Delirium

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It's been quite the challenge getting through these couple of weeks with a virus that has robbed me of sleep and breath. I am operating in a working daze, going through each day at minimum capacity.

Yet getting through each day.

I have had to prioritize my to-do's, and alter some into do-laters. That's just the way it is. Pare down. Get by. Move on.

I have been floating in a nebulous membrane that cannot distinguish between the events of fiction and reality. My dreams are laced with scenes from the novel I am reading (Day Watch by Sergey Lukyanenko), movies I watched recently (Cake Eaters), and television shows (Heroes). It's like another has taken over the filming, and I'm cycling through someone else's interpretation of my life.

The soundtrack at the moment? Red Hot Chili Peppers - Higher Ground. I'm in an alt-rock mood. It goes with my altered state. Sublime, Linkin Park, Rage Against the Machine, Korn. They galvanize me (Chemical Brothers).

And the beauty of this? No drugs are involved. Not even aspirin.

I have had to be lucid during the day. Try surviving a high school not being absolutely in the moment. Not possible. There has been something in the air since just before March Break, and it ain't pretty. You can taste the violence in the air. Whose bright idea was it to institutionalize teens? Seriously? The best you can hope for is that something penetrates through the haze of hormones and the angst of identity-seeking.

I had one very touching moment yesterday, when one of my students gave me a message from an ex-student of mine. He wanted me to know that I made a difference in his life, and because of me, he is on the right track. My eyes watered. My heart swelled. A moment of pure happiness.

I made a difference. Do you know how rare it is to get such feedback? Students I have cared about and nurtured, kicked in the butt (not literally) and nurtured, move on, mostly never to be seen again. And that's okay. That's life. But this. This is like a candy surprise.

The painting above totally represents my state of mind at the moment. It's a combination of a fractal I made with Apophysis , a textured background I painted and a photo I manipulated.

It's almost 6 am. I have been up for two hours listening to music, painting, and responding to emails, tweets, FB messages. I barely know where I am right now, and I have to get off to work in a couple of hours.

More coffee...

Excuse me. I'm delirious. :)

Tracks of My Tears

Every once in a while, a star is born. A person rises above the crowd, into the zenith of the horizon; and the glow is blinding. How awesome is it, to get to witness this rise to stardom? Adam Lambert is such a person. His performances are smoking TVs everywhere. His rendition of Johnny Cash's Ring of Fire, set the audience on fire, some with admiration, others with derision. He has a uniqueness that is undeniable. He creates controversy which is the true test of an artist. This past week's performance of Smoky Robinson's Tracks of My Tears, brought me to tears. The man is magic.


©Twentieth Century Fox

This epitomizes success to me. The faith in yourself to stand before others, and say, "This is who I am. Without condition. Without qualification. I do this because I love it." To be able to take the criticism and smile gracefully, solid in the conviction of what you do. Solid within your artistic self. Taking the productive and throwing out the petty.

This, the final week of 12 Secrets of Creative Women hosted by the incomparable Jamie Ridler, we are asked to focus on planning our goals.

I plan on being true to myself. I plan on creating from the core of my being, without thinking about who I am pleasing and who I am not, without worrying whether it will be liked or not, successful or not, acknowledged or not.

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I am the mosaic of my experiences, thoughts, emotions, and drives. The joy, the sadness, the failure, the success is all a part of me. I breathe them in, and release them into the world, an expression of me, what I believe, what I hold sacred. If it touches even one other person, then I have achieved my goal.

I love what I do; and I love doing it. The rest is gravy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I would like to take this moment to thank each and every one of you, for sharing your journey with mine, for being here for me through thick and thin, through the sublime and the ridiculous. I treasure you, your experiences, your insight, your incredible love. Thank you for allowing me to shine beside you in the constellation of our lives. Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing of yourselves and your art, for teaching me what the true meaning of success is.

Blessed be :)

In Flight

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Fasten your seat belt ladies and gentlemen, we are about to take off.

Welcome aboard Genie Air!
We are expecting some turbulence, so please keep your seats in the upright position.

If you look to the left you will see the storm moving eastward. They are calling this Hurricane Bullshit. It's raging at a speed of 235 kilometer per ridiculous, and is holding about 2000 kilograms of lost cause.

Don't worry. We are flying away from it.

To your right is sunny skies of possibility, accompanied by balmy breezes of freedom from stupidity.

Our destination: "Get the Hell Out"! There you will find a renewed sense of purpose, restored sleep and creative productivity.

Upon arrival, you will find you are baggage-free. We threw it all out. Who needs old encumbrances? Smell the sweet air of liberation, the light feeling of being weightless. Your steps will be buoyed by new hope, and resourcefulness.

