(Big Beauty by Genie Sea-Click for bigger view)I cannot count the times I have looked in the mirror not recognizing the person looking back at me. I have beautiful days and I have ugly days. I have days when I can look in the mirror and smile and others when I look away in disgust. Yes, disgust. The horror of it all.
I was born a normal looking girl, maybe even pretty. Certainly joyous. Then an event happened in my life too traumatic to burden others with. I gained weight. And gained more weight. I created a solid wall between me and the gaze of men. I know this. I have accepted it. I have moved beyond it.
In accepting it, I have taken steps to help my body reach its natural state. I exercise. I go to the gym. I eat healthy most of the time. Yet, my body stays stubbornly and solidly big.
I don't give up though. Some days are better than others. But I don't give up.
My challenge today was to look in the mirror and not cringe. My challenge is to love my body for its faithful service to my spirit. For being healthy. For being mobile. For sustaining my life. Yet I have only once thought my body beautiful.
I know what you are thinking. I know what you want to say. I have said it to myself and others. It's not the words. It's the belief that is more powerful. The belief that I am beautiful in my own way. I know the words. I have said the words. Do I believe the words?
I must one day. I must if I am to be completely happy. I love myself for who I am. I do not love myself for how I look. My eyes are the prettiest part of me, and my decolletage. My legs horrify me. My arms make me queasy. My belly and my hips just won't do. This is the blatant truth. This is what I see.
I care for my body. I pamper it. I drive it with exercise. I nourish it. Yet do I love it? How can I even begin to attract someone else if I look in the mirror and want to look away?
And I feel guilty for feeling this way. There are others with greater struggles. They are fighting illness and facing death, and here I am whining because I want to be 6 sizes smaller. The shame of it all.
I will have much to work with this week, and I fervently hope I finally and completely reach a breakthrough in this, my final challenge. I take the first step with full disclosure.
I hope this week is kinder to you. :)
23 comments:
I want to cry, I could have written most of that post and although I´m so sorry that you feel that way, I´m so glad I´m not alone. We´re going to get past this, I´m with you.
This an awesome, candid and honest post. I love it.
For the first time in my life, I am about 20 pounds overweight. I can relate to not liking what I see in the mirror.
You are brave and you are strong. I'm so impressed that you're keeping up with soul-coaching (I'm so far behind -lol).
I come here for the inspiration to keep at it.
Thank you...(((hugs))).
(((Hugs)))
I'm so sorry that you feel this way, but I truly believe you'll make it through. If you need an extra voice saying "You Are Beautiful" know that everyday I come here that's exactly what I'm saying to you.
I thought I would meander over to you after visiting paula and seeing your comment, thinking to myself, "another one who hates her body."
I hear your every word, feel your pain as I have been there *many* times over the years (3 babies- 60+pounds with each, then later, gaining 70+ because of meds designed to help tame my brain) and now, watch my lovely 27 year old daughter struggle with the very same issues, only with more weight to lose than I ever had(but she IS doing it!)....it is lonely, hard, anguishing sometimes but there is also a message in that wall we women put up with our weight...when you finally *feel* your sweet body's message to you and the world outside, you will begin to drop the barricade ... I am so blessed to have wandered into you today, read your message, paula's message, perhaps others as I wander on, as I send you courage and peace for who you are right now in your most blessed place~your heartmind...
the buddha's heart is in his mind and his mind is in his heart and that is how you must begin to open your eyes to inner~outer world...it is simple yet profound but you understand and hear...I leave you with peace in yours today.
many blessings...
Oh Genie! Just know you are so not alone. So many of us feel exactly the same. This is difficult. It is easy to look at all other parts of ourself but so much emphasis is put on our bodies, yet this is not who we are. Unfortunately, I feel like a hypocrite if I feed you lines of inspiration when I just wrote a blog berating my body. So, again I will say you are not alone, this is a challenge but we will get through it together. If it helps, the person I have seen in your posts is a knock out and mean that honestly!
Oh! I have the some of the same struggles, and yet I don't want to hear you say these things about yourself! You are such a shining soul, and your pic is absolutely adorable. I wish we could all see ourselves as others see us, what a gift that would be.
Until YOU see it, remember that I see you as beautiful inside and out.
I am going to support you this week. I have been struggling with body image for -ever.. probably due to childhood abuse which so many of us seem to have experienced..
I am not 'there' yet but well on my way to accepting mybody and loving it.
a fantastic book by Denise Linn - 'Secrets and mysteries, the glory of being a woman' has helped me tremendously. As has Louise Hays affirmation cards.
you can do this!! You are a beautiful woman.. remember that xoxo
holding your hand this week as you have held mine during the past xoxo
I feel your pain. I hope this week will help you heal and believe that you are so very beautiful!
Full discloser. Wow, you said it. Step one, done. These are stepping stones, keep going. You are so gonna love every bit of yourself one day soon. This vessel that houses your soul, this body is so much more than looks. But, you already know that. We are all here to support you and I hope that if you need some extra support you don't hesitate to contact one of us -- we will listen.
Much love to you during this week.
Peace~
Dawn
This was such an honest post. I'm so sorry you feel that way. I think everyone has felt it though. Those days where you just want to smash the mirror.
