(click to enlarge)This is a piece I have made in PS. It is comprised of a face I drew, textured with various photos I have. Leather and stone for the hair. Canvas and rock for the face. A feather, a veil and some crystals for embellishment. Berries for lips.
I softened the overall image, as I am trying to temper the hard place I am in. The place where self-doubt, self-recrimination, self-sabotage reside.
Today, I am battling with myself and the darkness that has reared its ugly head. It's inevitable that this should happen, as I am becoming more and more exhausted.
Today, I woke up with my heart and spirit trapped in shadows. The dark voices whispered me awake, and I have been waging a war against them for the past two hours, really for weeks now. It's 5:47 am and I have to go to work. I am losing the threads of my sanity today.
Today in the book club of 12 Secrets of Creative Women we are asked to identify and overcome the scarcity (HAH!), and step into the light of abundance.
I won't be adding my link to this week's prompt. I am not in the place of abundance. I am not in that place at all. I feel marginalized. I feel unappreciated. I feel judged. So, I cannot even fake abundance. I wouldn't, even if I could. It would be disingenuous of me to be all hearts and flowers today when I am not feeling it. No matter how much I "visualize" and "wish" and "dream", facts are facts.
Over the past few days and weeks, some things have become apparent to me. That no matter how much I try to connect with most people in my life, the desire is not mutual. It is time that I accept it.
Some friends are too busy to return my calls but can call each other and make plans.
Some friends don't listen when I try to speak, but will listen to each other.
Some students talk over me when I am trying to give instructions, but give other teachers their respect.
It's time I face the facts. The only common thread in those scenarios is me, not them. I say this without self-pity, nor am I looking for pity. Somewhere along the line, I stopped being important to some.
In accepting this, I am releasing the expectations. I will just follow the path my life seems to want to be on and love it, accept it, embrace it. And stop fighting. I cannot make people care enough to pick up the phone. I cannot will friendship. I will just be as I am.
I will embrace this understanding with joy and equanimity. I will continue to support and help and love. I do it, because I want to.
Then, when all is said and done, I will walk on my own, with myself, without need, on the sunlit path of my solitude.
I gain solace from this:
In the blogosphere, I find compassion and support and caring. Some people want to read what I have to write. Some people have the time to respond. And they respond with love. I appreciate this more than I can express.
Blessed be :)
26 comments:
Genie,
My heart is broken for you. You are such a loving, beautiful spirit, it hurts to know that you're feeling this way. I have experienced similar times in my life but eventually they changed. I pray that whether or not your circumstances change, you will be filled with joy, warmth and healing.
You are doing amazing things for so many people and I know you feel unappreciated. It might not seem like the love is there but it is.
One day at a time, my friend.
(Please email me if you'd care to talk. Anytime.)
{{{{{Genie!}}}}}
the sun will shine. and you are taking from this what you need to to make yourself stronger. it's no fun, and it's tough, but in the end i do believe that you'll be happier. hang in there-
As I started writing this, I had thoughts of what I could say to "make you feel better". In the end, nothing felt right...that doesn't feel like my job here.
What does feel right is to tell you that I know you are not alone, even in those present feelings of solitude. You are not alone and you are so very loved. That I know...
Putting big love arms around you and planting kisses on your forehead...
I can so very much relate. ((((YOU)))) The one friend I have (who is in her 70's) has also gone through this recently - apparently none of us are immune. Go figure.
The following is what I have said to myself (and to my friend) in regards to this issue and some thoughts that I hope will comfort your heart, even if only a little.
You are fantastical! Not everyone is going to see that. Not everyone is going to appreciate it. Not everyone is going to get it. Not everyone is going to like it. Some will be jealous. Some don't like their own selves so they think it's really you they don't like. People are strange and messed up. Mostly they have NO IDEA how they are acting (or how it is coming across) or that they are hurting you. They are so asleep. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
The main thing I learned is this: You take care of you. I know it's difficult when you really want to do that through relationship with others (been there, done that)...but I am convinced that the solitary exploration of YOU is THE GREATEST 'THING' YOU'LL EVER ACCOMPLISH. Sometimes I think it's more difficult to know our own selves than someone else.