The in-flight movie will be "This School Sucks but You Don't"; a farce about the education system riddled with spineless leaders and pointless ruts. It will make you cry with laughter and relief that this is not your reality.

Dinner will be served in two hours. A healthy meal of serenity with a side order of self-confidence. For dessert, we will be serving hot money pie topped with whipped cream.

Speaking of money, our lovely flight attendant of Wishes, Jamie Ridler, will play the visualization game, "What is your money wish?" To start you off, I will give you my answer.

I wish to make enough money to allow me to pursue a life under my own conditions. I would like to have the luxury to make my visions come true in a creative and productive way. I want to work with people I choose, and answer to no one who is lacking in intelligence, vision, compassion, and humanity.

I embrace the freedom, not to think about money, and do the things I have always been longing to do.

We have just cleared the storm. Please feel free to unbuckle your seat belts, and recline your seats. Relax, enjoy, and if you snore, we have handy nasal strips for your comfort.

Aloha!

:)

Viral Musings

Dude. This cold has a mind of its own. I have been fighting it, and it has laughed in my face! Little twerp. It landed on me toward the end of my March Break, so I didn't spend my whole holiday sick, but that now means I am back to work, feeling like road kill.

I wanted to stay home yesterday and today; my body ached for it, but there are policies in place about taking days off attached to holidays for the obvious reasons. Besides, I would actually rather be teaching than waiting in a doctor's office to get a note. lol. I can't take today off because we have a leader's meeting after school and I have to be at that.

But tomorrow...

I am setting aside all sense of "duty" and "responsibility" and I am sitting my ass home. I will drink plenty of ginger tea, eat oranges and soup, and lie in bed resting and reading. In other words, take care of myself.

I have to give in to this cold to let it get better.

And that's what life is all about, isn't it?

Sometimes, we get kicked in the butt with adversity. Our first instinct is to deny it. Ignore it. Scream and shout. But that is not very effective. Gotta fight it, by taking care of ourselves through it, and it too shall pass.

Ah.

It too shall pass. :)

Hear Me Roar!

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The thing about life is that it can be so full of misconception. The thing about misconception is that it sticks in people's minds longer than the truth. And sometimes, when seeking to clarify things, they get even muddier.

Knowing this, I want to address some misconceptions.

Acknowledging a problem is not acknowledging weakness, or inability to cope. It means bringing something into the light for inspection. Different people, depending on their perspective will come up with different solutions. That is not to say any one solution is better than any other. However, each person's method of dealing with the problem must be right for him or her. One cannot impose or suggest a solution for another without understanding that this solution is just one of many, that the person may or may not consider.

Here is the thing about me. I refuse to allow a problem to defeat me. I tackle it, until it is solved. I might get tired. I might get frustrated. I might wail at myself for not just walking away. Yet, I cannot walk away without having exhausted every possibility, every venue, every solution. Especially if this problem does not only affect me.

I am a warrior woman. That is something I have accepted about myself. I put on my battle gear, and roaring I jump into the fray and take no prisoners. That is just who I am. I defend the mistreated. I battle for those who cannot. I yell in the face of injustice, until it backs down!

I cannot and will not accept that any obstacle is insurmountable. That any road is blocked. I find a way around it, and surprise the enemy with his pants down, and. I. strike.

That is just who I am.

And I really like myself.

Whether others approve, or agree, or condone, or cheer me on, I like who I am.

I painted the above in PS to depict who I am. I am a lioness; but even more than that, I am a lioness that has had to ingest the qualities of a lion. I have had to become the Alpha Female so that I may survive life and its challenges.

Today, I read a post that shook me to the core. It has brought into light a lot of the gremlins I have been battling, gremlins that over the years I have internalized. Swallowed whole. This post is so important, it must be read by every woman. When I read Jamie Ridler's post about a movie she saw, Who Does She Think She Is, I felt my mane stand up on end.

I am not less of a woman because I did not conceive and bring forth children into the world. My struggle to be all that I can be is not less challenging. I do not love less. I don't have less compassion. I don't run slower when someone is in need.

I am not less of a woman because I do not have a partner to share a glass of wine with, to mess up the sheets with, to hold his hand and walk through life with. I am not less desirable. I am not less worthy. I don't have fewer needs, or more.

I am not less of a woman because I do not sell my art, or my writing hasn't hit any best seller list. I still create. I still have a voice. I still have something powerful to contribute and display.

Pardon my language.

But I fucking rock! :)

There. I said it.

Oh! How egotistical!

No, darling. It's not ego. It's me acknowledging myself for who I am. I have faults. I can sit here for hours listing them. I have needs. I can bore you with the details. But who gives a damn about those? They are just little stumbling blocks along the way.

