Bi-polar Vision of an "Artist"

(click on image to enlarge)

The subject of what makes an artist has been coming up more and more of late. There is no profile of an artist. There are archetypes out there, ones that some of us feel the need to emulate. But, really? They are just one manifestation of an artist.

Being creative is a need. It's like breathing, as essential. It isn't a life style. People often shy away from calling themselves artists, because they feel they haven't earned their stripes. Well, bullshit.

You don't have to be written up in the New Yorker to be an artist. You don't have to have your art framed in a museum to be an artist. You don't have to be a tortured soul living on bread, painting in some attic to be an artist. You are an artist because your soul has the need to create. An apron, a thank you letter, a mouth-watering cookie, a mixed media piece, a happy environment for your kids. Those are creations that bring joy.

This subject has come up so many times in my life. I never thought I was "good" enough to be an artist. My art is nowhere near the caliber of truly accomplished artists. My figures are almost rudimentary and I am still learning. I have a lot to learn. But I have this yearning to create. To create images. To splatter my feelings all over whatever medium I am working with.

Will my artwork sell at ridiculous prices? Will I be the talk to the town? Do I want those things? I would be dishonest not to say, "Yes!" Who wouldn't?

Does it fuel my art? Hell, no. Life fuels my art. And life can be glorious but it can also be painful. Very, very painful.

I am a writer. I wrote before I could talk. This is who I am. I struggled with this all my life. Why? Because being a writer, I felt compelled to write a novel. That's what writers do, right? Wrong. It took me a long time to realize I am not a novelist. I wrote two novels to completion. A harlequin and a "literary" novel. They both stink to high heaven. They are written well; I am a writer after all; but they have the emotional maturity of an embryo. I tossed them aside, feeling like I was a failure as a writer. But that's not true. That is far from the truth. Poetry and non-fiction musings are my mediums of expression. They have always been.

Ideas for novels creep up on me when I am waiting at the check-out, when I am grading a paper, when I am cleaning out my toilet. When I sleep. What the hell? Make up your damn mind woman! Are you or are you not going to write a novel?

The belief that in order to be a successful writer or artist (same thing) you must get paid for it. And certainly, that would be heavenly. To make a living and a good one, writing or painting or both. Or making crafts, or creating sculptures, or mouth-watering recipes, or whatever. Who doesn't want that?

But what of reality? The reality is that for every 500 artists and writers, one makes it to the light of fame. I just pulled that figure out of thin air. I have no bloody clue what the stats are and if there can be reliable stats anyway. I have a problem with stats, but I digress. The point is obvious. Not everyone "makes" it.

What about the rest of us?

The essence is that though we might not make a splash that will be felt around the world, we can make a wave in our part of it. We can express beauty and longing and pathos and victory and worry, and touch others through our creations. Even if it's just one person. Us.

Which leads me to my other concern, so to speak.

Yes, I try to be a positive person. I have had to be. I learned very early in life that if I don't take care of myself, no one else will. That if I do not pick myself up from whatever mire I find myself in, no one will. That the only person I can truly count on is myself. That degree of isolation can be crippling. Can be deadly. There have been times I wished death to come and release me from the constant angst I feel myself drowning in.

Talk about a tortured soul...

But I make myself open the windows of my soul, and let it stream out. In light. In prisms of color. In hope. Because, I am here on this planet for a reason. Aren't I? And even though I have no idea why I am here, I am here. And I will create, and write, and struggle to make things better, and voice my opinions no matter how unpopular they are, and be who I am.

Because.

I cannot be anyone else.

I am a bipolar artist. Not clinically. But certainly.

Blessed be :)

Cycles of life

(click on image to enlarge)

First of all I would like to warmly thank Jamie for running yet another amazing book club 12 Secrets. If you don't know Jamie, she is one of the most extraordinary people I have ever met. She walks in light, and emits light to all those around her. A wishstress, a life coach, a creative dynamo, a loving wife and sister, and daughter, and friend, she gives that love to the world by helping us get in touch with our own light, and others whose light is shining bright.

Thank you Jamie :)

The interviews she has set up with other women whose creativity is like a solar impact on the world, truly embody the inspiring soul that Jamie is. This week Jamie interviewed yet another creative fount of inspiration Leah whose "Creative Every Day" project fuels creative exploration and connection.

Thank you Leah :)

With that being said, I am participating in this book club to allow my creative spirit to frolic in the playground with others. Through your blogs, your art and your creative exploration, I am discovering pieces of myself and my creative history that have been forgotten, or lie dormant.

Thank you everyone, whether you are participating in this book club or not, whether you are a woman or a man, thank you :)

The 4th "secret" is about creative cycles.

Creativity, to me, is life. As does life, so does creativity. There are highs; there are lows; there are blahs; there are AHS! But life doesn't cease until it's time to for "that sleep of death, when we have shuffled off this mortal coil" (Hamlet, 3.1), and go on to the next adventure. And even then, I believe, creativity does not end. We are creative souls. Indeed, that is how our souls speak.

How do I deal with the lows? I ride them in glee. I enjoy the scenery, knowing that as with life, there is always another wave coming.

Blessed be :)

List, Lust, Last

(click on image to enlarge)

This is another "mixed media" digital piece. I painted the background and the goddess. Then I went hunting for Egyptian brushes that are compatible with my PS dinosaur, but they were humongous so I had to do a lot of recrafting. I am beginning to miss Paint Shop Pro (Corel). It was so much more versatile. I can't for the life of me figure out how to make my own brushes on PS! Anyway, I added a collage piece (the necklace). Et voila! Egyptian goddess. You might notice I have been using blue and yellow combinations a lot lately. These make me happy. :)

Yesterday, I was reminded that, really, all you need to do is ask. As many of you know, we got bombarded by the white stuff, AGAIN. The person that was doing our snow had told us (my neighbor and I) that he no longer had the time to do it. I sat here, working from home all day, and wondered what the hell I was going to do. I decided I would worry about it later. Then, shortly after dinner, someone knocked on my door. Two boys with shovels! One of them a student at the school. You can imagine my glee! Ten bucks later, and the snow was cleared. Thank you Universe! :)

This morning I woke up with a new sense of purpose, a list of goals and a lust for life! Almost ready made, these plans, really, were simmering in the noggin for a while.

