Celebration

(click on image to see larger)

I woke up this morning with this little tune in my head :
We are family
I got all my sisters with me
We are family
Get up ev'rybody and sing

Ev'ryone can see we're together
As we walk on by
(FLY!) and we fly just like birds of a feather
I won't tell no lie
(ALL!) all of the people around us they say
Can they be that close
Just let me state for the record
We're giving love in a family dose

Living life is fun and we've just begun
To get our share of the world's delights
(HIGH!) high hopes we have for the future
And our goal's in sight
(WE!) no we don't get depressed
Here's what we call our golden rule
Have faith in you and the things you do
You won't go wrong
This is our family Jewel

Trust the Sisters Sledge to know when the party is on! We have the munchies, we have the refreshments, we have the awesome company, let's dance! :)

It's funny. I almost didn't get on the train for this journey. I thought I would be too busy, too tired, too something. I'm so happy I decided to pack my satchel and hop on at the last minute. Along the way there were some rough patches, some delays; I even lost my travel book; but they were just bumps in the road. The scenery was breathtaking and the company enchanting.

The souvenirs of my travels

I have tapped into my creativity again that lay dormant for a while, forgotten in a drawer filled with emotional clutter. That drawer is more organized, and much lighter.

I have travelled into the Universe of loving souls just ready to reach out with a steadying hand, a hilarious story, a touching moment, a momentous discovery. I have learned I am not alone.

I have learned to love myself for who I am, and that I can shed the past and its trauma.

I have learned that in the endless ocean, there is beauty in its depths and lovely vessels to seek shelter on.

I have seen creations of such stunning vibrancy and spirit, that now I can even see a little clearer than before.

I have learned to accept the tears and let them flow, knowing that they are cleansing me.

I have come to accept my fiery nature, that burns injustice and oppression. I used to scold her for not being gentle enough, not realizing that not only did I need her, but others did too.

I have met so many captivating souls that my heart chakra has expanded to touch all parts of this glorious earth that I will visit one day.

I have learned to dream again, to hope again, to believe again, to be again.

What more can a girl ask for? :)

Blessed be :)

Love Eternal

The circle of love is warm arms
that embraces us
There is no beginning
no end
A cycle of light radiating out from within,
beaming in from without.
The circle of love is a haven of safety
to be who we are
as we are
no questions asked
No expectations to be met
We are
A spiral of air filling our lungs
in
and out
The circle of love is a tender kiss
soul to soul
Sharing a heart
beating eternally
vibrating strong
feeling the stars' fire
The circle of love is clasped hands
A wall of support
keeping danger at bay
dissolving insecurity
palm to palm united
Feet planted firmly in the ground of our choosing
We do not stand alone.
Never
Alone
Because we are
in the circle of love.

As we reach this the final day of Soul Coaching, I feel the memories grow in my heart, strengthening it, making my steps surer, my gaze clearer, my smile brighter, my soul more serene.

These are the memories that will fuel me into the next turn of our journey spiraling into a fresh circle in the sunny beach of life. We walk tall, our shadows casting their greatness, no longer dark presences but silhouettes of our powerful projections. Our guides are smiling as they congregate to share a cup of tea and discuss their charges affectionately. We are connected now, and nothing can change that. We are a circle of love.

These are the memories that have become part of my life's collage:

• Allison's hoop and her smiling in it, joyful in her quest for boots
• Aurora's warm creations of wool that warm us like her words
• Beautiful Witch's magick that restores our faith in ourselves
  
• Boho's and her hatchling's new Queendom unfolding, comfortable and loving
• Breedale's strength and her blossoming motherhood that adopts the world
• Caroline's light and guidance, her spirit light that fills the world with zen magic
• Claudia's collages that fill the eye and by extension the heart with beautiful wisdom
• Danette's sheer power of creative will and intent, her budding into the mermaid she is, and the incredible honor of calling her my friend.
• Dawn's amazing sense of self, yoga splendidnesss and detoxification mundra
• Dia's unwavering wisdom and delightful harp that brings music into the soul
• Ellie's superhuman strength and loving heart, her incredibly powerful message
• Fatma's sparkling tips and rejuvenating wisdom
• Gemma's ageless beauty and wild boundless heart
• Judi's beacon of amazing humour, brilliant honesty and heartfelt dedication
• Kara's delicate and magical hennas, inspired color and drive.
  
• Kate's lens that spreads love and humanity, light- ly.
  
• Kelly's perseverance and bright unfolding
• Leah's paintings so full of beauty that color the palette of our inspiration
• Linda's powerful iconic art, whose images enrapture the imagination
  
• Lillian's majestic tree of support and gentle guidance.
• Lisa's boundless enthusiasm and words of encouragement like jewels in a necklace (circle)
• Marilyn's alter of indomitable power and light, her brilliant manifestation
• Megg's invitation to renew ties with girlhood and her gentle yet powerful creative force
• Melba's incredible journal so filled with heart and color
• Molly's explosion of creativity that captivates the imagination, expanding it
  
• Nicole's generous readings and the incredible spectrum of her wisdom
• Nydia's tender moments and budding growth
  
• Paula's cheerful and loving home and smiling faces filling it
• Pen's heartfelt journey and undeniably honest strength
• Peppy Lady's ceaseless urn of coffee and wisdom
• Robyn's garden and her stepping into the shoes of garden goddess, ever nurturing
• Romana's passionate integrity and dedication to humanity
• Sandra's wild green love that embraces the whole world
• Serena's mandalas that encircle our souls and words that feed our spirits with love
• Shannan's stunning visuals and uplifting words
• Shannon's drive and vision that cuts to the very quick of darkness and reveals a unique light
• Sherrie's bursts of color that light her manifold perspective, enriching ours
• Suzie's priceless wisdom, fearless growth, and tender heart more powerful than diamonds
• Tabby's powerhouse of light, strength, and loving support
• Thien-Kim's unwavering devotion and love-filled recipes
• Tori's spectacular unfolding into the woman she is and the woman she will be - a growing light
• Turtleheart's brave honesty and powerful message of survival.

