The Wrong Man

It's as simple as a choice, but any given choice can be monumental, no matter how simple or difficult. We make choices every day sometimes without even thinking about them because they have been so ingrained into our subconscious. They almost seem instinctive, but they're not. They're learned, like deciding which route to take home. What items to order from a take-out menu. Who we're attracted to.

We've all made choices that we question, in hindsight. The "if only I had" is probably one of the most common statements. There are many choices that I've made without knowing that they would turn out to be staggering turning points in my life. I've let opportunities go. I've taken wrong turns. I've chosen questionable paths. But, I can't be too hard on myself because I did the best I could do with the information, the perspective and the maturity I had at the time.

And I chose the wrong men. Almost like clockwork.

It would be easy to become bitter, saying all men are pigs; but that's just ignorant. There are many wonderful, courageous, intelligent, caring, loving, admirable men out there. I just didn't choose them. I fell into a pattern of destructive relationships.

Given that I was emotionally stunted, physically tortured and psychologically impaired early in my childhood, it makes absolute sense. I grew up without the invaluable education of getting to know the opposite sex. So, it's not surprising that mistrust and fear became ingrained in me. Experience became instinct; an instinct that has brought me to where I am today.

At 17, I started with a series of anguished crushes on men who neither had the knowledge nor the capacity to understand someone such as myself. They probably didn't know I existed while I went through into the nightmarish world of unrequited love- the kind of love that not only is the loneliest, but one that leaves the most emotional scars in a person already rife with them.

My first full fledged boyfriend, at the age of 20 seemed to start with promise. I met him at a bar, and fell in love with him because he asked to brush my hair. How was I to know that this unbelievably romantic beginning would end in disaster a year later? It turned out that this sweet gentle man, chosen because he was so unlike the abusive role models I grew up with, would eventually cheat on me, get another woman pregnant and marry her, all while still carrying on a relationship with me.

That was not an auspicious beginning. It was followed by a string of misses until I met the man I was to eventually marry 3 years later. After his divorce at the age of 27, he came to stay with his mom who lived in my apartment building. I noticed him because he would start coming out to the terrace where I hung out with my coffee and crossword puzzles. He was a gentle, funny and loving guy. How was I to know that he also  was a dead beat dad with a drug problem? I found that out after we got married.

In the four years we were together, our relationship became a project for me. In the beginning, I got him to pay his ex-wife child support, to go back to school and get a better paying job. I cleaned up his look. I reinvented the man. I was so proud of him, until I noticed he spent hours in the bathroom, could not sustain an erection and was acting very erratically. Three years into our marriage, I stopped sharing his bed, stopped being his partner, and became his therapist. By the fourth year, I gave up trying and got out to save myself.

I was 27, bruised by two shatteringly disappointing relationships, and clueless as to what went wrong. I needed to rally myself and find a way to navigate life and romance. That's when I discovered the treacherous world of online and embarked into an even more destructive set of relationships.

But that's a story for another day.

Today, I'm wiser. I understand what went wrong, but I'm still struggling with the aftereffects. If I'm ever to have a healthy, fulfilling relationship with a man, I need to navigate into safer emotional waters. I need to identify the trigger within myself, all the barriers I have put up, and finally be free.

The Factor of Zero

The journey toward change and understanding has two legs: reflection and action. These two must go hand in hand in order to achieve anything successfully. One without the other would cause an imbalance that would topple the blocks and make us start all over again. Without reflection, there's impulsive action; without action, there's endless reflection. As I reflect here, I act out there. My thoughts have become the blueprint of my decision to change my life into something more meaningful, productive and fun.

To that end, I need to make the following disclaimer. This is really a communication with myself, a communication I'm making public in the hopes that it might help anyone else in some small way. It's also a way of keeping myself honest - when I hit "publish", I'm committing to my words. In order to reach this point in my process, I have had to overcome the fear of being scorned, or judged, or pitied because of what I am publishing here. It's of vital importance I do not censor the feelings, thoughts and words that need to come out for fear of public scrutiny. I know it comes with the territory and I'm good with it.