I also stopped chasing people around and let them fall by the side of the road...cause the train I was on was bound for another time and place. Your train is headed for place of AWESOME'NESS! I can tell by your writing. I can feel it in your words. :)
One more thing....I have finally decided after praying, begging, demanding, hoping, trying...The Great Spirit wants me here, alone (mostly). I believe there is a much greater purpose in my 'suffering' in this area than I have any knowing of (it forces me to be with ME - oooo scary ;) ). Maybe it's the same for you??????? What are you getting out of this? More compassion for yourself? More compassion for others? More compassion for the left out teenager?
~Magick~
Melissa
I've learned that we humans are not perfect in relationship with others or with our Creator. (I've hurt friends unintentionally in my life). We live in a fallen world (not the garden of Eden that was created for us, but we still yearn and seek that perfect world where relationships are what they were meant to be). We are not able to love each other as God loves us ...unconditionally. Look past the faults of others, move ahead in your life, be the best you can be, seek God and the rest will fall in place. Be encouraged!
Genie, my heart goes out to you. I feel like I'm in the same place, that people expect a lot from me, tell me how much they like working with me but don't feel a need to maintain a strong relationship--or any relationship for that matter.
Is it because we are strong women?? Maybe people see us flexing our creative muscles, making things happen and say, "she has it together, she doesn't need anything." Strong people need Love in their lives too.
With that said, I must express how much I appreciate you, your work and your honesty. Really--if you didn't live 14 hours away you can bet we'd be out for coffee. I treasure our interactions and conversations in the blogosphere. Never never never feel alone, Genie! We are in this together. We are all looking at the same Moon.
Wishing you Much Love and Comfort~*
Molly
(((((((Genie)))))))))
Sending you tons and tons of hugs. My post for 12 secrets this week was not hearts and flowers either, but it was true to my current experience. Your authenticity speaks to me volumes and means very much to those of us out here reading!
I've been thinking a lot lately about that feeling of "pushing the river". You know, you just feel like you are *willing* everything to happen but the river keeps rolling over you anyway. It is so frustrating. And if I stop pushing -- which I'm exhausted and want to stop anyway -- but if I do what is it that I fear? Loss of control? Loss of doing? I'm not sure. I guess I just hate the idea of "giving up" or something. But like you, I'm exhausted. I must stop pushing and begin floating. It's the lesson of Eyeore for me :)
Anyway, I know nothing can feel helpful or supportive when we just don't want to enter the world anymore. But please know that you aren't alone. I'm reluctant to enter the world today, too. Maybe in our giving in and letting go, we just release the stuff that isn't working and make room for new or different options that might fit us better?
Though I'm not doing it very well myself today, I'll say this: here's to trusting our process! :)
Tend to you as much as you can this weekend. Be gentle with you.
Miracles,
k-
Genie,
How horrible am I to admit I'm spending another Friday night alone with a dvd, and that your post today makes me feel better?
I commend you for your brave, raw honesty. Your words AND THAT WORK OF ART are very important to this chapter and something we can all relate to on some level.
You've encapsulated your feelings so well, and your intentions so wisely.
You are a strong rock, girl!
A loveable, caring, decent person and always remember that cliche -"what goes around, comes around".
I think you're so brave in taking the approach you are...your time of overflowing friendships and respect for your feelings will "come around" to you.
There must be a lesson in this somewhere for you - and you will find it...you are already growing from the experience.
P.S. If I lived closer, we would Soooo hang out and have coffee and gab-fests and art-nights and sit in your backyard sipping iced teas after fun trips to the garden centre!
