Full Course Meal

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The above painting in PS was inspired by a poem I wrote the other day while sitting in a coffee shop, and letting myself decompress from stress. It's so nice to be able to just sit and let your thoughts wander, not worried about the time or being anywhere but in that moment. Such focus can bring about revelations that have been waiting in the wings for so long.

Thoughts drift up
like feathers dipped
in memories
and scented dreams
our life it seems
is destined to
change in its hue
to something new
transformed
by tears
enmeshed with time
and seeking fly
united by
a dream
a chance
a furtive glance
just to let go
and go beyond

thoughts travel
very far
beyond the stars
and memories
that carry on
long after chorus of
sweet song
Up they lift
a dented heart
and buoy it far
above the noise
the broken toys
and into joy
like summer breeze
in winter's cloak
whispered love
and gentle stroke
into the arms
awaiting me
in thoughts
in dreams
make clear the blur
of every day
the thoughts that play
a melody
of him and me
of us and we
drift up
to see
the light.

I have been steadily trying to get to that place where all my parts are in sync and functioning as a whole. Mind, body, heart, spirit. The tug of war can be tiring and disconcerting. Focusing in the moment, on every minuscule detail helps. I noticed the pattern the sunlight made on the table. The shadows and pools. I noticed the way the coffee tasted in my mouth, the various flavors that subtly resided in the cup. I noticed the way my spine started to relax and my mind floated along with the pen in my hand. I noticed how the pen felt as I wrote. I noticed each word.

And suddenly, I felt everything melt away. It was not a struggle at all. The struggle has been coming from within me. Suddenly, it all seemed so ridiculous and unnecessary. The confusion, the pain, the worry, seemed so very unreal.

March Break has been just what the doctor ordered so far. I have been reading, catching up with friends and getting out. It's been sunny every day and that helps greatly. I have given myself the time and permission to explore my choices, to assess my strengths and needs. Unhurried and unpressured.

Today, I will be going up to Aurora to work with a friend and co-writer on the books we were commissioned to write. They are not my dream books, but I will make them as dreamy and fun as possible. For one, it will bring in some cash, and for another, it will bring other opportunities.

You see, one of my major dilemmas has been what to do with my writing talent. I have written two novels, but they are not representative of me and who I am. So I let them languish. There are other ideas floating around in my head, but the novel that will truly capture my attention is still waiting in the shadows.

The book that keeps coming back to me is one based on my experience in the chatting world. I spent about five years involved in various chat forums, interviewing people, immersing myself in the "culture", seeing things from a different perspective. In many ways, the experience was enlightening. In others traumatic. I believe I have had enough time and distance from it to be able to write this story. But would anyone be interested in reading it?

I mulled and mused and pondered.

Then, came in the light...

Since I have the luxury these days of going to everyone's blogs and reading everyone else's stories, I came upon this post by Lissa. This particular phrase lit a series of fireworks in my head, "I place my order and send it off to the universe" Aha! Right? It's as simple as that!

I realized that I have been sitting throughout my life with a huge menu in front of me, unable to choose. Unable to sit down and clearly order my meal. Oh, I have made wishes, and intentions, and visualizations. But I had not put in my order!

Sheesh. No wonder I have been so starved!

Well guess what I am doing now? And this goes beautifully with Jamie Ridler's Wishcasting Wednesday! She asks us, "What do you wish to say YES! to?"

Yes! I am placing my order for a full course meal and I am sending it off to the Universe.

Today, I pick from the menu:

• For an appetizer, I would like an order of renewed and solid sense of self, with all my parts united to make a well-oiled, healthy organic goddess.

• For the main course, I would like a career in creative writing/arts that brings in considerable revenue with a huge helping of satisfaction, and a side order of success.

• Accompanying it, I would like a tall glass of community and sharing, bubbling with laughter and enjoyment of every single moment.

• For desert, I would like my soul companion to share a home and a life with, topped with travel, exploration and fun!

• To crown the order, I would like a steaming mug of family and friends that will quench my heart's longing.

Yum!

What would your order be? :)

Dream a Little Dream

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First of all I would like to extend a big Thank YOU to Jamie for keeping the dream alive with the monthly Full Moon Dreamboards!

This month Jamie asks, "What if this spring, we softened? What if we let what's within find its way to the surface? What tender dreams would be revealed? "

My immediate response was to paint the above image in PS. In wind, in air, swinging in glee under the loving gaze of the moon. She smiles, she lets go of all care. Can you hear her gleeful giggles? Her joyful abandon of all preconceptions, as she lets the moon guide her? In instinct, in creativity, in power.

