(click to enlarge)So this morning I awoke with this thought. "I wish I were dead."
WTF?
Tears in my eyes, my mind started going over all the reasons why my life sucks.
Again. WTF?
Dude. I thought I was so over this shyte. I am not going to itemize that list, because I refuse to give it voice.
I quickly told whatever part of me that is hanging on to this negative misery to (pardon my language) shut the fuck up.
I got up, made myself a coffee. Cause really? My mind needs a good thrashing. I came to the computer. I put on my tunes, opened Photoshop, and said. "Okay. Go."
I didn't have anything in mind. I just put my hand on the mouse, selected a color and started doodling. And the above painting was born. Hmm. Does it look like it came from the mind of a deranged woman? Because, truly, I feel deranged. It's as if I'm swinging between the vines of mood, like a deranged monkey. No! I'm getting off this ride!
I am not depressed. In fact, right now, I am bopping up and down to music in my seat. So where did all that self-destruction come from? Seriously. Know any good therapists?
I refuse to let this self-defeatist attitude to get the better of me. Did you hear me? I REFUSE! :)
Yeah, yeah. I'm sure if any one of us sat down and itemized all the things that are wrong with our lives, we would sink into the mire of sadness. But why? What is the point of that? Just an emotional masochism that I refuse to give into.
I consider this an emotional detox. I am infusing myself with positivity and light, and an intravenous of life. It makes sense that all this crap would surface, on its way out. So, really. Things have changed in Genieland. In the past, I would give into this self-deprecation and wallow the whole day in sadness.
Not now. No sirree Bob! I nodded at it as it made its way out. Bye bye. I'm dancing. :)
Just dance. :)
33 comments:
i'm so glad you are dancing, cause I was going to offer you a phone call. i see some of myself in so many of your posts and altho we are not identical, i have such a strong sense to share with you. I am always only an email away!
keep Refusin'!
Genie, love the picture! I don't think she looks deranged at all. She looks like a strong woman who is determined to get what she wants from life & not settle for less. :)
I have this bug in my head - David and I have named it the MoFoCOB...The Mother F...ing - C word of a Bug.(I never use language like that in real life !!!) I hate that bug ! Somedays it is so strong that it gets me, you know, I give in to it. It wakes me up with thoughts like that! Those days just suck !
Other days, like you, I find the strength to dance ! Thank God for those days !!! I sometimes need a friend to dance along to get me going. But on the days when I really manage to ignore that BUG in my head all on my own, and choose to dance instead, well, Those are the Days My Friend ! Dance, beautiful one, Dance !
Way to be determined. I love the awareness you had "it makes sense that all this crap would surface, ON ITS WAY OUT." The important thing to remember is that it is, indeed, on its way OUT. Good-bye. Sionara. Don't let the door hit you on the way out.
Dance Genie Sea. Dance.
I think that's your shadow self having a tantrum, not wanting to be left behind. THat happens to me, too. In fact, it happened to me yesterday as I shlumped around not wanting to be a part of everything.
After a good breakthrough, a good day, a lot of development.
Shadow bitch sneaks up and starts yelling because she doesn't want us to forget about her.
I think if we give her attention it gives her what she wants. Power over us. Control in the direction of our day/life. She's probably scared of being happy and of going somewhere, so she's having her little tantrum.
Let's send her back to her room.
Its really odd where these not our own thoughts come from... I always attempt to clear and protect myself when I spot that I'm inside such a cloud... looks like you found a good way to do that here.
Dearest Genie, Thank the Goddess for the gift of dance and music! I have been where you are so many times, too many to count, and it seems to spring from nowhere. You are such an amazing person and although I know sometimes it's hard to remember that for one reason or another you really are! When I get down (which honestly isn't that often, but it does happen) I remember that each of us is a beautiful shining light and although we are all different we are all here because we are meant to be. We are all powerful and beautiful and fricking awesome ~ and you my beautiful friend are fabulous beyond belief. SHINE ON GIRL!
BTW, love the pic! I see a strong, independent, gracious kick-ass goddess with a strong heart and determined will. You go girl!
It's normal - really!
