Forgive Me. It Has Been Months....

...since my last online confession!

Life's linemen have dogpiled me; and I've been having a hell of time trying to get out from under them. Not that I have succeeded, as I am doing summer school again this year so that I can finally put down a real floor in my basement.

Imagine that. I will have a whole other floor to use. Heck, maybe I can actually fit more than three people in one room at a time!

Heavens! I might even get a social life again... :)

I would love to report exciting things, and fantastical happenings but alas, I have been chugging along, one manic step at a time.

I would love to reconnect with all of you. I would adore to take the time not just to read your blogs which I do occasionally, but to actually, GASP, comment! As it is, I thought I would post something brief to reassure those of you who are wondering what the heck happened to motor blogger... (BUG HUGS to Linda and Judi!). Believe it or not I think of you often! And I will come by your blog homes and leave some blog love soon! I will also be blogging for Big Brother Dish Chicks!

In case you're wondering I added comment moderation on older posts (namely all of them except this one...lol) because the evil spammers found me. Le sigh! :)

Just one more month and I will be free to be just human again. Sigh... Until then my lovelies!

Judgsicle

It's almost 11 pm; and I had a choice between going to bed, or writing. So, I sit here at my computer, with water and thoughts milling in my head.

Next door, my neighbors are celebrating a birthday in the backyard. They are loud and boisterous. I let the first wave of irritation wash away. I let the negative pass over me. Begrudging them their celebration, no matter how much it's disturbing my train of thought, is beneath me. Judging them because of the drinks they're drinking, and their loud laughter is just plain petty.

Party on dudes.

I think about judgment. The good of it and the bad of it.

And whether our judgments define us.

It is wise to use judgment when assessing new or difficult situations. "Use your best judgment,"they say. Does one buy new clothes one does not need, or does one pay off debt? Will one get more pleasure wearing a new outfit? Of course. Will one get more satisfaction knowing there is less to pay off? No doubt. We can't have our skirt and new furnace too. Decisions need to be made, judgments need to be formed. Sometimes quickly.

Then there is judicial judgment. We count on it's objectivity and fairness, even though at times it rankles our morality. Sometimes judgment sticks in our craw. Sometimes going by the book, by facts alone, bereft of emotion, is necessary. Sometimes, it's not. Emotion is a big part of who we are as human beings. But judgment and emotion don't eat at the same table.

Too much emotion makes judgment, judgmental. It's like going mental. If you're observant, and sometimes even if you're not, you can hear the judgmental in the tone and syntax of statements, aimed to put others in their place.

"Some of us have better things to do."

"That's one hour you can never get back in your life."

"Do you really need to buy another skirt?"

"Don't you think you've had enough?"

"Is that all you did this weekend?"

Why does the word "loser" seem to be a silent member of those sentences? Riding the air of those sentences like a churlish fiend, snickering behind its hand, offering us a big bitter bite from the judgsicles he is selling.

Judgmental scrutiny is often aimed at those of us who do not hide. Those of us who put our true selves out there. Sometimes those statements make hiding a safe idea. Maybe putting ourselves out there is not a very wise thing. Not using our best judgment.

I often think about the times I have caught myself being judgmental. They are not my finest moments. Yet, in acknowledging them, I make myself more aware. In being aware, I force myself to be more fair. More objective. I find myself using good judgment the next time. Or the time after that. After all, I am not perfect.

Far from it. :)

So, I pledge that I will serve people fewer judgcicles. Or at lease try. And when they offer them to me, I will politely decline. Yeah. That sounds like a plan.

Splendiferous Cocoon

There comes a time when the line between the possible and impossible must be drawn. A time to know which battles to retreat from and which to take on. There comes a time when a settled peace must reign, in order to restore direction and sanity. A time to let go, and move on. With less luggage, with fewer expectations, with muted longing.

The turmoil that accompanies striving toward a goal, a goal that cannot be attained no matter how many wishes you make, no matter how many visualizations you conjure, no matter how many intentions are good, must cease. And in that moment, you feel your breath coming in more easily; you feel your muscles relax, your mind unclench.

