You Live How You Grow

I have a theory. It's not based on hard evidence or anything like that; and I'm no expert; but over the years I have observed that how one grows up predetermines how they will live life. If someone grows up in a loving, supportive, nurturing environment, they have greater chances of personal fulfillment. Happy, well-balanced childhoods almost invariably lead to happy, well-adjusted adulthoods. No one is really balanced during adolescence, but even in those cases, the teen experience is healthier when childhood is untainted by trauma.

Nobody is perfect. It's rare for people to have had an idyllic childhood; but there are those who have come very close, even taking into account the "outside looking in" factor; if asked, they themselves would agree that their childhoods were mostly wonderful. The one and only factor that can make or break a childhood is physical, emotional and or mental trauma. Poverty, abuse in any of its nasty forms, emotional warfare or blackmail, poor mental health, dangerous or sun-standard living conditions all cause damage to a person, one that lasts beyond childhood even if those conditions are no longer present.

These will impact the way a person perceives and lives life, his relationship with others, how she reacts to situations and how they feel about themselves. There's a reason most therapists and psychological theorists delve into childhood for the source of any problem in adult life. Childhood is the source.

On the spectrum of horror, I suppose my childhood was moderately traumatic. As I stumbled through life trying to find a niche, a place where I didn't feel like a total Losersarus, trying to decode the human language of emotions and reactions, it became clear to me that I was missing valuable skills and tools that others had.

The first and most important tool is unconditional love. When children grow up without strings, without the knowledge that they would have to do something damaging to their psyche to "earn" love, they grow with wings. They grow with confidence not only in the world around them, but in themselves as well. This is bestowed upon them like a fairy godmother's wish; they don't have to fight and claw and suffer to gain it. They know they are loved just because they are; and that feeling is more priceless than a Trump trust fund.

The second crucial tool for life success that a child can be granted is a support system, not only parents and siblings, but an extended family, friends and neighbors that become a source of comfort. Giving a child a large pool of people from which to draw is another most invaluable gift she can be given. That way, when the parents are no longer there to give him unconditional support, there are others who share a history, who share common experiences, who share love, to step in a fill the void.

The third and probably most significant tool is training. Not potty training. Most people get that whether their parents are amazing or horrific. Human training. That's where you learn how to interact with people, what your reactions are, how to compromise, how to grow. This happens in the playground, at school, in the backyard, at the family table, during the first kiss, on the first date, at the first heartbreak, during the first victory, after the first loss. These are all timely experiences that are integral to one's growth emotionally, socially and psychologically. If a person does not experience them or they happen outside the realm of common experience, then it's as if a wrench is thrown into the mechanism. The person malfunctions.

These are some of the reasons I malfunctioned.

I never learned to ride a bike because my father would not let me go outside to play. My mother was not as strict so she would allow me to go to the back courtyard to play with my friends, as long as I got home before my father got home from work. I vividly remember one day my father came home earlier than expected. My mother rushed to the balcony and hissed for me to come upstairs. I was 8 at the time. I think that's when I learned to think on my feet and lie. I ran up the fire escape to the balcony where I grabbed one of the undies my mom had drying on the line. I told my dad who fumingly asked me where I was that one of them fell on the ground and I went downstairs to retrieve it. My friends probably thought I was a freak.

I was not only not allowed to date, but I didn't so much as speak to a boy for most of my adolescence. I didn't go to my own Prom because I was not allowed, but even if I were I wouldn't have gone because I would have gone dateless. I had my first crush at 17 on a boy who died that year from an aneurysm he had while skiing. I was convinced that I was damned. I didn't kiss until I was 19, and didn't have sex until shortly after 20.

I sucked my thumb, or more euphemistically "self-soothed", until I was 16. As soon as I landed in Greece to begin my life of freedom, I stopped sucking my thumb. Instantly. Unfortunately,a few years later when the feeling of promise was in danger, I started to smoke - the unhealthier version of self-soothing.

Childhood is where I learned to punish myself, where shame was grafted unto me, where I learned that the only person I could truly depend on was myself. That's also where I learned strength, creativity and honesty as an antidote to the poison that infused my young life.

I sometimes tease my expecting friends when they go to town on the baby books, reading up on everything child related; and certainly there is such a thing as being over-informed, a condition that might lead to paranoia and hypochondria; but I have to give them props. They are being vigilant, responsible and caring parents. None of them would just watch their kids balloon to triple their size, or totally change personalities within a year, or suck their thumbs until they're 16 without investigating why. They are good parents who will no doubt give their kids all the tools they need for a happy life. The kind of life I have not had.