The Winter of My Discontent

This winter, I have been transported to a wintry tundra. Outside my windows, I see mounds of hardened snow everywhere. Yards are buried. Houses are cocooned. Cars are perched precariously on floes of snow and ice. People are bundled within an inch of their lives.

And I'm at home thinking. Thinking that I'm done with solitude. Though I enjoy my own company, I would like to live in someone else's. Hermetic life is indeed uncomplicated. I don't have to check with anyone what he wants for dinner or what they want to watch on TV. I can come home, take a shower, get into fresh, cotton jams and do some surfing while eating a bowl of soup, or watch my favorite trash TV and a chow down on a  salad. Or, if I feel like it, I can wear something silky, make a nice meal, have a glass of wine and get lost in a good book. Better yet, if the mood strikes me, I can blast some music and bust some dance moves.

It sounds ideal to those who are surrounded by others 24/7, but sometimes, the silence echoes with; "Surely this isn't it? Surely there's more to life than this?" I want to prepare a meal with someone, for someone, and wear something other than pajamas at night. I want to have a conversation about some silliness in the news or the nutty events that happened during the day. I want to hear myself laugh out loud.

Make no mistake, I do socialize with friends, but it's not the same. I can fill my nights with plans no problem, and it will take the edge off the solitude, but it won't change the day to day reality. When I come home, my cat will greet me; and though I love my four legged son, he can't fill the human need for intimate companionship. Holding hands, sharing a smile, discussing politics.

It makes no sense to want one thing and actively do nothing about it. I can't find someone or be found if I' m hiding away... The truth is I'm stumped as to what to do. It's not like you can grab a rod and some bait and find someone. Well, not someone lasting. I've tried online dating, bars, meet up groups, etc. It's resulted in a feeling of deflation. I want to kick whoever came up with the adage: there's someone for everyone. Good luck finding him, should be added to that.

Sometimes I like to watch television as a backdrop to my thoughts. Oddly, on occasion, the characters on a show mirror my thoughts. "You can't make any friends," a TV mother counsels her son, " if you don't go anywhere. You got to get out there and meet people." Wise words, that startle me into thinking she's talking to me. Of course, the problem is that wise words or not, it's a fictional situation. The son doesn't go anywhere but a kid who just moved in to the apartment downstairs  pops up on the fire escape and they become friends. Way to contradict yourself person who's writing these things!

So I'm making a Valentine's resolution. I will make red paper hearts, write messages of love on them and scatter them around the city. It's not a practical or efficient way of finding love, but it's a great way of spreading some of it. And who knows, maybe someone great will pop up on my metaphorical fire escape. :)