Ebb and Flow

It's all in the attitude, the outlook, the lens from which we perceive the world. Circumstances are what they are, but it is our reaction to them that can change; and sometimes, the greatest change comes from within.
The Revolution of One.

I have always drawn great comfort and release from writing. There have been periods in my life when I have written non-stop. I have a lot to say.
Then there have been other times that a silence comes over me.
I have a lot to experience.
It used to be that sometimes, during the ebb-time of my writing, I would be stricken with a sudden panic that I am not doing more with my abilities, with my time. That because
I am a writer,
I have the obligation to publish.
To see my name (Hello, Ego! How you doin'?) in print.

But writing does not bear any relation to the business of publishing.
Or does it?

Writing is expression and should be something personal.
It should exist for its own sake, and not depend on who is reading it and for what purpose.
But that's utter nonsense.
Writing needs to be shared.
Otherwise, it's an endless babbling monologue in a room of one.

But in my room, there is a revolution brewing.
I can feel it bubbling inside, a brook of change, of growth, of resurgence.

I am standing at the terminal, watching the planes depart and land.
Tickets and boarding passes of ideas and possibilities, that might pique my interest or just leave me cold.
I choose to embark on this adventure with
anticipation
not wariness.

The attitude might not change the outcome, but it can make the ride.

Now Boarding

Do you ever get those dreams that make you wake up with tears in your eyes? I had one this morning. I dreamt that I was vacationing with friends of mine, friends I have known for decades, friends with whom I have all but lost touch. Not for lack of trying on my part.

We were at an airport about to go back home, when I told them how I felt about this distance that is ever-growing between us. They listened and were sympathetic, promising to keep in touch. Our flight was called and we gathered our things to cue up at the gate. As I was following them, I noticed they left some sunglasses behind - three pairs- and when I turned back from getting them, they had all disappeared.

They didn't even wait for me.

The last thought I had was, "It's okay. We're on the same flight."

I guess the symbolic and not so symbolic message of the dream is very clear. This feeling of abandonment the dream engendered is a familiar one, one I have dreamt about and have felt on several occasions; and as I slowly woke up, going through my morning routines, I realized it's time to let go.

No matter how much I try to keep in touch with people who have moved on in their lives, leaving me in their past, it's time to just collect myself and move on with mine. Trying to hold on to the precious memories of a past friendship, memories left behind like sunglasses at an airport diner, is sweet but futile.

Time to gather up myself, and cue up at the gate of new possibilities. And who knows, one day, we might find ourselves on the same flight.

A Voice

Sometimes, a voice moves separately from the words. A soft dulcet tone delivering the harshest comment can sweeten it into an endearment. A voice, harsh with anger, turns a simple hello into a curse.

Sometimes, a voice filled with passion, strangled by tears, impregnated by laughter, can evoke the most powerful emotion.

Sometimes, a voice is overcome by the enormity of what it has to deliver; and sometimes, it can break sound barriers, shatter all barriers, to deliver its missile.

Voices can mingle or clash, but sometimes, voices can maim the underlying understanding of voiceless communication.

Sometimes, soft voices can be barely audible in a room full of hotheads, but sometimes soft voices can command the room's attention.

Sometimes, voices can break off into many prisms of uncut crystal clarity.

But never, no never, should voices be silenced.

Something Smiles

Creativity. The root of existence.
Existence. An idea within, a breath coming out.
Spark. Electricity.
Syncopated oxygen.
Smothered in the fluid motion of air
spirit
soul.
Relaxation. A tune. In tune.
A one with one. Being just in the moment.
Just so.
So?
Trying to force the air out at first. Force the juices of inspiration.
Like one held in a cave too long. A willing captive of one's own denial of what the moment may bring.
Still.
It is worth the gasping, searing pain of being forced into that moment.
Going through the canal of birth.
Rebirth.
Painful and messy. The first breath painful, but the harbinger of life.
A breath we have taken for granted.
No second thought.
A primal instinct.
A life we live unconsciously from morning waking to evening ritual.
But.
Stop.
Breathe in the moment. Precious breath.
Breeding sparks of truth.
Nurtures the soil of the soul. The soul of the soil.
Spurts forth.
Lush and ripe to be
picked up.
Dusted off.
Starting all over again.
From the dust, something flowers.
From the pain, something smiles.
Empty of expectation.
Not seeking approval
or validation.
Like a parking ticket.
It is here
and here is wonderful.

Nesting

I have finally done the backyard, living room and bedroom to my liking! I will be adding some of my digital artwork in the living room soon. I have finishing decorative touches to put in the basement; and the next project will be the kitchen to complete renovating my home!

I see the remnant of my Vicks hugging cold on the headboard which I will be replacing soon!

I am working on some art for the wall :)

My digital artwork and a mirror will be added to this room. But I love me my new white faux-leather sofas!

Artwork on the wall is by Danette Relic, Rowena Murillo, and Steve Emery

Love my new faux fireplace/entertainment center!