These are just a few of the women who have quickened my life, my heart, my mind, my soul on this incredible journey. If I have not mentioned you, it is not because you are not priceless to me, it is because my brain cannot process everything. Each and every one of you is a shining star in the firmament of our collective soul, an irreplaceable link in our circle of love. This is not goodbye. This is, where next?

Which leaves me with one more person. Last and never least.

Jamie.

To say thank you is like giving a stick of gum to someone who has just saved you from the jaws of death. It simply is not enough. Because of you, (and yes Denise Linn) the world is brighter, filled with color and the possibility of boundless creation. You have shepherded us into the path of our fullest potential. Your vision of the future is here. You have touched and inspired not only each and every one of us in this journey, but everyone we encounter, and they encounter... ever-expanding the beautiful circle of love that you inspired. From my deepest self - I thank you. :)

Blessed be :)

Bright Path

My future opens herself up into The World.

My life is open for business.
Open to health that will restore my body to its natural state.
Open for travel to places I have been yearning to see.
Open to new opportunities that will challenge my creativity and curiosity.
Open for creative endeavors that will provide increased income.
Open to wisdom that will enrich my life.
Open to possibilities that will allow me to share my wisdom with others.
Open to companionship that will put my heart at ease.
Open to love that will quicken my being.
Open to experience life to its fullest.
Open to new connections.
Open to fruitfulness.
Open to fluidity.
Open to change.

My life is an open book ready to be read and felt.

That is the future I envision for myself. Nothing is impossible or far fetched. If I want to experience it, I will. If I want to accomplish it, I will. If I want to create it, I will. If I want to do it, I will. If I need help, I will get it. If I have a vision, I will create it. If I have need, it will be fulfilled. There are no more ifs, can'ts, dont's, or buts. There is only YES!

Yes to the future.
Yes to being all that I can be.
Yes to life.
Yes to the World.

Blessed be :)

Belonging

As I settle into myself, becoming increasingly at peace with who I am - all of me - the sense of belonging increases.

I belong to the Universe
I belong to the splendid and generous Earth
I belong to my family of friends
I belong to my family of Soul Coaching Sisters
I belong to the community of my employment
I belong to my home, my haven, my Queendom
I belong to myself

For this day, I made the Seven of Crystals. It embodies a sense of accomplishment, of belonging, of satisfaction, of being one with the fruits of the earth and our labour.

I have learned much in our journey, but I know it is just the beginning. And what a glorious beginning it is! I have been embraced by the love and support of this wonderful group, and it is more precious and magical than any elixir. I feel ready to breathe in life, swim in experience, feel fiery passion, and settle in the roots of who I am.

Know that when this week is over, you have not seen the last of me. I will be visiting your blogs regularly and giving you the support and love that you have given me throughout this journey. I am excited to see what is in store for us in the abundant future!

Thank you so much! :)

As an update to my continuing job saga, the fruits of our labor are beginning to blossom. There is a revolution at hand! We are banding together to usurp the dictatorship of oppressive mismanagement and faulty vision! Hooray!

Blessed be! :)

The Beat

Allow me to present, drum roll please :), The Magician. She embodies all the elements. Fully grounded on the rich soil, her fluidly fiery nature breathes light.

She is a drummer, in tune with the rhythms of the earth, of life, of her body. One with nature. One with beyond nature. Sensual and spiritual at once, she creates a beat that inspires the feet to dance, the body to move, and the soul to soar.

The air around her shifts. Oxygen smiles. The rhythm laps like crystal water as the flame of the eternal courses in her veins. The earth vibrates to the beat she sets. Alive.

She is magical because she can harness the beautiful world's energy through her body and soul, sending it in rhythmic patterns into those around her. The world dances to her rhythm.

Can you hear her?
She is drumming inside you.

Today, we are asked to listen to our natural rhythm, to follow the unique beat of our different drummer. To let it flow out and join the symphony around us.

I have always loved drums. I always listen to the beat of a song. It grounds and moves the ground at the same time. When I play hand drums, my mind shuts down; the shoulds and woulds dissolve; the ifs and whys disappear; and I just am. I have found I naturally tend toward a certain rhythmic pattern, a distinctive beat if I allow my hands free reign. That is my rhythm. It is joyous and unfettered by financial anxieties, feelings of loneliness, anger at oppressive managers. It is an entity of its own. It resides in me and belongs to the universe.

As I travel through the challenges of the day, I will embody the Magician within me.

I know today will have some fallout from yesterday's meeting where our principal told us that it is "unprofessional" for teachers to have coffee or tea in our classes. We are only "allowed" water. If you did not guess, I was vocal at the meeting. I challenged her, and though many agreed with me, my colleagues were deadly quiet when I was done. Nothing like going out on the limb alone. :) And in the ensuing silence, I will listen to the beat of my heart, and follow it. No matter where it takes me. I have a beat. I will not be beaten. :)

May your days be joyous and your beats be strong. :)

My Story

There she is, the Nine of Crystals - self-assured, confident, accomplished, enjoying her abundance with the confidence that she can and will share it with others.

This is who I am. I walk tall. I sit tall. No more hunched over to hide my body. No more walking with my head down to avoid the gaze of others. Shoulders squared, gait confident, face smiling. No matter how I feel.

Taking the extra time to choose what I wear, put on some make-up, add some flair, gives me confidence. No wall flower lives here.

