Happiness is...

A cup of coffee first thing in the morning, warm and invigorating as it courses through your system.

A Friday morning when you turn off your alarm for the weekend.

Holding a baby in your arms as he looks up at you with a happy open face and smiling eyes.

A quiet moment when you feel at peace with yourself and the whole Universe.

A word of praise.

A note of thanks.

The feel of the morning air as you step out into the world.

Laughing with your colleagues over lunch.

Waking up in the morning, knowing the day is all yours.

Putting up a Christmas tree after years or not doing so.

Buying that perfect top.

Smiling at yourself in the mirror.

Finding lovely, encouraging comments on your blog.

Reading about other people's joy on their blogs.

A paint brush in your hands and a blank page.

Your students looking at you with sudden and joyous understanding.

There are so many things that bring happiness.

It's good to remind ourselves.

To savor the joyousness of every, single moment.

What is happiness for you? :)

Step Out

It has been a long time since I have had the time to participate in Jamie Ridler's amazing circle of wishers; but this week, I felt compelled, and of course, as usual the prompt is very timely.

Jamie asks,

What step to you wish to take?

It's time for me to step out. Out of my cocoon of safety and into the world. Over the past couple of years, I have holed up inside myself, recuperating from a series of loses. I did not do this consciously, but done it was.

It was not so hard to do. I work in a highly interactive and socially demanding environment. Going home and inside the quiet of myself, is a necessary response sometimes in order to survive.

But I went overboard.

And as a natural consequence, my social life has shrunk to a nonentity.

The phone has stopped ringing.

People have moved on with their lives without me in them.

Well, it's time to change that.

Time to reconnect with the rest of the world.

And here is how I will do it.

I will take my work to a café. I have a laptop now. I am not restricted to a specific spot.

I will reconnect with those I have lost track of.

I will volunteer and help my community.

I will take an art class, and maybe join a writers' circle.

I will go out at least once a week, even if it's alone. Just to get out.

I will step out.

Get out of head, and into the world.

I wish to fill my life with interactions and experiences and people.

There. I put it out into the universe. :)

May all your wishes come true!

Seriously?

Do you use Twitter or Facebook or Myspace or any other online social networking site? Well, here is a cautionary tale.

In Quebec, an insurance company stopped benefit payments to a woman who filed a disability claim on the basis of photographs she posted on popular social networking site. Seriously?

This woman who is suffering from clinical depression posted a few pictures from a birthday party she attended and from a sunny vacation she took. The insurance company somehow accessed her page, saw the picture and suspended her payments pending further inquiry.

The insurance company insists that they use any tool they can to aid their investigations. Granted. Social networking sites have been used in court cases as evidence against a defendant. Why not in an insurance claim? But a site alone cannot be used as the sole reason for suspending benefits. It's not a medical professional. A picture might tell a thousand words, but it very easily can be telling the wrong words. There is a huge margin of interpretation here.

Granted, the woman should have been more discriminating in what she posted on the social network site. The internet is not the safest place to entrust your life. Though most websites have security settings, it's not impossible to contravene them. What happened in this case? Did she not have sufficient security settings on? And if she did, how did they access her profile? Do they have hackers on their investigative team?

It boggles the mind...

But more importantly, the issue at hand is clinical depression and the attitude many have towards it. Many believe that one dealing with this condition should simply "snap out of it". That those suffering with clinical depression can control their feelings, that they are wallowing in self-pity. That is far from the truth.

Though I have suffered from bouts of depression, I have never had clinical depression. I know those who do have to live with this condition, however. And it can be debilitating. The fact that this woman is taking steps to deal and live with this, on orders of her doctor, should be commended, not punished.

The underlying urge is to hole up in a room, to hide from life and people, to sleep away a feeling that is darker than solitary confinement. In many cases, it is solitary confinement. Clinical depression is like being trapped by feelings of abject darkness that color and pave every single experience.

On the other side of ignorance is the notion that those with clinical depression must logically be sad all the time. They are not allowed to crack a smile, go out with friends, try to change settings in attempt to deal with the problem. It's obvious the insurance company bases their decisions on such preconceptions.

Guilty until you hire a lawyer, go to court and try to prove yourself innocent.

You can read the full story here!