I have noticed what I like to call the factor of zero come into play in my life quite often. It's the nadir to the zenith, the low to the high, the exhale to the inhale. My life all but empties out of people. It's as if it's multiplied by zero; and we know anything that's multiplied by zero equals zero. For whatever reason, whether by decision or circumstance, I lose people. They never call again; they move on with their lives, without me.

I tried to stay in touch often realizing that I'm the only one putting in the effort. One sided relationships never work, so I gave up, doing what I have been trained to do - blame and berate myself. I would ponder, some say obsess, about the reasons why this happened, what I did wrong, why I am so cursed, or boring or unlovable. I felt like a deflated tire tossed in the landfill of life.

How freaking dramatic, right?

On the opposite side of the coin, I have had to make the difficult decision of cutting off some people out of my life. This is no judgement on them; sometimes in relationships there's a chemical imbalance, the explosion of vinegar and baking soda. We're just not good for each other. These decisions have been difficult indeed because they often happen during the zero factor phases in my life. This is made doubly difficult by the looming threat of aloneness. I don't say loneliness because I am comfortable in my own company; and I can amuse myself; but I would be lying if I said I don't need people. Quite the opposite is true. I need a consistent tribe in my life.

The question remains, what factors need to come into play so that I can achieve this? How can I eliminate the factor of zero once and for all? This is where action will come into play.

Cave Girl

This morning I woke up looking like a Kiss extra. I really should remember to wash my eye make-up off before bed, but sometimes shit happens. Besides, it was good for a morning laugh. It's funny brushing Tommy Thayer's teeth in the mirror.

Now back as myself, gulping morning coffee and pondering on my plans, I am stuck with how many times I have had to reinvent myself. When I went to Greece at age 16, my life had changed drastically. I left the cloistered environment of my restricted adolescence to enter a world filled with fascinating people from all over the world, rife with ideas and enthusiasm, filled with the pit falls of social interactions.

You would think that I would have fallen flat on my face, given the sorry state of my social prowess, and my zero understanding of the male species, other than men who can take the form of a benevolent dictators or preying abusers. Quite the reverse is true. I thrived. For the first time, I had the freedom to be, even though I did not have the slightest clue as to who I was. The truth is I was 16 frozen at 10. Stuck somewhere between the age I was a relatively normal girl to when the darkness swallowed me.

They call it sunny Greece for a reason. I went from a very proper, slightly robotic life to one bursting with the sticky, sweet juice of living. There was noise everywhere. Everyone talked at the same time, with the the same gusto that they laughed, ate, argued and loved. I felt like the cave girl discovered under layers of ice, perfectly preserved and frozen in time. I thawed a little bit more each day, as I became conscious of the world around me once again. I also became painfully aware of myself and the fact that somehow I was very different from everyone else.

Yet, I was deliriously happy and empowered for the first time in 6 years. This set a pattern for me, a pattern I only just recently realized: I am most happy around creative, thinking individuals. I love the chaos of discovery much more than the stability of knowing. I dive into new ideas as if my soul is parched for them. I swim in pools of color and textures. I don't like to lounge in the sun of complacency. I need movement.

Over the years, I have often felt the need to change things up. to experience a different perspective. If I stay stagnant too long, I start to wither. And this is precisely why I have decided it's time to make another step in my life. I need to be around creative people in environments that breed discussion and ideas not conformity and routine. In other words, it's time to stop living a life I think I should be living while yearning for a life I love, and start living the life I love.

Emergence

To the outside observer, my process of healing probably seems like a bipolar ride in a dysfunctional theme park. It ain't no piece of cake being on it either. There are days when I'm coasting high, scattering rose buds on the road toward a brighter future, and others where I feel like I've been fitted with the cement shoes of my past. And I'm sinking in futility.

This is made doubly hard by my propensity to sabotage myself, an activity ingrained in me by years of being constantly and relentlessly criticized. Somewhere inside me, there's a girl cowering in her room praying that her exacting father will finally realize that she isn't perfect. She is fiercely, and often, obnoxiously defended by the warrior woman I've created to shield her from the seemingly endless barrage of fate's stumbling blocks.