I have been pondering what I want to do to maximize my home space. I need to position the living arrangements in order for every room in my house (not that many) to be used to its best capacity. At minimum cost. So here is my home to-do list. I am recording it for myself mostly.

This requires minimum spending: new track lights, energy efficient front door, square table (thrift/garage sale) and folding doors/curtain (thanks Molly!) to separate the front porch from the room for warmth.

This is the first floor plan now:

(click on image to enlarge)

This is after:

(click on image to enlarge)

The back of the house where the bedroom is now, faces my garden. Wouldn't it be so much better to look out into the garden when I am working or creating than a street? It also faces west, which has the most light. Tada! My super duper economical way of maximizing my space.

Oh. And I am sorry to say, that as much as I adore Mac, I am going to have to go with PC laptop because I simply cannot afford the 500 buck difference.

Tomorrow I will tackle the basement plans! This is fun! Brings me back to the time I wanted to be an architect, interior decorator.

And last, but not least, I am also making plans for my Tarot deck and book, and how to pay off my line of credit. My goal is to retire at 50. Yes, you heard it first here. 50! :)

Words to Images

My wish for today in Jamie's Wishcasting Wednesday is:

For WINTER to be OVER!

To keep myself sane: I painted the following in PS and dabbled in some more poetry. :)

(click on image to enlarge)

Foot prints
Paw prints
Their prints merge
Over the lolling
Hilly verge.
White of the sky
Melding with brightness
Smoky breath
Lifts up in lightness.

Foot prints
Paws prints
That crunch
In the ground
The air is still
Steps echo
The sound.

In the snow
There’s a hush
When you know
There’s no rush
The heart beats
Furnace heat
Guiding feet.

Tree tops
Light drops
Stars pop,
First
In the glassy sky
Velvet-gowned
Burst
Retiring diva
Dropping her carat stones
Lazing back
Sparkling throne
Beyond the touch
Diamond snow.

And on the street
Right foot
Left foot
She drums a beat
Of longing
In her head.
And on her feet
Her runners worn
Right foot
Left foot
Her shoe laces torn
Strum on the pavement
With paw pads
A soft arrangement
Of loosely corded song.

She does not see
The shoelaces free
From all restraint
They twirl a dance
In dog eyes, trance
Beyond her gaze
And starlight glaze.

(click on image to enlarge)

The pineapple clouds
Heavy laden
Bobbed
Scraping buildings
And towers,
Even lower,
They dropped.

Glancing at them,
Our mouths water
Our minds drift,
Our disillusions
Shatter

Will they break open soon and sluice?
Smile and spill their juice
And deliver us all?

From stale existence
And dry persistence
Of that unmoving wall?

In the puddles they form
Will we jump like children
With umbrellas small?

Suddenly refreshed
From the sterility
of our urban angst
We taste the fullness
Of pineapple lust.

Be strong and blessed be :)

Reflections Melt Ice

(click on image to enlarge)

When I stated this blog, I did so as I way to talk to myself. Things happen during the day; thoughts whisper in my brain; feelings churn; sometimes they don't let me sleep. Sending my thoughts out into the universe via satellites and human magic, has been a way to release the things that crowd in me asking to be heard.

It would be nice to sit down with a loved one over a glass of wine or a cup of tea after a long day, to deconstruct our process. Our thoughts. Our feelings. Our victories. Our goals. Our reliefs. Our fears. This blog has become one of my beloved ones.

Then little by little, I found other blogs, and other beloved ones. People who need to express their thoughts, their feelings, their victories, their goals, their reliefs, their fears. They have husbands and children, or children grown, or husbands, or lovers, or friends, or whole families, or no one.

They share their art, their experience, their perspective. Through the satellites and the human magic, they speak.

And I have been drawn to their blogs, your blogs, by your humanity, your creativity, your longing.

I read.

I smile.

I tear.

I laugh.

I gasp at the beauty of your words and images.

I shake my fist at your shadows.

I comment.

I feel. Like. I have a whole world of people to share with. To exchange thoughts with. To be inspired by. And reminded.

No matter where, or who, or why. We all share one purpose. And that is life.

Isn't it wonderful? :)

And So It Is

(click on image to enlarge)

Gong Xi Fa Cai (Gong Hay Fat Choy)

Welcome to the Year of the Ox

A time for new beginnings, steady progress and long-lasting relationships.

I can use all of the above. I'm sure you can too. It's time for us to take the leap out of our own restrictions and try a new outlook, a new style, a new modus operandi.

I am still committed to embracing joyful magic.

I will crawl out of the dark tunnel of winter and find warmth and light wherever I can. And if I can't find it, I will make it. If I take two steps back, I will take one leap forward. If my heart is troubled, I will force my lips to smile.

I will do laughter yoga.

I will refill my glass. No more half-full half-empty crap. My glass will be full.

I will take those lemons and chuck them at those who try to give them to me.

I will smooth out the wrinkles and wear my heart on my sleeve.

And if someone doesn't like what I do. They can stuff it. I don't care. They can take their little jokes at my expense, their little put-downs, their judgment, and stuff their pillows with it. See how comfortable it is to sleep on that.

I like me.

May our lows become highs. Our fears, courage. Our nights filled with light. Our arms filled with love. :)

Showers of Gratitude

To shiny objects
our attention drifts
and hangs on
with dreamy bliss

What catches our eye? Captivates our focus? Fuels our imagination? Makes our heart soar? Pumps blood through our veins like a mighty river?

Let me start by saying. This community fascinates me to no end. Your creations. Your thoughts. Your struggles. Your victories. Your quiet moments. Your days of bliss. Your tireless search for beauty and light, meaning and direction. Your care and support for others. Your presence.

