Firework

Sometimes, a song just hits home! :)

Firework

Katy Perry

Do you ever feel like a plastic bag,

drifting through the wind

wanting to start again?

Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin

like a house of cards,

one blow from caving in?

Do you ever feel already buried deep?

6 feet under screams but no one seems to hear a thing

Do you know that there's still a chance for you

'Cause there's a spark in you

You just gotta ignite, the light, and let it shine

Just own the night like the 4th of July

'Cause baby you're a firework

Come on, show 'em what you're worth

Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh"

As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby, you're a firework

Come on, let your colors burst

Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh"

You're gonna leave 'em all in down-own-own

You don't have to feel like a waste of space

You're original, cannot be replaced

If you only knew what the future holds

After a hurricane comes a rainbow

Maybe your reason why all the doors are closed

So you could open one that leads you to the perfect road

Like a lightning bolt, your heart will glow

And when it's time, you'll know

You just gotta ignite, the light, and let it shine

Just own the night like the 4th of July

'Cause baby you're a firework

Come on, show 'em what you're worth

Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh"

As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby, you're a firework

Come on, let your colors burst

Make 'em go "Oh, Oh, Oh"

You're gonna leave 'em all in down-own-own

Boom, boom, boom

Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon

It's always been inside of you, you, you

And now it's time to let it through-ough-ough

'Cause baby you're a firework

Come on, show 'em what you're worth

Make 'em go "Oh, Oh, Oh"

As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby, you're a firework

Come on, let your colors burst

Make 'em go "Oh, Oh, Oh"

You're gonna leave 'em all in down-own-own

Boom, boom, boom

Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon

Boom, boom, boom

Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon

Tis the Season

I was listening to the radio, switching in and out of attention on the babble the goes on between songs, when I was struck by the following report: They asked the Santa Clauses to stop ringing their bells downtown because it  was irritating pedestrians.

Really? That's what irritates people? Christmas bells? Not mufflers? Or car horns? Or bus brakes? Or the stench of exhaust pipes? Or the exorbitant holiday "sales"? Or the line ups? Or people bitching about the weather and pretty season sounds?

What's next?

Christmas lights? They hurt the eyes you know if you stare at them too long. Or children's voices? They can be high-pitched when they're excited or laughing. Heaven forbid their joy and the beauty of the season interfere with people's cell phone conversations or shopping frenzy of consumer gluttony.

I'm weird. The thing I look forward to most is the get-togethers filled with holiday cheer and seasonal good will, the Christmas songs, the winter drab being taken over with lights and bells and tinsel, the children buzzing with anticipation. I love the smells of baking and specialty coffee and snow in the air.

What happened to Joy? Peace on Earth? Good will toward all? Including the silenced Santas.

Today, Jamie Ridler's Wishcasting prompt is: "What do you wish to transform?"

I wish to take the Grinch and Master card out of Christmas and transform it back to the magical, loving, sharing, joyous season it should be.

Balancing the Blue

Before I type anything else, I'd like to send a huge wave of ♥ to everyone who sent their warm wishes and thoughts in my last few posts. You fill my heart with comfort, my soul with fresh air, and my mind with possibility in moments that they feel most depleted and battered,. THANK YOU!   :)

If you don't know Jamie Ridler, you're missing someone special. She has the organic ability to intuit the pulse of the world by coming up not only with amazing reading circles, interviews, dream boards, and avenues to connectivity, but by waving her magic sparkling wand over us every Wednesday, invoking powerful wishes from all over the world.

Today's prompt, like so many others, seems to have grown from my thoughts and experiences. Today, Jamie asks, "Where do you wish to go slow?"

Funny, this question should come up during a time in my life when I have been feeling like I'm sinking from existence, slowly whithering away into a puff of forgettable smoke. Not being one to indulge in worry and self-pity for too long, I have been searching my heart and mind for an exit- a way to balance the feelings that threaten to drown me, and those that buoy me above the surface. I have been balancing on the blue, bobbing up and down, seeking a way to save myself from the creatures that lie below the surface, ready to pull me down.

I try not to panic and thrash, for that gives the creatures of the deep more momentum to drown me. In times of crisis, I, like many, tend to act without thinking, unleashing a chain of events that regress my steps to a time before enlightenment. Rash, quick movements are not the best when surrounded by the deep blue, ready to engulf those who do not respect it.

I still my mind and my screaming heart, letting my body float on the waters both raging and benevolent. I know how to swim. I must rely on that. There is a shore somewhere with a warm fire, fresh food and clean clothes for my heart to gain respite from the struggle. I must dig deep, and go slow. In slowing down, I gain strength and listen to the water's purpose. Maybe, it's not meant to drown me, but trying to pull me in a direction my clueless mind cannot register yet.

I wish to slow down, and listen to the wisdom of the blue. Let it pilot me on my Odyssean travels. In slowness, I will find redemption.

My Reality: The First Step - Honesty

As I approached my forties, I began to deal with the growing realization that my life was not going in the direction I liked. My marriage sunk pretty early on, and the relationships I had after that were less than successful. Though I love children, it was becoming increasingly obvious that I would not have any. I hadn't found a suitable partner, nor did I have the finances and support system to be a single mother. I know that in many ways I am like a mother to my students, but it isn't the same thing.

In the Smörgåsbord of Life, my plate was being filled with lemon rinds and over-ripe tomatoes.

While all my friends' lives have been multiplying with people, mine has been shrinking. Friends married or cohabited with their partners, moving on to lifestyles that don't include single friends. Friends with children bonded over their common experience, finding nothing in common with their childless friend. That's not to say that I don't still have a core of good friends, who are more like family to me; and I am truly grateful to them for being in my life, but they are a fraction of the people I used to have in my life.

My only true family, my parents, passed away within months of each other; and though there were people to support me through that time, their loss shrunk my life even more. I had to deal with the long process of grieving on my own. Because there is no downer like someone crying about their loss a long time after it happened, I keep that to myself.

I used to write these thoughts in my blog, until I started feeling like I would sadden my blog buddies with my process. So I have remained silent.

This all sounds very depressing, but it's the reality of the life I have been living. I have been doing my best to expand my circle of being outside my life of one, to reach out to those who are less fortunate, knowing full well how fortunate I am. I have a roof over my head; I can take care of my own needs.

But the core of joy, the type that comes with sharing a conversation over a cup of tea or a glass of wine at the end of a long day, or tucking in a little sleepy form and reading him a bedtime story, or the smell of a baby fresh out of the bath, warm and giggly, that joy has not been in my life. And I miss it.

So I have been doing my best, to deal with the grieving process, the resentment of "why me", the self-pity of not being deemed worthy enough by fate to be loved, and the anger at "wasting" my life. Because it's very easy to be joyous, to talk about art, and self-improvement, and crafty projects, it's very easy to succeed when you come from the nurturing of another's love. It;s not so easy when every day you have a dinner for one to look forward to and a "conversation" with the TV.

As part of my process of change, I have decided to voice my thoughts and feelings on this my blog. So I begin with honesty. Looking the situation right in the face, and admitting that I'm sad. And that is good.

And in the spirit of opening up to joy again, I return to the splendid Jamie Ridler's Wishcasting Wednesday!

Today, Jamie asks, "What do you wish to invite in?"

I wish to invite in Love, Companionship and Family!

Thank you Jamie!

The Mighty R

Sometimes, I have the urge to retreat inside myself because the world is too much to handle. In the past, this would be accompanied by a sense of guilt because I felt like I was being antisocial or a recluse. However, when I'm feeling that my social interactions are taking chunks out of me, this is the wisest move. I have learned to leave the quilt outside the door with the rest of the world clamoring to dump its various agendas and needs at my feet.

In those times, I need to regroup myself and find the core of my being. In crisis mode, the panic sets in and I cannot think clearly. I need to focus on my breath and listen to the meaning in the pauses. I often judge myself and my life by other people's standards; and it is at that time that I most need to find the core meaning in my life, the way it is, not the way I wish it to be.