My body may not look the way I want it to, for now, but it will comport itself the way I feel. Truly feel. No one can beat me down. I am unstoppable. See how I walk? See how I smile? See how I breeze into the room and change the very molecules in the air?

No problem can defeat me. See the assurance in my eyes?

No negativity can wear me down. I shrug it off as I leave the room, smiling.

I open doors. I walk in. I am present. Body and soul. One person. Whole. I am a presence that cannot be ignored, even when I am silent.

I am empowered by the solid translucent light of the crystals that shine in my eyes, that fuel my laughter, that embody my spirit, that support my body.

I am woman, see me shine. :)

Thank you to all my sisters in this journey who have been anchored in my heart like shining jewels, bright crystals of healing and love. Thank you for all your comments. I always try to comment back, here and on your blogs, but in case you missed it, I am so thankful to each and every one of you for making this experience priceless and eternal. May your days be abundant with light, with health, with love. May the earth's soil be rich in promise for you.

Blessed be :)

A New Day

This morning, I wake up. My mind started working overtime in my sleep. I tried lulling myself again, but it would not work. Tick tock. I gave up and got up.

I came to my friendly blog to find so much love and encouragement and support from each of you. I always try to comment back, but I need to say here and now, how amazing each and every one of you is. I love the perspective and insight you bestow upon me like water in the desert.

I am feeling better now, after yesterday's wrenching experience. I needed to put those words down and release them. Release the anguish, and anger. I found myself exhausted after that and so I honored myself by resting and not doing any work.

So I awoke this morning, indecently early, and made the Tarot Card for today. The Queen of Crystals. That is my card, as an earth sign. The Queen of abundance and fruitfulness. I chose crystals because, to me, they are infinitely more precious than coins. They are natural gifts from the Divine. Gifts of Beauty. Gifts of Intuition. Gifts of Healing.

I am not going to be doing the SC suggestions today, not because I am avoiding them, but because this is what I do on a regular basis. I detox regularly. I pay attention to what goes into my mouth, what I crave, and who is doing the craving. Is it me or the little saboteur that has been installed inside me? I hereby give her eviction papers. Get out and take your baggage with you! :)

So I'm not a size 2. I never will be. I am healthy though! I strive to be more active, to not beat myself up with others' expectations. My mantra this week will be... I AM beautiful! I AM blessed. I AM alive!

I will make an appointment to get a mani-pedi tomorrow after work! The place I go to is not upscale but you certainly get upscale treatment! You sit in a shiatsu massage chair while they work on your feet. Each client has her own instruments in a box with her name and number. They are clean and sterile. They use hot rocks to massage your tired feet and hands. I feel gorgeous every time I leave there.

Yes! That's what I will do to honor my body this week, along with drinking more water, going to the gym, trying to get enough sleep, (Mind. Cooperate!) and eating food that gives me energy.

Today, is a new day, and I wake with renewed energy, leaving the past behind me and planting my feet on the beautiful earth one step at a time. :)

Blessed be. :)

Body Struggle

(Big Beauty by Genie Sea-Click for bigger view)

This day, on the first day of Earth, I am dealing with my biggest challenge. My body. Making lists of what I like and don't like about my body feels like I am revisiting my constant struggle. The bane of my existence - the way I look.

I cannot count the times I have looked in the mirror not recognizing the person looking back at me. I have beautiful days and I have ugly days. I have days when I can look in the mirror and smile and others when I look away in disgust. Yes, disgust. The horror of it all.

I was born a normal looking girl, maybe even pretty. Certainly joyous. Then an event happened in my life too traumatic to burden others with. I gained weight. And gained more weight. I created a solid wall between me and the gaze of men. I know this. I have accepted it. I have moved beyond it.

In accepting it, I have taken steps to help my body reach its natural state. I exercise. I go to the gym. I eat healthy most of the time. Yet, my body stays stubbornly and solidly big.

I don't give up though. Some days are better than others. But I don't give up.

My challenge today was to look in the mirror and not cringe. My challenge is to love my body for its faithful service to my spirit. For being healthy. For being mobile. For sustaining my life. Yet I have only once thought my body beautiful.

I know what you are thinking. I know what you want to say. I have said it to myself and others. It's not the words. It's the belief that is more powerful. The belief that I am beautiful in my own way. I know the words. I have said the words. Do I believe the words?

I must one day. I must if I am to be completely happy. I love myself for who I am. I do not love myself for how I look. My eyes are the prettiest part of me, and my decolletage. My legs horrify me. My arms make me queasy. My belly and my hips just won't do. This is the blatant truth. This is what I see.

I care for my body. I pamper it. I drive it with exercise. I nourish it. Yet do I love it? How can I even begin to attract someone else if I look in the mirror and want to look away?

And I feel guilty for feeling this way. There are others with greater struggles. They are fighting illness and facing death, and here I am whining because I want to be 6 sizes smaller. The shame of it all.

I will have much to work with this week, and I fervently hope I finally and completely reach a breakthrough in this, my final challenge. I take the first step with full disclosure.

I hope this week is kinder to you. :)

Fire Light

Fruition sparkles on the drops
of morning dew
that kiss the buds
on their sweet tops

From rose to tulip the bee hops
Spreading the seeds
of future crops

In sweetened honey the sun glows
languid with beauty
that surely grows

On skin
On tongue
On smiling sun

This is the day
This is the one
That we enliven
The dreams we spun
Under the cloak of many stars
We finally greet
what once seemed far

The air is crystal
with promises
Dissolve the 'was'
Embrace the 'is'

And dance with feet
on lavish soil
Enjoy the bounty
of our toil

Moistened by tears
That washed us clean
Enslaved by fears
That once have been

We greet the day
so ripe with glee
Reflect the smile
Accept the 'me'

On budding lips
your smile unfolds
your diamond eyes
your hearts of gold

Nothing was lost
Nothing was sold
It's open now
in manifold
directions
step
into the fire
of your intention.