Am I just another case of a bipolar in a dissociative state? Or am I just trying to survive the challenges this life has posed me? 

As I sit in my fun room, listening to a bird sing through my open window, seeing the first awakening from the thaw, sipping my morning coffee, I make plans in my head.  Maybe it's time to stop wishing that things were different, that my life hadn't been hijacked onto this collapsing trajectory, and actually take steps to change things. There's no magic formula to happiness. Happiness is or it isn't.

I have been making visualization sketches about the things that I have the ability to change, like where and how I live my life. Then as my pencil poised for another sketch of my optimal loft space, I started to create this...

I called this sketch "emergence". It wants to evolve into a painting that will serve not only as an inspiration but as a driving force for me to get off the bipolar express, and begin becoming functional again.

Reject Rejection

(click to enlarge)

I painted the above in PS to go with the Leah's theme in CED Challenge. Several layers went into this, as I was working to create a nebulous textured look. Like my dreams.

I have been working with my dreams the past few days. I am still having trouble remembering them. I was starting to worry, and then I let go. Because really? I will remember a dream when I need to. Obviously right now, I don't. It doesn't help that I have a 12 pound furball meowing me awake every morning! :)

But.

I will not allow this to become a roadblock or another cause for failure. Which brings me to my other online endeavour...

We are in week 9, of the wonderful Jamie's 12 Secrets Book Club, and the topic in this chapter is Roadblocks and Rejection.

Yuck!

Very few of us have not experienced these. The very frustrating "Do not pass Go. Do not collect 200 dollars." Pooh.

Rather than deal ad nauseum about my many, many, many (did I mention many?) roadblocks and rejections, I think it might be helpful for myself and anyone reading to discuss dealing with them. Here are some of my strategies.

The Cocoon and Wallow

This is where we curl up into a ball, preferably with a blanket, a box of tissues, and ice cream. We go over and over this latest stumbling block or heartbreaking devastation, crying and numbing our insides with the cool stuff. Soap operas may or may not be involved.

This might be okay for a short period. It's a time to regenerate and restore. But if it's prolonged, then it becomes this self-fulfilling prophecy of doom. Statements like "I will never make it"; "I suck"; "No one wants what I have to offer" start to play like broken records in our heads. The creepy gremlins have a street party in honor of our demise. This is when it's time to let go of the self-pity, and kick some butt.

The Theseus Method

This is where we arm ourselves with self-confidence and will power, and circumvent the maze of roadblocks in search of the Minotaur. You know the beast. It's the one that whispers words of discouragement and defeat. Roaring with laughter at us and our pathetic misery. Two swift maneuvers of our trusty sword, and we have defeated that form of rejection.

Rejection, I have found, after MUCH experience has nothing to do with me or whatever it is I am offering, but in the inability of the person doing the rejecting to see my Fabulousness. It's all them and not me. I have learned not to take rejection as a label of my worth. After all, why give the other person all this power to determine how worthy or talented we are? Who are they to judge? Reduce them to what they are - incidental minotaurs on our route to fulfillment. I take the helpful constructive criticism and use it as a self-help tool. I take anything unproductive out and burn it.

The Odysseus Method

This is where roadblocks and obstacles have lead us hopelessly off track until we are totally off course. There are one-eyed monsters to slay, sirens to avoid, hags to outsmart, and men to turn out of pigs. We get tired and want to give up, for the end does not seem to be anywhere in sight. We seek out to cocoon and wallow.

However.

Roadblocks are just the Universe's way of diverting our route to a better direction. Through roadblocks we discover scenery we would not have seen had we stayed on course; we experience things and events and people we would not have encountered had we not been diverted. Roadblocks are just detours which are the most primal forms of adventure and exploration. Just ask Odysseus.

The Little Train Method

This is where no matter how many odds are against us, no matter whether anyone else believes us or in us or not, no matter what the obstacles inside and out, we just blow the crap out of our own horns. We chug, chug, chug and whistle "I think I can. I think I can. I know I can!"

