Often the word "authenticity" is bantered about like a flower petal in a the wind. Being authentic is hard work. Being authentic means being in the moment and experiencing the event of life as a whole being, not fragments of one.
This is true in everyday communications, and is the major reason I don't like "small talk". Small talk is intrusive and is meant to desperately avoid the silences we seek to avoid. Fill the air with babble to avoid what's going on in our heads. Silence is golden, and I will take it over any meaningless discussion any day.
A case in point. You're walking along at your place of business. A random person you hardly ever talk to is passing by:
"Good morning!" pipes said random person.
"Morning" you reply.
"How are you?" random person adds.
Now you might ask. "What's wrong with that Genie? Did someone piss in your cornflakes? The person just wants to know how you are!"
The problem is, that this question has been asked as the person now is several feet away from you in the opposite direction, back to back. Does this person really want to know how I am?
Here's another scenario:
"How was your Mother's Day?" Random cheery colleague asks you as you are desperately trying to prepare and print out documents for your first class.
You ponder for a split second. Being authentic is hard work. You answer, "Tough since I lost my mom last year."
Silence. "Oh." Pause.
Said random person is heard behind you asking the next person, "How was your Mother's Day?"
If at once you don't succeed, try and try again.
You might say I'm being difficult and a hard ass. You might say I am not playing nicely with my fellow creatures. You might say I am a roaring be-otch.
I am just being authentic.
The fact remains, if I don't care how someone's weekend was, or how they are, or why their face seems to be screwed up like a bolt in the wall, I won't ask. But when I have the time to look someone in the eye, and ask him/her, I will sit and listen to the reply. No matter what it is. I won't ask just to ask. I will accept what I hear with respect and honor the moment. Honor the person.
Sometimes, "How was your weekend?" can be a loaded question. And it's an invitation to communication, not an invitation to be asked how your weekend was, so you can inundate the person with the amazingness of your life. You are asking about them, not you. That, to me is living an authentic life. Plain and simple.
So when I ask how you are, I will listen. :)
16 comments:
That is so great Genie! I often don't ask about people's weekends and such for that reason. . . I don't really want to hear it so I don't use it as a trite way to tell them how my weekend was. When I really want to know, I'll ask. You are so great!
Peace~
Dawn
I'm not one for small talk either.
Y*E*S !
Authentic...to me means being
SINCERE :)
Wonderful, post~!
I'm not big on small talk either. I don't like when someone asks me something, but are clearly not hearing the answer.
Great post Genie!
Ah, the small talkers- so "sincere." Authenticity takes more effort than most people are willing to engage in. Good for you, brave one!!
I am so sorry about the loss of your mom!!! (((hugs)))
Many times, small talk will lead to more meaningful discussion. Many times the person who is asking is being sincere. Sometimes, we just have to accept the person for who they are because they are being authentic. Sometimes, to be kind, we just need to smile and respond.
Interesting. I hate small talk, but envy those who do it well.
And you know, while I understand your cornflakes are piss-free, (love that lol) I have worked at a place where no one went through those courteous motions at all - and while I agree with you partly, those motions really do grease the wheels of getting along.
I'm sorry your mother's day was hard though. I bet your mom was right with you someway, somehow tho.
And I will listen to your answers better than your coworkers I promise too! I love me anyone who uses the phrase "piss in my cornflakes" that's somebody I want to listen to :)
Genie,
I hear you on this one. One of the reasons I hated dating before I met my husband was because I'm not a "surface" type of girl. I like deep conversation and I can usually size the person up pretty well before I decide to open my mouth. Small talk can be exhausting and a time waster.
Jane
mmm just deciding to respond to this was an exercise in authenticity.
These are your thoughts on authenticity, this isn't my blog, I agree with most of what you are saying, so who the hell am I to say that the extra effort it takes me to smile at random person who doesn't know shit about being real, but nevertheless is probably doing the best they can, and who the hell am I to define their authenticity by my rules of my road?
Sometimes I've answered do you really want to know? when I'm not feeling so loving and patient towards my fellow humans. But answering with fine, doesn't make me less authentic or the other person less for asking.
Sometimes any kind of human contact is better than when you pass people and no one even looks at each or even acknowledges being in the same space.