Before I even think about what fascinates me, I want to thank you all, for being.

I got three awards recently by two wonderful women in our community. There are rules to these awards, but I will break them. If you want to see them, I will provide links to their amazing posts, and you can read for yourselves. :)

Paula is a woman whose energy and love of life is greater than all the oceans put together. She is a loving wife, and a wonderful mother to two amazing children. Her photographs speak volumes of her love of life and her quest for meaning. They are captivating! She extends this light and joy to others through her comments and suggestions. I am also honored to announce that Paula is our newest contributor to my blog-zine Ola! Moana. Please take some time and show her some love.

Paula gave me this award: Thank you Paula! :)


This award is given to commentators who show support, inspiration and encouragement to others. I bestow this award to each and every one of YOU. Your comments are a continuous source of fascination for me. This is not a cop out on my part. It's not that I can't be bothered to pick five. It's that I cannot pick. Each and every one of you whether you comment once or every day, have given me a precious gift, and I would like to honor you. Thank you. :)

Please feel free to grab this badge and give it to someone or everyone who has encouraged you! :)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The other two awards were given to me by June. June is a wonderful source of inspiration. A wife, a mother, and a grandmother, June not only creates beautifully whimsical art and unique jewelry, she prompts others' creativity through themes on the Dark Side. She is a supportive and caring blogger who takes the time to honor others' creativity as well. Please take the time and visit her with some love. :)

June gave me these two awards: Thank you June! :)



This award I pass on again to each and every one of YOU. From cookies to earrings. From watercolor to paper. Your creativity springs forth from you like the fountain of life. You inspire thought with your images and words. You are simply wonderful.


And this! Thank you June! :)

This badge is one great big HUG for each and every one of you for being here. For caring. For being YOU! Thank you! :) Feel free to grab the badge and spread your hugs!

Please grab the badges and sport them with pride. I give them to you with love! :)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Speaking of spreading the love. I have a gift to give to one special person who I have met through the blogosphere. She is a warrior, brave in her conviction, overcoming obstacles and doing so with honesty and bravado. She is an inspiration to others in oh so many ways, so I made this mantra card for her to honor her recent birthday.

So without further ado, this card is for our Sacred, and beloved Suzie!

For those of you who don't know, this is Suzie's personification of her creative spirit Cinnamon! This is how I see her.

Happy Birthday Suzie! May all your dreams come true! :)

(click on the image to enlarge)

Of course Cinnamon's setting is the kitchen! That is her seat of power! Her weapon of choice, the wooden spoon is not her only tool. On her utensil belt she carries all the tools of her majestic creativity. Through the windows, you can see the stunning vista of Cinnamon's beloved British Columbia. :)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Steve Emery awarded me with the Six Random Meme. Steve is an amazing artist and person. His honesty, integrity, thoughtfulness, creativity and intelligence shine through his words and watercolors. Please take some time to visit Steve, and be prepared to be absolutely captivated. Thank you Steve!

Six random things about me:

1) I have visited every single type of church, temple, or synagogue at least once, in my quest for spiritual meaning. I chose not to be part of any religious institution, with respect.

2) I always doodle flowers and eyes when I am bored, to stay alert.

3) I make a wicked chai from scratch! It's something I inherited from my Egyptian roots.

4) I got my first gray hair at age 18, and it started out as a strand of golden tinsel. Yes, like the one on Christmas trees. It was gold for three days, then turned gray.

5) I made my first necklace when I was four.

6) I have had prophetic dreams of people and places which I encountered later in my life.

That's it for now! Phew!

I award this meme to each and every one of you again. Why? Because I am fascinated with people's life details. :) So if you want to participate please feel free! :)

I know. I'm such a rule-breaker. :)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Oh right. I forgot. I was supposed to be writing about my fascinations. I will. But not now. :)

For now, I will post an image I worked on yesterday. Yet more experimentation in a different style. :)

(click on image to enlarge)

Blessed be :)

Confessions of a Risk-Taker

(click on image to enlarge)

First of all let me start by confessing, I did not read the 3rd chapter of 12 Secrets. I have been too busy these past few days, and my brain threatened to short-circuit. I have started reading some of your blogs, however, which I found, as usual, most inspiring and uplifting.

So. Risk.

Getting up in the morning is a risk. No one knows what the day will bring. We take risks all the time: emotional risks, professional risks, interpersonal risks, creative risks. We risk every time we open our mouths to speak our opinion, or our feelings. Because no one can know the outcome.

Life is a risk.

Is that a bad thing? I don't think so. If we didn't risk, we wouldn't be able to speak or think, or create. We would still be living in dark caves, grunting responses. No invention, no discovery, no monumental event has happened without risk.

So what I have I risked?

At 16, I left my parents home because I could no longer take the tyranny of their oppressive rules. I went to Greece and attended University there. I sold my piano, for my tuition, and I worked to support myself. I sold jewelry on the streets. I was a bar tender. I was a waitress. I worked at a flower crafts factory. I tutored spoiled kids in English.

At 20, I returned to Montreal to pursue my Masters. I got a loan. I worked as a waitress, a cashier, and a bar tender. I tutored spoiled kids in Math and English. By 22, I was disillusioned with academia and decided I was going to pursue teaching as my career.

I lived with roommates, and stumbled into the world of dating and "love". I risked my heart, and my health in a string of unwise relationships, because I was naive and untrained. I was raised in a very sheltered way, and I had not really had the chance to interact with boys and men in a gradual way. My learning curve was non-existent at the time.

At 23, diploma in hand, I left Montreal to come to Toronto. I had no family or friends here. I stayed with my then ex-boyfriend's cousin for a year, as a live-in nanny, while I got my feet on the ground. The risk? Her boyfriend was a big time drug dealer with drug dealing friends and "clients". After escaping being murdered and raped, I moved again. By then, I was working at a language school until I got my Ontario credentials. I moved into my first apartment.

