Bowl of Possibility

Kernels of decisions pop in the heated receptacle of my mind.
Some turn into to fluffy tastiness.
Others burn at the bottom.

I pour them out into the bowl of possibility.
And as I choose one
Savor it in my mouth.
Feel its buttery goodness
enter my bloodstream.

Action is born.
Achievement is reached.
Satisfaction is attained.

Once I have taken the bowl out of reach
of fate's chapped hands
and hold it lovingly in mine
feel the weight of its contents
empower me.

My hands can clear gardens.
Can caulk cracks in my house.
Can move walls.
Can open paths.
My hands.
Move my life
in the direction of its choice.

And the burned kernels?
They can be tasty too.

Think Much?

Sometimes I think I'm not productive enough. 

Not artistic enough. 

Not interesting enough. 

Sometimes I think I don't get out enough.

I don't have enough friends.

The phone doesn't ring enough.

Have I become out of sight, 

out of mind?

Sometimes I think life is passing me by.

Sometimes I think I can't even try.

Sometimes, I think no one really gives a shit.

Sometimes, I think I think  too much.

That's it.

I stop.

I become a giant me and put on my construction boots.

I stomp on all these self-defeating thoughts

that scuttle around the floor of my life.

I step over them.

And out the door.

I accept my life as it is,

and revel in the morning air.

Join a gym.

The sofa has become too sore.

Dismantle my garden.

No one else will do it.

Take a photograph.

How does life look

through it?

Go have a coffee. Talk to a stranger.

Bring along my sketch book.

Smile.

At the danger

of putting myself 

out there.

As

I tower over the ant hills 

of my problems

and enjoy the vista.

I'm in sight

and out of my

mind.

You've Got the Guns But Not the Ammo

Okay, confession time. I watched the Season 11 Premiere of Dancing with the Stars. I wanted to see the line-up...

And an interesting one at that...

In sports, we had NFL quarterback, Kurt Warner and Los Angeles Laker alum Rick Fox towering over their partners, as they did their best not to trample the women and take some slats off the hardwood floor. In this match, Warner won by a slight margin. Their dancing was shrek, but they both had a certain charisma.

In politics, Bristol Palin took over her mother's love of the public eye, when she made her appearance on the dance floor to do a fairly decent cha-cha transformation from business attire to tassels.. What surprised me is that I actually liked the girl's spunk. I'll try not to hold her progenitor against her.

In breaking news, Michael Bolton and David Hasselhoff did their best to rep men in showbiz but seemed to have picked up planks for legs to support their two left feet; and nearly broke their partners. They made Kurt  and Rick look like ballroom pros.

Audrina Partridge from The Hills, Brandy, and Kyle Massey, a child star that hasn't been in the public eye since, lead the pack of B-List celebs who did a pretty decent job dancing. I can't comment on anything else they did because I'm not a fan. Of the three, I liked Massey's energy the best; Audrina surprised me the most, and Brandy dove headlong into the competition like it would save her career.

The once Carol Brady, Florence Herderson wowed me with the amount of F Bombs she dropped! Gotta respect a 76 year old with a potty mouth and great legs. Nuff said! :)

In comedy, Margaret Cho did her interpretation of the Crazy Madam Butterfly Waltz. I found it hilarious and  unexpectedly graceful. The judges were not amused that they turned such a serious dance into a comedy act. I guess they don't realize this show isn't about saving orphans in a battered country.

But whatever.

Speaking of comedy, Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino from Jerkey Shore was one of the contestants. He only had 5 days to rehearse because he had to wrap up this season of drinking, dissing women, and running off his mouth. That didn't stop his performance from being the highlight of the night for me. Not because of his dancing, but because of the judges' comments which I usually fast forward through. When, he tried to be smart with the lead judge, Len Goodman countered, "You've got the guns but not the ammo." I love you Len. Yes I do!

The winner of the evening's scoring was Jennifer "Baby" Grey who doesn't in the least resemble the awkward girl from Dirty Dancing because of the work done on her nose. She broke down during rehearsals when they heard that the song they would be dancing to was the one she danced with Patrick Swayze.  This didn't stop her from pulling off a charming performance, proving that nobody will be putting her in the corner.

Will I be watching again? Truthfully, it's kind of painful watching how awkward a lot of them are on the dance floor, but if Len keeps those lines coming, I might have to skip the dancing and watch what he has to say.