I toss my mane, and sprint into the fray that is life, knowing I can do anything I set my mind, my heart, my soul to.

I am woman. Hear me ROAR!

Stop! They stole my serenity!

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This week, in Jamie Ridler's book club 12 Secrets of Highly Creative Women, we are asked to clear whatever steals our serenity. Start with one thing. Like:

• clutter
• toxic people
• toxic situations
• limiting beliefs
• activities you dread
• over-committing
• over-scheduling
• over-stimulation
• perfectionism
• the outdated
• the "undone"
• habits that aren't serving you

Start with one thing?

Okay. Here's the deal... There is one thing that fits all these suggestions. This thing disturbs my moral conscience, my spiritual peace, my emotional balance, my mental well-being, and my health via stress.

And it's the one thing that is the hardest to simply "get rid of" in a week.

And that thing is...

MY JOB!

Good heavens! Here's the breakdown: (hopefully not mine! :>)

clutter: The physical space is a shambles. It's dirty and cluttered with crap. Other people's crap that I do not have the power to get rid of. My friend, who used to be the Assistant Leader of our department, and I did a great job decluttering our office, but the rest of the school... oy!

toxic people: Hello. The place is crawling with them. Unhappy, unreasonable, uncooperative, incompetent, unstable people who just will not communicate in order to affect change. (Not all, but a crucial few.)

toxic situations: Hi, my job.

limiting beliefs: I know it's supposed to be my beliefs that limit me, but I am doing a very good job clearing those. How does one clear others' limiting beliefs?

activities you dread: Getting up in the morning and going to work.

over-committing: The 194786208953 pointless meetings and workshops at work.

over-scheduling: The pile of senseless tasks added to my own workload by the Administration, the Board and the Government.

over-stimulation: The P.A. system which can go off anytime, blaring useless noise and babble. The almost supersonic noise in the halls. The deafening discussions in the office. Everyone talking at the same time over each other, loudly. AHHHHHHHHHH!

perfectionism: Getting through the day in one piece would be perfection.

the outdated: Oh, let me see. Everything? The school calendar, the scheduling, the curriculum really being taught, the way teachers approach teaching, the very philosophy of education is outmoded, outdated, and irrelevant.

the "undone": All the projects I have attempted at the school to better even just a corner of it, being stonewalled and shunted.

bad habits: Going to work. :)

Okay, so yeah. Yuk!

The only thing I like about my job, is the reason I am there, and that is teaching, and my students.

Dude. What are my options?

a) whine about it.
b) change schools where it might or might not be better.
c) make small changes that, really, require too much effort and don't even address the major issues.
d) quit, which would mean being without a job in this economy, and I would stop doing something I love and am good at.
e) stop fighting and become desensitized or insensitive and do the 9 to 5 thing.
f) blow the lid off education as we know it...

Gee. I wonder what Genie will do? ;-)

Swinging into Life

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Spring has sprung and so have I! Even though I am feeling the slight symptoms of a flu coming on (tickly throat, coughity cough, sniffles), I refuse to give in to it! Sorry, I don't have time for you! Go plague another body!

The sun is nurturing my soul and my spirit has been lifted right out of last week's doldrums. I know a lot of this has also to do with the fact that I am not in the pressure cooker that is my place of employment. It's really quite alarming what an awful effect it has on my state of being. I really need to reinforce my barriers so that it does not get to me as much! Or I really need to get out.

Yesterday, I had a meeting with two of the most awesome women I know and have the pleasure and honor of calling friends. They are helping me with my project to infuse the tired education system here with some creativity! It needs this transfusion desperately as it has been languishing in Intensive Care for eons! I will write more on this once it has been solidified. :)

I
am
excited!
!
!

:)

I have also been working on the textbook(s) I have been commissioned to write. I must admit, I was not very enthusiastic when this first fell into my lap, but... I am making lemon cake with it! I have been researching like mad, and have put together an outline that pops! It's chock full of fun and interesting activities! I will actually enjoy writing this :) The theme is Habitats and I have discovered such amazing projects in the works all over the world which gives me hope for humanity. More on this for sure!

Today, I am going to meet up with a friend of mine and her one-year old daughter, Maria! I am so looking forward to squishing, I mean holding, this new human! :) The sun is shining and so am I!

Brilliant!

I hope you are all well, and happy! My prayers are with those of you who need them. I have not forgotten about you, darlings!

Blessed be :)

Full Course Meal

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The above painting in PS was inspired by a poem I wrote the other day while sitting in a coffee shop, and letting myself decompress from stress. It's so nice to be able to just sit and let your thoughts wander, not worried about the time or being anywhere but in that moment. Such focus can bring about revelations that have been waiting in the wings for so long.