This is Saturday - you've had a busy week (even Hooky Day was busy)-
It's like this, you can't dance the Paso Doble and follow it up with a Swing Dance and a Charleston without taking time to recharge - mentally and physically!
Sounds like you're handling things right. You've acknowledged that it's there - and not invited depression in for a visit.
How funny is it that the song running through my head just before reading your post was Lady GaGa's "Just Dance"!?
Props to you for working out your "funk" in the ways that are best for you. I think I need a little more dancing in my life.
Love the picture, btw!
Good for you, Genie! Keep that attitude!
Great image!
Genie, I am so sorry you had to feel like that as soon as you woke up. It takes a very powerful woman to tell that voice to just shut up. I applaud you!!
That is what I have been trying to do with mine. I had that stupid voice yesterday and all I could do to get rid of it was drown myself in my art journal. That worked perfectly.
I'm So Proud Of You!! If you don't mind I'd like to dance with you. :)
I see your strength and I'm so smiling, because I BELIEVE in You.
My heart and soul were churning at the beginning of your post...!!
And then SWOOSH...like the warm winds of spring...I found you racing by...in brighter spirits!
Thank heaven! Oh yes indeed, I am pleased!
How can I even express how I feel about you all? You are beautiful, beautiful souls. I feel the warmth of your love and support over distance and time. You are miracles on this planet. Life is good :) Thank you :)
You are all my soul siblings, and I am thankful everyday for you in my life. :)
You complete me :)
Sandy - IT's incredible how many soul sisters and brithers we have found on this journey :)
Tracy - Three cheers for not settling for less :)
Kim - LOL@MoFoCOB!!!!! Love it. :) Well, not it, but the expression :)
Sara - But I want the door to hit it on the way out. AND HARD! :)
Rowena - You hit the nail on the head! "Shadow bitch" indeed. I will quote Ludacris. "Move bitch get out the way!" :)
Caro - May our clouds clear permanently! :)
Beverly - Your words put a glow on my cheeks :)
Judi - You're right! Do you by any chance watch "So You Think You Can Dance"or "Dancing With the Stars"? I love your metaphor :)
Celtic Buffy - Have you had a chance to check out my music at the bottom. I have the song there :) Hehehe I was singing it too :)
Marina - Weee! :)
Apple - Art does serve as a great conduit for the nastier to get the hell out :)
Tabby - Awwww :) Your support means a lot to me.
MUSEY!!!!!!!!!! Welcome back girl! Sheesh! I missed you and you worried the crap out of me! :) Sorry to worry you in return :)
Now, Let's ALL Dance!!!! :)
Start the music...I'm ready!
LOL
What a crappy thought to wake up to! What I think is amazing is how you use your art to work through or past the feeling you had when you woke up. I think the picture is intense-- those eyes! And its a really different color palette that what you tend to use. You are an amazing woman, to take a thought like that and turn it into art... and then go dancing away! You are a shining spirit, you are!
what a gorgeous art piece! i hear ya on the negative voices. dancing it out helps me too!! sometimes it helps me to be gentle with those voices, be gentle with myself, see what that voice needs (sometimes it needs to dance!) and then let it go. and sometimes, i need to tell that voice to just shut the f up too. :-)
Genie - Dancing and a big truck! You are beautiful and your words today on my blog were so inspiring. So here's to us. Here's to the moments that make us real. Here's to overcoming our perceived faults. Here's to comments that lift our souls. Love you sweetie!
XOXO Caroline
i love the way rowena put it. "shadow bitch." yeah, i'm gonna have to remember that one, too. =)
hand her a cookie, send her back to her corner, and get on with your day! and it looks like you did exactly that! this picture is farkin' breathtaking and evocative. I FREAKING SWEAR i want a copy of your pictures on canvas up on my wall!!!
now i know what you meant about eating a huge-ass frog today! WOOT! and it sounds like you cleaned your plate and still had room to dance. i love it.
brava, m'dear. *standing ovation*
Wow - with the others - GLAD you put on the music, & did some 'emotional detox!' . . . love the picture, too!
& that you heard the voice, but refused to LISTEN to its negativity!!