The fact remains, this is the one method we all rely on whether we know it or not. If we did not love what we do; if we did not believe in ourselves despite the minotaurs and the gremlins, we would lie down somewhere and whisper "give." Yet. We pick ourselves up. We dust ourselves off. We pick up our brushes, our pens, our needles, our oven mitts. We send our kids off to school and smile at our neighbors, and take out the trash. We put away the blanket and the ice cream, and take our faithful companions out for a walk.

The Genie Sea Method

Or.

"Screw you! I know my worth." and smile method.

If we can't dropkick a roadblock, we can go around it. Even the Great Wall of China has a beginning and an end to it. There really is no such thing as impossible. I knew that when I saw one of my good friends levitate off the ground when I was 18, and under no drug or alcohol influence. If you are a novelist, you will publish if that is what you truly want. If you are an artist, you will sell and display your art, if that is what you truly want.

If that is what you truly want.

Reject Rejection.

Blessed be :)

Serenity Revisited

Good morning beautiful people!

I would like to start this day by saying Thank YOU! I don't know how you do it, but you have woven a magic carpet and allow me to ride it daily. Your words, your comments, your selves boost me UP, and I am so grateful. :)

My wish is coming true.

Yesterday, I was firmly inside my bubble of serenity, undisturbed. I floated through the day in bliss.

I printed out the directives that I had put together yesterday morning (3:30 am) for the department, (three pages) in preparation for the meeting. I photocopied them and placed them in their mailboxes. I even showed it to the Vice Principal in charge, and the Principal to make sure I didn't have anything over the top on there, and they want to use it as a template for other departments!

I took something that was frustrating me, and I turned it around. If I don't make a change, then I am doing everything for nothing. The department needs organization desperately, and that is exactly what I am doing. Even if I decide not to do this again, I will have achieved my goals.

I painted the above in photoshop as a celebration. That is how I was feeling yesterday. Floating.
It's challenging indeed "painting" with a mouse, but you know I love a challenge. *wink*

I also worked a little bit more on this landscape, and I believe now I am finished with it. :)

First stage:

(click on image to enlarge)

The clouds and water are mostly how I wanted them to be, but the mountain shapes and land mass lack definition.

Second stage:

(click on image to enlarge)

I made the mountains snowy and blue and added the fall trees on the edge of the lake. Better. I didn't know what to do with the brown goopy things behind them.

Final stage:

(click on image to enlarge)

I got rid of the goop, gave the mountains more definition and a darker color, added a few birds, and voila. Landscape Dream!

The next step in my creative endeavors is to combine the two skills I am acquiring in photoshop: digital collage, and painting. I am excited to see what I can come up with!

It has been such a blessing being part of this blogging community. I might sound like a broken record, but I cannot say it enough. I am challenged, inspired, supported, and nurtured daily by this Fountain of Love, this Tribe of Creativity, and I cannot get enough! :)

Thank you again!

Blessed be :)

Good Morning New Year!

(click on image for bigger view)

The sun is shining on a cold new day. It's 10:34 and not a creature is stirring, not even Stinky! Everyone is no doubt recuperating from last night's festivities. Not I. :)

I am up and about, with my first coffee of the year warming my hands and tummy. Yum! It's quiet and warm in my home. The furnace is buzzing economically, the sun is pouring in through the shades. My head is pleasantly fuzzy, awaiting the effects of the coffee.

Today is the first day of the rest of the year and I intend to make the best of it!

Starting with Creative Every Day Challenge.

This month's theme is "PLAY", and I am so playing. To start off my festivities I created a digital collage of all the art supplies I am planning on playing with! It's filling up my imagination like stars in my eyes. I am so excited to carry on with my crafty plans!

Step One: Make my now mostly unused dining room into a studio. This requires that I make a work/dining table that will allow me the space to create. I will also have to remove the low-hanging light fixture and replace it with pot lights. It also means replacing the two side tables I have stacked on top of each other and buy a sideboard/cupboard to house my personal and art supplies.

