Moonlit Reverie

I wish I could type in the moonlight. When I first walked into my fun room, the moonlight was coming in through the slats of my blinds forming dreamy patterns on my desk. They disappeared when I turned on the light. There's a metaphor in there somewhere...

There are nights when my brain just switches on and wakes me up. My body thinks it's time to pee, but it's just a smoke screen. What's really happening is something is eating at me. So I tossed and turned for a bit trying to recapture sleep. It was 3:45 am after all... But the thoughts came crowding in again.

Time to purge. Put on the coffee, and come to my trusty outlet. My blog.

I've been unfaithful to my blog. Not because I have replaced it with anything meaningful, but because I silenced myself for a bit, for whatever reason. The brain however, cannot be silenced. No matter how much I struggle with the thoughts, some slightly profound, others definitely needy, maybe even petty, the thoughts win.

Then these questions woke me completely up. "Why am I shutting myself up? Why am I censoring myself? Judging myself for the thoughts that occupy my mind?" They are my thoughts; good, bad or indifferent, I own them.

Like yesterday, it became viscerally apparent to me how different I am from so many people around me. At lunch, we were talking about a recent award show host and his "humorous" monologue that sparked a lot of controversy. I don't find "roast" humor funny, everybody else finds it hilarious. As I watched them laughing uncontrollably at the clips on YouTube, it became apparent that  I have become or maybe have always been The Odd Person Out.

And how do I feel about that? Well obviously some part of me was affected because here I am in the early hours of the morning blogging about it. Some part of me must feel acutely isolated by the experience, but there's another part of me that asks, "So what? So what if I see things differently, experience them differently? I'm sure I'm not the only one to have felt this way. Isn't it what makes each of us unique? Do we all have to see everything the same way to belong to a group?" Or maybe. I just need to lighten up!

The irony of it is that I myself was joking earlier in a way that could be perceived as mean-spirited. My friend was retelling an experience she had with a colleague of ours who invited her to one of her parties. The woman in question approached my friend with, "I'm having a Latin-themed party. You can be the Mexican." (My friend has Mexican roots.) Who invites someone to a party because of their cultural background? A Latin-themed party to me means choice of food and music, maybe even decorations, not which guests will be invited... The whole thing struck me even harder because this woman is an educator so filled with ignorance, it's scary. So yes, I ragged on her a bit and spoofed the situation to bring out its stupidity, so in many ways, I'm no different than the award host. Does it make me a hypocrite?

Probably what it makes me is someone who over-thinks things, and needs to chill out. Maybe I should enjoy what I enjoy and appreciate that others enjoy other things without giving it such sinister and all-encompassing meanings. Maybe I should just enjoy the moonlight through the slats and stop ruining things by turning on the light. See? I knew there was a metaphor in there somewhere... :)

Her Dark Materials

In the midst of tinsel wishes, and dreams of new beginnings, while balancing the holidays with happy social engagements and time in my woman cave, enjoying my own company, making jewelry, watching movies, reading, I took stock of myself and the direction my life has taken.

There's been a darkness building inside, threatening to engulf me, making me vulnerable. It lies in wait, ready to find the worst in any scenario, ready to point out my faults, my failures, my lack. It might be the hormones that are bubbling inside me as I enter another cycle of life. It might be the constant reminder that my life has not turned out as I had envisioned it, especially during the holidays. It might be the realization that I am not at the top or even near the top of anyone's list. The fact remains that I have been battling the half empty glass. I have been trying to fill it, encouraging myself in the right direction, trying to live my life as it is rather than as I have wished it to be. I can call the glass something else. I can fill it with my blessings, but the darkness scoffs at me.

I'm so raw inside that even the slightest rebuff and criticism can wound me. The darkness inside me pounces like an evil monster, armed with fresh material, ready to dismantle me. Most of the time, I can disarm it, make tactical maneuvers and avoid its sharp sword. At other times its aim hits home and I am shattered. That's why more and more I have been retreating. No one can hurt me in my woman cave.