A couple of years later, I risked marriage to a sweet man who turned out to have no ambition and a big heroin/cocaine problem. Four years later, I left him and started yet again.

I risked meeting a man who I found through an online dating site. We had fallen deeply in love. I risked my heart. Only to find out he was married. I walked away. Goddesses don't work that way.

Then I risked it again with another man. It didn't work out.

And again with another. (Did I mention I have a slow learning curve?) He proposed. He was going to move here from the states. It was all set. He backed out at the last minute. The risk was too high for him. My heart petrified. My learning curve stalled.

In that time, I bought my first home, way too big for me, but beautiful, by myself, on a wing and a prayer. Two years after that, I sold it at a profit and bought my current, much smaller and cozier home.

I took two years leave without pay, to pursue my dream of starting my own magazine. I spent all my savings; my partner backed out; but, I kept it alive for a year by myself, then admitted defeat. I went back to teaching.

This is the skeleton of my risk taking.

Now?

I risk every time I post a blog about myself, my thoughts, my feelings, my struggles. I don't know who is reading this and how they will take it. I don't know how I will be judged. I often ask myself, "What makes your life so interesting that others need to read it?" Nothing. But if anyone, just one person, will gain solace or understanding from my blog, then the risk is worth it.

I risk every time I post my art work or poetry on this blog. To my infinite surprise, people have been most kind and supportive. And when they have nothing good to say, they say nothing at all. I love that about you.

Now, in my 40th year, or is it 41st, I ask myself, "What risks are you going to take?"

The answer? I have no blessed idea.

Right now, I am coasting through turbulent waters. There are spectacularly clear patches, and there are muddy patches. All I know is, I wake up every morning, and I risk. At work, I am trying to reorganize a department in near shambles and there is some resistance, and some resentment. But when the dust clears, there is gratitude. In my life, I try to smile and put myself out there in the hope that my heart will not be demolished again, by anyone.

So yeah, I am no stranger to risk. What is strange to me is the Hollywood ending that risk brings. Yet, I still risk the chance that one day, I too, will get it. :)

Mermaid's Chorus

(click on image to enlarge)

In waters deep
She swims
She flies
She loves
salt water
in her eyes
She dreams
She longs
for ocean
skies
deep coral
grooves
that multiply.
The shadows
of top beings
drift
and to the surface
her dark eyes lift
and wonders what
and who
and why
these beings try
to obscure
the sky
The fins that whisper
a warning wave
She sees top beings
sink to their graves
deep in the heart
of ocean blue
they drop through weeds
and fall from view.
The dolphin song
make her lips smile
she rests
and listens
for a while.
Her mermaid call
they answer swift
and through the currents
together drift
and dream as one
for days so calm
when the top beings
don't cause harm
to fish
to plant
to salty deep
they sing together
until they sleep.

Space

(click on image to enlarge)

Our veritable wishmeister, and inspiration artist extraordinaire, Jamie, has given us our weekly Wednesday wish prompt here! Join us in wishcasting! :)

At first, I was going to be all practical and shizz, talking about what I want to do to change my home's space into something along the lines of what I need/want in a space. That requires architects, and builders and lots of funds. I am making small changes here and there, trying to make the most of my tiny home. Adding a floor to the basement, and using the space. Rearranging the rooms, putting in a couple of doors to make the place warmer in the winter and keep the cool air in the summer. That stuff.

But really, since this is about wishing, so why not go all out?

• I want a home near the sea, and if that isn't feasible, I want it near water. I want eternity outside my window, not another window.
• I want lots of trees to gaze at and fall in love with.
• I want airy rooms with lots of windows and lots of light, and high ceilings. Like tall glasses of water.
• I dont' need a lot of square footage. Just SPACE. Not a house compartamentalized with walls.
• I want simple decor with bold colors. Warm rooms with minimal stuff.
• I want a bathtub fit for a Queen, so I can luxuriate in it. Candle light and dreams.
• I want a kitchen that isn't merely utilitarian, but one that makes my heart quicken with the desire to cook and bake, and sit and relax, while staring out of the windows greenery.
• I want a bedroom that is both inviting and serene. Sensual and warm.

I chose these pictures for my collage above because they best depict what I wish for in a home. AH. I love wishcatsing Wednesdays! Thank you Jamie!

Now, what is your wish for your space? Will you be practical or will you just let loose and WISH? I look forward to reading your posts. :)

May your home space be a haven, a source of joy and creativity, and filled with love and laughter.

Blessed be :)

Brand New Day

To say I am touched beyond words, is not saying much. To say I am in awe, is putting it mildly.

Yesterday, in despair I sat here and agonized whether I should hit publish and unleash my pain. Yesterday, I was feeling the weight of the shadows about to annihilate me. Yesterday, out of the blue, I was feeling smaller than the most insignificant mote.

Then your words came. Words of support, and caring. Words of wisdom and love.

I was overwhelmed with it, washed away with such empathy from people I have never shared a coffee with. I don't even know if there are words to express my gratitude, but I will start with,

Thank you.

I usually reply in the comments section, and I will be coming to your blogs to thank you "in person", but I wanted this post to honor the wonderful, loving, wise people you are. I thank the Universe for letting me connect with you. In many ways, you are life savers. :) Thank you all for your encouraging words about my art. It helps more than you will know. :)

So from yesterday's comments:

Thank you Tracy :) Knowing that someone is there to just listen is precious to me. Hugs!

Thank you Jennlui :) I am sorry you have had to go through this as well. It boggles my mind that people should change in that way after the miracle of a child's entrance into the world. Thank you for your offer, and who knows one day I might find myself in Ottawa. Your warmth and caring are like the twin lights of Sun and Moon. Hugs!

Thank you Suzie :) I hate that you will celebrate your birthday alone. I wish I had the money to send you a ticket to the TDot to spend it with your family! I guess I should start playing the lotto! :) If that fails, we can have a blog party for you! Live! :) Hugs!