Step Two: Designing and making the table (yes myself if I have to!). I picture an unfinished wood table top, that is large enough to afford me room to play and to be used as a dining table that seats 6. It also needs to be able to slant at a 45° angle to make it easier to work. It needs to have a drip mote running around the table. I don't know what the technical term for it is, but it will catch any spills before they hit my floor. The legs need to have embedded wheels to allow smooth movement without killing my hardwood floor. The table will have drawers at three sides to allow for storage of small items and materials (stickers, beads, brushes, stones, trinkets, feathers, shells etc.)

Step Three: I found this perfect side board/cupboard at an antique store. I fell in love with it. It's four feet in height and pretty wide with lots of drawers and cupboard with doors in the center. It would be PERFECT! except it costs 1,200 smackeroos! I am going to go there tomorrow to see if I can do a lay-away plan. I simply must have it, if it's still there.

Step Four: Replacing the hanging light fixture with pot lights is not something I wish to try doing myself so I will see if I can engage someone to do it for me on a barter system. The dimming switch will allow me to create the ambiance I need. :)

Step Five: Getting rid of the furniture I have there now. That means selling or giving them away. I am cool with either one. Or even maybe trying an exchange. Everyone needs something and wants something gone. So who knows? I will need to replace the chairs, but I would be happy with getting mix and match chairs from antique places and making cushions for them.

Step Six: Gathering my materials. I have a lot of art/writing supplies squirreled away in many places, unused. It's time to take stock in what I have and what I will need. Once the furniture is in place, the materials can take their rightful places where they can be used!

Step Seven: Replacing my desktop computer that is now nine years old with a laptop. This will afford me the luxury of space and mobility. I can get rid of this desk and reclaim my living room as just that. :>

Quite ambitious, no? But I really want to actualize this vision because this space is the heart of my house and it's unused. How un-Feng Shui is that? Having a studio space will set the stage for what I have always yearned to do, and by George (who is this George anyway?) I will do it! If any of you have any suggestions, I would greatly welcome them!

What visions do you wish to bring to fruition in 2009 and how do you plan on doing it? :>

May play be part of your every day! :>

Cups and Balloons - Meanings

I have completed the Flames suit, and I am halfway through the final Crystal Suit. The momentum of creation has taken on a life of its own and is sweeping me along with it. Because of this, I need to pause and properly introduce the completed suits before I unveil the final two.

From the Balloon suit, I have not posted: (click on the images to see their actual size)





This card traditionally represents deep sorrow, and I have stayed true to the meaning by depicting the woman in an almost fetal position on the ground. The balloons are weighed down by a brick at her feet. It is within her power to set the balloons free by untying the brick and finding her bliss, as depicted by her spirit self jumping in glee.






This card is traditionally depicted as a knight lying down in a church. The card speaks of spiritual ease and a connection to the divine. The woman resting on a mattress buoyed by a large balloon and carried into the sky by three other balloons tied to her in the bed, is a card of deep peace and abandon. Let go, and let the universe take over.






This card traditionally speaks of defeat, and I have portrayed this with the woman holding on to balloons that the wind is threatening to carry away. One indeed has escaped her, and is floating away. The meaning is clear. It is within our grasp to accept what we can control and what we cannot.






I designed this card heavily influenced by numerology. This card is of spiritual awareness. In looking beyond the surface of things into the soul of the matter. This is why in the balloon are the images of devas, faint, but present. You can click on the image to make it larger to see the detail.






This card traditionally represents restriction, imprisonment, and deep emotional turmoil. I wanted to convey this in a gentler way, showing that there is always freedom waiting to lift us up out of the shadows.






I have depicted this card as a gentle reminder that no matter how constricted or hopeless a situation seems, there is always a way out (the window). Instead of being enslaved by swords, the woman in the card can easily use that which is causing her to much agony as a tool for liberation and growth.




