The Mighty R

Sometimes, I have the urge to retreat inside myself because the world is too much to handle. In the past, this would be accompanied by a sense of guilt because I felt like I was being antisocial or a recluse. However, when I'm feeling that my social interactions are taking chunks out of me, this is the wisest move. I have learned to leave the quilt outside the door with the rest of the world clamoring to dump its various agendas and needs at my feet.

In those times, I need to regroup myself and find the core of my being. In crisis mode, the panic sets in and I cannot think clearly. I need to focus on my breath and listen to the meaning in the pauses. I often judge myself and my life by other people's standards; and it is at that time that I most need to find the core meaning in my life, the way it is, not the way I wish it to be.

In consequence, when I find my center, and have stopped beating up myself over things I truly cannot change, I move on to rethink my next steps. I form a plan of action that makes sense for me, not anyone else. I compile a list of must haves, cannot haves, will not do withouts, and will not accept. I place them in perfect little piles pondering on each and every one. Saying goodbye.

The crucial next step is to release all expectations imposed on me by others, expectations that I have adopted as my own, expectations that have grafted themselves onto my soul and burdened it with their impossibility. I watch them as they burn or float into the air, my breath getting easier with the disappearance of each one.

Feeling lighter, I can revive myself, recharged with the new center, uncluttered by guilt and failure and loss.

That's when I can re-enter the world,
my true self,
without the layers of crud,
detoxified
and ready to meet the world again.