I have been in a cocoon of seething confusion, going through a tumultuous and often painful process of reshaping my life, untying my expectations, letting go of my perceptions of the unfinished and of failure.

I have numbed my senses so that my brain can use all its stores to work out the problem at hand. The problem that we face at crucial junctures in our lives. The question of: what now?

And the answer came slowly but clearly.

Now.

I dumped all the toxins that my heart and mind have been accumulating, and cleared my vision for the road before me.

This might sound very nebulous, but now with my vision cleared, and my mind off its self-imposed manic merry-go-round, I find myself at peace with my decision and with who I am.

And what of me?

I am a person who speaks the truth in the moment even if it makes others uncomfortable. I refuse to feel guilty for their discomfort because it is born from a habit of subterfuge. I have come to understand that most people find it impossible to speak out in the moment, to address the issue at hand. The answer to the real game of Clue has been: behind closed doors, with half truths, gossip and innuendo. The funny thing is that nothing ever is kept secret. All closed doors have an ear attached to them, listening. Listening. I would rather face the person than her back.

In my so called professional career, I have been targeted because of the fact that I will not sugar coat the truth or the situation. I will not bow down in hypocrisy. When the public punishment came, when I became an example to all that speaking your mind carries dire consequences, even in a society that defends freedom of speech and ideology, I knew that my truth hit home. And when my indignation and anger subsided, I realized that I had won. That even when the worst could happen, I was intact. I am intact.

And so is the truth.

So, I am here blogging. Not about a creative venture I have undertaken, or about a silly show I watch to numb my senses, but about survival.

And to give thanks. Thanks to those of you who have taken a moment of your time to come read, and to give me your support and your lovely words. Your very presence in this world gives me hope. Because you are fabulous.

Life goes on, and as I step over the remnants of my cocoon, bringing with me only the feeling of OM, of Zen, of Je m'en fous. I carry your words with me like a talisman.

Blog Interrupted

I have reached a blog crisis. Every time I think about my blog, I am riddled with guilt. Guilt that I am not keeping up with it. Guilt that I am not visiting my blogging buddies even though I think of you often. Guilt that I am not writing/sharing anything meaningful.

As I watch my followers dwindle, I am overtaken with a sense of loss. Why wouldn't people stop following? What's to follow? I have reduced my blogging to writing about a show I am not that into and which, in the grand scheme of my life, means nothing. And the guilt rages on.

I make resolutions to write every day. And I do write every day. Just not on my blog. I can only share my book when I have secured copyright. We all know that no matter how many copyright laws are in place, people routinely and blithely steal off the internet. Images, words, songs, movies. The list goes on.

The fact remains that my life is in turmoil right now. I am in a holding pattern, focusing on one step at a time. I have been beaten down, and though I am not one to cave, it has taken its toll on me. Many mixed metaphors here.

My life has become a mixed metaphor.

Around me lie bits and pieces of my projects, dreams, goals. Scrap book stickers, beads, and watercolors. I start a project and wander off into my catatonia. I cannot sustain a thought long enough to express it properly.

I stumble over my words.

Yes, I still laugh and make others laugh. Yes. I reach out to my friends. Yes. I pour my creativity into my lessons. Into my passion.

But right now. I am a woman in a Picasso painting. I am a mosaic of splintered pieces of what I have been and I am transforming. Slowly. Taking bird steps. Shaking my wings.

Which brings me back to this blog.

I have been teetering on the brink of deleting it. With the need to step away from the guilt it is generating, I have been wondering whether it is best to make a clean break.

But I miss you all. I miss your stories of empowerment, and struggle, and victory. I miss your art, your children, your words. Yet, I do not come to your door. Because I will come with empty hands and an empty mind.

So I apologize. That I have not been present. That I have not come to visit you and spread seeds of joy like I used to for a long time. I still care about you, think about you, and love you.

Blessed be. :)

Insane Reality

What is reality anyway? Is any two people's reality the same? They can experience the identical but perceive it from different lenses, lenses honed by the unique grouping and chemical reaction of their experiences, bias, and feelings.