In consequence, when I find my center, and have stopped beating up myself over things I truly cannot change, I move on to rethink my next steps. I form a plan of action that makes sense for me, not anyone else. I compile a list of must haves, cannot haves, will not do withouts, and will not accept. I place them in perfect little piles pondering on each and every one. Saying goodbye.

The crucial next step is to release all expectations imposed on me by others, expectations that I have adopted as my own, expectations that have grafted themselves onto my soul and burdened it with their impossibility. I watch them as they burn or float into the air, my breath getting easier with the disappearance of each one.

Feeling lighter, I can revive myself, recharged with the new center, uncluttered by guilt and failure and loss.

That's when I can re-enter the world,
my true self,
without the layers of crud,
detoxified
and ready to meet the world again.

Status Update

Living in a world that is over-informed about the most trivial events like when someone had a pumpkin spice donut or they stubbed a toe in the middle of the night, I wonder why my online presence is lessening when everyone else's is increasing.

Sometimes, it feels like we're contestants on some nebulous popularity contest: how many followers we have on twitter, or in the blogosphere, how many "friends" we have on Faceplant, how many people comment or like or retweet the shit we say. There is literally a whole generation of people who are developing the text slouch, text thumbs and text attention span. If you can't say it fast, then I'm not interested.

As a society, we're moving farther and farther away from human contact. People don't feel comfortable and are quickly losing the ability to interact with others. Communication is devolving and more treacherous. One doesn't have to mince words if they're sending a text or commenting on someone's page. Cyber-bullying has become more rampant for the simple fact that most youth don't realize that they're doing it. It's easy to slam someone if you're not looking them in the eye while doing it.

It reminds me of the Milgram Experiment conducted in the 60's where subjects were told that they had to give increasing electric shocks to other "subjects"(really actors) out of sight in another room. Most of those administering the shock eventually ran up to 450 volts of electricity for wrong answers. They had no idea that the shocks were fake, and though some refused to continue, most did when they were told they would not be held responsible.

Remind you of something?

But I digress. All this has nothing to do with my decreased online presence. I just have nothing of personal importance happening, and I can't bring myself to let everyone know every minutia of my existence. I'm sure someone, somewhere cares that I've lost the craving for coffee and have gone to drinking jasmine tea; but even typing this detail bores me. Maybe I'm just craving some real dialogue, some honest face-to-face conversation over a pint of beer or a coffee. Maybe I just don't want to be a contestant.

Facebookphilia

When they make a movie about how a social network system came to be, then you know it has taken over the very fabric of our lives. Facebook is everywhere, and like anything, it can be used for productive healthy interactions or it can be used for shady dealings.

In New York, several educators lost their jobs for inappropriate behaviour with students which, in some form, involved the use of Facebook. In the New York Post article, Teachers fired for flirting on Facebook with students, it calls for the education boards to make policies governing social networking between teachers and students. Talk about chucking out the baby with the bath water.

These adults acted inappropriately not because of Facebook. They were simply caught because of it. They used this online network to prey on the young, but calling for a ban of its use by all teachers because "you have too many teachers who won't think this out" is an insult to the hundreds of thousands of teachers who are not pedophiles and will not prey on their students, with or without Facebook.

School papers, teams and clubs have Facebook pages to communicate events, practices, rehearsals, and scheduling. Teachers use Facebook as extensions to novels, as homework clubs, as ways to obtain missing work.

I use blogs for this purpose, but I have a handful of former students as friends on Facebook, at their request. They sometimes reach out to tell me about what they're doing in their lives, how their university experience in going, when they can visit their alma mater. But other than that, I hardly hear from them. The last thing they want or need is to hang out with their former teacher. They just want to keep a part of their high school experience with them a little longer, and they feel secure having an adult they trust be available to them.

I consider it an honor.

And one day, when they graduate, get their first job, find their soul mate, get married, have their kids, I will learn about it, and be happy for them. These handful won't have gone into the vacuum of life, but be a part of mine in some small way.

Do I deserve to lose my job?

If an adult preys on a young person for any reason, especially sexual, they deserve all the wrath that society has to dole out. However, I find it insulting that just because I happen to share a profession with them, I have to be reprimanded and treated like an imbecile. I find it insulting that just because I have a connection with students beyond the classroom, that I would be suspect of wrongdoing. They are like my children. According to the Education Act, I am their in loco parentis (in place of a parent) and I take this sacred task seriously.

When parents are caught abusing their children, is there a public outcry to remove all children from their parents' care?

We have to decide what kind of society we live in. Do we let the criminal element determine how everyone should be treated? Do we label everyone who happens to share the gender, or race, or family tree the same as them? Or do we use all the available adults at our disposal, parents, teachers, pediatricians, day care workers, cross guards, coaches and club advisors as a team of people looking after our young, protecting them against the likes of  those who would put them in harm's way? I think we all know the answer to that.

And it's time we stop burying our Facebook in the sand.

It's Not a Crime...

It's not a crime to be grumpy. If you decide to go to the corner store in your pajamas make sure you accessorize, and try not to do so in broad daylight...

It's not a crime to be angry. If you're going to express it, paint on campus might be the best way. You can call it art and not collateral damage.

It's not a crime to be disappointed. Sometimes shit happens, and we're left with the clean-up. Use gloves.

It's not a crime to be sad. If someone says there's no reason and to cheer up; tell them to walk a day in your pajamas!

It's not a crime to be selfish. Sometimes. There are limits. If you find yourself eying some random kid's candy, it's time for some yoga; and if anything was made for pajamas, yoga's it!

It's not a crime to want more. Focus on more success rather than more ice cream. One pays the bills, the other creates them.

It's not a crime to be jealous. Use it as a motivator to achieve the things that are lacking in your life. If you find yourself contemplating a hit man, then it's time to seek therapy.

It's not a crime to not like someone. As long as you can live with the fact that it's probably mutual, and move on.

It's not a crime being different. We live on the planet Earth, not planet Stepford. Whether we like it or not, we are all different. Some might be better at hiding it, but I say flaunt it! Just  don't go into traffic court in said pajamas. They have the power to put you away...

There are many things in the world that are crimes, like killing endangered species, or being cruel to others, or making people who have nothing useful to contribute into celebrities and leaders; being human is not one of them.

:)

Bowl of Possibility

Kernels of decisions pop in the heated receptacle of my mind.
Some turn into to fluffy tastiness.
Others burn at the bottom.

I pour them out into the bowl of possibility.
And as I choose one
Savor it in my mouth.
Feel its buttery goodness
enter my bloodstream.

Action is born.
Achievement is reached.
Satisfaction is attained.

Once I have taken the bowl out of reach
of fate's chapped hands
and hold it lovingly in mine
feel the weight of its contents
empower me.

My hands can clear gardens.
Can caulk cracks in my house.
Can move walls.
Can open paths.
My hands.
Move my life
in the direction of its choice.

And the burned kernels?
They can be tasty too.

Think Much?

Sometimes I think I'm not productive enough. 

Not artistic enough. 

Not interesting enough. 

Sometimes I think I don't get out enough.

I don't have enough friends.

The phone doesn't ring enough.

Have I become out of sight, 

out of mind?

Sometimes I think life is passing me by.

Sometimes I think I can't even try.

Sometimes, I think no one really gives a shit.

Sometimes, I think I think  too much.

That's it.

I stop.

I become a giant me and put on my construction boots.

I stomp on all these self-defeating thoughts

that scuttle around the floor of my life.

I step over them.

And out the door.

I accept my life as it is,

and revel in the morning air.

Join a gym.

The sofa has become too sore.

Dismantle my garden.

No one else will do it.

Take a photograph.

How does life look

through it?

Go have a coffee. Talk to a stranger.

Bring along my sketch book.

Smile.

At the danger

of putting myself 

out there.

As

I tower over the ant hills 

of my problems

and enjoy the vista.

I'm in sight

and out of my

mind.

You've Got the Guns But Not the Ammo

Okay, confession time. I watched the Season 11 Premiere of Dancing with the Stars. I wanted to see the line-up...