As the spring soil stirs with new life,
so I would like to be reborn.
As the day lightens and opens to new possibility,
so I would like to awaken.
As the air quickens with fresh breezes carrying long forgotten dreams,
so I would like to feel.
To feel
To awaken
To be
To be
free of all that tethered me
down
as I rise
UP
to meet life
and all its treasures.

I invoke the beautiful moon's energy to stir sweet life in all of us.

Blessed be :)

Garnet Moon

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Before I say a single word about anything, I would like to once again say THANK Y♥U to each and every one of you! Thank you for coming to my humble blog. Thank you for leaving your comments of encouragement, support, praise, advice, perspective. Thank you for sharing your stories; thank you for showing me I am not alone. It makes me happy that I know you are somewhere in this world, making it a better place.

Tonight is a FULL Moon! If you can, you must go out there and bathe in her splendor. I must be part wolf, because the moon has always been my guiding light and haven. She is so serene, so purely sculpted, and even if defiled by astronauts and their toys, she has retained her beautiful dignity.

The magical Jamie, our fountain of inspiration, is now hosting the Full Moon >Dream Board!

I decided to combine two of my inspirations into one.

I am also participating in Jamie's book club -12 Secrets of Creative Women- (see left sidebar). As part of this amazing circle, Jamie is interviewing 12 inspirationally creative women, the first of whom is Jennifer Lee. You really must listen to the interview yourself! Just follow the links :)

Ms. Lee talks about acknowledging her inner Muse's voice. While I was listening to her interview and, before that, reading her blog, I thought, "I have acknowledged my guide; it's time to acknowledge my muse."

So here she is: Garnet Goddess, featured in this month's dream board above.

The garnet is one of my favorite stones which coincidentally is my birth stone. It contains the richness and headiness of wine, the life force of blood, and the dulcet tones of passion. This fully describes my muse because she is fearless. She is confident. She is fiery. I am happy she is in my life.

I painted her using PS and a mouse as per usual. I added a couple of pieces of stunning garnet jewelry to adorn her, and gave her a back drop of Garnet Brocade flowers. I really enjoyed making this piece. It was a wonderful way to focus, meditate and create. Thank you again Ms. Lee for the sparkling inspiration!

For the Dream Board, I added my wish to the moon. Unconditionally. That is how I want to be. :)

On that note, I am happy to announce I made my decision. It came loudly and clearly. I will take the position of Curriculum Leader for one more year. I need to finish what I started and see it to its completion. Then, I can step away, knowing I have done everything I need to do in restoring order to a department that desperately needs it. Then, it will be off to whatever new challenge comes my way. :)

Speaking of challenges, I was so intrigued to find so many voices joining mine in their childhood experiences with art. I am currently working through all the wonderful blogs on my roll and on the rolls of 12 Secrets and Creative Every Day where I am finding such synchronicity, it sometimes brings tears to my eyes.

One of my new blog friends, Steve Emery made a very insightful comment (among so many) in yesterday's post that left me thinking. He said, "Oh - and as for the discouragement of teachers. Sigh. Sometimes it makes me angry. Other times sad. And yet other times I wonder if it's like the soil a seedling has to push through - it's tough, not everything or everyone makes it through, but when you do, you are firmly rooted in it - almost like the criticism makes you stronger, more determined, more yourself."

So TRUE! Their criticism did egg me on to prove them wrong because I am a stubborn wench, and I cannot abide by others putting me or anyone else into a box, into a category, into the corner. So I must take a moment to thank Steve for pointing that out, and to thank all the naysayers in my life, because without them, in part, I would not be who I am today. My roots would not have been quite so sturdy and my quest for the light would not have been quite so determined!

May you each find the strength to bust through the confines of others' judgement, find your inner muses, and sing in the moon's lovely light! And sing it loudly and unconditionally! :)

Blessed be :)

The Tribe Has Spoken

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I had every intention of blogging yesterday, and reading everyone's blogs. Alas... I had a PILE of work to catch up on and I worked steadily 'til I threw my weary body into bed.

Also, I got a particularly insidious email from a colleague yesterday... It threw me for a loop because I had no idea where this woman was coming from! It's someone I used to associate with a few years ago, but whose drinking problem, and the fact that she can be mean when drunk, made me distance myself. We hadn't hung out or even talked on the phone for almost two years. The problem is, I work with the woman so I must stay civil. After almost two years, she sends me an email asking me if I am "pissed" with her, and that she misses our "friendship" and to be "honest" with her. Unholy ambush from hell! I am certainly not going to be honest with her; that would be shattering. I had no idea what to reply, so I didn't. Guess who I have to have a little chat with today? Universe, please give me strength! If you have any helpful comments or suggestions, I welcome them!