This card is usually depicted as one of extreme sorrow, depression, and defeat. I seriously think that one who experiencing these does not need a card to remind him/her of it. I certainly recoil from the traditional depiction of the 10 of swords. It's simply yucky. Instead, I designed the card depicting a man scaling a skyscraper, a seemingly impossible task, but around him are his guides and helpers - the Balloons. :)




From the Cups suit, the following are the cards I have not yet posted: (feel free to click for larger images)



My interpretation is close to the traditional five of cups which depicts a person focusing on the two cups that are spilled without looking behind him to see that there are three full cups. I chose to make this my first "urban" depiction because it reminds me of my students who often do not realize that they have so much more to offer than they think. This card is about faith in one's self and in the Universe's limitless ability to provide us with exactly what we need. Ergo the word "believe" in graffiti on the wall and the happy face cup spray painted beneath it. :)




On this card, I have put the traditional symbols in a modern context. The empty beer/wine bottles and glasses illustrate depletion of resources and waste. The man is walking away, slightly defeated, but all he has to do is look up and see the wonderful vista before him :)







This is the card of fullness and commerce. I have given it a modern setting, and context of the street coffee vendor. A good cup of coffee is very satisfying, and the vendor certainly has a successful venture on his hands. It's a win-win situation! :)






This card is very similar in imagery with the traditional deck. It is a card of supreme happiness and love. The family, the ocean, the rainbow, the doves, the butterflies, the falling rose petals and coins, all symbolize abundance in every area of life.











And last but certainly not least, I present the King of Cups. The setting of this card, like for the Queen of Cups, is in the depths of the ocean. This King is a provider, someone who likes to make sure everyone is not lacking in anything. The epitome of generosity, he is the master of the depths of emotion, in tune with his and others' feelings and not afraid to express himself. An explorer of life, he is the life of the party, sometimes too much so, if you know what I mean :)








That's it for now! Stayed tuned for the grand unveiling of the Flames and Crystals. :)

Blessings to all of you :)

Bits and Pieces

As I slowly awaken from the holiday haze, I am marshaling my resources, focusing my energies to make my New Year's ceremony exactly right. I need to pick the word that best epitomizes what I want to achieve and manifest in 2009. I will be turning 40 in three weeks, so I have to make it count :)

I know what I most want is a fuller life.

• Art abundant. I want to see all the visions and projects that currently reside in my head, out in the world.
• Finances beefed up. I need money to make the changes to my house and to travel more. Ideally, by selling my creations. :)
• Love rich. I want to share my life with the man for me, surrounded by family and friends. I want my home to be teaming with people occasionally. (Not all the time, because I savour my peace and quiet.)
• Health restored. I want to reach my healthy body weight and to be freed from the excess that has resided on me for far too long.

These are the things I wish to manifest in the New Year. I welcome suggestions of a word that encapsulates all of them.

Today, I have included my design for the Seven Cups. Traditionally, it is depicted as a man standing before many cups brimming with both good and bad things. It's about excess. What better way to depict excess than a posh store window in gilded colors? I added the Lamborghini busting out of the building for effect. This card technically does not have any cups, but the meaning is the same. :)

Now on to Awards! Weee!

June was sweet enough to award me with a very elegant award! I discovered June recently and she has a few amazing blogs, all very interesting and thought-provoking. I especially love her art challenges here! Thank you June!




I have to write the five things I am addicted to: Oy!

1- dark chocolate preferably with nuts and toffee or orange pieces
2- blogging: I simply must. Reading people's blogs is a constant source of inspiration, positivity, humanity, creativity.
3- Corrie Street - I have written about this at length. It's one TV program I simply will not do without and have never been disillusioned with
4-coffee: Been there, said that :)
5-clementines: I love these little juicy bundles of goodness.

Damn. I don't' have time to talk about my shoe and bead addictions... Okay. Another time :)

I will be passing the award along at a later date. But if you love it, then it's yours! Everyone who visits and who I visit is FABULOUS! :)

Robyn was sweet enough to bestow on me the Proximity Award for a second time! How lucky and honored am I? :) For a unique perspective, words of wisdom, and humorous truth, visit Robyn's blog. And before December is over, don't forget to find your way into the Enchanted Portal and the bird's wing!