Thank you Taexalia :) It's actually flooring me that others have gone through this very thing. But it shouldn't. Pain is by no means unique. I'm sorry you had to go through that, but I like your plan for this year. :) Hugs!

Thank you Tori :) I was very very reluctant to hit post. Now, it is important to go the next step and tell my friends how I feel. I feel it is important to honor whatever you are feeling, and bring it into the light. If I hadn't hit publish, others also wouldn't have had the chance to share their stories. I am feeling better about it today. Hugs!

Thank you Rebecca :) It might very well be the fact that I just turned 40. Part way through my life, and not really adoring what I don't see in it. Even though it's horrible to feel this way, it's also very reassuring to know others have felt it too. Hugs!

Thank you Lillian :) It is reassuring to know that others feel this way, though I hate the thought that others have felt this way. It's not a great feeling. Not at all. But, it is part of the human life. Hugs!

Thank you Kim :) I am feeling much better today, about publishing the post. It was really hard to lay my soul bare like that. I considered writing it on a piece of paper and burning it like I normally do, but honestly that has never worked for me. :) It's an lovely idea you throw out there. I will consider it. :) Hugs!

Thank you Tabby :) Thank you for your prayers. How can God not listen to an angel on earth like you? :) Hugs!

Thank you Caroline :) I have never been one to shy away from my feelings or the truth behind them. It's just the first time I declared it pretty much for the whole world to see. My soul was crying out to do it, and I had to obey. :) Hugs!

Thank you Lisa :) You're right. That is me too. Both sides of me. I accept them. I thank you for your advice, please do not apologize for it. :) This was a culmination of all the things that have been happening and I had had enough. Enough with the loneliness and sadness and being delegated to "Oh, right, it's Genie's birthday. How can I fit that into my busy schedule." I felt that I deserved more than that. :) Hugs!

Thank you Kristen :) I look so marvelous through your eyes. :) I am at a loss for words other than to repeat Thank you. :) I am believing it, and the fact that I spoke up, is proof of it. :) Hugs!

Thank you Molly :) They can take their lemons and stuff their lemonade! YEAH! :) There just comes a point in someone's life that making excuses for everyone at our own expense just won't cut it. Hugs!

Thank you Musey :) Yes, you're right. The nudes do represent my baring soul! I really didn't think about that until you mentioned it :) I don't feel alone when I come to the blogosphere. :) You are all wonderful gems of human beings whom I truly admire and cared about. :) Hugs!

Thank you Fatma :) We can surely go for a coffee. That would be great. I welcome meeting each and every person I have come in contact with through this community. I wish we could even all have a meet and greet :) Hugs!

Thank you (Intothe) Dawn :) How absolutely heart-wrenching. I am sorry you had to go through that. May your kitty play happily with the cat nip in the sky. I hope that by letting this all out, I will move past it, and start anew. Hugs!

Thank you Steve :) It's an interesting conundrum indeed. :) I have not been able to come up with an answer myself. :) Thank you for your flooringly amazing offer to send me materials. That means a lot to me. I was mostly talking about the tablet, and other expensive items, which I would never in a millions years expect anyone else to get for me. The offer is more precious than any gift and I will cherish it. Thank you! Wish there were a LOT more men in the world like you. I truly do :) Hugs!

Thank you Danette :) You have always being a dear friend to me. Your love and support have always carried me through, and I cherish you. You are a friend for life, no matter what, no matter how. That is a fact. Hugs!


Today is a Brand New Day. I encounter it more serene, and much more hopeful, for, if the world is populated by such amazing individuals such as all of you, then it is a beautiful place indeed.

I painted these in PS yesterday, as I was deliberating my process, and the amazing comments it engendered. To view the images, as usual you just click on them. :) The first was a tribute to how I felt yesterday morning while I was composing my post; the second depicts the warmth and open horizon I felt while reading your comments; and the third is how I felt being part of this wonderful and glorious group of people. How I feel right now.

We have much to be thankful for and to celebrate. President Obama is being inaugurated this morning, and in his hands, lies the future of the world. The eyes of the world focus on him, and our hearts beat with hope. It is a very formidable task. I pray that he will have the strength, and vision to carry it through. I pray that he will be allowed to do so. I pray for peace to settle in the loins of this planet, and that we can go on with the business of living, of loving, of creating.

Blessed be :)

Warning: Rough Post Ahead.

Before you continue reading, please note, that this post is a dark reflection. My ruminations are tinged with some sadness. If you feel you cannot read, or go on, I understand. :) I just need to let this out, and let it go, so that I may move on into the light. :)

This weekend was one of a lot of reflection. Where am I going with my life? What do I want in it? What am I grateful for? What could I use a little bit more of? In the spirit of honesty, I was also feeling a little bit low. Trying to pick myself up. Again. And if I am going to be completely honest, I was a little sad. I turned 40 this year, a supposed milestone. I got a couple of half-hearted "What do you want to do for your birthday?" and when I couldn't honestly think of anything concrete, the subject was dropped. Just because I didn't know, doesn't mean I wanted to do nothing.

I chose to spend the day of my birthday exploring creativity and that was fun. My friend gave me one of her beautiful paintings. The night before, because we were doing something anyway, another friend bought me dinner and gave me a gift. Yet another friend brought over coffee and a gift. And I don't want to seem ungrateful, but it's not about presents. It's about presence. It seems that no one wanted to go out of their way for me this year. And I felt a little, unloved. By my friends. I spent the whole weekend alone. And you know what? I'm freaking tired of being alone.

So I did my best to pick myself up. I gained strength and support from all the wonderful people in the blogging community, yet every single moment I felt my loneliness grow and grow. Don't get me wrong. I am self-reliant. I like my own company, and I am never bored. But I am not a hermit. I am sick of talking to my cat. I took myself out for a walk. The weather didn't really allow for a lot of outdoorsy stuff though. So I came back home. Read. Painted. Tried to pour my loneliness out.