Anyway...

Can you say groggy? I was spoiled these past two weeks, and it has been made sharply obvious how much I L♥VE having complete control of my time. I really need to become financially independent to allow me to work half-time. It's been a relaxing two weeks. I will try to make that last as long as I can. Is it 3:15 yet? :)

As a way not to lose my mind completely yesterday, I made the above manifestation collage for 2009. I had to have some time to PL☻Y too! I need every positive reinforcement I can get, as I am going back into the pit of negativity and stress today. Wish I could just beam myself into my class and beam myself out of there when I am done teaching. :)

And so...

The Tribe has spoken! A M♦C laptop it is! Okay, now to find the most economical way of purchasing one and getting as many programs on it as I can. Any suggestions?

I want to close my brief morning post by saying THANK Y♥U for all your amazingly supportive, encouraging and helpful comments. I wish I could fill the whole world with you all. I wish I could fill my job with you all :)

I will be chanting all day EMBRACE JOYOUS MAGIC in my head.

Please wish me L♣CK! I will post an update later... :)

And here is the update:

I acted on my need to distance myself from the extreme noise and negativity today, and I stayed in my classroom during lunch, catching up on the copious amount of work I have. I ate my lunch there.

And
it
was
bliss.

A peaceful bubble of delicious
peace
and
quiet.

I will be doing that again! When I popped into the office to get and heat up my lunch (leftover mango curry chicken! and a clementine) I heard. "So what did you get for Christmas? (not even a pause). I got a guitar, and a necklace, and..." I tuned out. I went back to my blissful room.

But... the bliss was challenged.

After lunch was my prep period, and guess who I share it with?

Mhm. You guessed it. Little Miss Ray of Sunshine.

I decided I wasn't going to get into it today, if ever. That is what my higher self told me to do. Ignore the ramblings of a self-absorbed mad woman.

I got on the computer to finish my copious amounts of work for my classes and for the department...

It began.

"Did you get my email?"

Oh sweet chili pepper poultice on my butt... I lied. I am not proud, but I did. "Nope. What's up."
( I actually wanted to see how she would verbalize the issue.)

"I just feel that you were pissed at me before the break."

"Why do you think I was pissed?"

"Well, I don't know why you were pissed, but you were distant before the break and it happened again last year before Christmas." (Okay now distant = pissed: duly noted)

"Well, first of all I was not pissed. How I was feeling had nothing to do with you. Perhaps you might remember that I lost my mother just before last Christmas and my father this past August. It tends to put a damper on the festive spirit. (Subtext: it ain't always about you.)"

"Oh. Well, I thought that..." Silence. Cue the tears. D.r.a.m.a. Sorry not playing.

"Anyway, now you know. There are things in my life, that have nothing to do with you or anyone in my place of employment. I'm glad we clarified this issue, now if you will excuse me, I really need to get this done."

For those of you who don't know me, I may sound like a cold bitch, but I put my time in that relationship, only to be abused time and again. Crocodile tears do not affect me. In the past, I would be stumbling all over myself to make her feel better, when really I was the injured party. I have changed, and for that I am proud. I controlled my anger at being ambushed like that, and I let it go, but I was not going to play the game. I'm done with games. You cannot force people to like you, or to hang out with you, not by bribing them, not through coercion, not using guilt.

And that's okay. :)

Surprisingly my bliss was not shattered. I went for a coffee with another colleague of mine and we chatted for a bit, then I had my last class. (Did I mention I love my classes and my students, with all their flaws and magnificence?)

And at the end of the day. For a change. I was not a ball of tension. I did what I had to do and I got the hell out of Dodge. :)

I hope your day had some bliss in it! :)

Blessed be! :)

Out with the Old - In with the New

On this the last day of 2008, I find myself deep in thought. I will make this next year count. I will make every day, every moment count. I will be all that I can be, in every way.

But first I need to clear out some old garbage. I am going to put it all on a piece of paper and burn it away.
These are the things that need to go.

• Allowing defeatism and negativity into my realm
• Looking in the mirror and seeing only faults
• Retreating into my own world
• Letting my losses and pain define me
• Self-criticism
• Allowing others' perspective define my parameters
• Isolation
• Not following my instincts, my spirit guide's whispers
• Feeling I am unworthy of happiness
• Procrastination
• Allowing people's judgement to affect the way I feel about myself
• Accepting criticism without considering the source

Goodbye evil-doers. Be gone! And if you don't like it, I don't care. Shoo!



This is what I want to bring into my life in 2009.