Cyn
Wow Genie - this is fabulous...YOU are fabulous!
("Tough since I lost my mom last year.")
...could you BE anymore authentic!
(in my best Chandler voice -lol).
luv you!
Yes! That's what people don't seem to get. If you don't have time to actually have a converation with a person- don't begin one.
But I also agree with Cynthia that keeping in touch with a person, even just recognizing that they are there, can be a good thing.
I see it both ways. Sometimes small talk is just a nice way of keeping the world going round and round. A small formalized bit of conversation that allows us to make a tiny bit of a connection.
I find it something I don't mind to use with strangers or casual acquaintances. I probably wouldn't go to the energy to fully invite them into my life even if they did care, so I'm not worried about being authentic with them. So, I stick to the socially acceptable formalities that help our society get along nicely in the long run.
But, I find small talk is often used so often with people you do know well that it loses its meaning. With people I see day in and day out, they really just stick the phrases in there to ease the uncomfortable silence. Some of them don't really want to know the answers, they just want their nice short formula answer so that they can feel like they are keeping up their end of the relationship. No authenticity whatsoever. In these situations I find it tiresome to keep up the charade that everything is all right and go through the motions and I think it would be nice to add a little authenticity to the mix.
One of my favourite former co-workers was awesome for an authentic conversation. He'd ask how your weekend was but if you just answered fine he'd ask more. "Well what was your highlight? Did you try anything new and exciting? Or was it one of those relax and recharge ones?" He really wanted to know how things were with you and start an actual conversation. He was always awesomely authentic!
OH! A discussion! I love it! :) Thank you each and very one of you for responding and giving me your opinion whether you agree with me or not, I am absolutely thrilled to hear from you! :)
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DAWN: I find sometimes people's weekends have been horribly catastrpohic and asking them makes them feel cornered. Because the question itself carries an expectation. I am after all talking about meaningful communication. :)
MUSEY: Exactly. if someone sincerely wants to know how I am and has the time to listen, I totally am with it. Otherwise limiting it to "good morning" or "hello" is a perfectly valid acknowledgment. :)
TABBY: Exactly! It's not the question I object to, it's the fact that the person clearly has no interest in the answer.:)
EILEEN: Thank you honey! Hugs! And it's okay that people don't want to engage in heartfelt conversations with everyone in their lives. It's the pretense of caring that I find inauthentic. :)
ROSEBUD: I agree! Small talk can lead to discussion. A sincere inquiry into someone's health is totally authentic. Smiling and greeting someone is totally authentic. Asking more when one does not have the time or inclination to hear the answer is not. :)
LISA: Yes! Courtesy can extend to greeting someone with a smile. That's surely enough? Thank you so much for your warmth and friendship. It would be totally cool to sit on the porch with an iced tea and shoot the breeze with you :)
JANE: That's so true. Ugh. That's my Catch 22. I;m single. Dating is the process. But oh my what a difficult one!
CYNTHIA: I am so happy you answered! :) I hear you! I walk around smiling all day. In fact, a smile is the sincerest from of communication. And of course, this is just my perspective, and certainly not any more or less valid than anyone else's! :) That is why I ask the question, is it authentic to ask someone how he/she is, when we really don't want to know?
BOHO: Luv you too honey! Thank you :)
TORI: I totally agree with you and Cynthia. Smiling at someone and looking into their eyes while doing so, is so valuable and authentic and acknowledgment enough without muddying the waters with rhetorical questions. :)
JENN: I so agree! Small pleasant formalities with our fellow human are awesome and they do make the society a nicer place to live in. The problem is, that in the big city I live in, this has almost exclusively become the form of communication :)
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I am so stoked with this discussion! It's totally awesome to hear everyone's perspective! :)
I am the dork that asks and really wants to know how your weekend was. I'm still learning. Just because I enjoy it when people take the time to greet me
does not mean that everyone feels this way.
Good post Genie
Why can't we just say good morning, good evening, good day, joy to you,etc ... without asking a question ... especially since most folks don't really care HOW I AM. !!! Guess you've given me something to think about!
GEMMA: You are not a dork! You are fabulous! :)
SNAP: Exactly! I am not proposing we all walk around in stony silence. Smiling is the best communication! :)
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