Manifesto of Change

Here's the thing. I can write about my problems until my fingers fall off; it's therapeutic. However, I don't want to get stuck chasing my own tail of issues. To the outsider, I might be bitching too much, or focusing on my losses too much, or stuck in a holding pattern of regret.

Regret is a waste of time.

Things change even in infinitesimal amounts. This weekend my almost 20 year old indoor cat decided he had enough, taking off to explore the world as his last hoorah.  He's been out before, but never for four days; and I am left to struggle between sadness and hope. Sadness because I didn't get the chance to say goodbye, and hope because I know the courage his little soul has in taking on the world at his age. He has become my new hero who has delivered a powerful message to me. It's time for me to do the same.

I have decided to sell my house.

It's time to acknowledge that the reasons for buying a house have been miscalculated. I felt that in a house I would feel more of a sense of community, but I have not done so in either houses I have owned. Neighbours in reality, I have discovered, bear no resemblance to neighbours in the media. Sure, there are the waves and quick hellos as I walk to my car or water my garden or shovel the insane amounts of snow that fall, but there have been no block parties, or casserole dishes or friendly cups of tea. In a house, as in an apartment, I have been left pretty much to my own devices.

In a big city, everyone tends to their own, and good luck to you if you don't have a family or a group of friends that you've grown up with. You have to struggle to make and keep connections, otherwise you're a floating buoy in a sea of nuclear families and couplings. I thought purchasing a house would have given me a sense of belonging, instead, it's given me bills, and chores and headaches.

So it's time to call it a failed experiment and go back to compartmentalized living. I need an open concept unit with windows, in an area that's mixed residential and commercial. I want to be able to walk around, window shop, go for a coffee, get to know my neighbourhood. I need to be in a environment that's not solely occupied by families, couples and retirees. I'm looking for the right lifestyle, not just a place to live. I'll leave the gardening, snow shoveling and remodeling to those who love it.

It's time.

It's time to focus on the things I love like painting, jewelry-making, writing, dancing and photography.  It's time to look forward not backwards. It's time to heal from past wrongs, mistakes and abuses. It's time for my manifesto of change. Rather than go home to read or watch TV or putter around, I am putting together an interesting cocktail of classes for me to take during week nights. It's time to learn more about and participate in the things I have always wanted to do. It's time to act rather than wish things would change in my life. Now that I understand why I'm so screwed up, it's time to get over it, and just live the best life I can in a new environment with renewed interest.

It's time to follow in my beloved cat's footsteps. Meow.

~~~~~~~~~~

As I browsed through my favorite bloggers, I found that, yet again, Jamie Ridler has worked her magic. 

In her Wishcasting Wednesdays Jamie asks, "What do you wish to transform?"

 And there it is, perfectly aligned with my post. 

I wish to transform my life. 

Please join the Wishcasters as we weave some dreams into reality.

Tis the Season

I was listening to the radio, switching in and out of attention on the babble the goes on between songs, when I was struck by the following report: They asked the Santa Clauses to stop ringing their bells downtown because it  was irritating pedestrians.

Really? That's what irritates people? Christmas bells? Not mufflers? Or car horns? Or bus brakes? Or the stench of exhaust pipes? Or the exorbitant holiday "sales"? Or the line ups? Or people bitching about the weather and pretty season sounds?

What's next?

Christmas lights? They hurt the eyes you know if you stare at them too long. Or children's voices? They can be high-pitched when they're excited or laughing. Heaven forbid their joy and the beauty of the season interfere with people's cell phone conversations or shopping frenzy of consumer gluttony.

I'm weird. The thing I look forward to most is the get-togethers filled with holiday cheer and seasonal good will, the Christmas songs, the winter drab being taken over with lights and bells and tinsel, the children buzzing with anticipation. I love the smells of baking and specialty coffee and snow in the air.

What happened to Joy? Peace on Earth? Good will toward all? Including the silenced Santas.

Today, Jamie Ridler's Wishcasting prompt is: "What do you wish to transform?"

I wish to take the Grinch and Master card out of Christmas and transform it back to the magical, loving, sharing, joyous season it should be.

A Time for Change...

Hello Everyone!

During my long absence from my personal blogging, I have been thinking about what direction I want to take. I love this blog and what I have achieved with it, it's time for some change. That doesn't mean I will be deleting or stop using this blog; but it will organically transmute into what it wants to be. When I figure it out...

For the time being, I have decided to focus my attention on the one thing that has been preoccupying my days, and thoughts and energy - school or scruel as I have begun to call it.

As some of you might know... I have been working on a book deconstructing the whole education system, and with that goal in mind, I have created a new blog.

I would love for you to join me and I am looking forward to your insights, experiences and reactions!

So without further ado, I present you:

The Scruel Chronicles

Where is the Love?

One of the conscious changes I have decided to make is to have a more positive outlook on things and people that affect me on a daily basis. It might not change the way things are; but at the very least, it will change how I look at things, and how I react to them.

This is a lifelong habit that I have cultivated; so I have to be conscious of it, and make a focused effort to eliminate. It ain't easy. I find that I put myself in check so many times a day. Over the simplest things.

"Why all this stupid traffic? This is irritating." Check. Readjust. "I can't clear the traffic; but I love the song playing on the radio." I arrive singing, not peevish and irritated. A minor victory. :)

There's another thing I noticed in the process. I am not alone in the mire of negativity. It pops and crackles all around me. I see it in my students as they are embroiled in the mire of self-deprecation or criticism of each other. It can get nasty. I see it in my colleagues who are just as dissatisfied with our working environment as I am. Nothing seems to work right.

But in focusing on what goes wrong, what is wrong, we perpetuate it. We make it bigger than it is. We make it overwhelming.

On the other hand, if we focus on the positive, no matter how minor it seems, we perpetuate that. It becomes bigger. It glows. It overshadows the negative.

I smile at a student in the hallway. "Nice hat!" I say. The student smiles and takes it off. Further down the hallway, another teacher is yelling at a student for not taking off his hat. They get into a confrontation. It's a shit-storm. Over a hat.

It's all in the approach.

I was waiting in line to pay a traffic ticket. A long, messy, disgruntled line. I watched as person after person took their frustration out on the clerk. The interactions were like car wrecks. One after the other. The clerk's face became angrier and meaner, with every person in front of me. My turn approached. I was not happy standing in line, nor in the prospect of the waiting ahead of me. It was one of many lines that I would have to go in... I smiled at the clerk. I said, "Good afternoon." The turbulence cleared on her face and she smiled back.

Now, I would like to say that because of my smile I got my ticket paid off faster. That isn't the case. It turned out that while the office is open until 4:30 pm, you effectively waste your time going there unless you have secured an "audience" with the prosecutor before 12:30. The clerk did go out of her way to give me some valuable pointers, pointers she would have not shared had I been one of the clan of Crustoids that preceded me, and no doubt would follow.

I left the place without having achieved anything, but at least I left with my blood pressure in tact, a smile on my face, and the sunshine to accompany me home.

And in the end, isn't that all that matters?