Thoughts drift up
like feathers dipped
in memories
and scented dreams
our life it seems
is destined to
change in its hue
to something new
transformed
by tears
enmeshed with time
and seeking fly
united by
a dream
a chance
a furtive glance
just to let go
and go beyond

thoughts travel
very far
beyond the stars
and memories
that carry on
long after chorus of
sweet song
Up they lift
a dented heart
and buoy it far
above the noise
the broken toys
and into joy
like summer breeze
in winter's cloak
whispered love
and gentle stroke
into the arms
awaiting me
in thoughts
in dreams
make clear the blur
of every day
the thoughts that play
a melody
of him and me
of us and we
drift up
to see
the light.

I have been steadily trying to get to that place where all my parts are in sync and functioning as a whole. Mind, body, heart, spirit. The tug of war can be tiring and disconcerting. Focusing in the moment, on every minuscule detail helps. I noticed the pattern the sunlight made on the table. The shadows and pools. I noticed the way the coffee tasted in my mouth, the various flavors that subtly resided in the cup. I noticed the way my spine started to relax and my mind floated along with the pen in my hand. I noticed how the pen felt as I wrote. I noticed each word.

And suddenly, I felt everything melt away. It was not a struggle at all. The struggle has been coming from within me. Suddenly, it all seemed so ridiculous and unnecessary. The confusion, the pain, the worry, seemed so very unreal.

March Break has been just what the doctor ordered so far. I have been reading, catching up with friends and getting out. It's been sunny every day and that helps greatly. I have given myself the time and permission to explore my choices, to assess my strengths and needs. Unhurried and unpressured.

Today, I will be going up to Aurora to work with a friend and co-writer on the books we were commissioned to write. They are not my dream books, but I will make them as dreamy and fun as possible. For one, it will bring in some cash, and for another, it will bring other opportunities.

You see, one of my major dilemmas has been what to do with my writing talent. I have written two novels, but they are not representative of me and who I am. So I let them languish. There are other ideas floating around in my head, but the novel that will truly capture my attention is still waiting in the shadows.

The book that keeps coming back to me is one based on my experience in the chatting world. I spent about five years involved in various chat forums, interviewing people, immersing myself in the "culture", seeing things from a different perspective. In many ways, the experience was enlightening. In others traumatic. I believe I have had enough time and distance from it to be able to write this story. But would anyone be interested in reading it?

I mulled and mused and pondered.

Then, came in the light...

Since I have the luxury these days of going to everyone's blogs and reading everyone else's stories, I came upon this post by Lissa. This particular phrase lit a series of fireworks in my head, "I place my order and send it off to the universe" Aha! Right? It's as simple as that!

I realized that I have been sitting throughout my life with a huge menu in front of me, unable to choose. Unable to sit down and clearly order my meal. Oh, I have made wishes, and intentions, and visualizations. But I had not put in my order!

Sheesh. No wonder I have been so starved!

Well guess what I am doing now? And this goes beautifully with Jamie Ridler's Wishcasting Wednesday! She asks us, "What do you wish to say YES! to?"

Yes! I am placing my order for a full course meal and I am sending it off to the Universe.

Today, I pick from the menu:

• For an appetizer, I would like an order of renewed and solid sense of self, with all my parts united to make a well-oiled, healthy organic goddess.

• For the main course, I would like a career in creative writing/arts that brings in considerable revenue with a huge helping of satisfaction, and a side order of success.

• Accompanying it, I would like a tall glass of community and sharing, bubbling with laughter and enjoyment of every single moment.

• For desert, I would like my soul companion to share a home and a life with, topped with travel, exploration and fun!

• To crown the order, I would like a steaming mug of family and friends that will quench my heart's longing.

Yum!

What would your order be? :)

Ancestors

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Above is a piece that I made in honor of my grandfather and grandmother. I created a sepia background to match the photo's tones, and then I drew an Egyptian landscape from a postcard I got once. The poem, which is on the back of this photo, was written by my grandmother for my grandfather. I attempted to keep the rhyme and rhythm of the original, so it would not be lost in translation. The date on the photo is August 9th, 1921. My father was almost 2 years old.

My grandparents were expatriates of Greek descent living in Egypt. My family on both sides was born and raised in Egypt for three generations. I was the first to be born in Greece. They lived in relative prosperity in Alexandria, Cairo and Port Saïd. The roaring twenties saw much commerce and culture in Egypt that was still mostly under British influence, but had much international traffic. Many Greeks flocked there as Greece was still recovering from centuries of economic and political oppression.