And an interesting one at that...

In sports, we had NFL quarterback, Kurt Warner and Los Angeles Laker alum Rick Fox towering over their partners, as they did their best not to trample the women and take some slats off the hardwood floor. In this match, Warner won by a slight margin. Their dancing was shrek, but they both had a certain charisma.

In politics, Bristol Palin took over her mother's love of the public eye, when she made her appearance on the dance floor to do a fairly decent cha-cha transformation from business attire to tassels.. What surprised me is that I actually liked the girl's spunk. I'll try not to hold her progenitor against her.

In breaking news, Michael Bolton and David Hasselhoff did their best to rep men in showbiz but seemed to have picked up planks for legs to support their two left feet; and nearly broke their partners. They made Kurt  and Rick look like ballroom pros.

Audrina Partridge from The Hills, Brandy, and Kyle Massey, a child star that hasn't been in the public eye since, lead the pack of B-List celebs who did a pretty decent job dancing. I can't comment on anything else they did because I'm not a fan. Of the three, I liked Massey's energy the best; Audrina surprised me the most, and Brandy dove headlong into the competition like it would save her career.

The once Carol Brady, Florence Herderson wowed me with the amount of F Bombs she dropped! Gotta respect a 76 year old with a potty mouth and great legs. Nuff said! :)

In comedy, Margaret Cho did her interpretation of the Crazy Madam Butterfly Waltz. I found it hilarious and  unexpectedly graceful. The judges were not amused that they turned such a serious dance into a comedy act. I guess they don't realize this show isn't about saving orphans in a battered country.

But whatever.

Speaking of comedy, Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino from Jerkey Shore was one of the contestants. He only had 5 days to rehearse because he had to wrap up this season of drinking, dissing women, and running off his mouth. That didn't stop his performance from being the highlight of the night for me. Not because of his dancing, but because of the judges' comments which I usually fast forward through. When, he tried to be smart with the lead judge, Len Goodman countered, "You've got the guns but not the ammo." I love you Len. Yes I do!

The winner of the evening's scoring was Jennifer "Baby" Grey who doesn't in the least resemble the awkward girl from Dirty Dancing because of the work done on her nose. She broke down during rehearsals when they heard that the song they would be dancing to was the one she danced with Patrick Swayze.  This didn't stop her from pulling off a charming performance, proving that nobody will be putting her in the corner.

Will I be watching again? Truthfully, it's kind of painful watching how awkward a lot of them are on the dance floor, but if Len keeps those lines coming, I might have to skip the dancing and watch what he has to say.

Jerkey Shore

So, how pathetic is it that I'm actually excited my shows are premiering this week? After spending the entire summer transcribing Big Brother feeds, I am aching for some good ole drama, some comedy. Something not real. Something that admits to being scripted.

Oh, I still have my reality and competition shows.

I'm an avid So You Think You Can Dance fan, making sure to catch both the American and Canadian versions. Watching the dancers evolve through some of the stunning choreography throughout the season is exciting. Some of the judges I can do without, but they aren't enough to deter me from watching. Whoever invented the PVR is my hero. Skip.

I watched a season of Kitchen Nightmares only because I mostly like to finish what I've started; but there is altogether way more yelling and abuse than cooking. So I won't be a return customer. Master Chef is supposed to be a much nicer version. so maybe I'll catch it if it returns.

The Top Model shows are great for a laugh, but altogether too irritating to sit through. They should rename it Catty Stick Figures with IQs of Bananas. Meow. That was petty catty of me. Maybe I watched one too many episodes. I have to admit it was like watching a science experiment unfold. How will she make it through this Look See or photoshoot intact? I mean it's so trying being young and thin and interesting-looking.

Survivor and Amazing Race are absolutely fascinating to watch. The challenges are astounding. The human drama piecemeal unlike BB. Outwit, outlast, outplay. Yes please!

I watched one season of Dancing with the Stars, though ballroom dancing is meh to me. I saw it through, but it was irritating that they had a professional dancer and skater amongst celebrities with two and sometimes more left feet. Guess who won? Is the suspense killing you... not so much?

I've tried all the versions of Bachelor/ette/Pad and stopped because it was tainting the whole concept of love and relationships.

I'm still a fan of The Apprentice. I love the challenges and seeing how well I would do in them. I love watching corporate type peeps getting all Jersey Shore on each other.

Which brings me to Jersey Shore. A couple of my colleagues were talking about how great it is, so I set my PVR and recorded an episode to watch.

Seriously?

First of all, there's something intrinsically weird when they need English subtitles for people speaking "English". Granade.

Secondly, if I wanted to watch spoiled men in wife beaters treating women like room service personnel, I would've stayed married. "I treat some women very well," chimes one Jerkey Shorite. Some women? Some?

Thirdly, I thought those hair styles went out in the 90's or is it 80's?

I cannot believe that a bunch of yo-yos who have nothing better to do than party, eat, shop, boink and complain have become famous. Seriously? I'd rather watch Chef Ramsay's face get steaming raw while screaming at some cowering sous chef...

A Time for Change...

Hello Everyone!

During my long absence from my personal blogging, I have been thinking about what direction I want to take. I love this blog and what I have achieved with it, it's time for some change. That doesn't mean I will be deleting or stop using this blog; but it will organically transmute into what it wants to be. When I figure it out...

For the time being, I have decided to focus my attention on the one thing that has been preoccupying my days, and thoughts and energy - school or scruel as I have begun to call it.

As some of you might know... I have been working on a book deconstructing the whole education system, and with that goal in mind, I have created a new blog.

I would love for you to join me and I am looking forward to your insights, experiences and reactions!

So without further ado, I present you:

The Scruel Chronicles

Forgive Me. It Has Been Months....

...since my last online confession!

Life's linemen have dogpiled me; and I've been having a hell of time trying to get out from under them. Not that I have succeeded, as I am doing summer school again this year so that I can finally put down a real floor in my basement.

Imagine that. I will have a whole other floor to use. Heck, maybe I can actually fit more than three people in one room at a time!

Heavens! I might even get a social life again... :)

I would love to report exciting things, and fantastical happenings but alas, I have been chugging along, one manic step at a time.

I would love to reconnect with all of you. I would adore to take the time not just to read your blogs which I do occasionally, but to actually, GASP, comment! As it is, I thought I would post something brief to reassure those of you who are wondering what the heck happened to motor blogger... (BUG HUGS to Linda and Judi!). Believe it or not I think of you often! And I will come by your blog homes and leave some blog love soon! I will also be blogging for Big Brother Dish Chicks!

In case you're wondering I added comment moderation on older posts (namely all of them except this one...lol) because the evil spammers found me. Le sigh! :)

Just one more month and I will be free to be just human again. Sigh... Until then my lovelies!

Judgsicle

It's almost 11 pm; and I had a choice between going to bed, or writing. So, I sit here at my computer, with water and thoughts milling in my head.

Next door, my neighbors are celebrating a birthday in the backyard. They are loud and boisterous. I let the first wave of irritation wash away. I let the negative pass over me. Begrudging them their celebration, no matter how much it's disturbing my train of thought, is beneath me. Judging them because of the drinks they're drinking, and their loud laughter is just plain petty.

Party on dudes.

I think about judgment. The good of it and the bad of it.

And whether our judgments define us.

It is wise to use judgment when assessing new or difficult situations. "Use your best judgment,"they say. Does one buy new clothes one does not need, or does one pay off debt? Will one get more pleasure wearing a new outfit? Of course. Will one get more satisfaction knowing there is less to pay off? No doubt. We can't have our skirt and new furnace too. Decisions need to be made, judgments need to be formed. Sometimes quickly.

Then there is judicial judgment. We count on it's objectivity and fairness, even though at times it rankles our morality. Sometimes judgment sticks in our craw. Sometimes going by the book, by facts alone, bereft of emotion, is necessary. Sometimes, it's not. Emotion is a big part of who we are as human beings. But judgment and emotion don't eat at the same table.

