Filling the Un

There are many times, I have had that unsettled feeling that I am not productive enough, not leaving a significant enough mark in the world, not clutching onto that brass ring, not swinging on that star. It hits me once in a while, and I ride the familiar roller coaster of unease. It's more than restlessness and just shy of  full-blown panic.

On my desk, there are literally 3 novels in various stages of completion, sitting there. There are countless ideas for novels and books in my head. Yet they gather dust in both places. At my work station, I have boxes of beads and bindings waiting to be turned into jewelry. In my drawers, there are paints and brushes, pens and appliques, paper and pencils waiting to participate in my great art project. On my computer are various images and textures itching to be turned into digital art. On my phone, under To Do, is listed a camera that I want to buy and start taking photographs to use in said digital art.

Let's not even mention the other things on my To Do list that need to be done. One of which is bombing my garden because after all that work and money, it is again overgrown with weeds. So much for low-maintenance garden. Time to install grass and put this albatross on the market. I'm not made for this. Give me a self-contained apartment and I'm good to go.

And as I sit, with this feeling of un-achievement. As I wallow in all the things that I could be doing but don't, I ask myself: What the Eff are you waiting for? What's holding you back? Where has all your mojo gone?

Maybe I simply have given myself too many things to do. It could be possible that I'm suffering from apprentice-at-many-things-but-master-at-none syndrome. Maybe, my focus should be shifted from all the things that are not getting done, created, achieved and focus on what I have accomplished to start with.

After a long struggle, I am solidly on the road to losing weight, having lost 30 lbs or so over the summer. I feel like I am carving myself out of the layer of excess baggage I have been carrying around for most of my life. After all, I have lost a small 5 year old that had been piggy-backing on my body. I feel lighter, more accomplished, prettier and more human. I feel like I will achieve the total weight loss that has been my Nemesis and be the woman I have always been inside, underneath, in my head.

That's huge. That mends my self-esteem and how I move about in the world. It helps my gaze meet that of others instead of looking away in shame because of the way I look. It boosts my confidence and self-assurance that I have a place in the world instead of living in a category of people who are constantly being criticized, made fun of or pitied. I am becoming unchained from the stereotype that fits a body type that fits a mental image this society has about people who have looked like me. That's got to be worth as much as a finished novel?

I have been independent and supporting myself for most of my life. I have gotten very little help along the way in paying for my bills, making the decisions that make a life function smoothly, providing the necessities and some of the luxuries. I have managed to buy, sustain and pay for two houses in succession by myself. That's gotta count for something. At least one line of jewelry can equate to this accomplishment.

I have successfully eased 20 years-worth of students into an understanding of how their brains work, an appreciation of literature and the written word. I have made them think, and laugh and be engaged. And I'm still doing it to this day with equal commitment and passion. I love the essence of my job though I have no interest in the politics and agendas that plague the system that has not succeeded in jading me from the things that I love- imparting the brilliance of literature and the students with which I interact. That's surely on par with a gallery of paintings?

Am I famous? Hell no. Will I ever be? Who the heck knows? That doesn't mean I haven't achieved greatness in some small way (yes, I know it's an oxymoron). It also doesn't mean that the novel I have been sitting on, or the jewelry line that languishes in my head, or the artwork that is awaiting to leave my fingertips will not surface. It means that I need to stop focusing on the unfulfilled and start filling it.. bit by bit.

The feeling between uneasiness and full-blown panic begins to ease. I reach for my phone and put "Save for a Camera" on the top of my to-do list.