On Celebrity Apprentice, Mr. Trump expressed his perplexity at the fact that the women did not make as many tips as the men, given that "many of [them] are beautiful." Gee Donald, aren't you special. His bias came tumbling out of his big mouth easily. Cyndi Lauper gave him GPA directions on where to go and she didn't back down. She set him straight when he started in on Rosie O'Donnell; she made sure he saw her supreme distaste at his language; and she wouldn't quiver under his overbearing. loutish demeanor. Trump might be a powerful, filthy rich entrepreneur, and Lauper might be an entertainer, but my wholehearted respect lies with the latter.

Tonight, the final 12 sing on AI. I have been wrestling with the thought of skipping it. I don't know how much of the "judging" I can take, but I committed to it, so I will see it through.

Speaking of judges. I was watching ABDC (America's Best Dance Crew) on Sunday; and as I listened to the judges' give the crews notes, I was struck by the contrast between them and the panel on AI. On ABDC, the judges give the crews constructive criticism and observations, specific details and areas to focus on. There are no personal attacks on the contestants, no jeering commentary, no jokes at their expense. The judges on AI can take some pointers from them....

Tonight, they sing Rolling Stones. This might be painful...

Speaking of painful, they brought back the human interest stories. Time to feel manipulated. Why can't they just focus on the singing?

Michael Lynche sings "Miss you." He starts with his now signature falsetto; and sprinkles it liberally with some funk. Will this cause Kara to blubber again? Randy babbles on, and concludes that Mike "slayed it". Ellen is on board with the praise. Kara spills all she knows about the Stones. Simon is being honest again, calling his dancing "corny" and "desperate." WTF? Ryan tries to clarify what Simon said; Simon gets crusty; and Ryan, my new personal hero, gets right in his face. It was the best spectacle this show has offered this season!

Thankfully, I will be getting a PVR. I will relish the fast forward option. :)

Didi Benami sings "Playing with Fire". She is dressed in black, and is darkly dramatic. This is her most animated performance to date. Randy drools. Ellen bubbles. Kara simpers; and Simon babbles.

Casey James sings "It's All Over Now" spinning it into a country tune. Though it isn't my favorite genre of music, I must give him props for riding that song like a seasoned cowboy. They will probably need to scrape Kara off the floor. Randy is excited. Who cares? Ellen is hysterically funny. Kara... blah blah... soul... blah. Simon doesn't agree. Calls it an audition performance without using the stage. His contract must state that he has to disagree at intervals, or he is just crusty.

Lacey Brown tackles "Ruby Tuesday". Cue violins. This interpretation is highly ill-advised. There is Mozart; and there are the Stones. The twain should never meet. She went off key in several places; and confused the heck out of me. Randy says something. Ellen advises her not to go to the Grand Canyon because she loves to sit on the edge of things. Kara goes 50/50. Simon says he was trying to think it through while she was performing. I hope he didn't sprain anything.

Andrew Garcia's rendition of "Give Me Shelter" is just a shot away. His singing is powerful and passionate. But, meh. The judges commentary has managed to delete everything that is unique about him. Randy brings out the "pitchy" from his bag of tricks. Ellen thinks it was his best performance yet. Kara wants to feel war. Ridiculous. Simon asks her if she wanted him to come on stage with a tank. LOL! Two points for Simon.

Katie Stevens chose "Wild Horses" hoping it's the most current of the "old" songs. There she is on the stool, in a dress most 5 years olds wear, making the Stones sound Celine Dion. The horror. She has such amazing range in her vocals; but she needs coaching on her vocals and her stage persona. Randy acknowledges that they gave her a lot of misdirection. Then I stopped listening. Their comments were like wilted lettuce.

Tim Urban aka the fourth Jonas Brother sings "Under My Thumb" in Reggae beat. I have never disliked a reggae tune, until tonight. Seriously? He might as well put on a tight dress and sing "Happy Birthday Mister President". Randy thinks it bizarre. Ellen boos herself, saying she feels like she was at a resort. Piña Colada... Mmm! Kara shows her bias and applauds him for doing something different. How about you applaud everyone who does so, Kara? Simon says it didn't work, and Stones fans would be turning off their TVs. I came very close, Simon. Very close.

