Holy Eve - Week 5

Happy Halloween everyone!

It was a gorgeous day today. The weather absolutely grinned for the trick or treaters! A lot of people went all out with the decorations this year. There was even a two tent haunted house set up one street over from me. The costumes were amazing, almost like a wardrobe department was working on them!

Before I take my tired self to bed, I will pay tribute to the wonderful things that happened this week.

• I had dinner with Dawn and Rob and Renata, Jeff, and their angelic girls, Sabi, Zoë. I got to enjoy the beautiful girlies and the company of warm friends and delicious food.
• I took the day off on Monday, and stayed in my pajamas all day, puttering, relaxing and giving myself a mani-pedi!
• This was a week of dinners, and we had our monthly Girls Night At the Keg Haunted Mansion. While eating juicy steaks we poured over the Ghost Log and scared ourselves into a bit of a sleepless night. It was great! Heh!
• My students completed some amazing presentations of original Tarot cards based on Archetypal themes and figures.
• I negotiated a meeting with a few difficult members of my department to discuss office restructuring, and successfully talked down one woman from having a meltdown.
• I went to the gym and this week was the first time I actually felt the effects while I was working out- absolutely no stiffness and pain, just boundless energy!

In the spirit of the Great Pumpkin I made a Halloween Collage!


Halloween by Genie Sea

And so, it snowed...

I awoke this morning to see a fine coating of snow on the ground, and despite the weather reports, despite the fact the I have lived in Canada almost my whole life, my jaw dropped.

It isn't even Halloween yet!

Snow has become a particularity big challenge since I have become a home owner. It's disposing of the stuff that daunts me. The salting, the shoveling, the unburying make me slightly ill. Snow is beautiful when it falls but when it crusts over into a pile of dirty ghoulish figures on your front garden making the sidewalks narrower and the driving more treacherous, it ain't so pretty anymore.

But...

Snow does lighten up the dark winter. The sky reflects it almost lovingly.
Snow does make a soothing crunching sound when you are walking on it, especially in the quiet of the night.
Snow does taste refreshing when it hits your tongue, as it falls in dainty patterns from the sky.
Snow does make lovely sculptures. Snow people, snow animals and snow castles.
Snow does smell fresh, like pillows of oxygen lying on the ground.
Snow does make the city noises hush. It tames the obnoxious tones into reverent whispers.
Snow does make the hard chill of sub-zero ease.

There is no shortage of tips on how to deal with natures white dump. I suppose I can stay stocked with huge bags of salt, and make sure the sidewalk and driveway are well-seasoned before a heavy snow fall. I suppose my neighbour's tenant will help with the shovelling, this year. I suppose I can make an appointment to get snow tires on my car, this year. I suppose I can buy a better coat or winter jacket.

I don't want to move to Florida, so I suppose I will make the best of it. It will add some cardio to my morning routine! I suppose it will help with my new svelte figure!

Ok. Ok. Let it snow. Let it snow? Let it snow!

Smile

I made this collage (yes I'm addicted). It has all the things in it that make me smile, and take me to my own personal Utopia.



Smile by Genie Sea

Challenging but Positive! Week 4

This week was a challenging one, but I will not lose track of my newly formed practice of celebrating the good things.

• I held a meeting after school with the Grade 9 teachers for information and support. I treated them all to coffee and muffins. They were all appreciative and we all came out of that meeting with great ideas and plans. It was a success!
• I was able to correctly identify what was bothering me, and let it all come out uncensored so that I may deal with it.
• I was asked to do a seminar on blogging in the classroom for the school.
• I was able to take care of a friend when she was not feeling too well.
• I made an exciting lesson plan about archetypes and Tarot cards using Power Point. The students loved it!
• I finally got a landscaper to clean out my front garden and car port. The front is a clean slate to work on in the spring!
• I went on an awesome field trip with the Grade 9s to a performance of Elizabethan music as it relates to Shakespeare. It was very informative. The hurdy gurdy was fascinating!