Therapy is definitely an option. Talking to someone who is qualified and paid to listen might just be my only feasible option. Yet, I hesitate, because trust is a hard thing to find. Trusting someone, looking into another person's eyes, and letting all the darkness out is not as easy as it sounds. Especially to an independent person like me.

As I type this post, a voice mutters, "Yet, you can type this out for all the world to see if they so choose." It might be horribly arrogant of me, but I hope that this will help someone, somewhere, who might be going through the same thing to know she/he is not alone.

Ironic, isn't it? Especially knowing that this darkness inside has fermented and festered through my feeling of isolation. Doubly ironic given the fact that I have come to terms with my aloneness, accepting it's embrace like a cocoon, knowing that I do have the freedom to do as I please without having to answer to someone else. That's a very half full glass.

But whether I call it half full or half empty, the fact remains that my glass contains less liquid that of others. I want to enjoy every drop. I want to revel in it's refreshing coolness. I want to wash away the darkness that lingers, ready to swallow me instead.

I can call it a resolution, but that would be naive. It's a process and a struggle, one that I must embrace until it is no more.

Firework

Sometimes, a song just hits home! :)

Firework

Katy Perry

Do you ever feel like a plastic bag,

drifting through the wind

wanting to start again?

Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin

like a house of cards,

one blow from caving in?

Do you ever feel already buried deep?

6 feet under screams but no one seems to hear a thing

Do you know that there's still a chance for you

'Cause there's a spark in you

You just gotta ignite, the light, and let it shine

Just own the night like the 4th of July

'Cause baby you're a firework

Come on, show 'em what you're worth

Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh"

As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby, you're a firework

Come on, let your colors burst

Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh"

You're gonna leave 'em all in down-own-own

You don't have to feel like a waste of space

You're original, cannot be replaced

If you only knew what the future holds

After a hurricane comes a rainbow

Maybe your reason why all the doors are closed

So you could open one that leads you to the perfect road

Like a lightning bolt, your heart will glow

And when it's time, you'll know

You just gotta ignite, the light, and let it shine

Just own the night like the 4th of July

'Cause baby you're a firework

Come on, show 'em what you're worth

Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh"

As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby, you're a firework

Come on, let your colors burst

Make 'em go "Oh, Oh, Oh"

You're gonna leave 'em all in down-own-own

Boom, boom, boom

Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon

It's always been inside of you, you, you

And now it's time to let it through-ough-ough

'Cause baby you're a firework

Come on, show 'em what you're worth

Make 'em go "Oh, Oh, Oh"

As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby, you're a firework

Come on, let your colors burst

Make 'em go "Oh, Oh, Oh"

You're gonna leave 'em all in down-own-own

Boom, boom, boom

Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon

Boom, boom, boom

Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon

Tis the Season

I was listening to the radio, switching in and out of attention on the babble the goes on between songs, when I was struck by the following report: They asked the Santa Clauses to stop ringing their bells downtown because it  was irritating pedestrians.

Really? That's what irritates people? Christmas bells? Not mufflers? Or car horns? Or bus brakes? Or the stench of exhaust pipes? Or the exorbitant holiday "sales"? Or the line ups? Or people bitching about the weather and pretty season sounds?

What's next?

Christmas lights? They hurt the eyes you know if you stare at them too long. Or children's voices? They can be high-pitched when they're excited or laughing. Heaven forbid their joy and the beauty of the season interfere with people's cell phone conversations or shopping frenzy of consumer gluttony.

I'm weird. The thing I look forward to most is the get-togethers filled with holiday cheer and seasonal good will, the Christmas songs, the winter drab being taken over with lights and bells and tinsel, the children buzzing with anticipation. I love the smells of baking and specialty coffee and snow in the air.

What happened to Joy? Peace on Earth? Good will toward all? Including the silenced Santas.