Way to go - love you!!
I'm so glad you chose to dance instead of wallowing in sadness. Rock on, girl!
Sometimes, we need the contrasts so we can appreciate the positives all the more. (((Hugs)))
love, light and peace,
serena
OH.....and I loved you painting too! :)
You're so strong Genie! Refusing those thoughts to infest your life is a powerful action. Dance on!
sometimes, we just need to wallow. know what I mean? I do it all the time.. then I pick myself up, brush the knees off and go along the path of life. these down times are surely detox or cleansing or even unearthing more parts of ourselves.. sometimes, I feel so lost and alone because of it but then I realize that there was a light at the end of the tunnel.
do a google search on Rumi's 'The house guest' - amazing verse which I am sure will make a whole lotta sense to you.
xoxo
I'm dancing with you! Thanks for giving voice to the way I feel somedays. And I like your remedy. (brain thrashing and music).
Chocolate helps too.
I wanted to reply to a comment that you left on my blog but you're listed as a no-reply comment. Its in reference to you saying about the handsome gent "who said beauty and brilliance can't be combined?" And I wanted to reply that you accomplish that feat daily. Sounds corny but SOOOOO TRUE! :)
You go girl!!! I am so proud of you! "In truth, to attain to interior peace, one must be willing to pass through the contrary to peace." - Swami Brahmananda
"Where is the lightning to lick you with its tongue? Where is the madness with which you should be cleansed?"- F.W. Nietzsche These two quotes are from the book Foolsgold by Susan G. Wooldridge which I highly recommend. Keep dancing Genie, may I join you?
Quite interesting Chica,
With my basic colour therapy training I can see that ;
The colours you have used (indigo and blue ) are colours of intuition and communication you have even added some purple and green so this is a very mystical painting, if i should say so my self.
So your triple goddess is speaking to you and she needed to dance and express herself because thats where the magic is....sprinkle the dust and be goddess....
ah genie, you are so sweetly stubborn...I love that you ended up in the dance of life, even if you almost died getting there! and the painting, again, is lovely. I don't know how you make these amazing creations!!!
somethings remain mysteries to me and I am nearly old enough to be your mother, dear one...some days start and end with tears, others with laughter and joy...I still don't know what the difference is and equanimity comes to mind, where all things are the same, from one extreme to the other...sadness and joy, the extremes of the same emotional intensity...the place in the mind is the same..
I am thrilled you chose the dance of life and hope this day was a good one!
xoxo
Musey! I have music at the bottom of my blog :)
(intothe)Dawn - Art is definitely a source of therapy for me :) You're right. It is a totally different color palette! Thank you sweetie! :)
Leah - Thank you honey :) I like stomping those negative voices while I dance in the middle of my living room :)
Caroline - I am glad I was able to inpsire you honey :) I felt your pain. Literally :) Love you too! :)
Delena - You make me blush! Thank you! :) Maybe I will make them larger for sale and when I do, I can send you one :) Here's to cleaning our plates. :)
Dia - Thank you honey :) Yeah I bitchslapped that voice into oblivion :)
Serena - Hugs! You're right. We do need the contrasts :) Thank you so much :)
Tori - I'm glad I have the skill of pest control! :) hehe
Robyn - Oh, I know what you mean! I have wallowed a good wallow. Thank goodness for the light at the end of the tunnel! I will search the poem. Thank you honey! :)
Wendy - Music and chocolate. Can a girl ask for more? :) hehe
Sara - Awww sweetie! Thank you :)
Ann - Of course you can join me! :) Thank you for the recommendation. I will definitely check it out! :)
Marilyn - Oh! I love the color interpretation of my piece! Thank you! Here's to being goddesses :)
Linda - I am a stubborn wench :) Thank you so much honey! I just paint with my intuition. :) Equanimity is an awesome thing :) Hugs!
It's so hard to deal with these ups and downs. We want to just move up - it can be a gradual slope as long as it's going the right way (up!). But we get these black moments, where all the progress we may have made in the days before seems like lies we're telling ourselves. And then, when we're about ready to give in to the dark, the light shines through again... I feel like a yo-yo some days.
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