The Dead of Night

Demons come out
in the dead of night
not in the day
when you can fight.
Thoughts that blunted
when awake,
when you lie down,
drive in a stake
through your heart.
Thoughts that tear
your sleep apart.

Maybe you toss
Maybe you turn
But in your mind
those thoughts burn.
So you get up
the demon to flog.
Of course, you came
to friendly blog
To let the words
begin to flow
and the demon's
reason show
for flinging you
out of your bed
with crazy thoughts
inside your head.

That's what I get for not dealing with things. Obviously, something is bothering me. Is it a crisis or hormonal imbalance? All I know is, it's almost 3 am and I am wide awake, thinking.

Thinking that this society is made for couples, is made for settling, not down but for. It's not made for people who wake up in the middle of the night without someone to ask, "What's wrong, honey?" It's made for people who have doubled their family, their friends, their income, halved their chores, doubled their social status, and halved their isolation. They get tax breaks, and travel cuts. Two for one deals, and movie specials. They get holidays. Not one, but all of them. When is national Single Day? Right. Never.

Then I think... Do I want to be woken up in the middle of the night by a paranoid man who is calling me names? Do I need to be getting into a nasty fight in front of my friends, making everyone taste the awkwardness? Do I need to be so dependent on someone, that I cannot make a move without including him? Do I need to apologize and feel the heavy cloak of guilt because I have chosen to do something I want to do, not follow his plans? Do I need to feel shredded when I start to believe he does not love me anymore?

I continue to think...Do I want to feel his arms around me with a comfort that reassures me? Do I want to share a meal, a smile, an autumn morning? Do I want to feel like a woman desired and loved? Do I want to talk about a movie we just watched while walking home in the rain? Do I want to make him lunch while he tackles the leaves in the eaves troughs? Do I want to hold him when he is feeling low? Kiss him on the forehead to see if he is running a fever? Do I want to have a snow fight or a pillow fight? Do those come with make-up sex?

Obviously, the demon who woke me up at this unhealthy hour is loneliness. What triggered it is petty, not worth mentioning, but a powerful enough catalyst to wrench me out of slumber.

I have been working on myself. Working out the kinks. Trying to embrace life and its rewards. There is much to celebrate in my life, but am I kidding myself? Am I repressing all this loneliness; am I simply damming this current that will one day dissolve me? Or am I building myself a raft, for one, so that I may survive this? Is this a step back in my progress, or just another stage towards total freedom? Am I detoxifying the remnants of sadness and despair, to make room for light?

Couldn't I do this in the day, rather than lose precious sleep? Obviously not, or I would not be sitting here, feeling the bags form under my eyes, torturing this blog with my thoughts. I am too busy. Busy solving problems, organizing situations, preparing others for their futures, while mine seems bleak? Is that I'm doing?

And what made me so lucky that I have been given this seemingly infinite amount of time to work on myself? Is that sarcasm I detect Ms Genie? I am good at the sarcasm, but let's not skirt the issue. Why must I be worthy to be loved when almost everyone else around me seems to not have to do a single thing to achieve it? I could have had someone here with me now, if I had taken him away from his wife. But. I chose not to. I could have had someone here, if I had chosen to stay with a man who was steadily wasting his life. But. I chose not to witness it. I could have had someone here, if I had chosen to play games. But. I'm incapable of that.

Am I better than that? Hell, there is no such thing as better. The fact is, that's the way it is right now. Looking for a reason, isn't going to change it. I still wonder. I'm human. It's an ageless question. Why me? Am I not lovable enough? Not vulnerable enough? Not pretty enough? Or loving enough? Am I too independent? Too self-reliant? Too honest? Too fat?

Aww, hell. I have no answers. I need to sleep. I have to go to the gym this morning. Stinky will keep me company. I can always count on him. :)

Gym as Temple

Today, I changed my Sunday morning routine for the better. I added a new component that has infused my lazy tradition with energy.