And I'm sorry I am even writing this. I shouldn't even post it. Who needs to be reading my sob story. Self-pity isn't attractive. But I am sad. Sad my life has shrunk to this. And of course I wonder, what have I done to find myself here? Have I not cared about people? Have I not helped? Have I not been present in their moments of happiness and sorrow? Have I not offered up my friendship, and split my heart open enough?

I realize people have their lives to think about. Houses to claim, babies to have, new relationships to explore, new careers to launch. New everything.

So I focused on the happy things. The way I felt at the play lab. The beautiful painting that was my gift. The fact that my students went out of their way to surprise me with a cake and a party. They truly made my year. The love! I melted into tears. The many many warm birthday wishes from all of you on my blog. You all floored me with your beauty. Thank you. I held onto those, and it got me through.

I told myself. Stop with the whining, and move on. Make new friends. Find new interests. Start again. Start again. I will. I just needed this moment to acknowledge how I was feeling, and move on.

So I painted this in PS.

(click on image for lager view)

I was just doodling random images and playing with the light and the contrast, and the cloud goddess was formed. I gave her more shape, some shading, and the landscape beneath her more contours and light. I added the rainbow for hope. I did this all in photoshop with my mouse. (I still need to buy the tablet when money flows a little bit more.)

The thing is, I want to be able to do this with watercolors and other media, and I am using PS as a way to train my eye and my instincts. I feel intimidated a little, still, by 3D painting, and this is getting me past it. Past the self-criticism and past the constant comparison to "real" artists. Many of you know what I mean. It's getting better. I am feeling a little bit more confident.

When I finished her, I felt like doodling some more. So I painted this:

(click on image for lager view)

My first nude. I wanted to keep it simple, minimal. Still playing around with the textures and contours, the shading and light. The subtle colors. The fewer brush strokes to create expression. The simple backdrop. I am kind of proud of this piece, because it represent progress for me. I have gone beyond "digital collaging" and photo manipulation to creating an image from scratch. Honestly, I didn't think I could do it, but here they are. Not the first, I have created a few now. I have created a portfolio of digital art. It might not compare to a lot of truly accomplished artists, but it's mine and I love it.

I do welcome your comments, and suggestions. I am stronger than this post indicates. :)

If you have gotten through this heavy, heavy post. I thank you for sticking it through with me, and I promise I will be back to myself tomorrow. :)

May your days be full of light :) Blessed be :)

Tarot Sunday

I finished my Tarot deck before the New Year. I didn't really properly introduce them one by one because I got sidetracked by shiny objects and other projects. :) I am still working on perfecting them; some of them are getting a face lift. I am also in the process of formatting them into a cohesive book. This book will be minutely one of divination, it will be more of a workbook for life. So, here are my last two completed suits minus the cards I have already displayed. (Labels with Tarot have my other posts.) You can click on the image to make it bigger, as I narrate their stories. To see the complete deck just go to the bottom of the page where I have added a slide show. :)

The Flames

For those of you who do not know, I have changed the Wands suit to Flames. This suit is traditionally connected to the Fire signs in astrology, so I add the flame to the fire. :)

Two Flames: This card is about power and personal satisfaction. It is traditionally portrayed as a man holding the world and overlooking his land; but power and success are not just about material gains. While most of us welcome material comfort, this card is also about being able to achieve our own personal success. The victory lap in the living room after a successful phone call with a potential employer or a bill collector. The feeling of "YEAH!" when we have done an extra lap at the gym. It is the graceful and daily satisfaction that is attainable for everyone.

Three Flames: This card is about the power one achieves when a goal has been reached; this leadership position can also be a solitary one. Traditionally this card is portrayed as an obviously wealthy man overlooking his considerable holdings; I have chosen to stick with the general theme but changed the symbols and setting to a more modern one.

Five Flames: This is about struggle internal and external. Little obstacles, conflicts, stubbing your toe, forgetting your watch, the alarm clock not going off. These obstacles or set backs can be used as learning tools to train ourselves to be more tolerant of delay, and to go with the flow. I depicted this card as a Martial Arts training session. Yes, there is a struggle, but there is purpose behind it, and sometimes we just have to fight for what we need or want or believe in. :) To make us better warriors.

Six Flames: This is a card of victory and accolades. Triumph and reward. It's pretty self-evident. The layout is similar to many traditional ones, except, it's a triumphant woman and it's set in India. Elephants are wise and ageless animals. They serve well for the meanings of this card.

Seven Flames: Struggle, resistance, engender conviction and a firm resolution. I was originally going to set this card at a gym, and I might still change it to that. In order to build muscle, one must work with resistance. In life, obstacles and resistance build character muscle, determination, and conviction that can withstand anything.

Eight Flames: This is about speed and accuracy. It's about a satisfaction of having done something really well and nearing reward. It's about fun. So why not a group of skaters reveling in their prowess on the board? They are on the Flames team. :)

Nine Flames: This card is about perseverance and stamina. It is about achieving the seemingly impossible with a strength of will that comes from powers greater than our perception. This lovely acrobat/ballerina is dancing on candle flames. Ethereal and powerful and absolutely stunning.

Ten Flames: This card is about hard work, and all the pressures and rewards that come with it. Sometimes, setbacks can come in the way of achievement, but that is simply a test to one's perseverance and determination to complete a task. Sometimes in a beautiful field of crops, one has to be set aflame, one has to remain fallow.

King & Queen Flames: Incredible power of will and charisma, these two are filled with the sheer flame of their will. They are inspiring, forceful and bold. Their creativity takes many forms, and when harnessed properly bears many fruits. They are alight with the flame of their self-assured energy. If not properly directed, these very traits can work against them, turning them rigid and stubborn. It's all about maintaining a proper perspective and balance.

The Crystals

This suit has been changed from the pedantic Pentacles to the creative Crystals. Crystals are of the earth, and their enduring shine is perfect for representing the Earth signs.