You'll work though it!
Ladies, I am sorry this may seem cliche, but YOU COMPLETE ME! :)I am so overwhelmed right now. I am so full. You are all angels!
Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Thank you Claudia♥ Hugs! We will get through this together. It's difficult because I am the only one I know who is big. Discussing it with them is almost impossible.
Thank you Boho♥ Hugs! You brighten up my day saying this blog is inspiring. It means so much to me! :)
Thank you Tabby♥ Hugs! You don't know how much I admire you and you have become my inspiration. :)
Thank you Linda♥ Hugs! Welcome to my blog. :) Your words give me comfort! :)
Thank you Bree♥ Hugs! It's good knowing I am not alone in this. It makes the struggle easier! :)
Thank you Kavindra♥ Hugs! You choke me up. :) I will try to see my beauty. I will try. :)
Thank you Robyn♥ Hugs! I appreciate your support more than you know. :)
Thank you Fatma♥ Hugs! Your words are like manna. :)
Thank you Dawn♥ Hugs! I am so humbled and grateful for you support and kindness. More than I can express. :)
Thank you Tori♥ Hugs! It feels good knowing someone believes in me :)
Genie...I'm late coming here but I identify with your struggle.Want you to know I am here with you too.
:-)
Genie - I get your struggle (as everyone else does as well). You are not alone. I love your honesty and I feel so much the same. I really try to stay away from mirrors especially in dressing rooms (geez that horrible lighting!). Sometimes I can "get over it" and accept myself. But mostly, I feel pissed (especially about my thighs)! I have always been curvy! Trying to find jeans that fit...my life's challenge!
I just wish we lived in a culture that helped women embrace their body and not hate it. A few years ago I stopped buying fashion mags and that has helped. Knowing that the women we seen in the mags are all airbrushed helps. Even with this knowledge, I still struggle! This week will be good...I am hoping to learn to like my thighs a little more...
You are so not alone.
I'm going to go back & edit my post. I have more to say now!
Something about reading your post has giving me permission to lay it on the line!
Thank you for this raw & honest post. It shows me I'm not alone in the love/hate relationship I have with my body. I think that just being able to put those words out there is a big breakthrough. You are working through this challenge with every word you share.
Genie, you can see in all the responses from others that this is such a powerful post. Thank you for being so honest and raw.
You are beautiful.
We shall overcome and make peace.
I'm sure I'll find this really hard when I get to it, its an area I really struggle with, this was a heartfelt post.
Sometimes, like now, I read a post and there's both so much to say and nothing to say. I just sit here, thinking and reaching out in spirit, communing, wishing we were in the same room. Hugs would be involved.
Sending you and your body love,
Jamie
I am blessed indeed. You are all like healing forces of nature to me. :)
Thank you Gemma♥ Hugs!It's never late. :)
Thank you Caroline♥ Hugs! You;re right. It's not easy living in this culture because no matter how we protect ourselves from media images, we see that reflected in they way people react and look at you. Most of the time. it's easy to ignore because they don't really count. :)
Thank Allison♥ Hugs! I read your post and was most inspired by it!
Thank you Turtleheart♥ Hugs! You're right. Just putting those words out there helped a lot.
Thank you Danette♥ Hugs! The raw honesty helped me expel the feelings. Like loofa does dead cells. :)
Thank you Romana♥ Hugs!
Thank you Nightowl♥ Hugs!
Thank you Jamie♥ Hugs! Your warmth reached through the distance and helped a lot. :)
I hug for you like i said to turtleheart, belly dancing really gave me body confidence and fun....
and yes you are a Beautiful spirit...
Genie - thank you for your honesty!! Body image - something I see many people struggle with! & no matter what our size, it can be hard to see our own beauty. I join the others in cheering you on as you dance thru this week!
One counseler po-pooed that my slim & lovely daughter could have 'issues' around body & self image; (she chose not to work with that one!) While another asked "How has being beautiful served you?" which invited her to talk about being seen as 'blond, dumb, pretty, . . .' rather than smart, wise, powerful!!
Bright blessings & hugs
Sorry I haven't visited your blog for a couple of days....life has been kinda crazy here and it barely allowed me time to post.
Your post literally made me take off my glasses and cry....I so wanted to reach out and give you the biggest hug ever.
Genie....how could you NOT make it through with your inner beauty shining so brightly? Do you realise just how much you have touched everyone with your beautiful and loving heart in our circle?
Today's society is so bent on body image that it breaks my heart. Women as a whole are made to feel incomplete if their boobs aren't big enough so they pay out for fake ones....not to mention facial cosmetic surgery at such young ages. Models on catwalks are scary thin because they need to fit the image. It all seems so wrong. What ever happened to 'real' women?
While many would say I'm a slim build, I do have issues with my body.....saggy butt, flab, cellulite, and wrinkles which have all come with age. Some days, I'm okay with the reflection looking back at me and other days, I'm not. I think I like myself more than not and I think this 'soul' journey is a blessing for all of us. I love how Caroline suggested viewing our body as an innocent, little child so we can treat it just as gentle and loving.
Know you are not alone...
love, light and peace,
serena
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