Splendiferous Cocoon

There comes a time when the line between the possible and impossible must be drawn. A time to know which battles to retreat from and which to take on. There comes a time when a settled peace must reign, in order to restore direction and sanity. A time to let go, and move on. With less luggage, with fewer expectations, with muted longing.

The turmoil that accompanies striving toward a goal, a goal that cannot be attained no matter how many wishes you make, no matter how many visualizations you conjure, no matter how many intentions are good, must cease. And in that moment, you feel your breath coming in more easily; you feel your muscles relax, your mind unclench.

I have been in a cocoon of seething confusion, going through a tumultuous and often painful process of reshaping my life, untying my expectations, letting go of my perceptions of the unfinished and of failure.

I have numbed my senses so that my brain can use all its stores to work out the problem at hand. The problem that we face at crucial junctures in our lives. The question of: what now?

And the answer came slowly but clearly.

Now.

I dumped all the toxins that my heart and mind have been accumulating, and cleared my vision for the road before me.

This might sound very nebulous, but now with my vision cleared, and my mind off its self-imposed manic merry-go-round, I find myself at peace with my decision and with who I am.

And what of me?

I am a person who speaks the truth in the moment even if it makes others uncomfortable. I refuse to feel guilty for their discomfort because it is born from a habit of subterfuge. I have come to understand that most people find it impossible to speak out in the moment, to address the issue at hand. The answer to the real game of Clue has been: behind closed doors, with half truths, gossip and innuendo. The funny thing is that nothing ever is kept secret. All closed doors have an ear attached to them, listening. Listening. I would rather face the person than her back.

In my so called professional career, I have been targeted because of the fact that I will not sugar coat the truth or the situation. I will not bow down in hypocrisy. When the public punishment came, when I became an example to all that speaking your mind carries dire consequences, even in a society that defends freedom of speech and ideology, I knew that my truth hit home. And when my indignation and anger subsided, I realized that I had won. That even when the worst could happen, I was intact. I am intact.

And so is the truth.

So, I am here blogging. Not about a creative venture I have undertaken, or about a silly show I watch to numb my senses, but about survival.

And to give thanks. Thanks to those of you who have taken a moment of your time to come read, and to give me your support and your lovely words. Your very presence in this world gives me hope. Because you are fabulous.

Life goes on, and as I step over the remnants of my cocoon, bringing with me only the feeling of OM, of Zen, of Je m'en fous. I carry your words with me like a talisman.