Siobhan Magnus belts out "Painted Black". She looks and sounds spectacular. She is deliciously dramatic. My skin has filled with goosebumps. I am looking at a star. As far as I am concerned, this was the first performance of the night. What other contestants? Randy and Ellen loved it. Kara compares her to Adam Lambert. Simon calls it the stand-out performance of the night. Not even they can deny the brilliance of Siobhan. :)

Lee Dewyze is up next with "Beast of Burden". He sings it in a very Lee Dewyze, laid back, authentic way, with his raspy strong voice. Randy thinks it was "dope". Ellen compares it to a hospital gown, not completely together. Oh Ellen, I heart thee. Kara wants to celebrate his growth. No comment. Simon thinks Lee needs to let his personality to come through more.

Paige Miles has chosen "Honky Tonk Woman". She maintains a very bluesy country feel throughout the song. Very supersonic. The person who suggested her wardrobe, however needs to be fired. Gray shorts jumper with black tights and brown boots. Not good. Randy thinks she pulled it out. Whatever that means. Ellen says she has presence on stage. Kara's comments are irrelevant. Simon and Randy didn't know she had laryngitis. What show do they work for?

Aaron Kelly starts off on the stairs with his version of "Angie" which is adequate. The kid has a very good voice, but the stage swallows him up. Which leads me to my strong belief that they need to not let anyone on under 18. They need time to season. Not that at 18, they are seasoned enough, but they need more time. Randy could hear Justin Timberlake. Turn off your iPod Randy. Ellen called it one of the stand-out performances of the night. Really? Kara and Simon give him props.

Last is Crystal Bowersox who takes on "You Can't Always Get What You Want". Gotta love the make-overs at this point. Crystal is very talented and sounds the most professional of all the contestants. The crowd loves her and so do the judges. Even if she doesn't sing that well, they will praise her. They are kinder in their tone toward her, while they slam others for the same things.

Well, that's all I wrote this week for AI.

Who do I think should say their goodbyes? Tim Urban for sure. It will be a toss up between Paige, Katie and Didi.

Until next week! :)

Reality Insanity

I sit here in my office, staring out at the snow as it tumbles down in tufts for the first time this season. My coffee is warm and perfect. My house is quiet. Peace reigns inside and outside my head.

I have not fallen off the face of this planet. I have been cocooning, trying to restore my balance, my sense of direction, my stoicism. What I have been doing a lot of is reading and watching television - namely the Olympics and reality TV.

First, and foremost, I would like to especially thank Serena, Gemma, Judi, Rowena, Boho Mama, Shell, Steve, Tabby, Paula, Queen Muse, Rosebud, Tess (welcome!) and Cynthia (welcome back!) for your beautifully supportive and touching comments. All the best to you, my blogging friends. I have returned to blogland because of you. There was a time I thought of deleting my blog and leaving because I started to think I had nothing much to say worth sharing and because I have been a very poor blog pal indeed.

My news in a nutshell:

• My gluten-free diet has had several positive effects. I have gone down a dress size; I don't feel bloated with painful gas any more; my skin is clearing up. The most interesting part about all this is that it has not been a struggle to maintain. No falling off the wagon. No cravings that I can't overcome.

• I have now almost completely gone organic, especially with meat and dairy products. The hormones that have been fattening up the livestock, have been fattening me up. I figure it's worth a try, and since only good can come of it, there is nothing to lose, except a few extra dollars and hopefully a lot of extra pounds. And as the commercial says, I'm worth it. :)

• I have scrapped all my other projects in favor of writing about something that has truly preoccupied me which is the sad state of my profession. The preliminary title of my book is School Schmool, but that it bound to change. I will share some of it with you, welcoming your feedback.

