My Reality: The First Step - Honesty

As I approached my forties, I began to deal with the growing realization that my life was not going in the direction I liked. My marriage sunk pretty early on, and the relationships I had after that were less than successful. Though I love children, it was becoming increasingly obvious that I would not have any. I hadn't found a suitable partner, nor did I have the finances and support system to be a single mother. I know that in many ways I am like a mother to my students, but it isn't the same thing.

In the Smörgåsbord of Life, my plate was being filled with lemon rinds and over-ripe tomatoes.

While all my friends' lives have been multiplying with people, mine has been shrinking. Friends married or cohabited with their partners, moving on to lifestyles that don't include single friends. Friends with children bonded over their common experience, finding nothing in common with their childless friend. That's not to say that I don't still have a core of good friends, who are more like family to me; and I am truly grateful to them for being in my life, but they are a fraction of the people I used to have in my life.

My only true family, my parents, passed away within months of each other; and though there were people to support me through that time, their loss shrunk my life even more. I had to deal with the long process of grieving on my own. Because there is no downer like someone crying about their loss a long time after it happened, I keep that to myself.

I used to write these thoughts in my blog, until I started feeling like I would sadden my blog buddies with my process. So I have remained silent.

This all sounds very depressing, but it's the reality of the life I have been living. I have been doing my best to expand my circle of being outside my life of one, to reach out to those who are less fortunate, knowing full well how fortunate I am. I have a roof over my head; I can take care of my own needs.

But the core of joy, the type that comes with sharing a conversation over a cup of tea or a glass of wine at the end of a long day, or tucking in a little sleepy form and reading him a bedtime story, or the smell of a baby fresh out of the bath, warm and giggly, that joy has not been in my life. And I miss it.

So I have been doing my best, to deal with the grieving process, the resentment of "why me", the self-pity of not being deemed worthy enough by fate to be loved, and the anger at "wasting" my life. Because it's very easy to be joyous, to talk about art, and self-improvement, and crafty projects, it's very easy to succeed when you come from the nurturing of another's love. It;s not so easy when every day you have a dinner for one to look forward to and a "conversation" with the TV.

As part of my process of change, I have decided to voice my thoughts and feelings on this my blog. So I begin with honesty. Looking the situation right in the face, and admitting that I'm sad. And that is good.

And in the spirit of opening up to joy again, I return to the splendid Jamie Ridler's Wishcasting Wednesday!

Today, Jamie asks, "What do you wish to invite in?"

I wish to invite in Love, Companionship and Family!

Thank you Jamie!

The Mighty R

Sometimes, I have the urge to retreat inside myself because the world is too much to handle. In the past, this would be accompanied by a sense of guilt because I felt like I was being antisocial or a recluse. However, when I'm feeling that my social interactions are taking chunks out of me, this is the wisest move. I have learned to leave the quilt outside the door with the rest of the world clamoring to dump its various agendas and needs at my feet.

In those times, I need to regroup myself and find the core of my being. In crisis mode, the panic sets in and I cannot think clearly. I need to focus on my breath and listen to the meaning in the pauses. I often judge myself and my life by other people's standards; and it is at that time that I most need to find the core meaning in my life, the way it is, not the way I wish it to be.

In consequence, when I find my center, and have stopped beating up myself over things I truly cannot change, I move on to rethink my next steps. I form a plan of action that makes sense for me, not anyone else. I compile a list of must haves, cannot haves, will not do withouts, and will not accept. I place them in perfect little piles pondering on each and every one. Saying goodbye.

The crucial next step is to release all expectations imposed on me by others, expectations that I have adopted as my own, expectations that have grafted themselves onto my soul and burdened it with their impossibility. I watch them as they burn or float into the air, my breath getting easier with the disappearance of each one.

Feeling lighter, I can revive myself, recharged with the new center, uncluttered by guilt and failure and loss.

That's when I can re-enter the world,
my true self,
without the layers of crud,
detoxified
and ready to meet the world again.

Status Update

Living in a world that is over-informed about the most trivial events like when someone had a pumpkin spice donut or they stubbed a toe in the middle of the night, I wonder why my online presence is lessening when everyone else's is increasing.

Sometimes, it feels like we're contestants on some nebulous popularity contest: how many followers we have on twitter, or in the blogosphere, how many "friends" we have on Faceplant, how many people comment or like or retweet the shit we say. There is literally a whole generation of people who are developing the text slouch, text thumbs and text attention span. If you can't say it fast, then I'm not interested.

As a society, we're moving farther and farther away from human contact. People don't feel comfortable and are quickly losing the ability to interact with others. Communication is devolving and more treacherous. One doesn't have to mince words if they're sending a text or commenting on someone's page. Cyber-bullying has become more rampant for the simple fact that most youth don't realize that they're doing it. It's easy to slam someone if you're not looking them in the eye while doing it.

It reminds me of the Milgram Experiment conducted in the 60's where subjects were told that they had to give increasing electric shocks to other "subjects"(really actors) out of sight in another room. Most of those administering the shock eventually ran up to 450 volts of electricity for wrong answers. They had no idea that the shocks were fake, and though some refused to continue, most did when they were told they would not be held responsible.

Remind you of something?

But I digress. All this has nothing to do with my decreased online presence. I just have nothing of personal importance happening, and I can't bring myself to let everyone know every minutia of my existence. I'm sure someone, somewhere cares that I've lost the craving for coffee and have gone to drinking jasmine tea; but even typing this detail bores me. Maybe I'm just craving some real dialogue, some honest face-to-face conversation over a pint of beer or a coffee. Maybe I just don't want to be a contestant.