To add to the blessings and honors being showered on me (HOW did I get this lucky?) Frustrated Artist tagged me with the five-a-day meme again! :) Visit her blog for heartfelt and insightful observations on life! :)

Blessed be my friends. You all hold such a special place in my heart. Visiting your blogs, reading your amazing comments brightens my life! :) Thank you :)

Glutted

I feel full and overloaded and that is that.

It's been a roller coaster ride and I'm glad to be off it. My brain is running in circles around its tail and I want it to stop. Too many things have affected me over the past few days, some extremely positive, others not so much.

I gain solace from creating my Tarot deck. I am half way finished the Flame (known as wands) suit. I have to say that I am very pleased with the results. My imagination is having a festival. Ole!

Allison asked that I post about how I got into reading Tarot etc. I will happily oblige.

It was a cold and stormy night. Heh! It was raining buckets in Athens, Greece. For lack of an ark, and because of supreme boredom, I took a regular deck of cards and started reading my friends "fortune". To their surprise and mine, I had a knack for it.

Thus started my long journey and fascination with the art of divination.

The thing is, it's really just a way of "reading" people's energy. All the answers are hidden within us, but most people do not like to delve into the depths of their psyche, so they ask for external reinforcement. I suppose it is a talent to be able to "read", but the cards simply manifest what is in the person's mind at any given point. It is especially important to be in tune and to approach this from a neutral stand point. It is equally important to understand that all forms of divination are not absolute and depend completely on the events and the state of mind of the "Now".

Soon, I got acquainted with the Tarot deck. I dove into books and interpretations, crossreferencing it with my knowledge of numerology and astrology. At some point, this separate knowledge melded into a higher awareness. I became better and better at divination, and I soon had many people ask me to read their cards.

I became a collector of Tarot decks, searching for the ones that "spoke" to me. The symbolism of most decks is heavily dependent on medieval christian symbolism infused with strong pagan icons. I branched out to the Egyptian decks, the Arthurian decks, and traveled into the world of Runes and I Ching.

In the end, all these tools, are just that - ways of getting through the social barriers and the adopted garbage and shining a light into the pure soul that knows all, sees all, understands all without external prompts.

I stopped doing readings because I felt that it was zapping my energy. After a while, the Tarot as well as all my favorite tools of divination decorated by bookcase, forgotten.

When I started Soul Coaching, I felt inspired to make a card. Just one card. I had also stopped playing around with photoshop, so this decision brought me back to two old friends. I found that I missed them. This brought me to the realization that I could now make the deck I have always been seeking, using symbols, colors, settings, and figures that most speak to me. I know that I definitely wanted to break away from tradition and inject the cards with more positive meaning.

So here I am today. The most recent completion being the Cups suit. I didn't change the name, but if you look closely "cups" have acquired many meanings from glasses to spray paint. I have started bringing in more urban symbols as well as mixing traditional with modern settings. I am creating them purposely in a an intuitive state. My head, heart and soul are working in unison. That in itself is an accomplishment, one that I hope to carry on into all aspects of my life.

Making these cards has afforded me an anchor that as helped me through these days. The holidays are prime in emphasizing the things we lack, things, people, love, food, homes etc. It's great when one has those things, but when one doesn't these holidays bring it to the forefront. I am not one to wallow in sorrow, but I have missed my parents deeply, and it has sharply put into focus the fact that I have no family, no mate, no children. I try to steer my mind to my blessings, but in quiet times, the dirge begins anew. The only thing that has shut it out has been creating these cards. And I am happy indeed. :)

Hope everyone is doing well. I will catch up with all your blogs and commenting tomorrow, but in the meantime... Blessed be my friends :)

Happy Holidays and Balloons

It is done! The Balloons suit of my original Tarot deck is complete!