Blessed be.

Today, I offer my companions in the journey of Soul Discovery the bounties of the Empress. Open is the way for us to step into our fruition. Into the Empresses we are. Each and every one of you deserves the bounty that life has to offer. It is all there, within your reach. You are the Queens of your own domain. Command it and it shall be done. You are all powerful monarchs of your beautiful souls. It has been my great honor and joy to have been touched by your words of wisdom, by the kaleidoscope of your support, by the beauty of who you are.

May in this, the last day of fire, you embody your passion, and send it out into the world like beacons of light. Because that is what you are to me, warm beautiful fires that light the path.

Thank you :)

A Guide with a Funny Bone

I have been told about my guide by several sources, and I have often tried to picture him.

Does he wear a white dress? No. My spirit guide has at least some sense of fashion. Togas have been out for centuries. I picture him more rugged, manly, yet sensitive. Yes. My Spirit Guide wears black. No color stereotypes for him! He has tribal tattoos and long hair. Maybe some piercings. My guide is hip.

My spirit guide must know death-defying acts, even though technically, he has defied death. He is able to travel quickly and with balance in tact. Over fire, air, water, earths. My guide is a fearless warrior, training me to be the same.

That is why I chose to make The Chariot for today's card. My guide.

There have been times I thought he was sleeping on the job. Could he not have warned me ahead of time? Hi. Watch your step. Dude, stay away from that!

Guides are not meant to stop us from making mistakes, otherwise what would we learn? How would we evolve? They are painful, but necessary.

At other times, I was convinced that he has a great sense of humour. Really? Did I need that haircut? Couldn't he have nudged me before I bought that jacket? Another blind date? No. My spirit guide is smart. He taught me not to take myself too seriously. Irony is a good teacher.

My guide is at least partly responsible for who I am and where I am today. And I am thankful. I didn't turn out too badly. If I say so myself. :)

Today, we are asked to spread our wings and spread the love. That's easy for me. I have been in the process of doing that all along.

I haven't always been this way. I have known cynicism. I used it well as a buffer from experiencing anything real. Then one day, I asked myself, "Do you really want to go through life under a dark cloud? Does it matter if there is higher purpose in life? If life reaches beyond the border of death? Doesn't it matter how you live life? Wouldn't it be better to live life to the fullest, and to your best capacity rather than sitting back and dissecting it?"

When faced with those questions, the answer was simple.

Having worked in a profession saturated with negativity and intellectual cynicism, and coated in ignorance, while surrounded by adolescent angst and enthusiasm, I learned a thing or two. I learned that you get more with praise than criticism. I learned the difference between critiquing and squashing the joy out of everything. I learned that creativity produces more results than staid traditionalism. I learned that being open brings more in, while being closed and unapproachable keeps possibilities away. I learned that there is a huge difference between political correctness and informed tolerance. I learned that if I operate with the premise that most people's intentions are good if sometimes misguided, (not everyone's Guide rocks it, like mine!) then I can approach them with equally good intentions, and affect change. I learned to love unconditionally, not only those who show me love, but everyone.

Am I perfect? Have I perfected all of this? Oh. hell no. I stumble. A lot still. But I am aware, and I correct myself. I will get it right. My guide will help me. :)

I wouldn't have learned this if he was not willing to let me get egg on my face, smack my head against the wall repeatedly, experience painful situations. He didn't bubble wrap me, but he didn't let me come to irreversible damage either. And for this I thank him.

You are doing an outstanding job, my black clad, tattooed spirit Guide!

Thank you, for being who you are and helping me become who I am. I give you spiritual high fives!

Springboard

It's time
to let go
of fear.
Fear of death.
Fear of the unknown.
Fear of growing old.
Fear of disappearing.

It's time
to embrace
faith.
And leap
into life.
Into the unknown.
Into waiting arms.
Into our souls.

It's time
to stop worrying
about what might be
and be full.

I have faced death square in the eyeball. When my parents passed away, I was faced with my own mortality, not for the first time but for the most relevant time. I struggled with grief. I struggled with depression. I fought against seemingly endless hopelessness.

Then life winked at me. "I'm still here," she said. "Where are you? Lost in the mists of what ifs, and if nots?"

Then I took the plunge. I let go and let be.

I chose to make The Fool today, for two reasons.

This card is the first card of the Major Arcana, yet it has the number 0. Zero can be looked at as a number that contains nothing. Yet, it's the number that contains infinite possibility. It is the empty that will become full. It is the basis of every number. It reflects every situation. We start from scratch and build up. It is the Alpha and the Omega. It is the Oh in our wonderment. It is the beginning. And for every end, there is a beginning. And for every beginning, something must come to a conclusion.

This card is often interpreted as making foolish choices. Not looking before leaping. Going where others fear to tread. This is said as if it's an unimaginable horror. Yet, what is it but a miracle? Sometimes the choice that resonates with instinct and not the ego-self, put in place by society to make sure we follow the mores of its structure, is the best choice. Sometimes, we have to take that leap of faith in order to get to the other side. Sometimes going where others fear to tread, is the best way to go. Ask Magellan or Columbus. Ask Neil Armstrong. Ask Rosa Parks. Ask Edmund Hillary and Tenzing Norgay. Ask Alice Paul and Lucy Burns.

