oh and the food! YUM! I had potato crusted salmon with basmati herbed rice and asparagus. Drool! :)

Oh! And there were the beautiful toddlers filling the room with life and energy! My heart was brimming.

The people were all warm, friendly, fun and interesting, so I stayed a while longer after my friends (Renata, Jeff, Sabi and Zoë) went home.

Then I rushed home to feed my Stinker and get ready to go out with Danette and Colin to see a friend of ours perform. We went to the coldest bar in down. I mean BRRR! But. Ellie was angelic. When she was singing with her beautiful, light-filled voice, I closed my eyes and traveled to a splendid world of color and movement. She is truly magical.

A gift of a day, was it not? It cannot get any more perfect. :) This is why I chose to make the Three of Cups for today. It encapulates the spirit of fun and rejoicing.

I hope your days are full and perfect with much rejoicing. I look forward to reading your stories. They nurture me and fill me with hope. Thank you so much for being in my life, even if it is through the world wide web! :)

Blessed be!

Child's Voice

Last night, we had our department Christmas gathering. We got together at one of our colleague's home. This year, for a present, we decided to share recipes and put them all together in our own recipe book. YUM!

The party was fun and filled with good food and children's laughter. We are blessed in our department with six beautiful children who are all under the age of 4, with 3 more on the way!

I really like my colleagues and the food was most delicious, but the children stole the show.

They are so beautiful, and smart, and alive. I see the promise of the future in their eyes. They engender laughter in your heart. They are infinite possibility. They are unconditional love and trust. They are walking, crawling, pooping, squealing, laughing, crying, awesome little miracles.

They are the true spirit of Christmas.

Like many, I am feeling out of sorts about this season. I will be spending some time with my adopted families, but I want to do something different this year. Instead of buying the children and adults in my life more presents that they can live without, I am gathering that money and making a donation either to the Children's Hospital or to a Homeless Children's Center.

This year, I will ask my goddaughter for one gift- to accompany me to a homeless shelter and volunteer.

This year, I want to collect a group of us and go caroling. I have never done that in my life, and it would be such a wonderful way to spread joy. Yes, even with my voice! :)

I want to show love with generosity of a different kind. I want to revive the spirit in Christmas. Sony and Nintendo, Mattel and Disney, The Gap and People's Jewelers will have to do without my contribution to their wealth this year.

This year I want to pay the human soul.

Standing Proud

This picture, to me, epitomizes hope and achievement. These are the finalists of So You Think You Can Dance-Canada. I have always loved dance- watching and experiencing it. I am fully aware that, if my life had taken a different course, I would have been a dancer. This is one reason I celebrate this show.

Another major reason is, it reinforces pride in being Canadian. Unfortunately, I don't see a lot of pride fostered for our country. We practically have to force students to stand quiet during the National Anthem at school. When confronted, at least half will say, very ignorantly, "It's not my country." (And this almost always said by someone born here.) I always reply, "I don't care which country you call your own. You stand at attention and respect for any country's National Anthem, much less the one that at the very least provides you with a free education!" Grrr @ ignorance!

Canadian sports and athletes are well supported by the general public, but most Canadian television shows, arts and movies are not. They snub their noses at them, like they are inferior to those of our neighbours south.

This show, has engendered a following and pride in being Canadian that few others have. We Canucks like to make fun of ourselves, but rarely do I hear anyone say "I am proud to be Canadian!" I have heard it on this show many times.

It also highlights the incredible versatility and talent in our country. Niko is a contemporary dancer; Miles is a popper; Allie is a ballerina; and Natalli is a Latin dancer. They represent the vast flavour and potential of this country that is so often unsung. So, I had to take a minute and say... YAY CANADA! :)

Now, for today's card.

So far, I have been designing the cards with "positive" meanings. Then, like a lightning bolt, realization came. All the cards are positive. With happiness we are rewarded, with challenge we learn. There is nothing negative here. So, when the, up to now, dreaded Tower card asked to be introduced, I experienced a twinge of trepidation. The card's images gently wiped all that away.

In upheaval, new ideas arise. In sorrow, humanity is expressed. From the rubble, new ideas are born. There is always someone to catch our fall. There is always a hand to steady us. Support will rally. New beginnings will unfold. A new dawn opens up, as we soar away from our troubles.