Two of Crystals: This is about trying to strike up a balance in emotions, in finances, in projects, in various aspects of life. This can be wearing, but it also can be a fun and invigorating challenge. By using a juggler, I am not only depicting the skill it needs to create such a balance but the enjoyment one can derive from it.

Three Crystals: This is about skill and achievement through hard work and diligence. So why not some artists working with ice to create beautiful sculptures? It's cold and hard work, but it is one of incredible beauty and satisfaction.

Four Crystals: Speaking of satisfaction, this card is about the rewards of achievement. Having worked long and hard, one has the blissful moments of savoring the fruits of her/his labor. At the summit of her achievement, the artist oversees her craft.

Five Crystals: This card is about solace and charity. Bringing someone in from the cold. Giving someone a pat on the shoulder, a hug, a warm drink when they need it. The comfort a parent gives to a child, a friend gives to a friend, a stranger to a stranger.

Six Crystals: This is about resources, generosity, and knowledge. This is about someone who has all these, sharing it with others without thought of gain. The woman at the summit is showering everyone with her crystal wisdom and abundance. Isn't it spectacular? :)

Eight Crystals: This is about the diligence and attention to detail that one must give to his/her craft. In creating a thing of beauty, one must be immersed in its every aspect. Having the materials, the vision and the determination to make something out of nothing. See how the artisan offers up her/his wares for our approval. Aren't those crystals magnificent? :)

Ten Crystals: This card is about the affluence and permanence of established success. It is the freedom of knowing that all one's efforts have come to fruition and one can now sit back for a while and enjoy them. Ah!

King Crystals: Enterprising, adept, steadfast, loyal and supportive. This man knows what he wants and how to get it. This might, at times, make him seem distant and unresponsive. That's because he has a lot on his mind. He needs to take the time to enjoy the fruits of his labor, but he needs to be gently coaxed into doing so. The upside is, once his tender and passionate side is triggered, stand back! He never does anything half way. :)

Phew! If you made it this far congratulations! I'm sorry for such a mammoth post, but I thought I would just go ahead and do this before more shiny objects and new projects get in the way. I am a Capricorn after all! :) Hope you enjoyed it. :)

Blessed be :)

The Shadow of Light

(click on image to enlarge)

Sometimes I think I sound like Ms. Pollyanna, because, sometimes, I feel like one. No matter what I have experienced, no matter how bleak the situation, I always try to see the light side, the one thread of hope that takes me out of that empty tunnel. I have known despair and loneliness. I have known a sorrow that grabs hold of my very marrow and shakes it. Yet, I hold on to the blissful moments, to the hope of their return. To the hope of their return.

In my attempt to remain authentic, however, I need to also honor the dark side of me, of life, of my thoughts. That is not to say I am feeling depressed or sad, but sometimes, I step into the shadows to explore whatever needs illumination. If I do not, I am in denial.

In seeing the dark side, I am thankful for the light, for one truly cannot exist without the other. The majesty of the stars needs the velvet backdrop of the night. The play between shadows and light brings soft contours, or sharp contrasts. Only darkness can truly illuminate the eternal glow; that is why diamonds are showcased against dark materials. In their co-existence there is stunning beauty. There is the awe of their difference, loving each other.

In my travels, I see the sadness, the despair, the pain of others. I recognize it. It's deeply human. I see the struggle towards the surface, towards the light. And it is truly a magnificent thing to behold. Because our pain is what makes us human. As does our joy. As does our need to feel the crevices and valleys in between. We ache for fulfillment and cloak our lives in the things that bring us bliss. A safety net against the waiting moments of longing, confusion, loss.

We each walk a different path, experience a different moment. Yet who among us has not been on that same path in a parallel time, in a parallel universe? We seek those of like mind; the comfort of their existence validates our own. Yet, equally we seek those whose path is diametrically opposed to ours. Lest we forget. Lest we become complacent.

I am fully aware that I am rambling. But I am humbled. Humbled by my blessings. Humbled by the very precious experiences that are missing from my life. Humbled that I have reached this far, and am still whole, still breathing, still hopeful. Still hopeful.

There is such debilitating beauty in this world. Moments that take my breath away. Moments that flood my throat with tears and blur my eyes with emotion.

Men who are not belittled by their public declarations of love. Women who save others from the jaws of despair, yet still find the time to create. Men who struggle with the judgement of others, yet have the time to lend their neighbor a helping hand. Women who raise their children alone, yet find the strength to smile and bake a cake. People who search for meaning in a world wounded by meaningless brutality and cruelty. Yet, there is time to wreck a journal and laugh like kids again. There is time to arrange flowers just so, and come back with yearning to one's garden that has thirsted with their absence. Students, so filled with love that they take the time to organize a party for their teacher. Friends who forget. People who are so absorbed in their own microcosm that they do not see an other's loneliness. People who go out into the bone-biting cold in search of elderly who might need assistance in a black-out. We are those people.

This is who we are. The light and the dark. And we are beautiful.

Blessed be :)

In-SPIRIT -I-On

A flower unfolding
in delicate glow
The softness and beauty
of new-fallen snow
The moon overhead
smiling her beams
The clouds reflecting
last night's lovely dreams
A shadow that's cast
by a tree's gracious boughs
The touch of a rainbow
The shimmer rain shows
The lights of the city
A building's great height
The brick and the mortal
A turret delight
An alcove
A street lamp
the cobbles
the fence
A smile on a child
in her brand new pink dress
The kids in
the playground


Red buses
New shoes
The thundering subway
Man singing the blues
The wind as it whistles
The mills as they turn
The glow of a flame
as slowly it burns
The smiles
and the tears
The shades
and the lights
the darks
and the yellows
the stars
in the night
The way my soul wanders
when I'm near the sea
Life's tender unfolding
All inspire me.