I only know bits and pieces about my ancestors, but I cherish those stories as they connect me to who I am, and where I came from.

I introduce you to my paternal grandparents, and this is their story.

My grandfather was born Timoleon Theophilos in Alexandria in 1879. His surname has the traditional "opoulos" ending but the root of his name is not Greek. It's Spanish. His grandfather, a Spanish nobleman and free-spirit, came to Greece, a Don Quixote of sorts, enthralled by the country's history, and empassioned by it's plight. There he fell in love with a Greek girl and settled for a time in Athens.

This was not the Athens of today, nor the Athens people study in Ancient History. This was an Athens in cultural and physical shambles after 400 years of Ottoman rule, an Athens about to enter a bloody war against its oppressors. My great great grandfather, whose first name I do not know, took his young family, and pursued his connections to Alexandria where they settled and prospered. That is where my great grandfather was born. Third child, and first son.

He fell in love with a girl whose father was also Greek and whose mother was Egyptian. And so the story continues to the birth of my grandfather. Their only son.

He went to the University in Cairo studying Civil Engineering. I have pictures of his graduating class. He married young and had a son named after him. That marriage did not last.

That is when he met my grandmother - Androniki, Penelope. Beautiful, talented, well-educated and only daughter of a well-off Greek family in Alexandria. That is all I know about her past. Except that she was an exceptional woman. A woman who at the turn of the century defied the prescibed mores and married a divorced man, almost twice her age, with a child.

They had only one son - my father Michael, Alkis.

My grandfather died young, and my grandmother Niki, was left to raise my father, on her own. They were left some money, but she needed to supplement it, and she did so by making porcelain dolls. Hand-crafted, hand-painted, with clothes hand-sown and laced. They were all a rage in 30's Egypt which was mostly untouched by the economic depression that plagued many countries.

My grandmother was a poet too. She had published two books. She was a prolific and fiercely independent woman, yet all I have of her is this picture. This poem. So full of her passionate spirit, and loving soul.

I think of them today. Their tale of romance. Their life in a time and country so different from my own, it reads like a fairy tale. Yet they reside in me. And I am very happy, that they are my family.

Textured Self

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This is a piece I have made in PS. It is comprised of a face I drew, textured with various photos I have. Leather and stone for the hair. Canvas and rock for the face. A feather, a veil and some crystals for embellishment. Berries for lips.

I softened the overall image, as I am trying to temper the hard place I am in. The place where self-doubt, self-recrimination, self-sabotage reside.

Today, I am battling with myself and the darkness that has reared its ugly head. It's inevitable that this should happen, as I am becoming more and more exhausted.

Today, I woke up with my heart and spirit trapped in shadows. The dark voices whispered me awake, and I have been waging a war against them for the past two hours, really for weeks now. It's 5:47 am and I have to go to work. I am losing the threads of my sanity today.

Today in the book club of 12 Secrets of Creative Women we are asked to identify and overcome the scarcity (HAH!), and step into the light of abundance.

I won't be adding my link to this week's prompt. I am not in the place of abundance. I am not in that place at all. I feel marginalized. I feel unappreciated. I feel judged. So, I cannot even fake abundance. I wouldn't, even if I could. It would be disingenuous of me to be all hearts and flowers today when I am not feeling it. No matter how much I "visualize" and "wish" and "dream", facts are facts.

Over the past few days and weeks, some things have become apparent to me. That no matter how much I try to connect with most people in my life, the desire is not mutual. It is time that I accept it.

Some friends are too busy to return my calls but can call each other and make plans.
Some friends don't listen when I try to speak, but will listen to each other.
Some students talk over me when I am trying to give instructions, but give other teachers their respect.

It's time I face the facts. The only common thread in those scenarios is me, not them. I say this without self-pity, nor am I looking for pity. Somewhere along the line, I stopped being important to some.

In accepting this, I am releasing the expectations. I will just follow the path my life seems to want to be on and love it, accept it, embrace it. And stop fighting. I cannot make people care enough to pick up the phone. I cannot will friendship. I will just be as I am.

I will embrace this understanding with joy and equanimity. I will continue to support and help and love. I do it, because I want to.

Then, when all is said and done, I will walk on my own, with myself, without need, on the sunlit path of my solitude.

I gain solace from this:

In the blogosphere, I find compassion and support and caring. Some people want to read what I have to write. Some people have the time to respond. And they respond with love. I appreciate this more than I can express.

Blessed be :)

Respect

(Rally for Respect, Mel Lastman Square)

Yesterday, I participated along with thousands of my fellow high school teachers in a rally. We have been without a contract and the negotiations are stalled.

Why you ask?

