My Reality: The First Step - Honesty

As I approached my forties, I began to deal with the growing realization that my life was not going in the direction I liked. My marriage sunk pretty early on, and the relationships I had after that were less than successful. Though I love children, it was becoming increasingly obvious that I would not have any. I hadn't found a suitable partner, nor did I have the finances and support system to be a single mother. I know that in many ways I am like a mother to my students, but it isn't the same thing.

In the Smörgåsbord of Life, my plate was being filled with lemon rinds and over-ripe tomatoes.

While all my friends' lives have been multiplying with people, mine has been shrinking. Friends married or cohabited with their partners, moving on to lifestyles that don't include single friends. Friends with children bonded over their common experience, finding nothing in common with their childless friend. That's not to say that I don't still have a core of good friends, who are more like family to me; and I am truly grateful to them for being in my life, but they are a fraction of the people I used to have in my life.

My only true family, my parents, passed away within months of each other; and though there were people to support me through that time, their loss shrunk my life even more. I had to deal with the long process of grieving on my own. Because there is no downer like someone crying about their loss a long time after it happened, I keep that to myself.

I used to write these thoughts in my blog, until I started feeling like I would sadden my blog buddies with my process. So I have remained silent.

This all sounds very depressing, but it's the reality of the life I have been living. I have been doing my best to expand my circle of being outside my life of one, to reach out to those who are less fortunate, knowing full well how fortunate I am. I have a roof over my head; I can take care of my own needs.

But the core of joy, the type that comes with sharing a conversation over a cup of tea or a glass of wine at the end of a long day, or tucking in a little sleepy form and reading him a bedtime story, or the smell of a baby fresh out of the bath, warm and giggly, that joy has not been in my life. And I miss it.

So I have been doing my best, to deal with the grieving process, the resentment of "why me", the self-pity of not being deemed worthy enough by fate to be loved, and the anger at "wasting" my life. Because it's very easy to be joyous, to talk about art, and self-improvement, and crafty projects, it's very easy to succeed when you come from the nurturing of another's love. It;s not so easy when every day you have a dinner for one to look forward to and a "conversation" with the TV.

As part of my process of change, I have decided to voice my thoughts and feelings on this my blog. So I begin with honesty. Looking the situation right in the face, and admitting that I'm sad. And that is good.

And in the spirit of opening up to joy again, I return to the splendid Jamie Ridler's Wishcasting Wednesday!

Today, Jamie asks, "What do you wish to invite in?"

I wish to invite in Love, Companionship and Family!

Thank you Jamie!