You are a very loving person. I have never met you face to face, but I KNOW THIS for sure. My heart hurts, because you hurt. Please know that although we live far apart I SO Appreciate and Love YOU. If you ever need an ear I am a great listener. Your honesty increases my respect for you even greater than before.
I am here whenever you need me Genie. Always remember that my sweet friend.
((((Genie))))
Sounds to me like the Tribe is embracing you. . . This is probably the best batch of comments ever! They are all true. They each have a word or two of wisdom and they all have big hugs.
What a awesome tribe! And you are a part of it,and you are awesome also.
This is probably one of those annoying spiritual growth experiences . . . we all get them and we all hate them.
The Tribe is here for you. We'll have your back. Muddle through as best you can and we'll figure out the whys and wherefores together.
More hugs . . .{{{Genie}}}
Often I've felt faced with a choice: be who I want to be and make myself happy, or be who others want me to be and make them happy. The problem lies in the fact that when you stop being what other people want you to be, they often stop trying to include you in their life.
As social beings we crave to be around other people. We want friends. This means we need to be what they want us to be, and most of the time it is not what we want to be. So we have moments where we hate ourselves for being 'selfish' and being who we want to be, because it causes us to have so few friends. So we change ourselves and become what they want, then hate ourselves for not being who we want to be.
If this confused you, you're not alone. I'm writing it and it confuses me a bit. In the words of Dr. Seuss here's what I am trying to say- Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.
We all care about you Genie! What did you tell me just last Friday when I wrote that post about how alone I felt, because no one wanted to hear what I had to say? Two amazing and loving things:
"First of all, how can anyone help but like you? If they don't, there is something wrong with them. :)"
and
"In the long run, what other people think, is what other people think. It has nothing to do with you :)"
I am now saying those to you! I hope you say them to yourself. =) Sorry for the wicked long comment.
So sorry to hear your in darkness I'm sending you some positive and loving light.
I don't know why things gets into our heart and head.
The other day I had trouble with panic attacks.
I had trouble with abundance but in different way...I didn't want to come across like I'm tooting my horn or selling my self short.
Coffee is on.
oh genie, first things first... one GIANT {{{{hug}}}}
well, just a brief glance at all above me, gives you some indication at just how special you are. how much your words mean, both when you reach out to others, and when you share your raw truths...
and hopefully when you feel a little doubt, come back here and feel the love instead :)
You seem to be a strong person - the thing with being a strong person is that others don't feel you need them - and act accordingly - even when maybe you do. Just be a friend without expectation. You'll feel better. And you just might be amazed at the results.
Just hang in there, this too shall pass. Trite but true.
i echo everyone else's sentiments. i have felt this kinda hurt in the past too and, as time goes on, i have come to realise that i am the only one responsible for how i feel at any given time. the choice is always mine whether or not i allow others to effect my feelings in a positive or negative way. knowing that makes me feel better and in control of my own life. i'm learning not to give a rip about what anyone else thinks. (((Genie)))
love, light and peace,
serena
Ladies, Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart. Your support, advice and encouragement mean a lot to me.
I feel lighter today, after grappling with the reality of the situation, and I am steadily moving on.
Thank you so much for your outpouring of love and hugs. I truly needed it and it helps more than you know.
I almost deleted this post, but I thought it would be inauthentic. Struggle is part of life, and sharing it, makes it less burdensome.
Thank you for reading and sharing.
Much love to each and every one of you.
HUGS!
Oh Genie, I can so relate! I have felt like an outsider here in this town since we moved here when I was 10 years old.
I think you are brave, wonderful, loving, compassionate, kind, artistic, and authentic.
I love your art in this post. Beautiful!
Hi, sweetie!
What wonderful comments - so much love & honoring of the wonderful, creative goddess you are!
One of my favorite decks of cards (winds & changes? they're at my office, so I can't look!) has a card that talks about relationships that have served in the past becoming less important as we shift, & watching for the new relationships coming in.