It's not about money. It's not about benefits. It's about Respect. It's about giving the Principals more power to deploy us as security guards in the schools. The trustees want us to monitor the hallways, stairwells, and cafeterias in the schools. They feel this is a solution to the growing safety concern in some if not most schools. Give teachers more to do. Yeah. Good one.

In our school we have had four fights, that I know of, just this week. One hall monitor got punched in the eye and another one in the ribs.

Alarming isn't it? Especially so when I tell you ours is not an "inner city" school. Why then?

• There are about 300 students more than should be in that school while neighboring schools are under-enrolled.
• There is a reluctance on the part of the administration to involve police as a result of the "progressive discipline" law which was put in place because of racial profiling in some schools.
• There is a growing population of students whose needs are not being met by the curriculum and with whom teachers are ill-prepared to deal.

Anyway, the bottom line is - Houston, we have a problem.

The problem cannot be solved by unleashing teachers into the hallways. What is it that we are trained and allowed to do? Can I take down a student? No. Will the student listen to me if I tell them to cease and desist? No. Will I get punched? Oh hell, no!

As it is, this week I have been working almost non-stop at school and at home, nights and on the weekends, to prepare lessons, mark, prepare grades, call parents, meet with parents, run the department, go looking for a missing projector, counsel students, photocopy, meet with administrators, plan courses.

I am exhausted.

When I am done work, I have turned into a boiled cabbage leaf. I have no energy to do anything other than sit and stare.

I have done no painting. I missed Wishcasting Wednesdays. I am having trouble catching up with my favorite bloggers. I won't even mention that I have no time to go for a coffee or a drink and chill.

And what is my employer telling me after all this? That I am not doing enough. That all my work in preparing interesting and relevant lessons, providing modifications for students, making sure all my students have the requisite skills, making time to tutor and counsel students during lunch and after school is not enough!

I challenge them to come and do a better job, because, honey, I know I can do their job better.

Anyway.

I have a meeting after school today with Publishers. They have contacted me to write two textbooks. That is good news, as that means extra income, and being published. Is it a dream come true? No, but it's a step in the right direction for sure. When will I find the time to do this? Who needs sleep, right?

Dude.

March break cannot come soon enough.

Dream a Little Dream

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First of all I would like to extend a big Thank YOU to Jamie for keeping the dream alive with the monthly Full Moon Dreamboards!

This month Jamie asks, "What if this spring, we softened? What if we let what's within find its way to the surface? What tender dreams would be revealed? "

My immediate response was to paint the above image in PS. In wind, in air, swinging in glee under the loving gaze of the moon. She smiles, she lets go of all care. Can you hear her gleeful giggles? Her joyful abandon of all preconceptions, as she lets the moon guide her? In instinct, in creativity, in power.

As the spring soil stirs with new life,
so I would like to be reborn.
As the day lightens and opens to new possibility,
so I would like to awaken.
As the air quickens with fresh breezes carrying long forgotten dreams,
so I would like to feel.
To feel
To awaken
To be
To be
free of all that tethered me
down
as I rise
UP
to meet life
and all its treasures.

I invoke the beautiful moon's energy to stir sweet life in all of us.

Blessed be :)

Rambling Monday

Above is an image I made in PS. It's inspired by my fascination with graffiti art. Yes, I said it! "Art". A lot of people think graffiti is just "tagging" but it's so beyond that. It's urban art that makes otherwise ugly walls and surfaces beautiful. I have been to several exhibitions of Graffiti Artists in this city. They don't simply display their art, they make it while you stand and watch. There is so much talent there, and the art that unfolds before your very eyes, is stunning.

The moment art becomes prescribed, is the moment it loses it's authenticity. The very essence of art is freedom of expression. So I celebrate rogue art! :)

This weekend, I watched three movies that were absolutely stunning and absorbing - Australia, The Children of Hung Shi, and Bottle Shock. I will be writing reviews for them over at Ola! Moana . Suffice it to say that all three movies not only had stories which grabbed me by the heart strings, they had the most gorgeous cinematography.

Speaking of Ola Moana, and in the light of what we are doing with 12 Secrets of Highly Creative Women, I will be taking this opportunity to ask for HELP!

I need writers for my blogzine, and I know that there are a lot of talented writers in the blogosphere. I cannot keep posting daily; I am barely keeping up with posting on this blog, so I need more contributors! If I can get at least five more people, we each can have a column we publish weekly. It's a tongue-in-cheek blogzine, so humor is welcome. If you're interested please swing by there and grab the email address, and fire off an email.