• I have immersed myself in reality TV: Amazing Race, The Bachelor, Survivor, American Idol. There is something lurky and seedy about these shows that in my present state of mind, I crave. I have always been a student of human nature, my own and others'; and these shows provide me with infinite material. It is mostly this material that I will be sharing with you on my blog until the implosion of my personal life settles into something more inspiring. :)

Here are some of my preliminary thoughts on these shows:

Amazing Race is easily my favorite because not only does it take us around the world to experience things we probably never will, but it contains a lovely element of personal achievement. This season has an additional sweet spot, namely the inclusion of a couple who met and got together on Big Brother, Jeff and Jordan. I enjoy seeing them in circumstances diametrically opposed to those on BB. They have been doing quite well; not to mention they are genuinely cute together.

Survivor: Heroes versus Villains is really a misnomer. It is supremely difficult to win this game being a "hero". Strategy is all about blindsides and backstabbing. After all they must outwit, outplay, outlast. I have favorites from both those tribes, and am looking forward to seeing what happens.

The Bachelor is not a show I usually watch, and have not watched throughout. The whole concept is quite unsettling especially with contractual obligations to pretend to be "in love" or "falling for" multiple partners, ensuing in inevitable drama. The thing that got to me about this season is not the participants as much as the viewers and the media. You would have to live in a time-warped bubble not to notice how the tabloids, show hosts, and entertainment commentators have been shamelessly trashing one of the women of the show, Vienna. People have been saying and printing some very vicious statements about her; and having watched some of the show, I have to wonder what about her brings out the mean girl in so many. To repeat what they have been saying would be condoning it, so I won't but seriously do these people have any mirrors in their homes?

American Idol Season 9 is under way; and for the first time I have been watching it since the auditions. Though I had some early favorites, the first show with the 24 left me bored and repeatedly reaching for the remote, especially when I writhed with agony at the many pitch problems. Could the contestants even hear themselves? I watched as each of my favorites floundered through songs I would have not picked for them, and renditions that either puzzled me or left me in need of pain killers. I am cursed with perfect pitch. My ears were offended regularly by several of the women and men.

The one bright spot of the show? Ellen. She brings a ray of sunshine on the judges' panel which has been horribly nasty, and unproductively negative throughout the process. They laughed in people's faces during some of the auditions; and no matter how foolish and deluded those auditioning are, it does not excuse this rude and childish behavior on the part of the judges. The comments they were making on the first live show, while true, could have been tempered with some tact and humanity. In past seasons, I have always agreed with Simon's assessment, after all, the man knows the industry; but I found myself shaking my head at his comments on Tuesday's and Wednesday's shows. He has been particularly brutal. His eye might be projected into his X Factor future, but this is no way to act. He was however, not the only one with inappropriate commentary and behaviour. Kara DioGuardi's simpering and carrying on during contestant's Casey James' performance was just plain embarrassing.

Phew. What a long post! Stay tuned for more show commentary and snippets of the book I am writing. I will be coming around like a good blog neighbor to have some tea at your blog homes and eagerly read what you have been up to!

Cheers my beautiful friends. :) It's good to be back.

Choked and Punked

I would like to begin by thanking those of you who have been sending me your support and good thoughts. I feel your caring surrounding me like a warm summer breeze in the chill of the reality that has bitten me. I have been fighting the demons of bitterness and disappointment.

I lost the battle.

The teacher's union said they can do nothing for me. There is nothing they can do for me unless some "ism" has been violated. Otherwise principals have carte blanche to vilify and abuse us. To make matters worse, the union rep I contacted didn't have the decency to even reply to my email. I heard it through another teacher who works on a committee with her.

The whole system is corrupt.

The irony? I'm a good teacher, a thoughtful leader, a spokesperson for those who cannot or will not use their voices. If I had been a horrible teacher, a pedophile, a deviant, I would have gotten some representation.

I made a decision to look at the positive to any situation. I can safely say, the universe has been testing me. It has been a struggle for me to lift my head above the clouds of this situation and see the sunshine. My colleagues have been more than sympathetic and supportive, outraged even. This is a reality check we have all been served. No one is fooled about the principal's motivations in targeting me. The problem is it doesn't matter what we see or what we know. Her tyranny will remain unchecked.