Too much emotion makes judgment, judgmental. It's like going mental. If you're observant, and sometimes even if you're not, you can hear the judgmental in the tone and syntax of statements, aimed to put others in their place.

"Some of us have better things to do."

"That's one hour you can never get back in your life."

"Do you really need to buy another skirt?"

"Don't you think you've had enough?"

"Is that all you did this weekend?"

Why does the word "loser" seem to be a silent member of those sentences? Riding the air of those sentences like a churlish fiend, snickering behind its hand, offering us a big bitter bite from the judgsicles he is selling.

Judgmental scrutiny is often aimed at those of us who do not hide. Those of us who put our true selves out there. Sometimes those statements make hiding a safe idea. Maybe putting ourselves out there is not a very wise thing. Not using our best judgment.

I often think about the times I have caught myself being judgmental. They are not my finest moments. Yet, in acknowledging them, I make myself more aware. In being aware, I force myself to be more fair. More objective. I find myself using good judgment the next time. Or the time after that. After all, I am not perfect.

Far from it. :)

So, I pledge that I will serve people fewer judgcicles. Or at lease try. And when they offer them to me, I will politely decline. Yeah. That sounds like a plan.

Splendiferous Cocoon

There comes a time when the line between the possible and impossible must be drawn. A time to know which battles to retreat from and which to take on. There comes a time when a settled peace must reign, in order to restore direction and sanity. A time to let go, and move on. With less luggage, with fewer expectations, with muted longing.

The turmoil that accompanies striving toward a goal, a goal that cannot be attained no matter how many wishes you make, no matter how many visualizations you conjure, no matter how many intentions are good, must cease. And in that moment, you feel your breath coming in more easily; you feel your muscles relax, your mind unclench.

I have been in a cocoon of seething confusion, going through a tumultuous and often painful process of reshaping my life, untying my expectations, letting go of my perceptions of the unfinished and of failure.

I have numbed my senses so that my brain can use all its stores to work out the problem at hand. The problem that we face at crucial junctures in our lives. The question of: what now?

And the answer came slowly but clearly.

Now.

I dumped all the toxins that my heart and mind have been accumulating, and cleared my vision for the road before me.

This might sound very nebulous, but now with my vision cleared, and my mind off its self-imposed manic merry-go-round, I find myself at peace with my decision and with who I am.

And what of me?

I am a person who speaks the truth in the moment even if it makes others uncomfortable. I refuse to feel guilty for their discomfort because it is born from a habit of subterfuge. I have come to understand that most people find it impossible to speak out in the moment, to address the issue at hand. The answer to the real game of Clue has been: behind closed doors, with half truths, gossip and innuendo. The funny thing is that nothing ever is kept secret. All closed doors have an ear attached to them, listening. Listening. I would rather face the person than her back.

In my so called professional career, I have been targeted because of the fact that I will not sugar coat the truth or the situation. I will not bow down in hypocrisy. When the public punishment came, when I became an example to all that speaking your mind carries dire consequences, even in a society that defends freedom of speech and ideology, I knew that my truth hit home. And when my indignation and anger subsided, I realized that I had won. That even when the worst could happen, I was intact. I am intact.

And so is the truth.

So, I am here blogging. Not about a creative venture I have undertaken, or about a silly show I watch to numb my senses, but about survival.

And to give thanks. Thanks to those of you who have taken a moment of your time to come read, and to give me your support and your lovely words. Your very presence in this world gives me hope. Because you are fabulous.

Life goes on, and as I step over the remnants of my cocoon, bringing with me only the feeling of OM, of Zen, of Je m'en fous. I carry your words with me like a talisman.

Blog Interrupted

I have reached a blog crisis. Every time I think about my blog, I am riddled with guilt. Guilt that I am not keeping up with it. Guilt that I am not visiting my blogging buddies even though I think of you often. Guilt that I am not writing/sharing anything meaningful.

As I watch my followers dwindle, I am overtaken with a sense of loss. Why wouldn't people stop following? What's to follow? I have reduced my blogging to writing about a show I am not that into and which, in the grand scheme of my life, means nothing. And the guilt rages on.

I make resolutions to write every day. And I do write every day. Just not on my blog. I can only share my book when I have secured copyright. We all know that no matter how many copyright laws are in place, people routinely and blithely steal off the internet. Images, words, songs, movies. The list goes on.

The fact remains that my life is in turmoil right now. I am in a holding pattern, focusing on one step at a time. I have been beaten down, and though I am not one to cave, it has taken its toll on me. Many mixed metaphors here.

My life has become a mixed metaphor.

Around me lie bits and pieces of my projects, dreams, goals. Scrap book stickers, beads, and watercolors. I start a project and wander off into my catatonia. I cannot sustain a thought long enough to express it properly.

I stumble over my words.

Yes, I still laugh and make others laugh. Yes. I reach out to my friends. Yes. I pour my creativity into my lessons. Into my passion.

But right now. I am a woman in a Picasso painting. I am a mosaic of splintered pieces of what I have been and I am transforming. Slowly. Taking bird steps. Shaking my wings.

Which brings me back to this blog.

I have been teetering on the brink of deleting it. With the need to step away from the guilt it is generating, I have been wondering whether it is best to make a clean break.

But I miss you all. I miss your stories of empowerment, and struggle, and victory. I miss your art, your children, your words. Yet, I do not come to your door. Because I will come with empty hands and an empty mind.

So I apologize. That I have not been present. That I have not come to visit you and spread seeds of joy like I used to for a long time. I still care about you, think about you, and love you.

Blessed be. :)

Insane Reality

What is reality anyway? Is any two people's reality the same? They can experience the identical but perceive it from different lenses, lenses honed by the unique grouping and chemical reaction of their experiences, bias, and feelings.

On Celebrity Apprentice, Mr. Trump expressed his perplexity at the fact that the women did not make as many tips as the men, given that "many of [them] are beautiful." Gee Donald, aren't you special. His bias came tumbling out of his big mouth easily. Cyndi Lauper gave him GPA directions on where to go and she didn't back down. She set him straight when he started in on Rosie O'Donnell; she made sure he saw her supreme distaste at his language; and she wouldn't quiver under his overbearing. loutish demeanor. Trump might be a powerful, filthy rich entrepreneur, and Lauper might be an entertainer, but my wholehearted respect lies with the latter.

Tonight, the final 12 sing on AI. I have been wrestling with the thought of skipping it. I don't know how much of the "judging" I can take, but I committed to it, so I will see it through.

Speaking of judges. I was watching ABDC (America's Best Dance Crew) on Sunday; and as I listened to the judges' give the crews notes, I was struck by the contrast between them and the panel on AI. On ABDC, the judges give the crews constructive criticism and observations, specific details and areas to focus on. There are no personal attacks on the contestants, no jeering commentary, no jokes at their expense. The judges on AI can take some pointers from them....

Tonight, they sing Rolling Stones. This might be painful...

Speaking of painful, they brought back the human interest stories. Time to feel manipulated. Why can't they just focus on the singing?

Michael Lynche sings "Miss you." He starts with his now signature falsetto; and sprinkles it liberally with some funk. Will this cause Kara to blubber again? Randy babbles on, and concludes that Mike "slayed it". Ellen is on board with the praise. Kara spills all she knows about the Stones. Simon is being honest again, calling his dancing "corny" and "desperate." WTF? Ryan tries to clarify what Simon said; Simon gets crusty; and Ryan, my new personal hero, gets right in his face. It was the best spectacle this show has offered this season!

Thankfully, I will be getting a PVR. I will relish the fast forward option. :)

Didi Benami sings "Playing with Fire". She is dressed in black, and is darkly dramatic. This is her most animated performance to date. Randy drools. Ellen bubbles. Kara simpers; and Simon babbles.