*The impetus for the poem here! :)

Sunshine Moments

Firstly, THANK Y♥U for all the beautiful wishes for my birthday yesterday. Your love and warmth truly touch me to the core of my being. You are all spectacular souls! I am so honored and grateful to know you. :)

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

I need some sunshine and warmth, and since the weather isn't cooperating, I decided to make me some. :)

Last night I went to Danette's PlayLab. It was the perfect thing to do on my birthday. It was calm and reflective, creative and fun.

And I learned a couple of things:

• I am not afraid to experiment, and throw myself out there any more. I am not afraid of judgement. I don't like it, but I am not afraid of it.
• I do not get mortally connected to what I have made. When asked if we would mind ripping it up, I asked, "How?" That's huge. Being over-connected to my creative products is yet another way for my ego to interfere with my play. So a piece is ruined or gets lost, or whatever. That's just one piece. Our creativity is much larger than that. It is the sum of the parts.
• Pastels and watercolor have an interesting interaction and chemistry. They are an "odd" couple, but they make their relationship work. I am new to mixed media and I am loving it the more I try or see or learn.
• I don't need to have my studio all set up and perfect to start my creative journey with painting. It is just another project that is delaying my process. I need to just jump in there and do it. :)
• When I am creating, the world disappears. And sometimes, that is a good thing.

AH! That's it for now... :)

May your explorations be bountiful and fearless!

Blessed be :)

If Wishes Were Lollipops

I would be a kid again!

It's Wishcasting Wednesday over at Jamie's Starshyne Productions!

Make a wish for your creativity, and go over to Jamie's wonderful and inspiring blog to add it to Mr. Linky and see what others' wishes are!

When you comment, say, "As _____ wishes for her/himself, so I wish for him/her also."

Well, today I am 40. Yipes. When did that happen? I guess it happened while I was busy living, learning, loving, BEing.

I want to celebrate by sending out a wish not only for myself, but for everybody. My wish is that our creativity abounds. That it provides ourselves and others with endless JOY. That what we create be an INSPIRATION to others, and help them find their sources of creativity, joy and light. That it brings us SUCCESS in whatever form we consider it to be, recognition, fame, increased earnings, reaching out to others. That is my wish. :)

What is your wish? :)

Source of Light

(click image to enlarge)

Getting up in the morning is getting harder and harder. I need me some sun! Waking up in the dark is really not my thing. I guess that's why I have been so into dark images lately. Shadows contrasting the light. The light. The light.

The light moments:

My good friend is having her first baby in May! It's going to be a boy. I saw the 3D ultrasounds yesterday and he is already adorable. Sucking his thumb, hand over his eye. So cute. He is going to get lots of squishies from auntie Genie when he finally emerges. Into the light. :)

My other good friend is in love. She yearns for husband and family, and I so wish those things for her. She is a loving person and I am glad she has found someone worthy. I haven't met him yet, but I can tell :) It's so cute. She has this befuddled, love-struck expression. Looking at her, reminds me of what that felt like from the inside. Her face is alight with happiness. :)

My goddaughter had her first slow dance with a boy this weekend. I think she likes him. I can tell by the sparkle in her eye. Her face lit up when she told me about it. It has begun. I wish her well in her travels through infatuation and love. :)

Seeing my students learn and be engaged in their learning and whatever their young minds are creating makes me happy. It's like watching 30 light bulbs go on at the same time. Beautiful. :)

Every time I log on to my blog and read all your comments, your gifts of encouragement and support, my hearts glows with gratitude.

These are my sources of light in the darkness. It is very important to find them in each of our lives, especially in this time of year. When it is darkest. When it is coldest. When it seems like it will be frozen forever.

What are your sources of light even in the darkest hours?

May you have many of them :)

Blessed be :)

P.S. Don't forget to check out my new blog-zine Ola! Moana. The link is on th top left sidebar :)

It Begins...

Yesterday, I think my head exploded.

I got into this state of creativity, and activity like no other! I played around in photoshop all day. Took a long walk to balance things out. Several ideas crystallized in my head and formed decisions. More on the decisions later. :) But first art...

I am exploring light and shade right now in photoshop and I made another graphic novel scene. For those of you who don't know what a graphic novel is, the best way I can describe it, is it's a comic book for adult audiences. It deals with more serious, darker issues. They use usually mostly black and white stylized art. Frank Miller is a great and prolific example of a graphic artist.

Here is my scene:

Subway Encounter

(click on image to enlarge)

It's full of mystery and intrigue, and little bit sexy too. My focus was light and shade. Light and shade. S0 I took out all the colors except her lips. It took me a long time to do this because drawing with a mouse is becoming increasingly challenging. I need to stop whining about it, and go buy myself a tablet already. I'm taking the day off Wednesday for my birthday, so that is what I will get myself. :)

The next piece sort of came out by itself. I started freehand drawing without really thinking about it. I was going to draw yet another scene from this graphic novel which seems to be developing on its own, frame by frame. (More things to ponder...)

Cityscape

(click on image to enlarge)

This is all new to me. What I like about this above piece is the free-flowing "nothink" (thank you Kim ) way I made it. I didn't attempt to be realistic in anyway, yet it captured the essence of this city. I am surprising myself! It's really exciting to create. From nothing, comes something. And there it is!

The Decision

I could not ignore the screaming, and from your lovely advice, I didn't. Besides, I couldn't if I tried.

So Ola! Moana is reborn... here! <-Please, click on the link and leave her some ♥ love!@ :) It's a blog-zine (has this be coined yet?) in its infant stages, but I am excited!

I have to say all this surge of creativity is in large part due to you!

Y0ur encouragement, your comments, your own amazing creativity in whatever form it takes, is fueling me. Leah's Creative Every Day, Jamies' Next Chapter series, your sublime art, writing, cooking, decorating, photography, collaging, pottery, videos, child rearing, crafting, jewelry designing, Mantra Mondays, Trash Tuesdays, Project 365, Celebrating the heArt loveliness is infectious and I love it!

THANK Y♥U! and Blessed be :)