Today's post is very disjointed and rambling. I have a lot of things on my mind, and a lot of projects I am working on, so I am a little unfocused. It doesn't help that my sleeping pattern is being thrown into a state of chaos once again by the time change. Can I say how much I hate this? I don't understand why we are putting our bodies through this turmoil by shifting times twice a year. It was instituted during World War II for practical reasons, but last I checked that war has been over for decades.

Told you I would be rambling... :) I feel slightly delirious at the moment, so I will put myself and you out of this misery.

I will close by saying THANK YOU to the amazing Beverly over at So This is Wonderland for this wonderful "Triple Award"! Beverly's blog is so full of thought-provoking insight and beauty. Please visit her and spread the love.


This award comes with rules, but I will forgo them this time. This is an award of Great Attitude and Gratitude, and I cannot even pick 10, so I award it to each and every one of YOU! If you love it, grab it; and know I am deeply grateful to the blogosphere for allowing us to cross paths. I have gained great joy and wisdom, insight and delight through your acquaintance!

Blessed be :)

Reject Rejection

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I painted the above in PS to go with the Leah's theme in CED Challenge. Several layers went into this, as I was working to create a nebulous textured look. Like my dreams.

I have been working with my dreams the past few days. I am still having trouble remembering them. I was starting to worry, and then I let go. Because really? I will remember a dream when I need to. Obviously right now, I don't. It doesn't help that I have a 12 pound furball meowing me awake every morning! :)

But.

I will not allow this to become a roadblock or another cause for failure. Which brings me to my other online endeavour...

We are in week 9, of the wonderful Jamie's 12 Secrets Book Club, and the topic in this chapter is Roadblocks and Rejection.

Yuck!

Very few of us have not experienced these. The very frustrating "Do not pass Go. Do not collect 200 dollars." Pooh.

Rather than deal ad nauseum about my many, many, many (did I mention many?) roadblocks and rejections, I think it might be helpful for myself and anyone reading to discuss dealing with them. Here are some of my strategies.

The Cocoon and Wallow

This is where we curl up into a ball, preferably with a blanket, a box of tissues, and ice cream. We go over and over this latest stumbling block or heartbreaking devastation, crying and numbing our insides with the cool stuff. Soap operas may or may not be involved.

This might be okay for a short period. It's a time to regenerate and restore. But if it's prolonged, then it becomes this self-fulfilling prophecy of doom. Statements like "I will never make it"; "I suck"; "No one wants what I have to offer" start to play like broken records in our heads. The creepy gremlins have a street party in honor of our demise. This is when it's time to let go of the self-pity, and kick some butt.

The Theseus Method

This is where we arm ourselves with self-confidence and will power, and circumvent the maze of roadblocks in search of the Minotaur. You know the beast. It's the one that whispers words of discouragement and defeat. Roaring with laughter at us and our pathetic misery. Two swift maneuvers of our trusty sword, and we have defeated that form of rejection.

Rejection, I have found, after MUCH experience has nothing to do with me or whatever it is I am offering, but in the inability of the person doing the rejecting to see my Fabulousness. It's all them and not me. I have learned not to take rejection as a label of my worth. After all, why give the other person all this power to determine how worthy or talented we are? Who are they to judge? Reduce them to what they are - incidental minotaurs on our route to fulfillment. I take the helpful constructive criticism and use it as a self-help tool. I take anything unproductive out and burn it.

The Odysseus Method

This is where roadblocks and obstacles have lead us hopelessly off track until we are totally off course. There are one-eyed monsters to slay, sirens to avoid, hags to outsmart, and men to turn out of pigs. We get tired and want to give up, for the end does not seem to be anywhere in sight. We seek out to cocoon and wallow.

However.

Roadblocks are just the Universe's way of diverting our route to a better direction. Through roadblocks we discover scenery we would not have seen had we stayed on course; we experience things and events and people we would not have encountered had we not been diverted. Roadblocks are just detours which are the most primal forms of adventure and exploration. Just ask Odysseus.

The Little Train Method

This is where no matter how many odds are against us, no matter whether anyone else believes us or in us or not, no matter what the obstacles inside and out, we just blow the crap out of our own horns. We chug, chug, chug and whistle "I think I can. I think I can. I know I can!"

The fact remains, this is the one method we all rely on whether we know it or not. If we did not love what we do; if we did not believe in ourselves despite the minotaurs and the gremlins, we would lie down somewhere and whisper "give." Yet. We pick ourselves up. We dust ourselves off. We pick up our brushes, our pens, our needles, our oven mitts. We send our kids off to school and smile at our neighbors, and take out the trash. We put away the blanket and the ice cream, and take our faithful companions out for a walk.

The Genie Sea Method

Or.

"Screw you! I know my worth." and smile method.