I went to the gym first thing this morning! I had the opportunity to carefully tackle the machines and weights I can't during the week because of time constrictions; but more importantly it vitalized my day and gave me some quiet time to reflect on the bounties that the Universe has been kind enough to bestow me. This is a spiritual habit I will be happy to espouse!

I rewarded myself with a large Tim Horton's coffee and a breakfast sandwich. Yes, I am fully familiar with the nutritional statistics, but Sunday brunch has always been in my tradition, now boosted with an hour and 15 minutes of cardio and weights. I savoured my lovely meal and delicious coffee while watching Corrie Street, guilt free! :)

Ah, the sun is shining and it will be another glorious autumn day! Life is good!

Collages

Life is a collage of experiences.
Sight is a collage of images.
Sound is a collage of music.
Life is a collage of senses.
Thought is a collage of ideas.
We are all part of a Universal Collage.

Collages have been fascinating me lately, and as is with all things universal, I have been getting constant cues and prompts to pursue this. So in the spirit of collage, here is my first online collage!


Live. Love by Genie Sea


I am loving my redesigned blog. The colors make me ♥♥! :)

Positivity - Week 3

This week was one of illumination and purpose as I continue my Positivity Project

• I had a quiet day of reflection and relaxation where I decided to forgo others' company and enjoy my own.
• I voted, and was unsurprised with the results. It was the best possible scenario.
• I participated in Part Deux of Play Lab where I got together with three beautiful souls. Words and images mingled together with delight. I made two collages that I really love and am looking forward to making more.
• I reinforced my commitment to my health by going to the gym in the evening when I couldn't in the morning.
• I had the opportunity to connect with parents of my students and give them news of how fabulous their kids are, because each of them is in his/her way.
• I was tested with someone's anger which I diffused rather than fed.
• I shared a mojito and some nachos with friends to unwind from a long and demanding day.
• I enjoyed the moon in all her splendour. She was particularly beguiling this week.
• I continued in my dedication to nurturing the positive in my life and gently pushing out the negative.
• I am progressively going through my stack of books and possibly considering joining a blogging book club!

Today, as I ready myself for the gym and winding down the week, I am thankful for all my blessings.

Civic Duty

Today, I voted.

It is a civic duty and responsibility I will never forgo. No matter what, casting a vote is the only way I can say I have given back to a country that has given me so much.

It wasn't easy wading through party rhetoric and strategic advertising to find the platform I could vote for with a clean conscience. I did my homework, read and listened, and voted. I didn't get a voting card, so I had to go to two different polling stations with my ID before finding where I should be. If I had to go to more, I would have.

It's hard being a Canadian voter. Most people will take more online polls about their sex lives or what kind if Harry Potter character they are than weighing in on the most important poll of all. The future of our country.

Health care has turned into Russian Roulette. Finding a family doctor alone is almost impossible, let alone finding one you will trust with your health. Hospitals are short-staffed and equally short-tempered. The pharmaceutical companies have a greater say on our health than we do. We are practically extorted into shoving experimental drugs down our throats for future supposed illnesses that may or may not develop.

Funding for public education has dwindled to the detriment of the very students we are responsible for, to the detriment of future voters. In Toronto, amalgamation has turned the "system" into a bulky, slow-moving, blind monster. Funds are misspent, deals with suppliers leak public funds with gouged prices, social workers and nurses are spread thinner than the butter on Oliver's stale bread.

Banks have stolen not only our pocket books, but our pockets as well with hidden charges, additional fees for using automated services that are supposed to save them money, and interest charges that are worse than aggravated hemorrhoids. Big banks are not only swallowing up smaller banking institutions but also theaters, sporting venues, museums, and I fully expect them to take over the street meat vendors as well. Scotia Bank Hot Dog Stand. BMO News Stand. TD Canada Trust Hair Dressers. Gee, I wonder where they are getting all those funds? Oh right. That $1.50 every time I use my debit card. Yeah, the one that is responsible for fewer salaried tellers.

I'm not even going to talk about gas prices that seem to depend on everything under the sun. If there is a storm in Connecticut or the President of the US has a hang nail, boom, gas prices go up. Then, all the prices spiral in a horrific domino effect.

