The Dead of Night

Demons come out
in the dead of night
not in the day
when you can fight.
Thoughts that blunted
when awake,
when you lie down,
drive in a stake
through your heart.
Thoughts that tear
your sleep apart.

Maybe you toss
Maybe you turn
But in your mind
those thoughts burn.
So you get up
the demon to flog.
Of course, you came
to friendly blog
To let the words
begin to flow
and the demon's
reason show
for flinging you
out of your bed
with crazy thoughts
inside your head.

That's what I get for not dealing with things. Obviously, something is bothering me. Is it a crisis or hormonal imbalance? All I know is, it's almost 3 am and I am wide awake, thinking.

Thinking that this society is made for couples, is made for settling, not down but for. It's not made for people who wake up in the middle of the night without someone to ask, "What's wrong, honey?" It's made for people who have doubled their family, their friends, their income, halved their chores, doubled their social status, and halved their isolation. They get tax breaks, and travel cuts. Two for one deals, and movie specials. They get holidays. Not one, but all of them. When is national Single Day? Right. Never.

Then I think... Do I want to be woken up in the middle of the night by a paranoid man who is calling me names? Do I need to be getting into a nasty fight in front of my friends, making everyone taste the awkwardness? Do I need to be so dependent on someone, that I cannot make a move without including him? Do I need to apologize and feel the heavy cloak of guilt because I have chosen to do something I want to do, not follow his plans? Do I need to feel shredded when I start to believe he does not love me anymore?

I continue to think...Do I want to feel his arms around me with a comfort that reassures me? Do I want to share a meal, a smile, an autumn morning? Do I want to feel like a woman desired and loved? Do I want to talk about a movie we just watched while walking home in the rain? Do I want to make him lunch while he tackles the leaves in the eaves troughs? Do I want to hold him when he is feeling low? Kiss him on the forehead to see if he is running a fever? Do I want to have a snow fight or a pillow fight? Do those come with make-up sex?

Obviously, the demon who woke me up at this unhealthy hour is loneliness. What triggered it is petty, not worth mentioning, but a powerful enough catalyst to wrench me out of slumber.

I have been working on myself. Working out the kinks. Trying to embrace life and its rewards. There is much to celebrate in my life, but am I kidding myself? Am I repressing all this loneliness; am I simply damming this current that will one day dissolve me? Or am I building myself a raft, for one, so that I may survive this? Is this a step back in my progress, or just another stage towards total freedom? Am I detoxifying the remnants of sadness and despair, to make room for light?

Couldn't I do this in the day, rather than lose precious sleep? Obviously not, or I would not be sitting here, feeling the bags form under my eyes, torturing this blog with my thoughts. I am too busy. Busy solving problems, organizing situations, preparing others for their futures, while mine seems bleak? Is that I'm doing?

And what made me so lucky that I have been given this seemingly infinite amount of time to work on myself? Is that sarcasm I detect Ms Genie? I am good at the sarcasm, but let's not skirt the issue. Why must I be worthy to be loved when almost everyone else around me seems to not have to do a single thing to achieve it? I could have had someone here with me now, if I had taken him away from his wife. But. I chose not to. I could have had someone here, if I had chosen to stay with a man who was steadily wasting his life. But. I chose not to witness it. I could have had someone here, if I had chosen to play games. But. I'm incapable of that.

Am I better than that? Hell, there is no such thing as better. The fact is, that's the way it is right now. Looking for a reason, isn't going to change it. I still wonder. I'm human. It's an ageless question. Why me? Am I not lovable enough? Not vulnerable enough? Not pretty enough? Or loving enough? Am I too independent? Too self-reliant? Too honest? Too fat?

Aww, hell. I have no answers. I need to sleep. I have to go to the gym this morning. Stinky will keep me company. I can always count on him. :)