Casey James sings "It's All Over Now" spinning it into a country tune. Though it isn't my favorite genre of music, I must give him props for riding that song like a seasoned cowboy. They will probably need to scrape Kara off the floor. Randy is excited. Who cares? Ellen is hysterically funny. Kara... blah blah... soul... blah. Simon doesn't agree. Calls it an audition performance without using the stage. His contract must state that he has to disagree at intervals, or he is just crusty.

Lacey Brown tackles "Ruby Tuesday". Cue violins. This interpretation is highly ill-advised. There is Mozart; and there are the Stones. The twain should never meet. She went off key in several places; and confused the heck out of me. Randy says something. Ellen advises her not to go to the Grand Canyon because she loves to sit on the edge of things. Kara goes 50/50. Simon says he was trying to think it through while she was performing. I hope he didn't sprain anything.

Andrew Garcia's rendition of "Give Me Shelter" is just a shot away. His singing is powerful and passionate. But, meh. The judges commentary has managed to delete everything that is unique about him. Randy brings out the "pitchy" from his bag of tricks. Ellen thinks it was his best performance yet. Kara wants to feel war. Ridiculous. Simon asks her if she wanted him to come on stage with a tank. LOL! Two points for Simon.

Katie Stevens chose "Wild Horses" hoping it's the most current of the "old" songs. There she is on the stool, in a dress most 5 years olds wear, making the Stones sound Celine Dion. The horror. She has such amazing range in her vocals; but she needs coaching on her vocals and her stage persona. Randy acknowledges that they gave her a lot of misdirection. Then I stopped listening. Their comments were like wilted lettuce.

Tim Urban aka the fourth Jonas Brother sings "Under My Thumb" in Reggae beat. I have never disliked a reggae tune, until tonight. Seriously? He might as well put on a tight dress and sing "Happy Birthday Mister President". Randy thinks it bizarre. Ellen boos herself, saying she feels like she was at a resort. Piña Colada... Mmm! Kara shows her bias and applauds him for doing something different. How about you applaud everyone who does so, Kara? Simon says it didn't work, and Stones fans would be turning off their TVs. I came very close, Simon. Very close.

Siobhan Magnus belts out "Painted Black". She looks and sounds spectacular. She is deliciously dramatic. My skin has filled with goosebumps. I am looking at a star. As far as I am concerned, this was the first performance of the night. What other contestants? Randy and Ellen loved it. Kara compares her to Adam Lambert. Simon calls it the stand-out performance of the night. Not even they can deny the brilliance of Siobhan. :)

Lee Dewyze is up next with "Beast of Burden". He sings it in a very Lee Dewyze, laid back, authentic way, with his raspy strong voice. Randy thinks it was "dope". Ellen compares it to a hospital gown, not completely together. Oh Ellen, I heart thee. Kara wants to celebrate his growth. No comment. Simon thinks Lee needs to let his personality to come through more.

Paige Miles has chosen "Honky Tonk Woman". She maintains a very bluesy country feel throughout the song. Very supersonic. The person who suggested her wardrobe, however needs to be fired. Gray shorts jumper with black tights and brown boots. Not good. Randy thinks she pulled it out. Whatever that means. Ellen says she has presence on stage. Kara's comments are irrelevant. Simon and Randy didn't know she had laryngitis. What show do they work for?

Aaron Kelly starts off on the stairs with his version of "Angie" which is adequate. The kid has a very good voice, but the stage swallows him up. Which leads me to my strong belief that they need to not let anyone on under 18. They need time to season. Not that at 18, they are seasoned enough, but they need more time. Randy could hear Justin Timberlake. Turn off your iPod Randy. Ellen called it one of the stand-out performances of the night. Really? Kara and Simon give him props.

Last is Crystal Bowersox who takes on "You Can't Always Get What You Want". Gotta love the make-overs at this point. Crystal is very talented and sounds the most professional of all the contestants. The crowd loves her and so do the judges. Even if she doesn't sing that well, they will praise her. They are kinder in their tone toward her, while they slam others for the same things.

Well, that's all I wrote this week for AI.

Who do I think should say their goodbyes? Tim Urban for sure. It will be a toss up between Paige, Katie and Didi.

Until next week! :)

Reality Insanity

I sit here in my office, staring out at the snow as it tumbles down in tufts for the first time this season. My coffee is warm and perfect. My house is quiet. Peace reigns inside and outside my head.

I have not fallen off the face of this planet. I have been cocooning, trying to restore my balance, my sense of direction, my stoicism. What I have been doing a lot of is reading and watching television - namely the Olympics and reality TV.

First, and foremost, I would like to especially thank Serena, Gemma, Judi, Rowena, Boho Mama, Shell, Steve, Tabby, Paula, Queen Muse, Rosebud, Tess (welcome!) and Cynthia (welcome back!) for your beautifully supportive and touching comments. All the best to you, my blogging friends. I have returned to blogland because of you. There was a time I thought of deleting my blog and leaving because I started to think I had nothing much to say worth sharing and because I have been a very poor blog pal indeed.

My news in a nutshell:

• My gluten-free diet has had several positive effects. I have gone down a dress size; I don't feel bloated with painful gas any more; my skin is clearing up. The most interesting part about all this is that it has not been a struggle to maintain. No falling off the wagon. No cravings that I can't overcome.

• I have now almost completely gone organic, especially with meat and dairy products. The hormones that have been fattening up the livestock, have been fattening me up. I figure it's worth a try, and since only good can come of it, there is nothing to lose, except a few extra dollars and hopefully a lot of extra pounds. And as the commercial says, I'm worth it. :)

• I have scrapped all my other projects in favor of writing about something that has truly preoccupied me which is the sad state of my profession. The preliminary title of my book is School Schmool, but that it bound to change. I will share some of it with you, welcoming your feedback.

• I have immersed myself in reality TV: Amazing Race, The Bachelor, Survivor, American Idol. There is something lurky and seedy about these shows that in my present state of mind, I crave. I have always been a student of human nature, my own and others'; and these shows provide me with infinite material. It is mostly this material that I will be sharing with you on my blog until the implosion of my personal life settles into something more inspiring. :)

Here are some of my preliminary thoughts on these shows:

Amazing Race is easily my favorite because not only does it take us around the world to experience things we probably never will, but it contains a lovely element of personal achievement. This season has an additional sweet spot, namely the inclusion of a couple who met and got together on Big Brother, Jeff and Jordan. I enjoy seeing them in circumstances diametrically opposed to those on BB. They have been doing quite well; not to mention they are genuinely cute together.

Survivor: Heroes versus Villains is really a misnomer. It is supremely difficult to win this game being a "hero". Strategy is all about blindsides and backstabbing. After all they must outwit, outplay, outlast. I have favorites from both those tribes, and am looking forward to seeing what happens.

The Bachelor is not a show I usually watch, and have not watched throughout. The whole concept is quite unsettling especially with contractual obligations to pretend to be "in love" or "falling for" multiple partners, ensuing in inevitable drama. The thing that got to me about this season is not the participants as much as the viewers and the media. You would have to live in a time-warped bubble not to notice how the tabloids, show hosts, and entertainment commentators have been shamelessly trashing one of the women of the show, Vienna. People have been saying and printing some very vicious statements about her; and having watched some of the show, I have to wonder what about her brings out the mean girl in so many. To repeat what they have been saying would be condoning it, so I won't but seriously do these people have any mirrors in their homes?

American Idol Season 9 is under way; and for the first time I have been watching it since the auditions. Though I had some early favorites, the first show with the 24 left me bored and repeatedly reaching for the remote, especially when I writhed with agony at the many pitch problems. Could the contestants even hear themselves? I watched as each of my favorites floundered through songs I would have not picked for them, and renditions that either puzzled me or left me in need of pain killers. I am cursed with perfect pitch. My ears were offended regularly by several of the women and men.