If we can't dropkick a roadblock, we can go around it. Even the Great Wall of China has a beginning and an end to it. There really is no such thing as impossible. I knew that when I saw one of my good friends levitate off the ground when I was 18, and under no drug or alcohol influence. If you are a novelist, you will publish if that is what you truly want. If you are an artist, you will sell and display your art, if that is what you truly want.

If that is what you truly want.

Reject Rejection.

Blessed be :)

Help

Our wonderful and every abundant tender of wishes, Jamie asks us today:
What help do you wish to receive?

What came instantaneously to mind is:
"I wish for help in my renovations!"

I am prepping to change around my rooms and some minor renovations are in order. Some moving around of furniture, replacement of doors and light fixtures. I am also getting ready to renovate my garden and make it less onerous to maintain which means streamlining, getting rid of some plants and moving some of them around.

I know I can't do this alone.

In the past, I just hired someone to do these things. It's more money but I won't be placing a burden on anyone to help me. I won't have to ask for help, and frankly put myself in a position to be let down. I have gotten let down a lot.

I think I have mentioned this before, but I used to be someone who did not ask for help. If something needed to get done, I got it done on my own, or hired someone. This didn't come from a sense of pride, but a fear of rejection or disappointment.

I didn't become so fiercely independent overnight. Life made me this way. After many experiences where disappointment in people would slap me upside the head, I learned to just get it done myself.

Permit me to illustrate:

When I got a divorce and moved into my new home, I had very little furniture, so I had to buy a living room set and a new desk. Buying furniture seems like an easy thing, but the delivery people just dumped the sofas on their sides in the middle of the living room, and the desk in box, and left. The desk needed assembling. The sofa legs were supported by nailed planks to protect them. I had two hands, and limited tools.

I called a "friend" to ask her for help. She hemmed and hawed, and finally I promised her sushi if she could come over and help me. She finally did. She brought the hammer I asked her for, and stood watching me pry the planks off the legs. She stepped out of the way when I placed the sofa, love seat and arm chair in their places. She promptly fell asleep on said sofa while I was putting a five foot desk together by myself.

She ate the sushi though, and took leftovers home.

Nice.

I think you know why I started hiring professionals - movers, contractors, painters, gardeners, handy-peeps.

Since I took on a position of responsibility at my job, however, I have had to step out of that pattern. There are just way too many things to get done, so I have started asking for some help. And people have not let me down. They have rallied and helped me. And all I did was ask.

That took me by pleasant surprise.

There is a huge difference between the job situation, though, and my personal life. Will I have the courage to ask for help? Several of my friends have homes of their own, projects of their own. They are starting families, and businesses, and new relationships. I am plagued by thoughts that this will be an imposition on them, and a disappointment for me.

I am mulling this in my head : When the weather gets better, I want to have a garden reno party. Participants will be treated to drinks and a barbecue; and they can take whatever plants or clippings of plants they want for their gardens.

As you can see I need help. I wish for help. Will I find the voice to seek it?

Dreams May Come

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As March begins, a new theme begins in Leah's Creative Everyday art-fest - Dreams!

I painted the above in photoshop to represent the ever-illusive, nebulous state of dreams I have been in lately. I know I dream, but because my sleeping patterns have been, to say the least, unpredictable, these dreams escape through my fingers as soon as I open my eyes.

My history with dreams has been a vivid one. I have had cinematic dreams where I am a spy, or am solving mysteries of ghosts, or become embroiled in a passionate love affair, from meeting to parting, from tears to supreme joy. I have directed musicals in my dreams complete with original score.

I have had dreams of terror with serial killers, or monsters chasing me. Those wake me in a cold sweat and don't happen frequently, thankfully.

I have gone in elevators that move sideways and diagonally, or up way beyond the last floor. I have flown in my dreams, and visited realms that can only exist in my imagination. I have spoken languages I don't speak awake.

I dream in color.

I have had prophetic dreams of places, and people and events. I have had dreams of past lives. I have visited with people who are no longer living, in my dreams, and people who have yet to live.

I would sleep in anticipation of what dreams may come.

I need to reconnect with my dreams. It's necessary! I have to make that my intention before I sleep, rather than just fall, exhausted, into my bed. Hopefully through this project, I can settle into dream patterns again. The magical kind, not just the kind where I work out the things that have happened or bothered me during the day.

"To sleep, perchance to dream..." (Hamlet 3.1.73)

Dream sweet my lovelies :)

Thank You :)

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I want to thank you all for your encouragement and support. I am truly blessed and honored to be in such a wonderful Tribe filled with amazing, talented people such as you.

Have a beautiful Sunday and may abundance, love, health and fulfillment shower you each and every day :)

Hugs!