Mad World

Last night on American Idol, Adam Lambert performed one of my favorite songs from one of my favorite groups: "Mad World" by Tears for Fears.

And he made every inch of my skin stand on end. I have since watched the video quite a few times, and I get the same reaction. That my friends, is Magic. I want to share this with you today. Magic in a mad world full of earthquakes, economic collapse, disease and death, there is beauty. Behold.

The videos keep getting pulled off YouTube! Lordy, the control... Hopefully this one sticks!


©Twentieth Century Fox

Today, I wish you all a great dose of magic.

Spring Clean

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The calendar says it's spring, but when I look outside, I'm not so convinced. SNOW!

To cheer myself up, I decided to paint this in photoshop and include it as one of the choices for my upcoming giveaway! The original is 1024 x 768 and can be used as a desktop wallpaper. If the winner prefers I can print out a smaller version and send it to them. :)

I am still fighting this super virus that has gotten a hold of me. My voice was mostly back yesterday, but I went to work and almost lost it again! So, I made myself stay home again today.

Not that I'm complaining. I don't want to go out in that! :)

As the season awakens to new life, budding blooms and fresh perspective, I am taking this moment to clear out, clean up and make way for renewal. It's time for Spring Clean!

My home:

I am not one to hold on to clutter, but there are boxes here and there that have stayed packed and stowed away since my move almost three years ago! I am taking them out, looking through them, and chucking stuff out! If I have not missed those things in all this time, they are not essential to me.

My body:

I will be doing a cleanse to get rid of toxins and prepare my fleSHrine for health and restoration. I have an appointment with the naturopath on the 20th, and I want to get rid of the debris in my system first. I am going to be mindful of what gets inside of me, looking for healthier and more meaningful alternatives.

My heart:

As I open my heart to others' happiness, I open my heart to mine. I rejoice without expectation, and release the emotional baggage that has been weighing my heart down. Open the windows and valves of my heart, for fresh spring air and possibilities.

My mind:

There is something brewing there. Something exciting. I can feel it under the surface, percolating and getting ready. I have a couple of projects on the go, but I know it's not them. Something is about to be born of my mind. Something I have been awaiting for a long time.

My life:

I have been cocooning for a while. It's time to step out into the sunshine, and revel in the beauty of what is experience.

It's time.

Yes it is!

What does your spring cleaning look like?

Spring has Sprung

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The above image is one of the choices for a giveaway I will be hosting very soon. I will be posting details on how to participate and have a chance to win one of these 1024 x 768 wallpaper paintings/collages I have made in photoshop. The winner will get to choose their favorite from the ones I will be posting over the next few days.

I am nearing my one year anniversary in blogging this month, and what a ride it has been. This blog and I have gone though quite the transformation. Its once dark template reflected the darkness that surrounded me a year ago, the despair, the loneliness. I posted random musings about random things, not really knowing why. I had no readers at first, except for a couple of loyal friends who cheered me on.

It's not as if the circumstances of my life have drastically changed in a year, but my attitude has. I feel lighter, freer, more resilient. And that, my friends is huge.

I have been able to reconnect with my painting and my writing, and that, to me, is monumental.

I have come to terms with the various facets of myself; the brooding loner, the ironic social commentator, the champion of lost causes, the joyful child, the loving woman, the friend, the teacher, the humorist.

It's all me.

And as spring awakens, so I am awakening. To change, to acceptance, to growth.

Over the past few days, the virus that took hold of my body allowed me the time and silence to ponder my next steps. My life mission. Having lost my voice, I have had to journey further inward and examine the patterns, the debris I have been carrying around, and begin to organize and clean house. Inside of me.

I let go of one of the biggest obstacles in my life: determining my self-worth based on what others think or seem to think about me. No matter with how much bravado I used to say, "I don't care what anyone thinks", that was a bold-faced lie. It shattered me when someone didn't seem to warm up to me, when I was not immediately accepted as one of the group, when my efforts were not applauded. How self-centered is that? That attitude has been like carrying around a corpse on my back, stinking up everything and exhausting me. It has been so liberating to finally bury that Mofo.

And now, here I am.

It's not that I don't care what others think; it's that it does not affect the way I feel about myself and what I am doing. So? I might always be a little bit of an outsider. I might always find myself dancing to a drum of a different beater. But you know what? It's okay! I am where I am because I am, and there is not a damn thing anyone can do about it! :)

Delirium

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It's been quite the challenge getting through these couple of weeks with a virus that has robbed me of sleep and breath. I am operating in a working daze, going through each day at minimum capacity.