The one bright spot of the show? Ellen. She brings a ray of sunshine on the judges' panel which has been horribly nasty, and unproductively negative throughout the process. They laughed in people's faces during some of the auditions; and no matter how foolish and deluded those auditioning are, it does not excuse this rude and childish behavior on the part of the judges. The comments they were making on the first live show, while true, could have been tempered with some tact and humanity. In past seasons, I have always agreed with Simon's assessment, after all, the man knows the industry; but I found myself shaking my head at his comments on Tuesday's and Wednesday's shows. He has been particularly brutal. His eye might be projected into his X Factor future, but this is no way to act. He was however, not the only one with inappropriate commentary and behaviour. Kara DioGuardi's simpering and carrying on during contestant's Casey James' performance was just plain embarrassing.

Phew. What a long post! Stay tuned for more show commentary and snippets of the book I am writing. I will be coming around like a good blog neighbor to have some tea at your blog homes and eagerly read what you have been up to!

Cheers my beautiful friends. :) It's good to be back.

Choked and Punked

I would like to begin by thanking those of you who have been sending me your support and good thoughts. I feel your caring surrounding me like a warm summer breeze in the chill of the reality that has bitten me. I have been fighting the demons of bitterness and disappointment.

I lost the battle.

The teacher's union said they can do nothing for me. There is nothing they can do for me unless some "ism" has been violated. Otherwise principals have carte blanche to vilify and abuse us. To make matters worse, the union rep I contacted didn't have the decency to even reply to my email. I heard it through another teacher who works on a committee with her.

The whole system is corrupt.

The irony? I'm a good teacher, a thoughtful leader, a spokesperson for those who cannot or will not use their voices. If I had been a horrible teacher, a pedophile, a deviant, I would have gotten some representation.

I made a decision to look at the positive to any situation. I can safely say, the universe has been testing me. It has been a struggle for me to lift my head above the clouds of this situation and see the sunshine. My colleagues have been more than sympathetic and supportive, outraged even. This is a reality check we have all been served. No one is fooled about the principal's motivations in targeting me. The problem is it doesn't matter what we see or what we know. Her tyranny will remain unchecked.

I will focus on my kids, the ones I am really there for. I will be the best teacher I can be, for them. And the rest be damned.

Yes, my blogging has suffered, and I have disappeared. I will get back in the groove. I will come back fighting.

But for now, I will regroup. I will keep my shoulders above the stormy clouds and try to absorb the rays of sunlight. :)

The Battle Begins.

So another battle wages in my world. I didn't go looking for it but it came to my doorstep. That's not to say, that the choices were clear for me, but a choice had to be made. This battle is helping me learn some very valuable lessons.

I can't go into specific details yet, but suffice it to say the Gremlin Principal has launched an attack against me, for the simple reason that I will not be silenced. And rather than take it, the super hero in me is launching a counter attack. The union is becoming involved.

The first lesson I learned is that I will not prostrate myself blindly to tyranny. The second lesson I learned is that I have many allies. It is humbling to find so many people rallying around me, equally outraged and willing to fight the good fight.

For those of you who know me and have been reading my blog for a while, you know the kind of untenable situation we work in at a school plagued by dictatorial and incompetent leadership. Staff from all ranks and students alike have reached the saturation point; and this latest targeting of me has been the straw that broke the camel's back.

I'm not being targeted because I am not doing an outstanding job, or because I am not an expert in my field, or because I have not made a lot of positive changes, or because I have not created an environment of collegiality and communication. I'm being targeted because I am outspoken. And that, my friends, is unacceptable in a society that prides itself on equity, freedom of speech, and inclusiveness.

The very way our school is being run has caused bloody revolutions in countries, has caused sit-ins and protests, and United Nations interventions. None of these extreme measures will apply here, but a battle is being waged with the tools of a "civilized" society.

I had a choice. Swallow this bitter pill, say nothing, do nothing, and allow the Principal to continue along her draconian path. Or. Take up the banner, gather my troops, and march headlong into the fight for liberty, justice and pursuit of unfettered education.

It is my duty as an educator, a proponent of critical thinking, mindful living and responsible action, to model this behaviour. If I were to lie down and allow myself to be run over by the freight train that is the administration, I might as well quit my job and sell butt plugs. I would not be worthy to stand before the young and claim to guide them into adulthood. I would be a sham. And that is not who I am.

That is not who I am.

Fun for Fun

Rock2010 by Genie Sea

(click to enlarge)

I made this on Polyvore. I just played around a bit, without a plan or purpose. Just added images and words as I was scrolling through them. Made my mind blank and let my intuition play.

Happiness is doing things just for the joy of it. No reason. No purpose. Just fun. Like kids. We all like kids, don't we? We envy their abandon, their trust, their headlong leap into life. We need more of that in our adult lives.

There is a little bit of magic everywhere, and you don't really have to look to hard to find it. There are infinity possibilities for happiness everywhere. How exciting is that? :)

Gluten-Free for Me

I am on week two of my gluten-free existence. You would think it would be a hardship like most dietary restrictions, but it's not. At first, it was difficult trying to find substitutes for the yumminess that comes in gluten products such as whole grain breads which I love, but I have successfully navigated the substitutions and feel no loss.

It's been like a mini mystery, trying to discover all those hidden glutens that reside in foods like ice cream and oyster sauce; but I have been reading labels like they are the hottest best sellers. It doesn't help that I have also eliminated all soy products from my diet as well, and you would be surprised where soy resides. I have had to become more creative in my preparation of marinades using oyster juice, Tabasco sauce and sesame seed oil for my stir-fried meals.

But it's all worth it because less gluten equals smaller glutes. :)

And the results have been dramatic. The dry patches are disappearing from my skin. I don't feel bloated all the time. I don't get acid reflux all the time like I used to. I have more energy. I am sleeping better.

Fruit, vegetables and nuts have substituted other gluten-rich foods. I am eating more meals throughout the day, and make sure I have protein with each meal. I feel full faster, and stay full throughout the day.

Who would have thought that such innocuous substances could do such damage to my system and my well-being? Who could have thought that with some small changes, I could feel worlds better? And I haven't even started my new workout routine!

Fantastic! :)

Textology

Text from: xxx-xxx-xxxx

Genie says:

Hello. R U there?

Message Sent

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I really like and appreciate technology.

I have almost all the Nintendo systems along with games, especially Zelda and Mario. I don't have a Wii... yet. I love playing a quest game that challenges my mind and my reflexes. I feel smarter when I play. Sometimes, I feel a little frustrated, but I know when to walk away. I know when to open a book, or get out my paints, or make a necklace.

I have a cell phone. I like being able to find a friend in a huge department store or at a theater using our cell phones. I like being able to text a friend when one or neither of us is available to talk, to connect; but I know when it's time to hear a voice, when it's time to talk, when it's time to turn the cell phone off, like when I'm driving. I know when it's time to leave the cell phone behind and take a walk or go for a coffee without being reached.

I spent 5 years in the online chatting world. I tried it all, from 2D IRC chat to 3D virtual reality chat. For many years, it absorbed me; it became my real life. I learned a lot about myself and others. It was quite the experience. I love Skype and the ability to talk to someone who is another continent away without the long distance charges. I love online social networking and the ability to connect with people I haven't talked to in years.

I love blogging. I love being able to throw my random thoughts out, and see where they settle. I love reading other people's thoughts, looking at their art, their crafts and pictures of their kids. I love being part of a global community. At the touch of my fingertips.

I love how technology has enhanced my life, but I am also aware of its dangers. It's easy to get caught up in things far away, or convenient at the expense of the immediate and inconvenient.

Today, I watched as student after student navigated the crammed hallways, head down, thumbs working, oblivious to the world around them. I had to tell five different students in my classes today to stop texting and to put their phones away. Three of them were texting during someone's presentation. Two girls got into a fight in school over something that was posted on someone's wall. I had to remind two students that they had 3 more days left before the finals, to stop talking about who they were following on twitter and focus on their essays.

More and more, I feel like I am losing them to technology, losing their focus, their attention span, their desire to learn something as archaic as reading between the lines or building a really good argument, or learning to spell and understand the word "archaic". I feel like I should gather their cell numbers and text them the lesson. Fifty characters at a time. We have class blogs, Facebook pages dedicated to novels, twitter accounts to deliver instructions. That's all very creative on our (read: teachers') part, but we have to be, in order to feed knowledge to our students byte by byte.