Today, Jamie Ridler's Wishcasting prompt is: "What do you wish to transform?"

I wish to take the Grinch and Master card out of Christmas and transform it back to the magical, loving, sharing, joyous season it should be.

Balancing the Blue

Before I type anything else, I'd like to send a huge wave of ♥ to everyone who sent their warm wishes and thoughts in my last few posts. You fill my heart with comfort, my soul with fresh air, and my mind with possibility in moments that they feel most depleted and battered,. THANK YOU!   :)

If you don't know Jamie Ridler, you're missing someone special. She has the organic ability to intuit the pulse of the world by coming up not only with amazing reading circles, interviews, dream boards, and avenues to connectivity, but by waving her magic sparkling wand over us every Wednesday, invoking powerful wishes from all over the world.

Today's prompt, like so many others, seems to have grown from my thoughts and experiences. Today, Jamie asks, "Where do you wish to go slow?"

Funny, this question should come up during a time in my life when I have been feeling like I'm sinking from existence, slowly whithering away into a puff of forgettable smoke. Not being one to indulge in worry and self-pity for too long, I have been searching my heart and mind for an exit- a way to balance the feelings that threaten to drown me, and those that buoy me above the surface. I have been balancing on the blue, bobbing up and down, seeking a way to save myself from the creatures that lie below the surface, ready to pull me down.

I try not to panic and thrash, for that gives the creatures of the deep more momentum to drown me. In times of crisis, I, like many, tend to act without thinking, unleashing a chain of events that regress my steps to a time before enlightenment. Rash, quick movements are not the best when surrounded by the deep blue, ready to engulf those who do not respect it.

I still my mind and my screaming heart, letting my body float on the waters both raging and benevolent. I know how to swim. I must rely on that. There is a shore somewhere with a warm fire, fresh food and clean clothes for my heart to gain respite from the struggle. I must dig deep, and go slow. In slowing down, I gain strength and listen to the water's purpose. Maybe, it's not meant to drown me, but trying to pull me in a direction my clueless mind cannot register yet.

I wish to slow down, and listen to the wisdom of the blue. Let it pilot me on my Odyssean travels. In slowness, I will find redemption.

My Reality: The First Step - Honesty

As I approached my forties, I began to deal with the growing realization that my life was not going in the direction I liked. My marriage sunk pretty early on, and the relationships I had after that were less than successful. Though I love children, it was becoming increasingly obvious that I would not have any. I hadn't found a suitable partner, nor did I have the finances and support system to be a single mother. I know that in many ways I am like a mother to my students, but it isn't the same thing.

In the Smörgåsbord of Life, my plate was being filled with lemon rinds and over-ripe tomatoes.

While all my friends' lives have been multiplying with people, mine has been shrinking. Friends married or cohabited with their partners, moving on to lifestyles that don't include single friends. Friends with children bonded over their common experience, finding nothing in common with their childless friend. That's not to say that I don't still have a core of good friends, who are more like family to me; and I am truly grateful to them for being in my life, but they are a fraction of the people I used to have in my life.

My only true family, my parents, passed away within months of each other; and though there were people to support me through that time, their loss shrunk my life even more. I had to deal with the long process of grieving on my own. Because there is no downer like someone crying about their loss a long time after it happened, I keep that to myself.

I used to write these thoughts in my blog, until I started feeling like I would sadden my blog buddies with my process. So I have remained silent.

This all sounds very depressing, but it's the reality of the life I have been living. I have been doing my best to expand my circle of being outside my life of one, to reach out to those who are less fortunate, knowing full well how fortunate I am. I have a roof over my head; I can take care of my own needs.

But the core of joy, the type that comes with sharing a conversation over a cup of tea or a glass of wine at the end of a long day, or tucking in a little sleepy form and reading him a bedtime story, or the smell of a baby fresh out of the bath, warm and giggly, that joy has not been in my life. And I miss it.