And here it is - The Tower. Today's card.

In relevance to my life, the meeting with all the staff went incredibly well. Attendance was historic for that school. The audience was rapt. I might even venture to say, we impressed them.

The avalanche is beginning. We are usurping those who sit secure in their tower, oppressing us.

In the ensuing upheaval, a new, more benevolent rule will arise. Peace will come upon the land, and we will be free to go about the business that we are there to do - inspiring, educating, leading, and helping shape our country's and the world's future. Allowing young minds to form their own opinions, strengthened by knowledge, empowered by their own creativity, cognizant of the infinite potential that they own.

Blessed be :)

Strength

RAWR!

I wake up this morning, alert, and ready for anything. It might have something to do with the fact that I had a 3 hour "nap" last night, and then slept for another 7. :)

I had a bag of work to do but I simply could not do it. My mind took a vacation. My body said, "Give!"

As I go through my morning routine, getting ready to go to the gym, having my essential first cup of joe, I rally my forces for the day ahead.

Today, we gather the troupes for the epic battle with the Dragon Principal.

But first, the good news... There are rumours! The thing about rumours is that you cannot rely on them, but when they come from different sources, well... Rumour is, the Dragon Principal's reign is over! She will be leaving our school.

Now before I assemble the party hats, I send out an urgent request into the Universe to replace her with someone who is organized, has a positive vision, and genuinely cares about the school and the people in it. Someone who doesn't treat us like lobotomized primates would be nice :)

The card for today, aptly is Strength. She came to me a few days ago and requested that her day be today. How can you say "no" to fiery Strength? Calm and relaxed, she is capable of doing whatever needs to be done. At one with the King of the Jungle, she musters her forces to accomplish seemingly insurmountable tasks, with a smile on her face.

I have been thinking a lot about this, lately. Along the way, some of us, a lot of us, have been encouraged to adopt the attitude of defeat, to accept the role of victim, to bear the word"can't" like an unholy Grail. Why? The answer came simply. It is easier to control defeated people. Oppressive authority loves dejection and demoralization. And because it seems to be "impossible" to overcome oppression, people submit to it. Well, no. Not this woman.

I might bash against the wall of apathy. I might wrestle against oppression. I might put myself in a uncomfortable position. But I will not give up. Because this is not just about me. This is about everyone affected by the daily poison of incompetence, mean-spiritedness, and subversion.

I am so glad I have found a group of like minded souls who are ready to do battle with me. I feel at peace knowing someone has got my back. I am overjoyed that I am not the only voice crying "Stop!"

Today is the day we send a message. And that message is one of Strength. Strength in numbers. Strength in conviction. Strength in right. We grasp the holy Grail and ride on.

Blessed be! :)

Surging

Buoyant in the sky
air filling its lungs
as it floats into the sunset.

Crowds of people cheer it on
happy to see such spectacular travel
without wings
without metal
pushing the air gently
as it reaches its destination.

As I have started on the path of making my own Tarot deck, I decided to keep going. I have been reading Tarot for 22 years, and although I don't do readings for others anymore, I have several decks that I have bought and treasured. They simply fascinate me.

Instead of drawing cards, I meditate and allow a card to 'come to me'. Today, the air cards wanted to make an appearance, with the Ace of Balloons. Swords are too violent and phallic. When I was casting about for images in my head, and googling randomly. (I do that a lot) Hot air balloons started popping up everywhere.

Yesterday was a doozy. As usual, I walked into crisis when I got to work. Two teachers were away and instead of preparing lesson plans, asked that we go into their emergency lessons ( I think they need a vocabulary lesson). This involved extra work and running around not only on my part but on the part of a colleague of mine who was then berated by the supply teacher for being unprofessional. Oh, you can bet yours truly had a word with that supply teacher. No one puts baby in the corner :)

The amazing thing about yesterday is this:

I got complimented by two of my colleagues that I handled the supply teacher marvelously.
Then, at the end of the day, a retired teacher who used to work at the school for years and now supply teaches often, told me that she admired me. She said. "You are so marvelous, and I don't think you even know how much. You are the best thing to have happened to that department."