The backyard is dreamy with the lights.

My Next Background

This image I created is the one I want to use for my blog. What do you think?

Filling the Un

There are many times, I have had that unsettled feeling that I am not productive enough, not leaving a significant enough mark in the world, not clutching onto that brass ring, not swinging on that star. It hits me once in a while, and I ride the familiar roller coaster of unease. It's more than restlessness and just shy of  full-blown panic.

On my desk, there are literally 3 novels in various stages of completion, sitting there. There are countless ideas for novels and books in my head. Yet they gather dust in both places. At my work station, I have boxes of beads and bindings waiting to be turned into jewelry. In my drawers, there are paints and brushes, pens and appliques, paper and pencils waiting to participate in my great art project. On my computer are various images and textures itching to be turned into digital art. On my phone, under To Do, is listed a camera that I want to buy and start taking photographs to use in said digital art.

Let's not even mention the other things on my To Do list that need to be done. One of which is bombing my garden because after all that work and money, it is again overgrown with weeds. So much for low-maintenance garden. Time to install grass and put this albatross on the market. I'm not made for this. Give me a self-contained apartment and I'm good to go.

And as I sit, with this feeling of un-achievement. As I wallow in all the things that I could be doing but don't, I ask myself: What the Eff are you waiting for? What's holding you back? Where has all your mojo gone?

Maybe I simply have given myself too many things to do. It could be possible that I'm suffering from apprentice-at-many-things-but-master-at-none syndrome. Maybe, my focus should be shifted from all the things that are not getting done, created, achieved and focus on what I have accomplished to start with.

After a long struggle, I am solidly on the road to losing weight, having lost 30 lbs or so over the summer. I feel like I am carving myself out of the layer of excess baggage I have been carrying around for most of my life. After all, I have lost a small 5 year old that had been piggy-backing on my body. I feel lighter, more accomplished, prettier and more human. I feel like I will achieve the total weight loss that has been my Nemesis and be the woman I have always been inside, underneath, in my head.

That's huge. That mends my self-esteem and how I move about in the world. It helps my gaze meet that of others instead of looking away in shame because of the way I look. It boosts my confidence and self-assurance that I have a place in the world instead of living in a category of people who are constantly being criticized, made fun of or pitied. I am becoming unchained from the stereotype that fits a body type that fits a mental image this society has about people who have looked like me. That's got to be worth as much as a finished novel?

I have been independent and supporting myself for most of my life. I have gotten very little help along the way in paying for my bills, making the decisions that make a life function smoothly, providing the necessities and some of the luxuries. I have managed to buy, sustain and pay for two houses in succession by myself. That's gotta count for something. At least one line of jewelry can equate to this accomplishment.

I have successfully eased 20 years-worth of students into an understanding of how their brains work, an appreciation of literature and the written word. I have made them think, and laugh and be engaged. And I'm still doing it to this day with equal commitment and passion. I love the essence of my job though I have no interest in the politics and agendas that plague the system that has not succeeded in jading me from the things that I love- imparting the brilliance of literature and the students with which I interact. That's surely on par with a gallery of paintings?

Am I famous? Hell no. Will I ever be? Who the heck knows? That doesn't mean I haven't achieved greatness in some small way (yes, I know it's an oxymoron). It also doesn't mean that the novel I have been sitting on, or the jewelry line that languishes in my head, or the artwork that is awaiting to leave my fingertips will not surface. It means that I need to stop focusing on the unfulfilled and start filling it.. bit by bit.

The feeling between uneasiness and full-blown panic begins to ease. I reach for my phone and put "Save for a Camera" on the top of my to-do list.

Filling the Un

There are many times, I have had that unsettled feeling that I am not productive enough, not leaving a significant enough mark in the world, not clutching onto that brass ring, not swinging on that star. It hits me once in a while, and I ride the familiar roller coaster of unease. It's more than restlessness and just shy of  full-blown panic.

On my desk, there are literally 3 novels in various stages of completion, sitting there. There are countless ideas for novels and books in my head. Yet they gather dust in both places. At my work station, I have boxes of beads and bindings waiting to be turned into jewelry. In my drawers, there are paints and brushes, pens and appliques, paper and pencils waiting to participate in my great art project. On my computer are various images and textures itching to be turned into digital art. On my phone, under To Do, is listed a camera that I want to buy and start taking photographs to use in said digital art.

Let's not even mention the other things on my To Do list that need to be done. One of which is bombing my garden because after all that work and money, it is again overgrown with weeds. So much for low-maintenance garden. Time to install grass and put this albatross on the market. I'm not made for this. Give me a self-contained apartment and I'm good to go.

And as I sit, with this feeling of un-achievement. As I wallow in all the things that I could be doing but don't, I ask myself: What the Eff are you waiting for? What's holding you back? Where has all your mojo gone?

Maybe I simply have given myself too many things to do. It could be possible that I'm suffering from apprentice-at-many-things-but-master-at-none syndrome. Maybe, my focus should be shifted from all the things that are not getting done, created, achieved and focus on what I have accomplished to start with.