Yet getting through each day.

I have had to prioritize my to-do's, and alter some into do-laters. That's just the way it is. Pare down. Get by. Move on.

I have been floating in a nebulous membrane that cannot distinguish between the events of fiction and reality. My dreams are laced with scenes from the novel I am reading (Day Watch by Sergey Lukyanenko), movies I watched recently (Cake Eaters), and television shows (Heroes). It's like another has taken over the filming, and I'm cycling through someone else's interpretation of my life.

The soundtrack at the moment? Red Hot Chili Peppers - Higher Ground. I'm in an alt-rock mood. It goes with my altered state. Sublime, Linkin Park, Rage Against the Machine, Korn. They galvanize me (Chemical Brothers).

And the beauty of this? No drugs are involved. Not even aspirin.

I have had to be lucid during the day. Try surviving a high school not being absolutely in the moment. Not possible. There has been something in the air since just before March Break, and it ain't pretty. You can taste the violence in the air. Whose bright idea was it to institutionalize teens? Seriously? The best you can hope for is that something penetrates through the haze of hormones and the angst of identity-seeking.

I had one very touching moment yesterday, when one of my students gave me a message from an ex-student of mine. He wanted me to know that I made a difference in his life, and because of me, he is on the right track. My eyes watered. My heart swelled. A moment of pure happiness.

I made a difference. Do you know how rare it is to get such feedback? Students I have cared about and nurtured, kicked in the butt (not literally) and nurtured, move on, mostly never to be seen again. And that's okay. That's life. But this. This is like a candy surprise.

The painting above totally represents my state of mind at the moment. It's a combination of a fractal I made with Apophysis , a textured background I painted and a photo I manipulated.

It's almost 6 am. I have been up for two hours listening to music, painting, and responding to emails, tweets, FB messages. I barely know where I am right now, and I have to get off to work in a couple of hours.

More coffee...

Excuse me. I'm delirious. :)

Tracks of My Tears

Every once in a while, a star is born. A person rises above the crowd, into the zenith of the horizon; and the glow is blinding. How awesome is it, to get to witness this rise to stardom? Adam Lambert is such a person. His performances are smoking TVs everywhere. His rendition of Johnny Cash's Ring of Fire, set the audience on fire, some with admiration, others with derision. He has a uniqueness that is undeniable. He creates controversy which is the true test of an artist. This past week's performance of Smoky Robinson's Tracks of My Tears, brought me to tears. The man is magic.


©Twentieth Century Fox

This epitomizes success to me. The faith in yourself to stand before others, and say, "This is who I am. Without condition. Without qualification. I do this because I love it." To be able to take the criticism and smile gracefully, solid in the conviction of what you do. Solid within your artistic self. Taking the productive and throwing out the petty.

This, the final week of 12 Secrets of Creative Women hosted by the incomparable Jamie Ridler, we are asked to focus on planning our goals.

I plan on being true to myself. I plan on creating from the core of my being, without thinking about who I am pleasing and who I am not, without worrying whether it will be liked or not, successful or not, acknowledged or not.

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I am the mosaic of my experiences, thoughts, emotions, and drives. The joy, the sadness, the failure, the success is all a part of me. I breathe them in, and release them into the world, an expression of me, what I believe, what I hold sacred. If it touches even one other person, then I have achieved my goal.

I love what I do; and I love doing it. The rest is gravy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I would like to take this moment to thank each and every one of you, for sharing your journey with mine, for being here for me through thick and thin, through the sublime and the ridiculous. I treasure you, your experiences, your insight, your incredible love. Thank you for allowing me to shine beside you in the constellation of our lives. Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing of yourselves and your art, for teaching me what the true meaning of success is.

Blessed be :)

In Flight

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Fasten your seat belt ladies and gentlemen, we are about to take off.

Welcome aboard Genie Air!
We are expecting some turbulence, so please keep your seats in the upright position.

If you look to the left you will see the storm moving eastward. They are calling this Hurricane Bullshit. It's raging at a speed of 235 kilometer per ridiculous, and is holding about 2000 kilograms of lost cause.

Don't worry. We are flying away from it.

To your right is sunny skies of possibility, accompanied by balmy breezes of freedom from stupidity.

Our destination: "Get the Hell Out"! There you will find a renewed sense of purpose, restored sleep and creative productivity.

Upon arrival, you will find you are baggage-free. We threw it all out. Who needs old encumbrances? Smell the sweet air of liberation, the light feeling of being weightless. Your steps will be buoyed by new hope, and resourcefulness.