Today, I invoke the pioneering spirit of the Fool, to fill me with the joy of life and the faith that my steps will lead me exactly where I belong. Because the Universe loves me. And I love the Universe. :)

May your pioneering spirit lead you to new discoveries! May your leaps be joyous. May your empty become full. :)

p.s. If you want to know where my day of being in the moment lead me, I have updated my previous post. :)

Loving in Being

Love the moment.
Be in the moment.
Use all senses together.
Complete.

Just be.
Don't take a snapshot.
Be the snapshot.
And in the next.
And the next.

Drink the grape juice.
Sweet taste
Refreshing

The silent hum
of cozy home
warm
The morning
just beginning
bright
no matter what the weather.

Today, stretches before me, full of moments to be in. There is a lot to plan. A lot to think about. I will be in the planning. I will think while being present in the moment. Centered. Aware. Alive.

Update:

So after making the commitment of being in the moment, the Universe tested me. :)

As I was leaving my house to get to my car, my front steps collapsed, and I tumbled down into the frozen garden. Ouch! After I got up, I said a prayer of thanks. Thanks that I was not badly hurt. Thanks that no one witnessed my fall. Thanks that it was me and not someone else. Thanks that the garden was cleared and I did not get stabbed by dead stems.

I gathered my wits about me, put a plank to stop anyone from trying to ascend the stairs, and went to work.

There, I met with the principal and she ever so sweetly criticized me for something innocuous. I smiled and told her to have a great day.

In our office, my lovely coworkers rallied around me in caring and concern. How blessed am I?

My head was hurting me, so I asked my lively and wonderful grade 9 students to be as quiet as possible, and they were angels! My friend and coworker, Emily, brought me a coffee, hoping it would help clear my head. Another angel!

I found out at the end of the period, that our illustrious principal saw her bringing me the coffee and reprimanded her for setting a bad example. Emily was crushed. I became LIVID! My anger tore through me in lava waves of OUTRAGE. I decided I was going to launch a massive grievance against her for undue use of management. Everyone is going to follow suit. Fire spread throughout the whole school.

In the afternoon, a sweet girl who is taking my Writers Craft told me about a group whose members who are almost all black students has been targeted by several members of staff. I responded by going to the two men running it, and offered my support. I am starting an Afro-Canadian Club at my school (for the first time)!

That night, we had parents of grade 8 students coming to check out our school, and we had to put together a show for them. We arranged an amazing one for my department on such short notice.

After enjoying a lovely meal of sushi, my friend and colleague, Dawn, and I settled in my classroom, ready to mark papers having been told that about 10 parents show up to these.

We got 12 tours of about 50 people each!

When all that was done, I came home, took a hot shower, got into my jammies and collapsed.

PHEW! Talk about being in the moment!

Song and dance anyone?

Shadows and Light

Yesterday was a very good day. I embraced the spirit of fun and let it warm all those around me. Even those who did not want it. It wasn't easy. The minute I entered our office, the problems descended upon me.

One man was having issues with what he was being asked to do by management. I reassured him and told him I was there if he needed support on the issue. That seemed to ease his burden. Then, I found out that I had two days to prepare a presentation for Grade 8 Parents Night. I smiled, while singing under my breath, and threw something together in my head. Check. During my first class, an awesome supply teacher came in to give me a heads up that trouble was stirring. One of the teachers in my department suddenly and without warning called in an indefinite leave of absence. In the middle of the semester... No problem. I took out my list of candidates I have for next semester's leaves and gave it to the office. We still had fun with Shakespeare in my class. They did choral readings. It was hilarious.

Normally, by the end of the day, I would have wanted to curl up into a ball, but no. I put together a proposal for a fun day of Professional Development for my department: browsing through various bookstores in the morning, followed by a pow wow at Future Bakery before we go to the workshop I am conducting regarding Blogging and the Classroom.

Then I got on the computer and blasted a song on You Tube: Beautiful UR by Deborah Cox and danced. :) Here it is! I dedicate it to you! :) Look at the lyrics! They are awesome. :)



Coming from the HIGH of yesterday's experience, we are asked to examine our shadows today. Look down and within. Okay, let's DO this! :)

I have never avoided shadows or my shadow self. Indeed I sought them out. Shadows are comfortable. You can hide in shadows, gain relief from relentless light. Shadows also hide aspects of ourselves we do not want to come into the firelight.

I am very acquainted with my shadow self because I speak to her nightly. We sit down with a hot beverage and discuss the events of the day.

"Why did you do that or say that?" I will ask curiously.
She will sip meditatively on her drink, and ponder before she answers. "I wasn't comfortable with the situation."
"Okay," I prompt, "What made you uncomfortable about it?"
"I feel powerless when I watch someone drowning themselves."
"Could there have been another way to handle that?"
She nods, "Yes. With compassion."
I smile.

With compassion.

I am a very compassionate person. If someone is troubled, I want to help. Not necessarily solve their problems, but help them find solutions for themselves. I have had to train my shadow self to stand back and allow others to find their own solutions sometimes. This is difficult for me, because where there is a problem, I know there is a solution. I guess that is my Capricorn Sun.

My higher self likes to find the good in most people. I acknowledge that we are all too human, and some people cast longer shadows. Some people don't have my ability or desire to get things done, yesterday if possible. My Sag ascendant is more thoughtful, more fluid. Warmer.

My shadow self strolls into town, with a shining star on her lapel. She lacks patience with some people's persistent refusal to find a solution and wallow in misery. She loses compassion, and tries to jar them out of their state. It sometimes works, like cold water wakens, and restores. Sometimes, it's just plain cruel, and I admonish my shadow self for being impatient.

My shadow self is not operating from a source of cruelty though, and that gives me relief as I fill her cup and continue the discussion.