Nothing 'bad' or 'good' - more bends in the road - so I'd offer that - look for the *possible* friendships, someone you haven't really sat down with & ask them to tea, . . . . & as other relationships fade, bless them on their way!
& put out what you want in a friend, both to have & to be . . . (& me, too; I'd come hang out with you in a heartbeat!)
Many many hugs & blessings (hey, my word 'prospin' reminds me of prospering :) ooo - & a shirt I have from a fellow who was in a b-a-d car accident, & had to relearn speach - had to make word pictures;
my shirt says a-BUN-dance - see the dancing buns :) :) :)
I am sorry to see you in this place. I think many people who feel deeply, and assess continuously the connections with others, are disappointed in this way. We try too hard. We get frantic working at it and feeling like it gets us nowhere. When we relax a bit and just be ourselves, it works better, and we can notice the people who do appreciate and love us. It's not easy, though, to step back from observing and measuring every interaction, and having expectations for that measurement. It's particularly hard to step back from it when you live alone... Too much introspective time for going over the past day's events and conversations.
So I'm feeling for you today. This is when being alone hurts the most, I think. And I hope you can succeed in letting go, looking outward, just enjoying who you are and what you're doing every moment - for you, as you, just you.
Hey Genie,
I appreciate your honesty. All of us have our dark days and can truly empathize with your experience in connecting with people. It can be frustrating. Just don't sell yourself short through other people's eyes. Take care of your life and be gentle with your self until the darkness passes over. Some people admire flowers, some ignore them, some trample on them, but thank goodness flowers continue on as flowers. Live your life through the beautiful spirit you possess and nurture your being into its fullest expression.
Namaste
Kathy
Genie, Make a vow with yourself. Perhaps even marry yourself. Have a ceremony...you are the only person you will always be with.
Even if you do get with another. you will still be with you. Honor that, because you are beautiful.
Check out:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Zbn7Khv8zM&feature=related
with love
xx
Hi Genie, I am so sorry i havent been here for a little while and i know you understand why but on the rare occasions i have switched on my pc, I have recieved such beautiful caring support and love from you my friend. YOU ARE SPECIAL. Those who are blind to that are missing out on the blessing of you. As always i read all of your words and as someone else says ... my heart went out to you. You are a giver by nature and givers keep on giving of themselves as you are intent on doing .. its the love and the nature of you but many people are not so generous of spirit and they will keep on taking and using your energies like vampires who keep draining you. Try to hang on to that beautiful full hearted spirit of yours and protect yourself from them by letting your energy and love bounce back to you instead.There will be fellow loving caring spirits to join you on your path my friend and when they do they will be true friends and you will feel it. My sadness for you is that its taking so long for that to happen and you are feeling alone. Don't be .. i know its not the same and that we bloggers are not there physically but i promise that the sincerity is there in all these wonderful 'real' people who adore you for who you are and come here to just be with you Genie
Sending love across the world to you
June xxx
Thank you sweet people of our tribe. You are to me the cherished members of our global village.
You fill my heart with joy
my eyes with tears
my soul with the blessings
that each and every one of you brings.
I am so happy to know you.
Much love to all of you from the bottom of my heart.
Hugs!
Dear Genie,
I just had this same conversation with my husband and another friend. Being left behind hurts. Especially when there is just no reason for it. I have found that Martha Beck's description of the shallows, ring of fire, & peace to be of help. It still smarts from time to time. Hey, I'm human. But I have to realize that they are just not in the same place and ready to dig deep. Like you I shall love them and move forward. Leaving shiny stones in the path so that they may find me, when they are ready. And when you are ready, you know that you may email me. Hugs my darling friend.
Lissa
Lissa - Thank you so much sweetie :)
it's not an easy thing to write these things and make them public-- but sometimes just saying it makes it lose its power, don't you think? i hope you're feeling better, and yes, blogland loves you!
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