Jerkey Shore

So, how pathetic is it that I'm actually excited my shows are premiering this week? After spending the entire summer transcribing Big Brother feeds, I am aching for some good ole drama, some comedy. Something not real. Something that admits to being scripted.

Oh, I still have my reality and competition shows.

I'm an avid So You Think You Can Dance fan, making sure to catch both the American and Canadian versions. Watching the dancers evolve through some of the stunning choreography throughout the season is exciting. Some of the judges I can do without, but they aren't enough to deter me from watching. Whoever invented the PVR is my hero. Skip.

I watched a season of Kitchen Nightmares only because I mostly like to finish what I've started; but there is altogether way more yelling and abuse than cooking. So I won't be a return customer. Master Chef is supposed to be a much nicer version. so maybe I'll catch it if it returns.

The Top Model shows are great for a laugh, but altogether too irritating to sit through. They should rename it Catty Stick Figures with IQs of Bananas. Meow. That was petty catty of me. Maybe I watched one too many episodes. I have to admit it was like watching a science experiment unfold. How will she make it through this Look See or photoshoot intact? I mean it's so trying being young and thin and interesting-looking.

Survivor and Amazing Race are absolutely fascinating to watch. The challenges are astounding. The human drama piecemeal unlike BB. Outwit, outlast, outplay. Yes please!

I watched one season of Dancing with the Stars, though ballroom dancing is meh to me. I saw it through, but it was irritating that they had a professional dancer and skater amongst celebrities with two and sometimes more left feet. Guess who won? Is the suspense killing you... not so much?

I've tried all the versions of Bachelor/ette/Pad and stopped because it was tainting the whole concept of love and relationships.

I'm still a fan of The Apprentice. I love the challenges and seeing how well I would do in them. I love watching corporate type peeps getting all Jersey Shore on each other.

Which brings me to Jersey Shore. A couple of my colleagues were talking about how great it is, so I set my PVR and recorded an episode to watch.

Seriously?

First of all, there's something intrinsically weird when they need English subtitles for people speaking "English". Granade.

Secondly, if I wanted to watch spoiled men in wife beaters treating women like room service personnel, I would've stayed married. "I treat some women very well," chimes one Jerkey Shorite. Some women? Some?

Thirdly, I thought those hair styles went out in the 90's or is it 80's?

I cannot believe that a bunch of yo-yos who have nothing better to do than party, eat, shop, boink and complain have become famous. Seriously? I'd rather watch Chef Ramsay's face get steaming raw while screaming at some cowering sous chef...

A Time for Change...

Hello Everyone!

During my long absence from my personal blogging, I have been thinking about what direction I want to take. I love this blog and what I have achieved with it, it's time for some change. That doesn't mean I will be deleting or stop using this blog; but it will organically transmute into what it wants to be. When I figure it out...

For the time being, I have decided to focus my attention on the one thing that has been preoccupying my days, and thoughts and energy - school or scruel as I have begun to call it.

As some of you might know... I have been working on a book deconstructing the whole education system, and with that goal in mind, I have created a new blog.

I would love for you to join me and I am looking forward to your insights, experiences and reactions!

So without further ado, I present you:

The Scruel Chronicles

Forgive Me. It Has Been Months....

...since my last online confession!

Life's linemen have dogpiled me; and I've been having a hell of time trying to get out from under them. Not that I have succeeded, as I am doing summer school again this year so that I can finally put down a real floor in my basement.

Imagine that. I will have a whole other floor to use. Heck, maybe I can actually fit more than three people in one room at a time!

Heavens! I might even get a social life again... :)

I would love to report exciting things, and fantastical happenings but alas, I have been chugging along, one manic step at a time.

I would love to reconnect with all of you. I would adore to take the time not just to read your blogs which I do occasionally, but to actually, GASP, comment! As it is, I thought I would post something brief to reassure those of you who are wondering what the heck happened to motor blogger... (BUG HUGS to Linda and Judi!). Believe it or not I think of you often! And I will come by your blog homes and leave some blog love soon! I will also be blogging for Big Brother Dish Chicks!

In case you're wondering I added comment moderation on older posts (namely all of them except this one...lol) because the evil spammers found me. Le sigh! :)

Just one more month and I will be free to be just human again. Sigh... Until then my lovelies!

Judgsicle

It's almost 11 pm; and I had a choice between going to bed, or writing. So, I sit here at my computer, with water and thoughts milling in my head.