Shall I even talk about the murderous effects on our environment? The insane tax breaks for already filthy rich conglomerates that are killing the earth and, by extension, us? The disgusting underpayment of Old Age Pension that makes being old synonymous with being poor?

I am hoping and praying that my vote will make a difference. Something has got to give. I certainly do not want to see my country turn into one where the rich strip the poor, and we wind up lugging our money around in wheel barrels to buy stale bread and milk. More please.

Giving Thanks.

There is something so magical about Thanksgiving. It doesn't carry the emotional baggage that the Christmas and New Year's holidays seem to bring. I's a time to gather and reflect on our blessings, rather than worry about not having enough room on our Visas to buy gifts, or not having a date December 31st.

It might not have the bright lights and the tinsel that Christmas brings, but it has the warm and heady colours of Fall. Scarlet leaves and orange pumpkins, yellow squash and green apples.

The sunlight is without the relentless fierceness of summer. It paints streets, houses and people with liquid gold.

People gather to eat together and enjoy each other's company. Turkeys roast and sweet potatoes mash, cranberries jell and gravies sizzle. Wines are full and cider sparkles.

I am lucky enough to be invited to two Thanksgiving dinners. I am making Russian potato salad for one, and Greek spanakopita for the other. People are so kind to share their homes and families with me, so the loss of my own family is not so acute. I am so thankful for this alone.

I hope everyone is welcomed with love-filled nourishment and dappled by Fall's lovely pallet.

Fullness, Love and the Healing Calf. Week 2

I look back at this week and I have much to be thankful for and celebrate.

• I went for coffee with Renata and we had a chance to catch up and reconnect. It made me happy :)
• I learned that a hug and a phone call can make a huge difference for someone in distress.
• The peanut is well and thriving which brings me endless joy.
• I was able to complete my treadmill sessions without pain in my calf.
• I had a chance to chill with Emily and talk about life and love :)
• I told Pat something she was needing to hear and that helped her in her time of personal challenge.
• I was able to think about the man who broke my heart without my heart re-breaking again.
• I got an offer to write for a project! How exciting!
• We had a potluck celebration yesterday that was yummy and warm.
• I realized you cannot please everyone and that is okay.
• I found a really great recipe for Russian potato salad that I will bring to Thanksgiving dinner.
• I had the opportunity to teach some of my students a valuable lesson.
• I had a few great discussions with my students in our Literature class.
• I am looking forward to this weekend. It's Thanksgiving and I'm thankful for friends, my Stinky, and an extra day of rest.

Life is wonderful.

Taking the Garbage out.

I had a complicated and magical dream last night. I don't remember it all, because it happened in the dead of night, and I only remember this part of it because I woke up to attend to nature.

There was a swarm of flying insects besieging us ( I do not remember who was there, but there were a few people). These insects were like bees, very colorful, but unlike bees very mischievous with many orange eyes. I started twirling until I became a whirlwind which dislodged all the insects and cast them into space. The most interesting thing about this was the feeling I had as I was whirling. It was exhilarating! I twirled and twirled defying gravity, physics and biology. Weee!

On a mundane level this could refer to the events of the previous post. The initiave of ridding the office of the pesky and the unnecessary. If I'm going to be symbolized by an object, I would rather it be a whirldwind than a steamroller.

On the phychological level this could refer to the feeling of empowerment, as I free myself from the emotional baggage that has been bogging me down, and rid myself of it once and for all.

On the metaphysical level this could refer to my soul freeing itself from the mundane and the emotional and experiencing its true boundless nature.

On any level, I love the meaning of this dream. It epitomizes my metamorphosis as it is happening. I am conscious of it though there are a lot of subconscious forces at work. I am liberating myself from the subconscious negatives that beseiged me for so many years. I am becoming my true self, without apologies or explanations.

The subconscious is a garbage recepticle of our psyche. All the hurts, negative reinforcement, traumatic events are dumped in there over the years. If it is not cleared regularly, it starts to fester and stink, overpowering the clean parts with its stench. It's about time I emptied it, and I am feeling the better, freer, and lighter for it.