I gave her a hug. I was beaming inside, but I was also floored by the extent of that compliment. You see. I'm not used to compliments. It took me a long time to accept one graciously without spouting a whole string of self-deprecation. Yet, when someone does, I feel like that poor wilting plant in the corner after it has been watered. The whole day's challenges seemed to dissolve and I felt a surge of energy fill me. I could face anything.

Then, a woman from a publishing company called and emailed me saying she really wanted me to write for a new project. It's an education series, but I can get fired up about curriculum (big nerd) and it will mean extra income. I threw out the sum of $50K into the universe because that will clear me of my extraneous debt and leave me only with my mortgage and bills. I would love to be able to pay off my mortgage too, but that's the next step :)

Then I got to thinking. The whole Soul Coaching experience has altered me irrevocably for the better. I have a confidence and peace in the core of my being I did not have before.

And it only is partly due to the actual book. The greater impact happened as a result of the interaction with the group of angels that I have been honored to meet in this journey.

I used to blog irregularly. Now, I feel the need to blog daily. I have bought a gazillion journals but this is the medium I am drawn to. It empowers me to write my thoughts and hit "publish" because no matter what they are, I have sent them out into the world.

I have a few friends who have been reading my blog. When I saw a comment, it would swell my heart with gratitude, and lift me up. I felt like I wasn't a sole voice in the desert of my thoughts. Now, I see comments every day. And they mean the world to me. They are like precious gifts of love, support, and wisdom. I am buoyant!

This makes my writer's soul happy. That someone is reading what I have written and gaining something from it.

Yes, the Ace of Balloons is a perfect card for today. Buoyant, and free, cutting through the darkness and reflecting the light.

I hope your day is rich and free, and the light reflects on, in and around you.

Blessed be :)

December Whirl

I awake this morning slightly groggy and hung over. Strange, I had nothing to drink... Maybe it's the weather or maybe because it's my first day without Soul Coaching, I am feeling tired.

But how can I be when this is the first thing I see when I open my eyes in the morning? ---------->

This is my Stinky. My little companion and reality check. This photo was taken by my god daughter. Isn't he so cute? :)

Oh and it's December now!

I have meetings this week up the wazoo. I am running a blogging workshop for Professional Development this Friday. I have a lot of work coming my way before the two week break!

So much to do this month. Such a whirlwind of activity and plans. Birthday parties, holiday gatherings, making gifts (I decided this year will be a craft year), decorating my home (it's been a few Christmases that I hadn't bothered to decorate my tree), get-togethers with friends. Whirl whirl!

In this festive bustle, I have made a few appointments with myself.

Yesterday when I was decluttering and reorganizing my closet, I found a box from my move that I had stowed away. (I moved two years ago!) I found a paraffin facial bath that I had bought eons ago. Guess who's going to be using it? Can you say Spa Night? :)

I am making an appointment to see a Naturopath in two weeks and an acupuncturist this Saturday.

During the holidays, I will be resting a lot because I need it badly. I have scheduled empty days of recharging, but I will also be finishing the last 4 chapters of a novel I started in the Ice Age. They are all mapped out, all I need to do is fill in the blanks. That is one thing I need to square away. Check. Done. Move on. Pass it along. Make it someone else's "To Do" Item. :)

I feel different. Stronger, more serene, not prone to drowning in the dark cloud that I allowed to hang over me.

I know this week will have its challenges, and adventures.

I am getting together tomorrow night with my friend and partner in crime Renata, to plan out next semester for our department.

I am part of the union executive at our school and we will be having a very important meeting this Wednesday. It will define the staff as victors or victims. We are taking action to document all the examples of harassment and abuse, and present it to our union leader. Take THAT! :)

Thursday night is our Department Holiday social so I will be baking spanakopita on Wednesday night while watching the finale of So You Think You Can Dance- Canada. Yum! My recipe strays a little from the traditional one. I add sun-dried tomatoes and olives to my filling... Drool? :)

No wonder I woke up tired! Haha!

But one thing I know for sure. I will be enjoying every minute of it. Even if it is very challenging and frustrating. I will allow the stress and upset if it comes my way to roll off my back. I will smile in the face of adversity.

That is what Soul Coaching has taught me. I found my equilibrium and I will allow nothing to take it away. Unless it's the man of my dreams, and then I will allow myself some swooning. Wink! :)

I hope you are all well and embarking on amazing new journeys!

Blessed be! :)