But I do enjoy good food. I appreciate an accomplished home-cooked meal preferably shared with others. Sushi makes me drool every time. Fruit is beautiful. Salads (i.e. greens with a vinaigrette) are for the birds unless you add a lot of unsalad things to them like nuts, exotic fruits, cheeses and meats; in which case they stop being salads but garnished meals. A bit of cheese, some warm bread, sliced cucumber and a glass of wine are heavenly.
But...
I don't sit at home downing chocolate bars and tubs of ice cream. I have never eaten a whole cake or a bag of chips at one sitting. I don't eat salads in public and go home to jowl through a pan of lasagna and fritters. I don't lose sleep at night planning what I'm going to have for breakfast. Most of the time I make my own food and choose the healthier option.
I'm not a closet eater. If I feel like a burger, like I did yesterday at lunch, I have one. Yes, with fries. This isn't something I do frequently or even often. I'm not a self-righteous salad eater. I don't play with my food. I eat it. I am not what I eat. I'm me. Not perfect, but not completely flawed.
I refuse to be a closet eater, ridden by guilt with every bite I take. I see the looks of judgment when I choose to eat a burger in public.Those who like to pigeon-hole think they know why I'm fat. They don't know anything. I refuse to feel guilty even though everything in the society I'm living in pushes guilt on me. I'm fat; but I'm not stupid or ugly or lonely or unsuccessful.
Parenthood: (Goofy man to gorgeous woman) "You can't be lonely! Are you around blind people?"
Hellcats: (Vapid cheerleader to equally vapid friend.) "What if this is it? What if this is all I get? What if after this I'm unsuccessful or fat or poor?"
The Talk: (Hostess) "He's a little pudgy, but cute."
Those are the preconceptions that the media filters into our subconscious. It's only sensible that ugly people be lonely, and inconceivable that a hot babe experience loneliness. Being fat is equated with lack of success and poverty. Only skinny people are successful and financially stable. On the plus side (pardon the pun), it's remotely possible for someone to be marginally attractive if they're overweight.
That's our uphill battle. We have to overcome the negative stereotypes fostered by all corners of society. We have to look past the appalling judgment perpetrated by the media while trying to feel some sense of empowerment about who we are. We have to overcome the sense that we deserve to be marginalized, ridiculed and judged just because we don't look the way we're "supposed" to.
This is my struggle that isn't made easier with others' judgment or the media's underhanded prejudice.
This struggle won't be won by turning myself into a rabbit. That's not healthy. I must release the guilt and negative feelings that I've ingested throughout my life; and, hopefully, in releasing the anger, hurt, resentment, and self-loathing, I will become lighter. I'm not fat because I eat too much. My body has become the repository of all the toxins I've been force-fed by others. It's time to stuff them into the closet, and seal the door.
No comments:
Post a Comment