Darkness Be Gone!

There have been times in my life when I have felt the darkness sweep down on me like a vulture ready for the last vestiges of life to leave my heart. I have felt the curtain of despair slowly fall on me, enveloping my mind and heart, turning everything bleak. I have walked with shadows as they pointed out the wasteland around me, gleefully relishing my sadness.

Yet, in those times, when my whole being was threatened with a subterranean existence, I did not realize that a warrior lived inside of me. A woman more powerful than all the cartooned images I idolized as a child. A woman strong enough to will the darkness back, laugh despair into oblivion, tear down the curtains to let in the light, shoot an arrow straight into the heart of that vulture. To make the wasteland dissolve into a world filled with light, life and possibility.

It started as an echo of a voice. A dream of one day being saved by some nebulous other. A longing for release and acceptance. A wish for the shining armored figure to come galloping to my rescue. While outside, a battle waged for my being.

There were enemies everywhere, lurking in mirrors to mock me, in false friendships and love affairs to destroy me, in broken promises, in well-meaning put-downs. And I ingested all of them, accepting my defeat, swallowing the criticism, giving into the apathy.

But she would not let me. Not my warrior.

Her voice became stronger, more outraged, more emphatic. She refused to give in, acquiesce, lay down her arms. She fought on for me, despite of me.

And I survived.

Every heartbreak.

Every broken dream.

Every forsaken promise.

Every maiming experience.

And I am here today, to say, I am victorious. Every time that vulture appears on the horizon, I take aim at it until it falls in a heap to the ground. Every time that curtain threatens to smother my breath, I rip it away and let the fresh air in.

I choose the light.

I am the warrior.

And it feels good!

Spotlight in

(click-enlarge)

As we progress through 12 Secrets , the magnificent Jamie's latest book blog club, we are asked to focus not only on self but on support of others' creativity.

I have never had a problem being, sometimes, a one-woman cheering squad for people. I try to always give people a hand, a shoulder, an ear, or encouragement, ideas, advice when asked, or just a silent presence when needed. I am a believer in "anything is possible", and a crusader of "dreams come true" to the Nth degree.

For others.

Increasingly, it has become clearer that I need to be that for myself as well.

For me, it's not a matter of time, but of attitude. Letting go of the guilt associated with putting myself first when I need to. Letting go of this ingrained belief that I am not worthy of praise, or support, or unconditional love. Trying to figure out where that attitude came from is, for me, pointless. I don't like wallowing in the past. It's time to forge ahead.

I need to be my own advocate. My own cheering squad. I need to be a silent presence for my soul to speak. And if I do it badly, I need to be there for myself, and say "It's okay honey. You will get it right next time."

I have always been a private person. I have not shared of myself to my deepest core, and I have always been reluctant to show my art. Look at me now. Blogging away the very marrow of my soul that people, most of whom I have not met before, might read. Displaying my art, being vulnerable, showing what I am doing, whether it is good or not. I am proud of myself for that. This is a huge step for me.

Now I need to learn one more thing:

To ask for help. To show my vulnerability. To tell others what I need. To reach out, and ask other people to be there for me.

I have always been fiercely independent. It comes from being an only child. It comes from this fiery nature that refuses to cry "Give!" It comes from the core of my personality.

Yet, it is this very independence that causes people to believe that I am okay, that I don't need support, or a friendly phone call, or an invitation to coffee, or a smile of encouragement.

I need those things too. And I am asking for them.

What is it that you have been denying yourself? How will you get it?

Blessed be my friends :)

In-SPIRIT -I-On

A flower unfolding
in delicate glow
The softness and beauty
of new-fallen snow
The moon overhead
smiling her beams
The clouds reflecting
last night's lovely dreams
A shadow that's cast
by a tree's gracious boughs
The touch of a rainbow
The shimmer rain shows
The lights of the city
A building's great height
The brick and the mortal
A turret delight
An alcove
A street lamp
the cobbles
the fence
A smile on a child
in her brand new pink dress
The kids in
the playground


Red buses
New shoes
The thundering subway
Man singing the blues
The wind as it whistles
The mills as they turn
The glow of a flame
as slowly it burns
The smiles
and the tears
The shades
and the lights
the darks
and the yellows
the stars
in the night
The way my soul wanders
when I'm near the sea
Life's tender unfolding
All inspire me.

*The impetus for the poem here! :)

Sunshine Moments

Firstly, THANK Y♥U for all the beautiful wishes for my birthday yesterday. Your love and warmth truly touch me to the core of my being. You are all spectacular souls! I am so honored and grateful to know you. :)

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

I need some sunshine and warmth, and since the weather isn't cooperating, I decided to make me some. :)

Last night I went to Danette's PlayLab. It was the perfect thing to do on my birthday. It was calm and reflective, creative and fun.

And I learned a couple of things:

• I am not afraid to experiment, and throw myself out there any more. I am not afraid of judgement. I don't like it, but I am not afraid of it.
• I do not get mortally connected to what I have made. When asked if we would mind ripping it up, I asked, "How?" That's huge. Being over-connected to my creative products is yet another way for my ego to interfere with my play. So a piece is ruined or gets lost, or whatever. That's just one piece. Our creativity is much larger than that. It is the sum of the parts.
• Pastels and watercolor have an interesting interaction and chemistry. They are an "odd" couple, but they make their relationship work. I am new to mixed media and I am loving it the more I try or see or learn.
• I don't need to have my studio all set up and perfect to start my creative journey with painting. It is just another project that is delaying my process. I need to just jump in there and do it. :)
• When I am creating, the world disappears. And sometimes, that is a good thing.

AH! That's it for now... :)

May your explorations be bountiful and fearless!

Blessed be :)

Wishes, Monsters and Various Things

(click on image for larger view)

Hello my lovelies! Thank you for all your encouraging and helpful remarks yesterday! You are like manna. :) Above is another attempt at art with photoshop... I have been doing graphic arts for years now, but this is new territory for me. This is the first step to me diving into un-virtual art when my studio is in place.

Why Medussa you wonder?

Well.

That's how I was feeling at the end of the day. I had followed through with my plan to keep my day peaceful and it was, until I stepped into the office at the end of the day.

I'm not going to bore you with details, but yours truly had a minor (okay majorish) meltdown. I discovered, yet again, final straw, that certain teachers were not doing what they were supposed to and it is putting the integrity of our exams into question. When I was told, "I don't care." I, unfortunately felt all my frustration bubble over into a minor nuclear incident. How does one make adults follow through and care about their professional duties? How?

I came home, and I seethed. I was exhausted and decided to skip dinner, and skip work, and just paint. So Medussa was born.

I went to bed early, disappointed in the people I work with, disappointed with myself for losing it, just disappointed.

Of course, my mind wouldn't shut down. So I woke up at 3:30 am and wrote down three pages of expectations for the department, for the courses, for final evaluations, and for exams. I feel better now but groggy as all get-go.

On to happier things...

I added to my landscape from the previous post and now it looks like this:

(click on image for larger view)

Jamie is continuing her fabulous work with wishcasting . I am definitely in need of some wishes, so my first wish is for...

Undisturbed Internal Serenity

In your commments, if you wish to comment please include the following: "As Genie wishes for herself, so I wish also."

I need to be able to maintain my serenity in the face of continued challenges and adversity. I want my meltdowns to melt away. I am a passionate person, and though I control myself 90% of the time... well there is that 10%... There is so much a camel can take. :) I wish for an oasis of serenity to grow strong inside me. I wish to bathe in her waters, and feel fortified by her peace.

This is my wish for you as well.

Blessed be :)