Next door, my neighbors are celebrating a birthday in the backyard. They are loud and boisterous. I let the first wave of irritation wash away. I let the negative pass over me. Begrudging them their celebration, no matter how much it's disturbing my train of thought, is beneath me. Judging them because of the drinks they're drinking, and their loud laughter is just plain petty.

Party on dudes.

I think about judgment. The good of it and the bad of it.

And whether our judgments define us.

It is wise to use judgment when assessing new or difficult situations. "Use your best judgment,"they say. Does one buy new clothes one does not need, or does one pay off debt? Will one get more pleasure wearing a new outfit? Of course. Will one get more satisfaction knowing there is less to pay off? No doubt. We can't have our skirt and new furnace too. Decisions need to be made, judgments need to be formed. Sometimes quickly.

Then there is judicial judgment. We count on it's objectivity and fairness, even though at times it rankles our morality. Sometimes judgment sticks in our craw. Sometimes going by the book, by facts alone, bereft of emotion, is necessary. Sometimes, it's not. Emotion is a big part of who we are as human beings. But judgment and emotion don't eat at the same table.

Too much emotion makes judgment, judgmental. It's like going mental. If you're observant, and sometimes even if you're not, you can hear the judgmental in the tone and syntax of statements, aimed to put others in their place.

"Some of us have better things to do."

"That's one hour you can never get back in your life."

"Do you really need to buy another skirt?"

"Don't you think you've had enough?"

"Is that all you did this weekend?"

Why does the word "loser" seem to be a silent member of those sentences? Riding the air of those sentences like a churlish fiend, snickering behind its hand, offering us a big bitter bite from the judgsicles he is selling.

Judgmental scrutiny is often aimed at those of us who do not hide. Those of us who put our true selves out there. Sometimes those statements make hiding a safe idea. Maybe putting ourselves out there is not a very wise thing. Not using our best judgment.

I often think about the times I have caught myself being judgmental. They are not my finest moments. Yet, in acknowledging them, I make myself more aware. In being aware, I force myself to be more fair. More objective. I find myself using good judgment the next time. Or the time after that. After all, I am not perfect.

Far from it. :)

So, I pledge that I will serve people fewer judgcicles. Or at lease try. And when they offer them to me, I will politely decline. Yeah. That sounds like a plan.

Splendiferous Cocoon

There comes a time when the line between the possible and impossible must be drawn. A time to know which battles to retreat from and which to take on. There comes a time when a settled peace must reign, in order to restore direction and sanity. A time to let go, and move on. With less luggage, with fewer expectations, with muted longing.

The turmoil that accompanies striving toward a goal, a goal that cannot be attained no matter how many wishes you make, no matter how many visualizations you conjure, no matter how many intentions are good, must cease. And in that moment, you feel your breath coming in more easily; you feel your muscles relax, your mind unclench.

I have been in a cocoon of seething confusion, going through a tumultuous and often painful process of reshaping my life, untying my expectations, letting go of my perceptions of the unfinished and of failure.

I have numbed my senses so that my brain can use all its stores to work out the problem at hand. The problem that we face at crucial junctures in our lives. The question of: what now?

And the answer came slowly but clearly.

Now.

I dumped all the toxins that my heart and mind have been accumulating, and cleared my vision for the road before me.

This might sound very nebulous, but now with my vision cleared, and my mind off its self-imposed manic merry-go-round, I find myself at peace with my decision and with who I am.

And what of me?

I am a person who speaks the truth in the moment even if it makes others uncomfortable. I refuse to feel guilty for their discomfort because it is born from a habit of subterfuge. I have come to understand that most people find it impossible to speak out in the moment, to address the issue at hand. The answer to the real game of Clue has been: behind closed doors, with half truths, gossip and innuendo. The funny thing is that nothing ever is kept secret. All closed doors have an ear attached to them, listening. Listening. I would rather face the person than her back.

In my so called professional career, I have been targeted because of the fact that I will not sugar coat the truth or the situation. I will not bow down in hypocrisy. When the public punishment came, when I became an example to all that speaking your mind carries dire consequences, even in a society that defends freedom of speech and ideology, I knew that my truth hit home. And when my indignation and anger subsided, I realized that I had won. That even when the worst could happen, I was intact. I am intact.

And so is the truth.

So, I am here blogging. Not about a creative venture I have undertaken, or about a silly show I watch to numb my senses, but about survival.