Embrace Joyous Magic

I have been pondering and pondering about the word. Back and forth my head went with possibilities. Until I shut it out and listened to the voice whispering in my heart. Magic. Magic. Magic. Joy. Joy. Joy. Embrace. Embrace. Embrace. Whose rule is it to have only one word anyway? And why would I follow it? Three will do just fine. :)

So...

Step one: Listen to my voice. It's authentic. It's not some demon possession. It's not a sign of insanity. It's MY voice that has been silenced for too long. I have finally allowed myself to vocalize my mind, now it's time to vocalize my heart. I shut it away for far too long for fear it might be damaged yet again. To hell with it. Death by atrophy is worse than death by fire. Speak my heart. Speak.

Step Two: Don't let those mofos get me down. No longer will I allow others' judgement of me (and there is plenty of judgement) affect the way I feel about myself. If you have ever felt different from the status quo you will know what I mean. Those looks up and down. The raised eyebrows. The expression on the face like a whole lemon was ingested from the wrong orifice. They can all stuff themselves. They can consume their own negativity and judgement. I don't own it and I don't want it. I am marvelous. Yes. I am. I am. (Okay, I will believe this soon :>)

Step Three: Follow my own freaking advice. Yep, little miss Got-All-the-Answers, that's me. Now, it's time to stop coaching and start playing. PLAYING! Having fun. Doing the things I want to do and stop with the can't, the later, the no-money, the tired crap.

Step Four: Embrace the Magic and Joy: You hear me? EMBRACE it! Don't question, dissect, deconstruct, defer. Embrace! Open those arms up and that heart up and let the magic and joy IN! It's been starving at my heart's doorstep for far too long. I would never treat any other guest in that abhorrent manner. Come in! Come in! :)

May 2009 bring you all health, wealth, opportunities, magic, and love. :)

You are all beautiful inside and out! :)

2009 Meme

Danette over at the Drawing Board has come up with a New Year's Challenge to create a 2009 meme mosaic and I did! Visit her blog for the full instructions and to take the challenge!

1. Rollercoaster, 2. Torridly Crystal Renn, 3. Flickr's Friendship around the world, 4. Manifestation Journal, 5. Balloon dream, 6. A Measure of Self Worth, 7. The Fiji Mermaid Theater, 8. Endless love, 9. Jump 7, 10. "La mia casa è il mare e con un fiume no, non la posso cambiare", 11. Tiger & Shadow, 12. dreams do come true

Here are the questions that inspired the images:

1. Looking back on 2008, what might the theme have been? Change.
A lot of things in my life shifted in 2008. My perspective, my place in the world, my goals. Some of these shifts were deeply painful. Others were deeply satisfying. The most significant change was brought about in my participation in Soul Coaching and coming into contact with the miraculous blogging community. You have changed my life.

2. If 2008 was a movie, who would play you? Crystal Renn. She is a gorgeous plus-size model.
I have been on the look-out for models who are not skin and bones. This particular one is so gorgeously voluptuous that I find myself wishing I had her body. One day. :) She graces my blog header right now, as a constant motivation for me, and has inspired some images in my Tarot.

3. What was your greatest gift of 2008? Friendship.
This is truly the most precious miracle in my life. My friends (which definitely includes all of YOU!) have given me so much love, support, advice, encouragement, inspiration, and wisdom. What greater gift is this?

4. What is your New Year Resolution, or, what are you committing to this year? Actualization.
The more I think about it, the more this word resonates with me for 2009. It is the act of making something real, giving something life, making dreams come true.

5. If January could be represented by one song, what would it be? Beautiful U R
This song has become one of my favorite. It reinforces the idea that beauty comes in many forms, shapes and sizes. This is a mantra I have to constantly repeat because I was always in danger of tumbling into despair because of the way I look. I will take Breedale's advice and say while believing that I AM beautiful and look the way I want to. :)

6. What do you wish for your body in 2009? Fitness.
See above :)

7. Name one new thing you would love to try in the New Year. New forms of art.
I want to get my hands and face and clothes and feet dirty. I want to dive elbow deep in watercolors and oils and scraps and gels this year.

8. What do you long for 2009 to bring? True Love.
Self-explanatory, no? :)

9. If that happened, how would you feel? Ecstatic!
How could I not be? :)

10. Where would you love to vacation in 2009 if money were no object? Tuscany & Florence.
I have always loved both places. I don't know why. It makes me go weak at the knees. :)

11. What would you like the theme of 2009 to be? Completeness.

12. If 2009 was a book, and the title was 5 words or less, what might the title be? Dreams Come True.

This was really fun to do, and I am really happy with the results. It wasn't easy, and needed a lot of reflection and fine-tuning, but well worth the time! Thank you Danette for suggesting it. :)