So I have been doing my best, to deal with the grieving process, the resentment of "why me", the self-pity of not being deemed worthy enough by fate to be loved, and the anger at "wasting" my life. Because it's very easy to be joyous, to talk about art, and self-improvement, and crafty projects, it's very easy to succeed when you come from the nurturing of another's love. It;s not so easy when every day you have a dinner for one to look forward to and a "conversation" with the TV.

As part of my process of change, I have decided to voice my thoughts and feelings on this my blog. So I begin with honesty. Looking the situation right in the face, and admitting that I'm sad. And that is good.

And in the spirit of opening up to joy again, I return to the splendid Jamie Ridler's Wishcasting Wednesday!

Today, Jamie asks, "What do you wish to invite in?"

I wish to invite in Love, Companionship and Family!

Thank you Jamie!

The Mighty R

Sometimes, I have the urge to retreat inside myself because the world is too much to handle. In the past, this would be accompanied by a sense of guilt because I felt like I was being antisocial or a recluse. However, when I'm feeling that my social interactions are taking chunks out of me, this is the wisest move. I have learned to leave the quilt outside the door with the rest of the world clamoring to dump its various agendas and needs at my feet.

In those times, I need to regroup myself and find the core of my being. In crisis mode, the panic sets in and I cannot think clearly. I need to focus on my breath and listen to the meaning in the pauses. I often judge myself and my life by other people's standards; and it is at that time that I most need to find the core meaning in my life, the way it is, not the way I wish it to be.

In consequence, when I find my center, and have stopped beating up myself over things I truly cannot change, I move on to rethink my next steps. I form a plan of action that makes sense for me, not anyone else. I compile a list of must haves, cannot haves, will not do withouts, and will not accept. I place them in perfect little piles pondering on each and every one. Saying goodbye.

The crucial next step is to release all expectations imposed on me by others, expectations that I have adopted as my own, expectations that have grafted themselves onto my soul and burdened it with their impossibility. I watch them as they burn or float into the air, my breath getting easier with the disappearance of each one.

Feeling lighter, I can revive myself, recharged with the new center, uncluttered by guilt and failure and loss.

That's when I can re-enter the world,
my true self,
without the layers of crud,
detoxified
and ready to meet the world again.

Status Update

Living in a world that is over-informed about the most trivial events like when someone had a pumpkin spice donut or they stubbed a toe in the middle of the night, I wonder why my online presence is lessening when everyone else's is increasing.

Sometimes, it feels like we're contestants on some nebulous popularity contest: how many followers we have on twitter, or in the blogosphere, how many "friends" we have on Faceplant, how many people comment or like or retweet the shit we say. There is literally a whole generation of people who are developing the text slouch, text thumbs and text attention span. If you can't say it fast, then I'm not interested.

As a society, we're moving farther and farther away from human contact. People don't feel comfortable and are quickly losing the ability to interact with others. Communication is devolving and more treacherous. One doesn't have to mince words if they're sending a text or commenting on someone's page. Cyber-bullying has become more rampant for the simple fact that most youth don't realize that they're doing it. It's easy to slam someone if you're not looking them in the eye while doing it.

It reminds me of the Milgram Experiment conducted in the 60's where subjects were told that they had to give increasing electric shocks to other "subjects"(really actors) out of sight in another room. Most of those administering the shock eventually ran up to 450 volts of electricity for wrong answers. They had no idea that the shocks were fake, and though some refused to continue, most did when they were told they would not be held responsible.

Remind you of something?

But I digress. All this has nothing to do with my decreased online presence. I just have nothing of personal importance happening, and I can't bring myself to let everyone know every minutia of my existence. I'm sure someone, somewhere cares that I've lost the craving for coffee and have gone to drinking jasmine tea; but even typing this detail bores me. Maybe I'm just craving some real dialogue, some honest face-to-face conversation over a pint of beer or a coffee. Maybe I just don't want to be a contestant.