The in-flight movie will be "This School Sucks but You Don't"; a farce about the education system riddled with spineless leaders and pointless ruts. It will make you cry with laughter and relief that this is not your reality.

Dinner will be served in two hours. A healthy meal of serenity with a side order of self-confidence. For dessert, we will be serving hot money pie topped with whipped cream.

Speaking of money, our lovely flight attendant of Wishes, Jamie Ridler, will play the visualization game, "What is your money wish?" To start you off, I will give you my answer.

I wish to make enough money to allow me to pursue a life under my own conditions. I would like to have the luxury to make my visions come true in a creative and productive way. I want to work with people I choose, and answer to no one who is lacking in intelligence, vision, compassion, and humanity.

I embrace the freedom, not to think about money, and do the things I have always been longing to do.

We have just cleared the storm. Please feel free to unbuckle your seat belts, and recline your seats. Relax, enjoy, and if you snore, we have handy nasal strips for your comfort.

Aloha!

:)

Viral Musings

Dude. This cold has a mind of its own. I have been fighting it, and it has laughed in my face! Little twerp. It landed on me toward the end of my March Break, so I didn't spend my whole holiday sick, but that now means I am back to work, feeling like road kill.

I wanted to stay home yesterday and today; my body ached for it, but there are policies in place about taking days off attached to holidays for the obvious reasons. Besides, I would actually rather be teaching than waiting in a doctor's office to get a note. lol. I can't take today off because we have a leader's meeting after school and I have to be at that.

But tomorrow...

I am setting aside all sense of "duty" and "responsibility" and I am sitting my ass home. I will drink plenty of ginger tea, eat oranges and soup, and lie in bed resting and reading. In other words, take care of myself.

I have to give in to this cold to let it get better.

And that's what life is all about, isn't it?

Sometimes, we get kicked in the butt with adversity. Our first instinct is to deny it. Ignore it. Scream and shout. But that is not very effective. Gotta fight it, by taking care of ourselves through it, and it too shall pass.

Ah.

It too shall pass. :)

Hear Me Roar!

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The thing about life is that it can be so full of misconception. The thing about misconception is that it sticks in people's minds longer than the truth. And sometimes, when seeking to clarify things, they get even muddier.

Knowing this, I want to address some misconceptions.

Acknowledging a problem is not acknowledging weakness, or inability to cope. It means bringing something into the light for inspection. Different people, depending on their perspective will come up with different solutions. That is not to say any one solution is better than any other. However, each person's method of dealing with the problem must be right for him or her. One cannot impose or suggest a solution for another without understanding that this solution is just one of many, that the person may or may not consider.

Here is the thing about me. I refuse to allow a problem to defeat me. I tackle it, until it is solved. I might get tired. I might get frustrated. I might wail at myself for not just walking away. Yet, I cannot walk away without having exhausted every possibility, every venue, every solution. Especially if this problem does not only affect me.

I am a warrior woman. That is something I have accepted about myself. I put on my battle gear, and roaring I jump into the fray and take no prisoners. That is just who I am. I defend the mistreated. I battle for those who cannot. I yell in the face of injustice, until it backs down!

I cannot and will not accept that any obstacle is insurmountable. That any road is blocked. I find a way around it, and surprise the enemy with his pants down, and. I. strike.

That is just who I am.

And I really like myself.

Whether others approve, or agree, or condone, or cheer me on, I like who I am.

I painted the above in PS to depict who I am. I am a lioness; but even more than that, I am a lioness that has had to ingest the qualities of a lion. I have had to become the Alpha Female so that I may survive life and its challenges.

Today, I read a post that shook me to the core. It has brought into light a lot of the gremlins I have been battling, gremlins that over the years I have internalized. Swallowed whole. This post is so important, it must be read by every woman. When I read Jamie Ridler's post about a movie she saw, Who Does She Think She Is, I felt my mane stand up on end.

I am not less of a woman because I did not conceive and bring forth children into the world. My struggle to be all that I can be is not less challenging. I do not love less. I don't have less compassion. I don't run slower when someone is in need.

I am not less of a woman because I do not have a partner to share a glass of wine with, to mess up the sheets with, to hold his hand and walk through life with. I am not less desirable. I am not less worthy. I don't have fewer needs, or more.

I am not less of a woman because I do not sell my art, or my writing hasn't hit any best seller list. I still create. I still have a voice. I still have something powerful to contribute and display.

Pardon my language.

But I fucking rock! :)

There. I said it.

Oh! How egotistical!