This idea scares me a bit. Especially when a colleague states at a meeting, "Why do we need to get books? They can read it online."

I see a future of exclusively plugged-in people, bumping into each other like drones on the street as they are fed "information" or entertainment (read: celebrity gossip), or music with lyrics about women's junk and getting shanked. I see a future with people losing the ability to communicate fully, to sit face to face over a coffee, chatting or just enjoying each other's presence. Students will take courses such as Textology, History of Chat, Social Networking etc...

Am I exaggerating? Is the fear talking? Am I getting outdated and being shortsighted? I don't know, but the idea of it becoming real scares the blinking modem out of me. :)

How do I Love Thee?

What do you call a cross between a romantic and a pragmatist? I don't know; but I am one of them.

I have had many discussions over the past few weeks with women about relationships. And some common themes keep coming up, over and over. Disappointment. Disillusionment. Disenchantment.

Here is the thing. I believe in love. In the truest sense of the word. I believe there is the perfect person for each person. Maybe there are multiple people for each person. The issue is, we have to find that person. That person has to find us. That's where luck, destiny, karma, whatever you want to call it comes into play. This belief makes me a romantic.

The problem is, many of us spend an inordinate amount of time, emotion, and commitment with those who aren't. We settle. We think we can make the best of the situation. We think we can change or change the other person. We bind ourselves in wrong relationships out of fear of being alone, fear of being a social failure because the pressures to be in a relationship are ridiculous. So, if our focus is on something that isn't working, how can we be present and available to discover something that will?

But can we leave it to chance? What if we never meet the one? What if we are destined to always be that single person in a sea of couples? What if that notion is pure crap?

So what? Does that mean we have to spend our lives being unhappy with ourselves, with living? Does that mean we compromise our very being not to be alone? Does that mean we have to make ourselves change to be with someone else? Or we have to fine-tune the other person so that he/she becomes who we want them to be?

If we cannot be who we are with the person we have chosen to share our lives with, if he or she cannot be themselves, then what's the point? Who are we? Who are we with? How can it work?

Bottom line. It can't. Being in a relationship should not be work. We should not be trying to make it work. It should be freeing, easy, uplifting.

Sure, in every relationship there is adjustment. Adjustment to the other person, his/her space, separate interests, perspective, other people in their lives and their lives before us. But that adjustment shouldn't be existentially painful. It shouldn't feel like we are hiding significant aspects of who we are. It shouldn't mean we have to be perfect, because perfection is relative.

It should be like a flower opening up to a bee.

Sure, every relationship has its challenges, its conflicts, its issues. We are human after all, and those arise whether we are in a relationship or not. We are not defined by the problems we encounter. We are defined in how we approach them. If our relationship creates problems, if we find ourselves facing the other like a combatant on the field, then how is this a nurturing relationship? Who is our ally in the conflict? Who do we talk to if not to the person with whom we are facing the challenge? If we can't work together, why are we even bothering?

A relationship should not make us feel inadequate. Should not make us feel like failures. It should allow us to love ourselves even more. It should allow our entities to embrace the other as he or she is. In our good days and our bad. It should be a breath of fresh air, not a labored gasp for oxygen.

Feeling Good

This song has been in my head for days now.... Written by Anthony Newley and Leslie Bricusse for the 1965 musical The Roar of the Greasepaint—the Smell of the Crowd. Performed here by Muse.

Sing along with me? :)




Birds flying high
You know how I feel
Sun in the sky
You know how I feel
Reeds driftin' on by
You know how I feel
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And I'm feeling good

Fish in the sea
You know how I feel
River running free
You know how I feel
Blossom in the tree
You know how I feel
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And I'm feeling good

Dragonfly out in the sun you know what I mean, don't you know
Butterflies all out havin' fun you know what I mean
Sleep in peace when the day is done
And this old world is a new world
And a bold world
For me

Stars when you shine
You know how I feel
Scent of the pine
You know how I feel
Yeah freedom is mine
And I know how I feel
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me

And I'm feeling good

Yeah Baby!!!

Where is the Love?

One of the conscious changes I have decided to make is to have a more positive outlook on things and people that affect me on a daily basis. It might not change the way things are; but at the very least, it will change how I look at things, and how I react to them.

This is a lifelong habit that I have cultivated; so I have to be conscious of it, and make a focused effort to eliminate. It ain't easy. I find that I put myself in check so many times a day. Over the simplest things.

"Why all this stupid traffic? This is irritating." Check. Readjust. "I can't clear the traffic; but I love the song playing on the radio." I arrive singing, not peevish and irritated. A minor victory. :)

There's another thing I noticed in the process. I am not alone in the mire of negativity. It pops and crackles all around me. I see it in my students as they are embroiled in the mire of self-deprecation or criticism of each other. It can get nasty. I see it in my colleagues who are just as dissatisfied with our working environment as I am. Nothing seems to work right.

But in focusing on what goes wrong, what is wrong, we perpetuate it. We make it bigger than it is. We make it overwhelming.

On the other hand, if we focus on the positive, no matter how minor it seems, we perpetuate that. It becomes bigger. It glows. It overshadows the negative.

I smile at a student in the hallway. "Nice hat!" I say. The student smiles and takes it off. Further down the hallway, another teacher is yelling at a student for not taking off his hat. They get into a confrontation. It's a shit-storm. Over a hat.

It's all in the approach.

I was waiting in line to pay a traffic ticket. A long, messy, disgruntled line. I watched as person after person took their frustration out on the clerk. The interactions were like car wrecks. One after the other. The clerk's face became angrier and meaner, with every person in front of me. My turn approached. I was not happy standing in line, nor in the prospect of the waiting ahead of me. It was one of many lines that I would have to go in... I smiled at the clerk. I said, "Good afternoon." The turbulence cleared on her face and she smiled back.

Now, I would like to say that because of my smile I got my ticket paid off faster. That isn't the case. It turned out that while the office is open until 4:30 pm, you effectively waste your time going there unless you have secured an "audience" with the prosecutor before 12:30. The clerk did go out of her way to give me some valuable pointers, pointers she would have not shared had I been one of the clan of Crustoids that preceded me, and no doubt would follow.

I left the place without having achieved anything, but at least I left with my blood pressure in tact, a smile on my face, and the sunshine to accompany me home.

And in the end, isn't that all that matters?

There is an App for that...

So, I am in class. I am steadily going through students' essay outlines and paragraphs, while they work on a narrative poetry assignment. All is quiet. Everyone is uncharacteristically on task. Some are plugged into their iPhones because Jobs forbid they should go without. A student puts up his hand and asks me what rhymes with "work". Another student pipes up, "There's an app for that. It can tell you all the words that rhyme with any word."

"Great, I say. Is there an app that can help you cross the street? You will need that soon."

I mean come on people. Have we become so dependent on technology that we can't perform any task without it? We can't find a restaurant, or bake a cake, or go a minute without changing our status on Facebook or Twitter. Because, you know life would not be the same if we can't instantly find out that one of our friends is biting her nails, or about to dye his hair.

Thinking is so outdated anyway.

I can't tell you the amount of times I have had to sit and watch as someone blathered on their cell phone during dinner, or having a coffee. Cooper forbid we should go through a whole dinner or a coffee without being reached. Who cares about the person we are with? Why aren't they on their mobile phones?

Like really.

I have observed couples on a date sitting across from each other, porcelain plates, silver cutlery, linen, candles, the works between them while they each jabber on their phone.

Yeah. Romantic.

People walk down the street or onto buses or stand in lines yammering to their phones. Treating everyone to the mundane details of their lives, and then give others dirty looks if they happen to overhear. Maybe we should go spontaneously deaf in public so they can have their privacy.