And to give thanks. Thanks to those of you who have taken a moment of your time to come read, and to give me your support and your lovely words. Your very presence in this world gives me hope. Because you are fabulous.

Life goes on, and as I step over the remnants of my cocoon, bringing with me only the feeling of OM, of Zen, of Je m'en fous. I carry your words with me like a talisman.

Blog Interrupted

I have reached a blog crisis. Every time I think about my blog, I am riddled with guilt. Guilt that I am not keeping up with it. Guilt that I am not visiting my blogging buddies even though I think of you often. Guilt that I am not writing/sharing anything meaningful.

As I watch my followers dwindle, I am overtaken with a sense of loss. Why wouldn't people stop following? What's to follow? I have reduced my blogging to writing about a show I am not that into and which, in the grand scheme of my life, means nothing. And the guilt rages on.

I make resolutions to write every day. And I do write every day. Just not on my blog. I can only share my book when I have secured copyright. We all know that no matter how many copyright laws are in place, people routinely and blithely steal off the internet. Images, words, songs, movies. The list goes on.

The fact remains that my life is in turmoil right now. I am in a holding pattern, focusing on one step at a time. I have been beaten down, and though I am not one to cave, it has taken its toll on me. Many mixed metaphors here.

My life has become a mixed metaphor.

Around me lie bits and pieces of my projects, dreams, goals. Scrap book stickers, beads, and watercolors. I start a project and wander off into my catatonia. I cannot sustain a thought long enough to express it properly.

I stumble over my words.

Yes, I still laugh and make others laugh. Yes. I reach out to my friends. Yes. I pour my creativity into my lessons. Into my passion.

But right now. I am a woman in a Picasso painting. I am a mosaic of splintered pieces of what I have been and I am transforming. Slowly. Taking bird steps. Shaking my wings.

Which brings me back to this blog.

I have been teetering on the brink of deleting it. With the need to step away from the guilt it is generating, I have been wondering whether it is best to make a clean break.

But I miss you all. I miss your stories of empowerment, and struggle, and victory. I miss your art, your children, your words. Yet, I do not come to your door. Because I will come with empty hands and an empty mind.

So I apologize. That I have not been present. That I have not come to visit you and spread seeds of joy like I used to for a long time. I still care about you, think about you, and love you.

Blessed be. :)

Insane Reality

What is reality anyway? Is any two people's reality the same? They can experience the identical but perceive it from different lenses, lenses honed by the unique grouping and chemical reaction of their experiences, bias, and feelings.

On Celebrity Apprentice, Mr. Trump expressed his perplexity at the fact that the women did not make as many tips as the men, given that "many of [them] are beautiful." Gee Donald, aren't you special. His bias came tumbling out of his big mouth easily. Cyndi Lauper gave him GPA directions on where to go and she didn't back down. She set him straight when he started in on Rosie O'Donnell; she made sure he saw her supreme distaste at his language; and she wouldn't quiver under his overbearing. loutish demeanor. Trump might be a powerful, filthy rich entrepreneur, and Lauper might be an entertainer, but my wholehearted respect lies with the latter.

Tonight, the final 12 sing on AI. I have been wrestling with the thought of skipping it. I don't know how much of the "judging" I can take, but I committed to it, so I will see it through.

Speaking of judges. I was watching ABDC (America's Best Dance Crew) on Sunday; and as I listened to the judges' give the crews notes, I was struck by the contrast between them and the panel on AI. On ABDC, the judges give the crews constructive criticism and observations, specific details and areas to focus on. There are no personal attacks on the contestants, no jeering commentary, no jokes at their expense. The judges on AI can take some pointers from them....

Tonight, they sing Rolling Stones. This might be painful...

Speaking of painful, they brought back the human interest stories. Time to feel manipulated. Why can't they just focus on the singing?

Michael Lynche sings "Miss you." He starts with his now signature falsetto; and sprinkles it liberally with some funk. Will this cause Kara to blubber again? Randy babbles on, and concludes that Mike "slayed it". Ellen is on board with the praise. Kara spills all she knows about the Stones. Simon is being honest again, calling his dancing "corny" and "desperate." WTF? Ryan tries to clarify what Simon said; Simon gets crusty; and Ryan, my new personal hero, gets right in his face. It was the best spectacle this show has offered this season!