Facebookphilia

When they make a movie about how a social network system came to be, then you know it has taken over the very fabric of our lives. Facebook is everywhere, and like anything, it can be used for productive healthy interactions or it can be used for shady dealings.

In New York, several educators lost their jobs for inappropriate behaviour with students which, in some form, involved the use of Facebook. In the New York Post article, Teachers fired for flirting on Facebook with students, it calls for the education boards to make policies governing social networking between teachers and students. Talk about chucking out the baby with the bath water.

These adults acted inappropriately not because of Facebook. They were simply caught because of it. They used this online network to prey on the young, but calling for a ban of its use by all teachers because "you have too many teachers who won't think this out" is an insult to the hundreds of thousands of teachers who are not pedophiles and will not prey on their students, with or without Facebook.

School papers, teams and clubs have Facebook pages to communicate events, practices, rehearsals, and scheduling. Teachers use Facebook as extensions to novels, as homework clubs, as ways to obtain missing work.

I use blogs for this purpose, but I have a handful of former students as friends on Facebook, at their request. They sometimes reach out to tell me about what they're doing in their lives, how their university experience in going, when they can visit their alma mater. But other than that, I hardly hear from them. The last thing they want or need is to hang out with their former teacher. They just want to keep a part of their high school experience with them a little longer, and they feel secure having an adult they trust be available to them.

I consider it an honor.

And one day, when they graduate, get their first job, find their soul mate, get married, have their kids, I will learn about it, and be happy for them. These handful won't have gone into the vacuum of life, but be a part of mine in some small way.

Do I deserve to lose my job?

If an adult preys on a young person for any reason, especially sexual, they deserve all the wrath that society has to dole out. However, I find it insulting that just because I happen to share a profession with them, I have to be reprimanded and treated like an imbecile. I find it insulting that just because I have a connection with students beyond the classroom, that I would be suspect of wrongdoing. They are like my children. According to the Education Act, I am their in loco parentis (in place of a parent) and I take this sacred task seriously.

When parents are caught abusing their children, is there a public outcry to remove all children from their parents' care?

We have to decide what kind of society we live in. Do we let the criminal element determine how everyone should be treated? Do we label everyone who happens to share the gender, or race, or family tree the same as them? Or do we use all the available adults at our disposal, parents, teachers, pediatricians, day care workers, cross guards, coaches and club advisors as a team of people looking after our young, protecting them against the likes of  those who would put them in harm's way? I think we all know the answer to that.

And it's time we stop burying our Facebook in the sand.

It's Not a Crime...

It's not a crime to be grumpy. If you decide to go to the corner store in your pajamas make sure you accessorize, and try not to do so in broad daylight...

It's not a crime to be angry. If you're going to express it, paint on campus might be the best way. You can call it art and not collateral damage.

It's not a crime to be disappointed. Sometimes shit happens, and we're left with the clean-up. Use gloves.

It's not a crime to be sad. If someone says there's no reason and to cheer up; tell them to walk a day in your pajamas!

It's not a crime to be selfish. Sometimes. There are limits. If you find yourself eying some random kid's candy, it's time for some yoga; and if anything was made for pajamas, yoga's it!

It's not a crime to want more. Focus on more success rather than more ice cream. One pays the bills, the other creates them.

It's not a crime to be jealous. Use it as a motivator to achieve the things that are lacking in your life. If you find yourself contemplating a hit man, then it's time to seek therapy.

It's not a crime to not like someone. As long as you can live with the fact that it's probably mutual, and move on.

It's not a crime being different. We live on the planet Earth, not planet Stepford. Whether we like it or not, we are all different. Some might be better at hiding it, but I say flaunt it! Just  don't go into traffic court in said pajamas. They have the power to put you away...

There are many things in the world that are crimes, like killing endangered species, or being cruel to others, or making people who have nothing useful to contribute into celebrities and leaders; being human is not one of them.

:)