"Yes, we kind of steam rolled over that person today. What can we do differently next time?"
"Wait?"
"For?" I prompt.
"Them to catch up?"
"Indeed. A gentle nudge sometimes is necessary, but we don't want anyone falling off the edge of the cliff."
We sip our drinks in communal silence.

Today, we will sit back, my shadow self and I and observe what she reacts to. I know there are certain people I work with that push my buttons. I want to know why. Well, truthfully, I do know why. They are passive-aggressive, and we, my shadow and I, do not like it. We are both very up-front and honest with our feelings. My shadow self is a little bit more brutal in that than I, but nevertheless, we both have that quality. That is why,we bristle when quiet, under-the-breath comments are made with the purpose to attack. That is why we, point out when a "joke" is just an excuse to proffer unsubtle criticism.

I can take criticism if it is honest and coming from a good place. But when criticism comes dodging from the shadows with an intent to maim. Not so much. There are a couple of women at work whose voices are gentle and soft. Their demeanor is always calm. Yet, they have the deadliest comments. They come out of the shadows like adders pouncing with disapproval. And they do it with a smile. I will observe them today, and more importantly, how I react to them. I will take a page from Jamie's blog today. :)

I want to affect a change. Not in them, because that is not within my power. But in me and how I react.

And maybe, just maybe, in changing my reaction, it might help them see their shadow selves. If not, at least I will have lightened the experience for my self. :)

Leap

Leaping like a kid in puddles
Dancing without care
Tossing assorted troubles
In the rosy air.

Opening to someone freely
While I walk his way
Accepting the moment really
While being in the day

Meeting a frown with laughter
Leaping through the room
Knowing what really matters
Brightens up the gloom

Spreading my wings and flying
Playground frolicking
Achieving without trying
Letting my soul sing.

Welcome to a day of celebration and trying on new hats, new outlooks, new voices, new selves.

Today, I will listen to my child's voice. I will say "hello", and smile at someone who seems like she doesn't want to bother with the world. I will talk to someone I have never talked to and pay close attention to what he says. I will wear pretty clothes not functional ones. I will tell everyone at lunch how valuable they are and thank them. I will look at everything with new eyes, as if for the first time. I will find joy in a rock I discover or meditate on a colorful leaf, or stare at a bird with awe.

Today, I will be a kid again. Wanna come out and play? :)

Tagged Baby

On November 7th, I was tagged by our wonderful Her Speak! What an honor! Thank you sweetie! :)

Here are the rules:

1. Link to the person or persons who tagged you.
2. Post the rules on your blog.
3. Write six random things about yourself.
4. Tag six people at the end of your post and link to them.
5. Let each person know they’ve been tagged and leave a comment on their blog.
6. Let the tagger know when your entry is up.

Six random things about myself...

• I love cherries in every way, the color, the taste, off the tree, in pies, cherry Popsicles, cherry lipstick. Yum!
• I lived in Bangladesh from the ages of 2-4 and I have vivid memories of being there: confronting a cobra, a huge thunderstorm, the lush vegetation, wearing traditional clothes, colorful beads, mangoes!
• I understand some languages even though I never studied them.
• I love eating fresh snow.
• I have vivid dreams that are whole movies in technicolor.
• I wanted to be an Architect, and I still adore buildings.

Now for the hard part, nominating just six blogs...

1. Serena
2. Suzie
3. Caroline
4. missR*
5. Paula
6. Shannan

I only wish I could add at least 30 more. :)

Home Fire Burning

I gaze into the fire with my mind's eye.
Fire clouds enliven
the darkening sky.

Fire in the hearth
gives warmth and light
Marshmallows in fire,
sweeten the night.

The fire of our convictions
makes our hearts strong
While passionate fire
inspires our song.

Our footsteps are lighter
as they dance around
The fire in our souls
echoes the sound
Of the Universe.

Today on the first day of fire, we are asked to acknowledge our fears, and allow ourselves to take the giant leap of faith beyond them.

As, I sit here, I invoke my fears to come into the light of the fire.
I wait.
I am welcoming.
I prompt them.
None arrive.

I realize, I have conquered my fears. I am fearless.
How can this be? How can I be fearless? I used to be afraid of so much.
In the dark when I was a child, I would make sure my back was up against something. No more.
Growing up, and into my adulthood, I was afraid of rejection, so I flattened myself to please others. No more.
As a woman, I came to be afraid of being hurt in love. I wait for that to ring true within me now. It doesn't.
I am single with one income and own a home. Surely I am afraid of being able to sustain myself without a safety net. No. Nothing. Not a twinge.
How about heights? Am I afraid of those? I find them exhilarating.
Ghosts? Hi?
How about death? Am I afraid of that? Crickets.

I sit here stubbornly unafraid and smiling.
I listen to the soft hum of my furnace heating my house.
I wonder if I should get some sweet-smelling cedar this year and use my wood burning stove for the first time.
I picture a room filled with candles and am swept up by the reverence of romance and devotion.

I am strangely and firmly at peace. I feel blanketed by the warmth of my being.

So, what risk can I take beyond what I released yesterday?
Shall I climb a mountain? Reach the summit and look upon the majesty of the world around me?
Shall I quit my job and... but I love my job. I love teaching.

Wow. I am at a loss for words.
Except that I am thankful. Thankful for the burning fire within me. Thankful for the fire that burnished my soul and like an alchemist made it more precious and sturdy. Thankful for the passion that encapsulates my being. Thankful that I am fearless to speak the words that others choke on. Thankful for the conviction to blaze a trail where others fear to tread. Thankful for the fire in my eyes.

My spirit dances around the fire stoked and made more powerful by the Universe's bounty. I am thankful.

Release

I awake in stillness and gratitude for the bounty that I have been blessed with.