What a way to begin the week! :)

Steam Roller Baby!

It's 6:44 am on a Saturday, and I'm up! What the heck?

It's not like I didn't get enough sleep. I am wonderfully rested and full of energy. I'm having my morning coffee and ready to meet the day. Of course, before it all begins, I'm going to the gym this morning. Not because I have to, because I want to!

How strange.

I don't know what came first, but this energy I have is not going to go to waste. I want it to grow exponentially, because I am loving it. I feel happy and alive! The fascinating thing about this feeling is that there is no event in my life that is really responsible for it. It's just coming from within.

Am I complaining? Hell, no! Bring it on!

It's funny, but my very good friend, soul sister really, Dawn, called me a "steam roller" yesterday. She meant it as a compliment, I think. We were talking about the changes my partner, Renata, and I are making in our department, and referring to some people's reluctance or fear of change.

It seems I'm pushy and bossy. Both are very unflattering words. I call it assertiveness and a dedication to make things happen. It really puzzles me when adults who know something is not working will not take steps to correct it. It baffles me even more that they feel disgruntled when someone else takes the initiative. I thought that leaders do that. Lead by example. Take on projects and see them to completion.

When she said that to me, the old part of me recoiled. I am very sensitive to criticism, mostly because that is almost exclusively how I was raised. My classic response is defensiveness, gathering my considerably hard shell around me and battening down the hatches.

That reaction did not last long.

I thought. "So what? What if some of those negative nellies, those reluctant complainers were disgruntled with the fact that the changes were happening too quickly? I am not asking any of them to actually do anything, yet they will enjoy the fruit of our labour"

Here are some examples:

We are decluttering the office.

An office is a professional work space. It was so cluttered with unused and dusty objects - filing cabinets, bric-a-brac, old files whose contents were yellowed, boxes full of crap, old unusable equipment, furniture that was both ugly and impractical. All that has been removed or replaced or reorganized to make the office more functional and less of a dumping zone. People have actually told me that they love these changes.

Sometimes a steam roller is necessary in order to get rid of rubble and smooth out surfaces.

We are in the process of replacing a centre bank of cubicles that are both too small for an adult workspace and serve as a huge block of light and vision. They will be dismantled and real, flat desks will take their place along with waist-high book cases for their stuff.

Here is the technical/spacial dilemma.

The bigger desks will take up more floor space. My solution it to assign regular desks to people who are using them as work spaces (4), and get one shared desk for the 2 or 3 other people who just need somewhere to dump their forgotten things. (Things that further clutter the office and our senses.)

The other option is to replace all six cubicles with regular sized desks and put the "dining table" in the kitchen that has no windows and no real light. A lot of people do not like this idea, and I don't blame them.

Can you make everyone happy? I don't think so. Do you go with the majority? I will ask that very question at the next department meeting. Very un-steam-roller-like of me.

The thing is this: These changes needed to happen a long time ago. One's physical environment is crucial to one's outlook. Light and space play a huge factor in our mood. The mood in that office for many years has been gloomy, disgruntled, whiny, and otherwise negative.

That's changing.

The round table with which we replaced the old sitting area allows more people to gather and have their lunch and chat. It's more civilized. I see the smiling faces. Someone said we need a bigger table. That's true, but everything needs to be done in stages. After all, even a steam roller can do so much! :)

Things are organized; procedures have been put in place; there is order. The mood has lightened.

I will not take sole credit for those changes.

I am very fortunate to be working with someone who has the same vision as me and isn't afraid to roll up her sleeves - Renata. This woman is a powerhouse! I am so honored to be working with her! She gets things done before you even have a chance to process the problem! I so admire and respect her, and it's just a bonus that I love her. She is one of my very good friends, and I am so lucky to have her in my life.

I am also very fortunate that several members of the department have also pitched in and gone out of their way to help move, sort, discard and organize.