No, darling. It's not ego. It's me acknowledging myself for who I am. I have faults. I can sit here for hours listing them. I have needs. I can bore you with the details. But who gives a damn about those? They are just little stumbling blocks along the way.

I toss my mane, and sprint into the fray that is life, knowing I can do anything I set my mind, my heart, my soul to.

I am woman. Hear me ROAR!

Stop! They stole my serenity!

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This week, in Jamie Ridler's book club 12 Secrets of Highly Creative Women, we are asked to clear whatever steals our serenity. Start with one thing. Like:

• clutter
• toxic people
• toxic situations
• limiting beliefs
• activities you dread
• over-committing
• over-scheduling
• over-stimulation
• perfectionism
• the outdated
• the "undone"
• habits that aren't serving you

Start with one thing?

Okay. Here's the deal... There is one thing that fits all these suggestions. This thing disturbs my moral conscience, my spiritual peace, my emotional balance, my mental well-being, and my health via stress.

And it's the one thing that is the hardest to simply "get rid of" in a week.

And that thing is...

MY JOB!

Good heavens! Here's the breakdown: (hopefully not mine! :>)

clutter: The physical space is a shambles. It's dirty and cluttered with crap. Other people's crap that I do not have the power to get rid of. My friend, who used to be the Assistant Leader of our department, and I did a great job decluttering our office, but the rest of the school... oy!

toxic people: Hello. The place is crawling with them. Unhappy, unreasonable, uncooperative, incompetent, unstable people who just will not communicate in order to affect change. (Not all, but a crucial few.)

toxic situations: Hi, my job.

limiting beliefs: I know it's supposed to be my beliefs that limit me, but I am doing a very good job clearing those. How does one clear others' limiting beliefs?

activities you dread: Getting up in the morning and going to work.

over-committing: The 194786208953 pointless meetings and workshops at work.

over-scheduling: The pile of senseless tasks added to my own workload by the Administration, the Board and the Government.

over-stimulation: The P.A. system which can go off anytime, blaring useless noise and babble. The almost supersonic noise in the halls. The deafening discussions in the office. Everyone talking at the same time over each other, loudly. AHHHHHHHHHH!

perfectionism: Getting through the day in one piece would be perfection.

the outdated: Oh, let me see. Everything? The school calendar, the scheduling, the curriculum really being taught, the way teachers approach teaching, the very philosophy of education is outmoded, outdated, and irrelevant.

the "undone": All the projects I have attempted at the school to better even just a corner of it, being stonewalled and shunted.

bad habits: Going to work. :)

Okay, so yeah. Yuk!

The only thing I like about my job, is the reason I am there, and that is teaching, and my students.

Dude. What are my options?

a) whine about it.
b) change schools where it might or might not be better.
c) make small changes that, really, require too much effort and don't even address the major issues.
d) quit, which would mean being without a job in this economy, and I would stop doing something I love and am good at.
e) stop fighting and become desensitized or insensitive and do the 9 to 5 thing.
f) blow the lid off education as we know it...

Gee. I wonder what Genie will do? ;-)

Swinging into Life

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Spring has sprung and so have I! Even though I am feeling the slight symptoms of a flu coming on (tickly throat, coughity cough, sniffles), I refuse to give in to it! Sorry, I don't have time for you! Go plague another body!

The sun is nurturing my soul and my spirit has been lifted right out of last week's doldrums. I know a lot of this has also to do with the fact that I am not in the pressure cooker that is my place of employment. It's really quite alarming what an awful effect it has on my state of being. I really need to reinforce my barriers so that it does not get to me as much! Or I really need to get out.

Yesterday, I had a meeting with two of the most awesome women I know and have the pleasure and honor of calling friends. They are helping me with my project to infuse the tired education system here with some creativity! It needs this transfusion desperately as it has been languishing in Intensive Care for eons! I will write more on this once it has been solidified. :)

I
am
excited!
!
!

:)

I have also been working on the textbook(s) I have been commissioned to write. I must admit, I was not very enthusiastic when this first fell into my lap, but... I am making lemon cake with it! I have been researching like mad, and have put together an outline that pops! It's chock full of fun and interesting activities! I will actually enjoy writing this :) The theme is Habitats and I have discovered such amazing projects in the works all over the world which gives me hope for humanity. More on this for sure!

Today, I am going to meet up with a friend of mine and her one-year old daughter, Maria! I am so looking forward to squishing, I mean holding, this new human! :) The sun is shining and so am I!

Brilliant!

I hope you are all well, and happy! My prayers are with those of you who need them. I have not forgotten about you, darlings!

Blessed be :)