Maybe there's an app that will simulate a mate or a friend and we can do without the face-to-face interactions altogether. :)

Chronicles of Change

All good things come to those who change. Once the decision has been made, there are several processes that need to happen. Visualization of the change is necessary, but so are the practical things that can bring it to fruition. One must research and study, and then prepare the necessary tools. It also takes courage and an iron will to leave behind habits of being that have not been working.

Then comes the slow and steady application of the visualizations, research and preparations. In other words, action.

These are the chronicles of my change:

Professionally, I have decided to remove myself emotionally from the many failures of the system in which I work. In letting go of the things that are not in my control, I am free to focus on the things that are. I am free to focus on the fun in my profession not the frustrations.

Personally, I have been speaking up to the people in my life who have thus far marginalized me. I don't keep silent out of politeness, anymore. I don't grumble to others about it. I just tell them what I find acceptable and what I don't. Bottom line. I don't want to spend any more time trying to keep people in my life who don't respect my time or my company. I have people who do; I'll focus on them.

Physically, I am in the process of changing my diet. I call it a process because there is a huge learning curve here. The first thing off the menu is gluten; and so many things contain gluten. Things that are prepared gluten-free are very expensive which means I need to make the foods I used to buy. Like bread or bread products. I need to change the way I prepare my meals. I have to be conscious of everything that's in every forkful of food I eat.

I am swimming in a huge kaleidoscope of changes. It can seem daunting; but I am excited. Yes, excited because the things that are not working are not worth keeping. It clears the way for things that do.

Drop It

Fresh starts aren't just about goals and resolutions. Fresh starts are also about a new way of looking at things, a new way of reacting.

When we clean and declutter, we make decisions about what is worth keeping and what needs to be thrown away. Sometimes, the things that we hold onto for dear life - habits, reactions, beliefs, mementos - are things that hold us back. Sometimes, we have to grit our teeth, take a deep breath, and toss, toss, toss.

See Genie Toss...

Tossing away past hurts and grudges. They serve no purpose, except keep me in a bitter soup.

Tossing away past judgements and preconceptions. Life has moved on. It's a different moment in time. I will look on the world like a new born.

Tossing away things that caused me pain. Holding onto them is holding on to pain.

Today, a stone-faced Vice Principal who will never look me in the eye when I talk to her, summarily vetoed the changes I made to my department timetables. Changes that she said I could make. Changes that would give more teachers courses they want to teach. Changes that would put fewer teachers in two departments. Changes that would allow teachers to teach in the same room instead of rushing from one end of the school to the other. Changes that took me hours and hours of discussions, consultations, and paperwork to make.

Why did she do this? Because she can.

Because she can.

I will not put myself in that position any longer. I care about my teachers, about my students, about my profession. I will not be a puppet on the string of incompetent, uncaring, vindictive, power-hungry individuals. Individuals who do not care about teachers, or students, or this profession.

I am dropping it. I put in a good fight. I made a difference. I made things better.

Of this I am proud.

It's as far as I can go in this environment. Now is the time to focus on things I can change. Now is the time to make a difference in smaller scales, in areas where I am allowed to affect change, and screw those "running" the school (to the ground).

Now is the time for me to focus on the things that bring Genie joy, not heartache, not disappointment, not frustration, not pain.

I feel lighter already. :)

Date with Myself

Yesterday, I decided to take myself out on a date. Fresh from a whirlwind of holiday festivities, I wanted some downtime with myself.

So I dolled myself up, and took myself to the movies!

I found the best parking spot, closest to the theater which was amazing as it was like a thousand degrees below zero. I got a ticket to the movie which was lucky as I went to see Avatar which has been selling out consistently since it was released.

The lineup for pop corn was small and speedy, and I found my absolute favorite drink - Glaceau Vitamin Water - XXX flavor which is oxygenated water with acai, blueberry and pomegranite juices. It's like liquid, healthy candy!

In the theater, I got the perfect seat, and despite the fact that the theater was packed, somehow the seats on either side of me remained unoccupied. Lady luck went out on the date with me last night!

And the movie?

Absolutely, breathtakingly magical 3D. It was clever, visually stunning, emotionally compelling and absolutely captivating. The final fight scene was a bit drawn out, but I have little patience for fight scenes... There I was, watching a brilliant movie, munching on buttery popcorn (they use real butter!) and downing my liquid heaven. I didn't even notice that almost 3 hours passed.

After the movie, I popped over to the Imperial Buffet and got myself some take-out Chinese food, focusing on the healthier choices, and went back home. I don't like eating out alone.

I got back to my warm cozy home, doled out the food on a plate, poured myself some wine, lit the candles, and popped in a CD. Very romantic dinner for one.

And do you know that the whole time, I did not experience even one moment of loneliness? Do I want to have a similar experience with a special man? Of course, I do! But, I spent the evening with someone special - me. And what a wonderful night it was! :)

Dinner Table

We had an interesting discussion at the dinner table.

First of all, may I say how great it is to gather with others around a dinner table and talk? I don't have that in my daily life. If I have dinner, I usually have it alone. Now, before you feel sorry for me, there is nothing sad about it. It's a fact of my life at present. It makes all the times I gather with others that much more special. I don't take them for granted.

The table was brimming with food. I was sitting with my adopted family not by blood or by marriage. A family by friendship. A family, I might not be with at all times, but a family I love. Dinner was pretty much over, yet we still sat at the table. Some were playing trivial pursuit, others of us were just talking and laughing.

The discussion turned to the new year and to the old one. Some of us saw MTV's top 9 in 09 on TV, and we were very struck by the people on the list. It's very telling.

Did you know that Miley Cyrus cancelled her twitter account? Do you care? I know, I don't. But what did strike me was that so many people did. Enough to make the list at number 9. That boggled my mind. That some are that invested in the minute details of someone's life. Someone's young life that involves a liking for corn dogs, and dying her hair. Captivating stuff, no?

That wasn't the only thing that made our heads spin. Sacha Baron Cohen aka Ali G. aka Brüno, who was a presenter for the MTV Movie Awards, dressed like an angel with butt out, flew all over and landed butt to face on Eminem. It was staged, but Eminem played his outraged part enough to capture everyone's attention at number 8. What a brilliant way to get back into the public eye after being away from it for a while.

Lady Gaga made it at number 7. Nuff said. New Moon continued the Twilight saga with the very timely questions about its stars' (Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson) possible relationship off stage. Anything to fuel the fires of the Twilight craze that has infected so many. Cha ching baby.

Tiger Woods made it at number 6 with his intensely personal problems. Seriously people? Butt out. Sorry Brüno, nothing to do with your fashion sense.

Then we have number four -President Obama. Number four? Nothing against the talented and business savvy people on this list thus far, but they are not even in his league. He represents a history. He represents future hope and possibility. He represents progress. But this is the MTV list, and well, we must always consider the source. This sparked much discussion in our group. Who would come after him? Who could possibly top Obama?

Well here is your answer. Kanye West came in at number 3 with his classless interruption of Taylor Swift's acceptance of an MTV Music Award to loudly and rudely state that Beyonce had one of the best videos of all time. He topped Obama. So did Chris Brown's assault on Rihanna at number two.

Two people, not at their finest hours topped an icon.

Hmm.

Number one went to Michael Jackson, whom I adore and would put on any number one list; but I remember not so long ago, he was a pariah. People and the media did not have good things to say about him. He was guilty whether proven or not. I had gotten into several arguments in the past, with people who had very nasty things to say about him. He died, tragically too soon, and unnecessarily. That affected a lot of us, but the least the media could do was acknowledge their change in tune.

Discussion veered to the internet and people's obsession with it. Some had a very negative perspective on social networking via the net, others see it as a way to make connections. Certainly one must be cautious in what personal information one divulges because we never really know who's reading. But there is risk in every human interaction. Hearts can be broken. Ideas can be stolen. Feelings can be bruised. Reputations can be ruined. But to operate from a negative perspective solves nothing; it does shrink one's world and outlook, however.

I prefer the horizon of human experience. Armed with common sense, and humor, one can navigate past the ridiculous and find the sublime.

Yeah. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. :)