Just For Laughs

Yes. The Twilight craze is in full swing, as New Moon premiered this weekend... Swooning girls filled theaters everywhere. I passed on the experience, but as I was grazing through YouTube, I found this... It's hysterical, irreverent and highly graphic. What a way to begin the week!

Kevin Smith at his finest...

LOL!

Darkness Be Gone!

There have been times in my life when I have felt the darkness sweep down on me like a vulture ready for the last vestiges of life to leave my heart. I have felt the curtain of despair slowly fall on me, enveloping my mind and heart, turning everything bleak. I have walked with shadows as they pointed out the wasteland around me, gleefully relishing my sadness.

Yet, in those times, when my whole being was threatened with a subterranean existence, I did not realize that a warrior lived inside of me. A woman more powerful than all the cartooned images I idolized as a child. A woman strong enough to will the darkness back, laugh despair into oblivion, tear down the curtains to let in the light, shoot an arrow straight into the heart of that vulture. To make the wasteland dissolve into a world filled with light, life and possibility.

It started as an echo of a voice. A dream of one day being saved by some nebulous other. A longing for release and acceptance. A wish for the shining armored figure to come galloping to my rescue. While outside, a battle waged for my being.

There were enemies everywhere, lurking in mirrors to mock me, in false friendships and love affairs to destroy me, in broken promises, in well-meaning put-downs. And I ingested all of them, accepting my defeat, swallowing the criticism, giving into the apathy.

But she would not let me. Not my warrior.

Her voice became stronger, more outraged, more emphatic. She refused to give in, acquiesce, lay down her arms. She fought on for me, despite of me.

And I survived.

Every heartbreak.

Every broken dream.

Every forsaken promise.

Every maiming experience.

And I am here today, to say, I am victorious. Every time that vulture appears on the horizon, I take aim at it until it falls in a heap to the ground. Every time that curtain threatens to smother my breath, I rip it away and let the fresh air in.

I choose the light.

I am the warrior.

And it feels good!

Music is Inspiration

Music has the power to lift, to inspire, to enlighten, to move our bodies, hearts and minds. It's really hard to ignore it.

This music video has a powerful message that quickens your feet to move, run in fact! :) Enjoy!

Hype not News

Those who know me, know well that the one thing I detest above all else is intentional bullshit. Along with passive aggressive jokes, condescending remarks and hypocritical associations. I am a straight-shooter. I speak my mind, without intention to hurt, and I appreciate the good in others. I am neither an optimist nor a pessimist. I like to keep things real.

And that's what this post is about.

Let me start by saying that I claim no superior knowledge; but I am a critical thinker. I have been making conscious decisions to disallow anything into my life that has the intention of degrading it. And the list is long.

I do not watch the news. I scan headlines so as not to live with my head in the global sand, but television news is never an option. I refuse to go into a state of unreasonable and misinformed paranoia simply because the local news want to sell more advertising. I refuse to walk around this planet being manipulated by shady practices and corporate interests. I have not knocked down the old and young to secure a vaccine for myself so that I do not die. Fearmongerers will find no victim here. I fail to see how my knowing the gruesome details in someone's death will either help the crime rate, or my heart rate for that matter.

I have also made the conscious decision not to allow my work environment to play havoc with my sanity, serenity or self-worth. I will do what I can to affect change in ways that I can, but I am letting the rest of the garbage go. Since September, I have been finding myself getting riled up daily, almost as soon as my feet hit the school, by incompetence, injustice and downright pettiness. Will my chaotic state of mind eliminate any of those things? Nope. All it it will do is make my blood pressure skyrocket and put me in the hands of a medical profession I have little confidence in.

I have made a conscious effort to let go of all the hurt and confusion generated by those people in my life I have called "friend". The ones on whose VIP list I do not reside. The ones who stand me up without a call. The ones who make plans with me only when they do not have something better going on. The ones who forget to include me in on their plans. The ones who make me feel like an inferior being. I am more than happy in my own company, and I will prefer it over being put in any of the above positions again.

I have stopped trying to twist myself into a pretzel to be liked, accepted or sought after. It has taken me this long to accept myself for who I am, as I am, and I am cool with it. I have faults, and I am working on them. I have assets and I am putting them to good use.

I have removed myself from worrying about what others think or do not think about me. I am not the most interesting individual in the world. My daily life is not so fascinating that others must know about it via twitter or Facebook or blogging.