Thankfully, I will be getting a PVR. I will relish the fast forward option. :)

Didi Benami sings "Playing with Fire". She is dressed in black, and is darkly dramatic. This is her most animated performance to date. Randy drools. Ellen bubbles. Kara simpers; and Simon babbles.

Casey James sings "It's All Over Now" spinning it into a country tune. Though it isn't my favorite genre of music, I must give him props for riding that song like a seasoned cowboy. They will probably need to scrape Kara off the floor. Randy is excited. Who cares? Ellen is hysterically funny. Kara... blah blah... soul... blah. Simon doesn't agree. Calls it an audition performance without using the stage. His contract must state that he has to disagree at intervals, or he is just crusty.

Lacey Brown tackles "Ruby Tuesday". Cue violins. This interpretation is highly ill-advised. There is Mozart; and there are the Stones. The twain should never meet. She went off key in several places; and confused the heck out of me. Randy says something. Ellen advises her not to go to the Grand Canyon because she loves to sit on the edge of things. Kara goes 50/50. Simon says he was trying to think it through while she was performing. I hope he didn't sprain anything.

Andrew Garcia's rendition of "Give Me Shelter" is just a shot away. His singing is powerful and passionate. But, meh. The judges commentary has managed to delete everything that is unique about him. Randy brings out the "pitchy" from his bag of tricks. Ellen thinks it was his best performance yet. Kara wants to feel war. Ridiculous. Simon asks her if she wanted him to come on stage with a tank. LOL! Two points for Simon.

Katie Stevens chose "Wild Horses" hoping it's the most current of the "old" songs. There she is on the stool, in a dress most 5 years olds wear, making the Stones sound Celine Dion. The horror. She has such amazing range in her vocals; but she needs coaching on her vocals and her stage persona. Randy acknowledges that they gave her a lot of misdirection. Then I stopped listening. Their comments were like wilted lettuce.

Tim Urban aka the fourth Jonas Brother sings "Under My Thumb" in Reggae beat. I have never disliked a reggae tune, until tonight. Seriously? He might as well put on a tight dress and sing "Happy Birthday Mister President". Randy thinks it bizarre. Ellen boos herself, saying she feels like she was at a resort. Piña Colada... Mmm! Kara shows her bias and applauds him for doing something different. How about you applaud everyone who does so, Kara? Simon says it didn't work, and Stones fans would be turning off their TVs. I came very close, Simon. Very close.

Siobhan Magnus belts out "Painted Black". She looks and sounds spectacular. She is deliciously dramatic. My skin has filled with goosebumps. I am looking at a star. As far as I am concerned, this was the first performance of the night. What other contestants? Randy and Ellen loved it. Kara compares her to Adam Lambert. Simon calls it the stand-out performance of the night. Not even they can deny the brilliance of Siobhan. :)

Lee Dewyze is up next with "Beast of Burden". He sings it in a very Lee Dewyze, laid back, authentic way, with his raspy strong voice. Randy thinks it was "dope". Ellen compares it to a hospital gown, not completely together. Oh Ellen, I heart thee. Kara wants to celebrate his growth. No comment. Simon thinks Lee needs to let his personality to come through more.

Paige Miles has chosen "Honky Tonk Woman". She maintains a very bluesy country feel throughout the song. Very supersonic. The person who suggested her wardrobe, however needs to be fired. Gray shorts jumper with black tights and brown boots. Not good. Randy thinks she pulled it out. Whatever that means. Ellen says she has presence on stage. Kara's comments are irrelevant. Simon and Randy didn't know she had laryngitis. What show do they work for?

Aaron Kelly starts off on the stairs with his version of "Angie" which is adequate. The kid has a very good voice, but the stage swallows him up. Which leads me to my strong belief that they need to not let anyone on under 18. They need time to season. Not that at 18, they are seasoned enough, but they need more time. Randy could hear Justin Timberlake. Turn off your iPod Randy. Ellen called it one of the stand-out performances of the night. Really? Kara and Simon give him props.

Last is Crystal Bowersox who takes on "You Can't Always Get What You Want". Gotta love the make-overs at this point. Crystal is very talented and sounds the most professional of all the contestants. The crowd loves her and so do the judges. Even if she doesn't sing that well, they will praise her. They are kinder in their tone toward her, while they slam others for the same things.

Well, that's all I wrote this week for AI.

Who do I think should say their goodbyes? Tim Urban for sure. It will be a toss up between Paige, Katie and Didi.

Until next week! :)