In this, the last day of water, after a week of tears and cleansing, heartache, and tumult, I am ready to release the one thing that has been stifling my life.

And in releasing this, I give myself permission to shed the toxic thing that has been impeding me from realizing my true potential.

I release my ingrained belief that I cannot be loved.
I release the belief that I was meant to be alone,
that there is no man on this earth for me.

I accept the idea of being worthy
of a shoulder to rest on
of smiling eyes to gaze into
of a hand to hold
of laughter to share
of a voice to melt me
of arms to hold me.

I let the water carry away all doubt, into the sea where it will dissolve. And I am at peace not only within me, but with another.

I am open to receive the gift the Universe has been offering me all along. I am aware of the signs that point me in the right direction.

I am ready to be loved by the man who has been searching for me, as I have been longing for him.

I am ready to take the leap of faith, and in so doing I shed fear, I shed the excess weight that has been buffering me from male attention, I shed the past experiences that have damaged my trusting heart.

I will lift my head when I walk.
I will look at not away.
I will smile.
I will allow myself to be seen and to see.

I unleash the potential of love that I have and let it bathe him in its light.

Because today, I am free of self-loathing.
I am free of the residuals of abuse, abandonment, and loss.
I invoke beautiful water to take these things from me and wash me clean.

Blessed be.

Peaceful Gratitude

Stillness
of rolling clouds
Majesty
of setting sun
Vastness
of accepting sea
Power
of healing air
Gratitude
of repose
in Nature's
lap
beautiful
at rest
thankful
stillness
deep.
Lying
vulnerable
Yet
sure of safety.

Today is new day. Fresh in possibilities. An empty canvas inviting the brush. A blank page aching for the pen. A clear mind ready to receive. An open heart ready to experience. Joy.
Stillness. Gratitude.

I would like to begin by thanking everyone who took the time and love to comment on yesterday's post. On the day when stillness was evoked, when everyone was invited to rest, I boiled and churned, because I could not rest. But, thanks to all of you, I am at peace. I let go and let love. Be. I am grateful for all your words of encouragement, of praise and of advice. I absorbed them, and they will grow like a majestic tree of knowledge and guide me through the days ahead. You are all muses of the higher order. Collective beauty and love. :)

I am up early, on my day off. And that's okay. I am thankful for another day, stretching before me, new. I will honor the stillness that I need and the gratitude that I feel.

This is my prayer of gratitude:

Health - May our bodies be restored to health and may healing shower my sisters in this journey.

Love - May boundless love fill our lives and lift us when we are feeling alone, or discouraged.

Creativity - May we be energized by the creative power that flows within us, springing out into expression.

Prosperity - May our homes be warm, our tables full, our needs be met.

Freedom - May we always be blessed with the liberty to pursue our dreams, and our goals.

Peace - May we reside in the safe harbour of tranquility even in the stormiest circumstances.

Travel - May our footsteps guide us to explore new beginnings, new places, new experiences that rejuvenate us and fill us with inspiration.

Pets - May our spirit guides, the tender, feral souls that have chosen us to be in their lives provide us with their boundless wisdom and love.

Music - May it fill our lives, the air we breathe, the heartbeat in our chests, our every pore with joy.

Dance- May our bodies move, like fluid dancers throughout our lives.

Air - May he wrap us in his oxygenated love, and fill our lungs with life.

Earth - May she be fruitful and whole, rich in soil, plenty of bounty, nurturing us.

Water - May she spring eternal, refreshing, restoring, rejuvenating, quenching our thirsts, cleansing our bodies and spirits.

Fire- May he provide us with warmth, with passion, with inspiration, with conviction.

Thank you. :)




Speaking UP.

(This is an image I painted that represents totally what I am feeling today. I call it Speak.)

Today, I am going to take a step from Soul Coaching until later. I feel like I must let certain things out that have been poisoning my psyche and the psyche of those around me.

Today, I woke up on fire. I am fired up. I am outraged. And I cannot take it anymore.

I work in a toxic environment, and the sole reason for this toxicity is the principal. She squashes the spirit of the school. She treats the staff like senile 5 year-olds (an oxymoron perhaps but that is how many feel). She nixes 98% of initiatives that are meant to lift the spirit of the school out of its depression and apathy.

• She killed the musical theatre program.
• She doesn't allow students to dress up for Halloween. (We are a uniform public high school)
  
• She won't allow or support any fun activities like barbecues and carnivals.
• She refuses to deal with the 5% of teachers who are truly incompetent and are damaging students' education.
• She never congratulates anyone for anything, unless in a politic way. (She gives new mothers gifts. Yay for her.) How does she show caring and compassion for everyone else? When my mother died, she gave me a card (how considerate)...addressed to herself. I kid you not. On the envelop and in the card. Her name, not mine. She didn't come to my mommy's funeral.
• She favors certain staff by allowing them to have no classes or classes of 4-5 students while other classes are bursting at the seams. Because it looks good on her resume to the Board.
• She imposes Professional Development on all of us, workshops we do not need, because one department has a high failure rate.
  
• She has stripped the Heads of the Departments of all say in the running of the school, trying to make us into paper pushers.
• She has all the Vice Principals under her thumb. We have had a slew of them come in and out of the school because of her.
• Because of her, amazing teachers have left and more are planning on leaving.
• She has the Parent Council under her thumb and destroys any initiative to bring more parents in.
• She laughs with wicked glee any time a school dance is canceled.
• All decisions and initiatives have to be signed off by her, including posters, advertising events, only to die a slow death on her desk, and decay there long after the deadline is passed.
• Book and supply orders have not been signed. Teachers are scrambling for materials.

Oh and the kicker? Every time anyone ever asks her how she is, she answers the same way. "Perfect as usual!" in a perky Professor Umbridge imitation. (see Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix) Dude, no one is perfect and never as usual.