It has been a challenge to transform the swords and their meanings into the balloons. I mean, talk about polar opposites. :) For each card, I have slanted the light in such a way as it reflects the positive outcome of the meaning rather than the traumatic event that inspired it. We prefer to see a picture of the new born baby so full of promise, than the crowning moment of labour. Ya know? :)

Here are the cards I have not posted in brief:

• 3 balloons went from the traditional heart being stabbed by three swords (ugh!) to a woman on a beach going from a crouched position of sadness, to a leap of rejoicing.
• 4 balloons went from a knight (seemingly dead) in a church to a woman sleeping on a bed of white, carried into the clouds by a huge white balloon.
• 5 balloons went from the battleground of defeat , to a woman standing in the wind, holding on to some balloons while one is carried away by the elements.
• 7 balloons went from a soldier carrying weapons, seemingly stealing them from the enemy, to a woman gazing up at balloons that carry the imprints of Hindu deities.
• 8 balloons went from a woman bound and blindfolded in a cage of swords, to a woman gently bound by balloons that are about to carry her away.
• 9 balloons went from a woman in deep despair surrounded by swords, to a woman surrounded by some balloons being nudged to an open window.
• 10 balloons went from a man face down stabbed in the back with ten swords (the most disturbingly violent card in my opinion) to a man scaling a glass building while 5 balloons and 5 balloon reflections accompany him.

• I have decided to omit the Page card from all my suits for two reasons: I have always been at a loss in my interpretation of that card (it seemed redundant) and numerologically it throws the individual suits as well as the whole deck out of whack for me.

• Finally, I present you with the culmination, Mr. King of Balloons. He is composed and slightly mysterious. A ladies man, one who knows exactly what to say and do to make a person smile. He embodies the spirit of adventure, tinged with a little bit of danger. A twinkle in his eye, he confidently strides through life whether he feels that confidence or not. :)

So now that the most difficult (for me) part of the deck is over, I will steadily work to complete the whole deck before the New Year.

Thank you all so much for your wonderful words of encouragement, praise and support. You are all precious to me. I am truly blessed that our paths have crossed, even if it is on the net superhighway!

Wishing you and yours the happiest of holidays! :) Much love :)

Cocoon and Release

As we march bravely toward the light, many things are percolating in my head. Ideas, plans, images.

I have been cocooning, regaining much needed energy, while the weather conspired to allow me to do so. My car is resting in drifts of snow, and thankfully I don't have any pressing errands to run. Well, not pressing. I do have a couple of books to pick up for my goddaughter, and the makings for a hostess gift for Emily's mom that I am making, the ingredients for the dish I am going to take. Yes, yes, I need to do all these things, but I don't want to budge from my home.

I have been designing the Tarot deck like a mad woman on a mission. The Balloon suit is almost done and it will have its grand unveiling soon. It's been difficult, I have to admit. I have been trying to clear my head of the preconceived images and meanings of the traditional decks with which I am so familiar.

The Balloon suit has been the most challenging. If you are at all familiar with the Swords suit in the traditional Tarot decks, you will know why. Most of the cards speak of despair, depression, and defeat. These are the emotions I do not wish to encapsulate in mine. It's not that I am in denial (another "de" word), it's that I want this deck to uplift and guide. In my many years reading the Tarot, I have always felt my energy spiral into an abyss any time one of the swords appeared, knowing that the person I am reading for is feeling the same. So how do I touch upon challenges without sending myself and the person I am reading for into the pit of darkness?

To illustrate this, I have included the counterpart from the Ryder-Waite deck.

This card speaks of emotional baggage that is weighing us down and not allowing us to go forward - to reach shore. There is a sense of bleakness and despair in the realization.

Okay. We have all been there. In the tunnel, with no light. Baggage hitting us in the shin.

"Drop the baggage!" Our enlightened soul sings. "Let go!"

So instead of depicting the difficult passage that has the person frozen in a stalemated journey, I depicted the Release.

The release of the baggage, the letting go of all the things, events and people that have stifled our growth, and the sense of freedom it brings.

The red balloons fly away behind us, as we lift our arms and faces to the light, and negotiate our way home.

That is the feeling I want people to have when they see my interpretation of this card. I want them to feel the weight lifted, as the baggage drifts off into space, where it can be absorbed by the cleansing Universe.

If you are feeling like the road is endless and nonnegotiable, if the weight of problems is burying you, my wish is that you find the courage to let go. Let go of those toxic things that stifle you, and be free, be free to sing, and find your way home.

Blessed be :)