I will focus on my kids, the ones I am really there for. I will be the best teacher I can be, for them. And the rest be damned.

Yes, my blogging has suffered, and I have disappeared. I will get back in the groove. I will come back fighting.

But for now, I will regroup. I will keep my shoulders above the stormy clouds and try to absorb the rays of sunlight. :)

The Battle Begins.

So another battle wages in my world. I didn't go looking for it but it came to my doorstep. That's not to say, that the choices were clear for me, but a choice had to be made. This battle is helping me learn some very valuable lessons.

I can't go into specific details yet, but suffice it to say the Gremlin Principal has launched an attack against me, for the simple reason that I will not be silenced. And rather than take it, the super hero in me is launching a counter attack. The union is becoming involved.

The first lesson I learned is that I will not prostrate myself blindly to tyranny. The second lesson I learned is that I have many allies. It is humbling to find so many people rallying around me, equally outraged and willing to fight the good fight.

For those of you who know me and have been reading my blog for a while, you know the kind of untenable situation we work in at a school plagued by dictatorial and incompetent leadership. Staff from all ranks and students alike have reached the saturation point; and this latest targeting of me has been the straw that broke the camel's back.

I'm not being targeted because I am not doing an outstanding job, or because I am not an expert in my field, or because I have not made a lot of positive changes, or because I have not created an environment of collegiality and communication. I'm being targeted because I am outspoken. And that, my friends, is unacceptable in a society that prides itself on equity, freedom of speech, and inclusiveness.

The very way our school is being run has caused bloody revolutions in countries, has caused sit-ins and protests, and United Nations interventions. None of these extreme measures will apply here, but a battle is being waged with the tools of a "civilized" society.

I had a choice. Swallow this bitter pill, say nothing, do nothing, and allow the Principal to continue along her draconian path. Or. Take up the banner, gather my troops, and march headlong into the fight for liberty, justice and pursuit of unfettered education.

It is my duty as an educator, a proponent of critical thinking, mindful living and responsible action, to model this behaviour. If I were to lie down and allow myself to be run over by the freight train that is the administration, I might as well quit my job and sell butt plugs. I would not be worthy to stand before the young and claim to guide them into adulthood. I would be a sham. And that is not who I am.

That is not who I am.

Fun for Fun

Rock2010 by Genie Sea

(click to enlarge)

I made this on Polyvore. I just played around a bit, without a plan or purpose. Just added images and words as I was scrolling through them. Made my mind blank and let my intuition play.

Happiness is doing things just for the joy of it. No reason. No purpose. Just fun. Like kids. We all like kids, don't we? We envy their abandon, their trust, their headlong leap into life. We need more of that in our adult lives.

There is a little bit of magic everywhere, and you don't really have to look to hard to find it. There are infinity possibilities for happiness everywhere. How exciting is that? :)

Gluten-Free for Me

I am on week two of my gluten-free existence. You would think it would be a hardship like most dietary restrictions, but it's not. At first, it was difficult trying to find substitutes for the yumminess that comes in gluten products such as whole grain breads which I love, but I have successfully navigated the substitutions and feel no loss.

It's been like a mini mystery, trying to discover all those hidden glutens that reside in foods like ice cream and oyster sauce; but I have been reading labels like they are the hottest best sellers. It doesn't help that I have also eliminated all soy products from my diet as well, and you would be surprised where soy resides. I have had to become more creative in my preparation of marinades using oyster juice, Tabasco sauce and sesame seed oil for my stir-fried meals.

But it's all worth it because less gluten equals smaller glutes. :)

And the results have been dramatic. The dry patches are disappearing from my skin. I don't feel bloated all the time. I don't get acid reflux all the time like I used to. I have more energy. I am sleeping better.

Fruit, vegetables and nuts have substituted other gluten-rich foods. I am eating more meals throughout the day, and make sure I have protein with each meal. I feel full faster, and stay full throughout the day.

Who would have thought that such innocuous substances could do such damage to my system and my well-being? Who could have thought that with some small changes, I could feel worlds better? And I haven't even started my new workout routine!

Fantastic! :)