I choose to focus on that. I choose to focus on the positive results and feedback. Those who are negative can keep their storm clouds hanging over their own heads. That is their choice, but they are not going to rain on my parade. Rain, after all, rusts steam rollers. :)

Making Full the Empty - Week 1

Drop by drop, I fill my cup. Self-nurturing. Inside, out. In my ongoing dedication to making the positive my goal, focus and reward, I am starting the Positivity Project. At the end of each week I will list all the positive and nurturing events I experienced.

Here is week one of my Positivity Project:

♥ I went to the gym almost every morning. I started my day with activity, giving my body strength and stamina.

♥ I had healthy meals, every meal this week. Fruit, grains, vegetables, protein.

♥ I am catching up on my piling workload.

♥ I filled out forms that will reimburse me some money I spent.

♥ I ran the staff meeting successfully as the first chair of the year.

♥ I held a meeting for the teachers in my department who teach grade 9, and they appreciated it.

♥ I have gotten enough sleep and felt rested.

♥ I have made sure to say one positive thing to people around me.

♥ I finally remember an interesting dream I had last night. It involved two parallel worlds, and a man.

♥ I have organized my kitchen cupboards and cleaned out my fridge.

♥ I have organized my clothes into piles of Want, Need, Can Live Without. I put the third pile into two garbage bags (note: address my impulse shopping)and gave the clothes to those less fortunate.

♥ I smiled more than I frowned.

Not a bad week at all! :)

Me

Thanks to Danette and by extension her friend Jamie for this idea, I have made a mosaic of pictures that represent me. They are based on the following questions!

1. What is your first name?
2. What is your favorite food?
3. What high school did you attend?
4. What is your favorite color?
5. Who is your celebrity crush?
6. Favorite drink?
7. Dream vacation?
8. Favorite dessert?
9. What do you want to be when you grow up?
10. What do you love most in life?
11. One word to describe you.
12. Your Flickr name.

This was a very interesting and fun exercise! I really love the outcome, and without further ado, here is the pictorial me.



1. Genie in a Cloud, 2. bryani, 3. SacredHeart1, 4. The Chesil Beach at Portland - Jurassic Coast World Heritage Site, 5. Clive Owen, 6. Martini Glass Macro, 7. Designed by shadow - Tuscany, 8. Chocolate is a Girl's Best Friend!, 9. the author looms above his page, 10. Love XOXO, 11. Fiery, 12. Gates of Babylon


Genie in a Cloud - How exciting to find my name encapsulated in the luscious curve of a cloud. My fascination with clouds has been lifelong, so how fortuitous is it that I found this picture? :)

Bryani - Yum! My love of the Indian cuisine started early in life for me, as I lived in Bangladesh between the ages of 2-4. Talk about nature versus nurture! I was imprinted early in life by that wonderful culture of rich color, beauteous spice, and a rhythm that embodies the zest for living.

The Sacred Heart - My Alma Mater! There were good times and bad times, but nothing spells adolescence more than sneaking into the cloistered section at lunch time and not getting caught!

Blue on blue - This is probably the most universally picked color. It makes sense because blue is the sea- unending, nurturing, and mysterious. Blue is the air - the essence of life and freedom.

Clive Owen - Ah! A girl can wish. He makes my heart go "boom" whenever I see him. I am not one for the "celebrity crush" but he smokes my fire! ♥

The Martini - There is nothing like a good old-fashioned martini, with Blue Sapphire gin and olives, but I will never say no to a chocolate martini, or an espresso martini, or any martini really. Lush much?

Tuscany - It enthralls me. It's my nirvana. This picture not only epitomizes my desire to visit Tuscany one day, it revisits my love of architecture, and sunsets!

Chocolate - Really. Need I say more? :)

An author - I am a writer realized. I want to be a writer published, a writer known! I breathe through my fingers, and I want to share my breath with others.

Love - What is life without it? A mere shadow of itself.

Fiery - A flower blooms. A sunset flares. A smile beams. I am full.

The Gates of Babylon - This says it all!