The Soil is Turning

It's been almost a week since I entered a post.

I would like to say that it has been a busy week, full of marvelous activities, and maybe it has but that's not what I want to write about now.

I would like to address the depression I have been feeling. It's a hard thing to even acknowledge it, and believe me I have tried to avoid it, but it will not be ignored.

What complicates things is that I am not one to succumb to such feelings. I have been a little ashamed to admit that I have been depressed. Possibly because I used to think of it as self-indulgence. I don't anymore.

It's a ghost in the cupboard.

I don't have the number for ghost busters so I have been dealing with it on my own.

The first step, as they say, is acknowledging it. How much more publically can I do it than on my blog?

It's out there.
I have said it.
I am staring that disgruntled monster in the eye.

I have a lot of good reasons to be depressed, but right now I don't want to dwell on them. It is good to acknowledge them, and send them on their way.

The Zen way. Live in the moment. Accept the past and that it is over. Accept the future and that it is not set in stone. The only thing we have is the moment. Live in it.

That is so simple, so wise, so unpolluted, and yet the hardest thing to achieve. But not impossible.

I have been allowing myself to be plagued by the past and the immeasurable mistakes I have made. I am my own worse critic and sometimes with good reason.

Sometimes. the things that come out of my mouth, although truth are thoughtless and sometimes brutal. I do not like that about myself. I always regret them. I apologize. I am trying to stop doing that. I need to train myself to speak only when absolutely necessary and when I speak to do so thoughtfully.

I feel like I have not been a good daughter, a good friend, a good lover, a good colleague, a good leader, a good teacher, a good neighbour, or a good citizen of the world. This is a hard sentence I am giving myself for failing. Yet I know I have not failed as much as I am perceiving.

The thing that frightens me the most though, is that when I think about the future, I draw a blank. There are no hopes, no dreams, no plans that used to fill my life before. It feels like I have gone numb. It feels really dark sometimes.

I laugh. I smile. I interract with people but I'm not there. I'm not anywhere.

People have wondered if I am mad at them. People are worried. People are kind and caring.

I am not mad. I think they have a lot to be worried about, because there is a good chance that the things I have had to go through in the past year, have killed a big part of me.

I make plans. I make lists of things that I can do and should do to help myself. I know I should talk to "someone", but I'm done talking. I don't want to open up to anyone.

The fact that I am even writing this, is a miracle.

I'm not writing about some television show, that in the long run doesn't even matter. I'm writing about the one thing that really matters.

I am in a life-or-death struggle right now, and I have undertaken it alone.

I will conquer this because I am strong, and I am persistant, and I do not give up. And despite everything I have said or done in the past to cause others and myself pain, I am a good person.

So, I will fight for my life, and I will keep myself honest.