After a long struggle, I am solidly on the road to losing weight, having lost 30 lbs or so over the summer. I feel like I am carving myself out of the layer of excess baggage I have been carrying around for most of my life. After all, I have lost a small 5 year old that had been piggy-backing on my body. I feel lighter, more accomplished, prettier and more human. I feel like I will achieve the total weight loss that has been my Nemesis and be the woman I have always been inside, underneath, in my head.

That's huge. That mends my self-esteem and how I move about in the world. It helps my gaze meet that of others instead of looking away in shame because of the way I look. It boosts my confidence and self-assurance that I have a place in the world instead of living in a category of people who are constantly being criticized, made fun of or pitied. I am becoming unchained from the stereotype that fits a body type that fits a mental image this society has about people who have looked like me. That's got to be worth as much as a finished novel?

I have been independent and supporting myself for most of my life. I have gotten very little help along the way in paying for my bills, making the decisions that make a life function smoothly, providing the necessities and some of the luxuries. I have managed to buy, sustain and pay for two houses in succession by myself. That's gotta count for something. At least one line of jewelry can equate to this accomplishment.

I have successfully eased 20 years-worth of students into an understanding of how their brains work, an appreciation of literature and the written word. I have made them think, and laugh and be engaged. And I'm still doing it to this day with equal commitment and passion. I love the essence of my job though I have no interest in the politics and agendas that plague the system that has not succeeded in jading me from the things that I love- imparting the brilliance of literature and the students with which I interact. That's surely on par with a gallery of paintings?

Am I famous? Hell no. Will I ever be? Who the heck knows? That doesn't mean I haven't achieved greatness in some small way (yes, I know it's an oxymoron). It also doesn't mean that the novel I have been sitting on, or the jewelry line that languishes in my head, or the artwork that is awaiting to leave my fingertips will not surface. It means that I need to stop focusing on the unfulfilled and start filling it.. bit by bit.

The feeling between uneasiness and full-blown panic begins to ease. I reach for my phone and put "Save for a Camera" on the top of my to-do list.

From Reality TV to Reality

Life is but an experience to be savored and reflected upon. Learning from an experience is just as important as being in it. This is what I learned this summer while I was collaborating on a Big Brother blog.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with the show, Big Brother is a reality show produced around a group of people who are essentially cut off from the outside world as they compete in and undergo several forms of physical and mental challenges for the chance of winning half a million dollars. The fact that they willingly participate in this emotional soup of human adversity is quite astounding; but the fact that millions of us choose to witness this on a daily basis through the live feeds, is even more so.

This reality show is truly a human experiment; but it is not one only centered around the house participants; it very much so includes all the fans who develop very real attachments to the people in the house. For over two months, we not only witness the extreme highs and lows of human nature in the house, we hop on to that roller coaster ourselves. Fans develop very real attachments to the players; attachments that prompt friendships, online families and fan pages; attachments, that often prompt debates, arguments, even online hate pages.

As a transcriber of the live feeds, a moderator of fan comments, and a participant in online communications centered around the show, I have witnessed moments of incredible humanity and tenderness, as well as those of horrific hatred and cruelty not only in the house, but outside it as well. People can, in one moment, display such joy at someone's success or compassion for someone's loss or misfortune, while in the next moment, voice sentiments of such hatred, that it would make my jaw lock in horror.

What I will take away from this experience, is not only knowledge about people in general, but about myself. With every experience, I learn what I can and will not subject myself to; what I want to have in my life and what I don't. I have made some good friendships with people that I truly care for and will keep in my life; and as the house guests leave the Big Brother house, winners or not, better from the experience or not, having gotten past the pettiness that this experience can engender or not, I exit the summer, knowing that I embrace all the beauty of human nature, while feeling an incredible sadness for its underbelly.

Renovations Complete!

With the renovations over, I have been trying to clean up, throw away junk, reorganize and decorate the basement since. Furniture still needs to moved downstairs, cable needs to be installed and more finishing touches done before the basement is completely livable but here are some sneak peeks!

These photos are of the former storage room before it became the luxury bathroom it is today!

And now who could resist spending hours in here? Not I!

The separate shower stall is made yummier by the tile pattern I chose myself. 

Dontcha LOVE this mirror? I'm not loving my camera though. It doesn't do the colors justice.

Last but not least the inviting, working Jacuzzi that I snagged for $95! The push flow toilet for $75. The pedestal sink for $60! 

Here are some more views of my new, super fun basement entertainment suite!

This is the landing covered with slate tile. Yummy! I'm working on an enclosed storage space under the stairs...

This is the living area freshly painted and tiled. Gone are the puke green of the walls, the temporary support and the  ugly concrete floor! My wood burning stove is going to get some use this winter!

This is the guest bedroom that still needs many finishing touches. I've added a wardrobe for useful storage!

I'm super excited and will be posting more pics once the finishing touches are complete using, hopefully, a better camera!