Grrr. I am so angry. I am so passionately aware that this woman is the biggest zapper, not only in my life, but in countless others. Zap. Zap. Zap.

This has gone on far too long. She needs to go. One person cannot make two thousand unhappy. It's just not fair. She was ill this semester and was away for two weeks. You could feel the school visibly relaxing. We all knew when she came back, we could feel the tension.

I am not one to sit back and bitch, or run away. I need to be able to do something about it. I do not like to feel powerless.

Speaking of zappers... I have a student in my grade 12 writer's craft who is a major zapper of not only my energy but the other students' energy. He is out of control. Laughs like a maniac (no exaggeration), sings at the top of his lungs, runs on desks, (yes runs on desks), makes racial remarks, picks on one socially inept student in the class, all in subtle kind of ways, and to top it off makes several girls uncomfortable (they have come to complain about him). I went to his Guidance Officer and requested that he be removed from my class. It's an elective course, he is doing none of the work, and he is 19. It's time he acquaints himself with reality. I can't keep allowing him to victimize my whole class.

I am seemingly powerless to change the principal, but I can affect change within my class room.

Last night, I felt guilty about this. I felt that I was letting him down., that I was not being an understanding person or teacher. This morning, I woke up all fired up.

Now, I feel at peace. I let it out into the universe, and trust that it will help. Ah! Stillness :)

Soul Companions

The above represents to me the deepest part of love and life. The dance of souls connecting freely and unbound by earthly considerations. I call it ballet. (click on it to see it larger)

I would like to begin by saying Thank You to Marilyn and by extension Jamie for the link to Denise Linn's Soul Coaching.

It's especially crucial for me, because I lost my book. :( I looked for it last night, only to remember I took it to the gym with me yesterday morning, but it was not in my (Wonder Woman, mhm) gym bag. I must admit I experienced panic and felt a bit of a dufus. I called the gym but they did not have it. So that's when I reached a turning point. I didn't beat myself up and I didn't bemoan my "bad luck". I thought, "Well it must have gone to someone who needs it more at this moment. Someone found it, and took it instead of returning it, because she needed it. I will find a way to get another one."
And the universe replied through Marilyn and Jamie! Thank you Universe! Thank you ladies!

I had a dream last night that I believe is very portentous, melding perfectly with today's focus.

I don't remember the whole dream ( I really must learn how to recall my full dreams), but I do remember the most pithy part. I was a Super Hero. Teehee. There were two males with me. A Super Hero and a Super Villain. In our struggle, because of course there was a struggle, we reached an impasse. There was only one way to traverse to safety over deadly terrain, by swinging across. I called to my companion to follow closely, as I knotted my magical rope (Wonder Woman?) into a loop at the end and tossed it to a sturdy tree branch, tightening the loop. I swung across, yelling I would throw the rope to him. As he reached for the rope, the villain cracked his whip, impeding him. My Super Hero, let go of the rope so as not to get me pulled back into the fray, shouting "Go on ahead, I will be right behind you." And I did, knowing that he would. And I woke up.

Damn. I always wake up too soon. But wow, what a dream! Its interpretations swarm my mind, cluttering to come to the forefront, and I must set them to order before they come scrambling out incoherently. I welcome your interpretations in the meantime.

Today is about honoring relationships. With the Creator, with our parents, with ourselves, with the people around us, discovering patterns.

I can write a book about this, and I believe today, I will be adding to this post all day. In fact, I wish I had all day today to devote to this exercise because I know it is important to me.

You see, I used to always feel alone, as a human being. Since I was a child, I could feel my solitude wrapped around me, and although I had relationships with people, I used to feel the odd person out. The round peg in a sea of square holes. The third girl in a trio of friends. The third wheel in couples. The lonely soul in the marriage. The voice in the desert.

Still, I always had a connection to the universal soul from which we all sprung. I could never understand what or who that was, but I always believed. I read religious texts voraciously. I went to churches and synagogues, temples and mosques. I read about Tao, Zen, Buddha's teachings, Jesus' words. I did not know which to espouse, so I espoused the best of them. Still, I believed without a doubt that there was a purpose to our lives, that we were not results of a freak accident.

I used to wonder if I was the one soul without the mate. I pondered if there was something about me that could not inspire lasting love. I lost friends. I lost lovers. I lost my parents.

That was the turning point for me. When I lost both my parents, I lost faith. I felt like the darkness had descended on me and grief swallowed my very existence. My relationship with my parents was not idyllic, but I know they loved me and I loved them, unconditionally, and that was gone. I was gone. My belief in my purpose was gone.

Until a few weeks ago.

I used that fearless determination of mine and started to singlehandedly pull myself away from the impasse, the deadly terrain I had found myself in. I used the rope fashioned by people's encouragement and love. I was never alone. In my fog, I realized, there were people rooting for me, supporting me, and to them I owe my life. Danette's gentle nudges, her continued and loving support for my efforts. Emily's boundless caring and her hand on my shoulder. Vasya's insistence in making sure I had my god daughter and her with me in my darkest moments. Dawn's humour and persistence in making me watch funny movies As I write this, the tears are falling, the typos increase. Thank the universe for spell check.

Then I was washed by the warm, loving, cleansing water of this lovely community that I swim in. Soul Coaching could have fallen the way of so many other inspirational works I have read and studied and followed. What makes it unique, miraculous, and life-giving is each and every one of you. I am so, so deeply thankful. May the bounties of the heavens rain blessings upon each and every one of you. Thank you.

Am I completely healed? I am not there yet, but on my way. I have found my center again, and it is getting stronger with each rejuvenating breath I take, with each restorative glass of water I drink.