Do you really want to know about my night out with the girls last night? Is it crucial you know that it was the best night of its kind in a while mostly because the conversation was not dominated by school, or kids or husbands? Does it impact your life knowing that there was a certain measure of guilt associated with the fact that I was actually tired of listening to all that? Does it make me a bad person, and if it does, will you stop following or reading or caring what I say?

And if you do, will it intrinsically change my life?

The one thing I love and miss about the blogging world, is that it has been a venue where I have met some awesomely genuine, beautifully inspiring, infinitely fascinating and stunningly supportive individuals. Would it put too much pressure on you to know that you all have become very important parts of my life? That if I cannot get to your blogs in a while, I crave to know what you're doing?

Well, it's true. Every last word of it. THANK YOU for reading and commenting and being. The world is a better place with you in it.

Blessed be :)

New Beginnings

Well, renovation woes aside, I have finally rearranged my home into the oasis I want it to be. So, as promised, I have some before and after photos for you! They are slightly overexposed as I am not very familiar with my camera yet, and I haven't had a chance to install Photoshop on the laptop. :)

Let's start with a look into my front hallway and porch:



This is the hallway looking out onto the "foyer" and the "front door" which really was an interior door. Safe, huh? :)



Here, the front porch served as an extension of the living room creating a fragmented flow in the room and leaving very little floor space in this small area. Stinky is lounging on the sofa, hehe :)

Ready for the after shots?



Through the old front door which is now used as an interior door, you can see my brand new steel door. I feel so much safer and warmer!



Now the front porch is a little haven with an armchair to sit and read or daydream in. :) You can see one of the folding doors that have been put up. The other door is still in its package.


Just as a bonus, I thought I would include a photo of my hallway bookcase that is filled with so many goodies, and is the temporary home for some painting gems by Danette Relic, Rowena Murillo, and Steve Emery. I am in the process of finding, making appropriate frames for them and hanging them up on the hallway wall for all to enjoy.

Now, let's move on to the once living room...



There is Stinky again, lounging on "his" sofa. This used to be the living/office room, but as it was set up, it wasn't conducive for inclusive and comfortable discussions. Below is my old desk that was against the wall opposite the sofa.



The desk was only good for the computer and had no space to grade my papers, write or paint.

Now, the room is my bedroom with plenty of morning light and space to walk around the bed, and dust under it. I no longer feel like I am sleeping in a crypt!:)

The desk has been replaced by my new (old) solid oak bureau that I bought at the antique store for 199! I finally have space to store my tops and jewelry and sweaters! Stinky loves it too. He is is not far from the action. :) I haven't had the chance to put up the painting Danette and I created yet. I need another pair of hands. :)

Now on to the old dining room. I unfortunately had not taken photos before I got rid of my old dining table which I donated to my department's lunch room, but I took a couple of pictures so you can get a before idea.

The window-paneled door was to the bedroom and was always closed. This door will be moved to the new bedroom for privacy if I need it :)

The table used to be under the hanging lamp and pretty much took up the whole small room which is in the center/heart of the house and was hardly ever used.

This photo gives you a better idea of the floor space in the room...

Now the room has been transformed!

Into a living room! I got rid of my old coffee table and bought this leather storage bench to take its place. I moved the sofa table from under the window to accommodate my TV.

Now, my guests and I can sit together, watch TV, share a snack...

...and some conversation in my new cozy living room! Now the heart of my house is being used daily! Whoop! :)

Last, but not least is the final transformation...

This small, west-facing room used to be my sleeping crypt with barely enough room for my bed. The blinds were almost always closed and the headboard was at the side of the bed. Making the bed was challenging, to say the least...

BAM! Look at the light, the blinds open to let the sun flow in and me to sit at my new spacious workspace and stare out at the garden! The pine dining table I bought is big enough to allow me to spread out and breathe! Isn't it lovely?

Plenty of room to grade my papers, write, work on my laptop, make collages and paint.

I am so happy and, yes, proud, for creating a brand new environment to live, play and create in. My small house has become more functional and enjoyable. I can live with the renovation setbacks, because I have the satisfaction of knowing I have made a visualization come true.

Whoop! Whoop! :)

Mr. Hand-in-your-pocket Man

Being a single, independent woman can have it's perks. Making repairs in your home is not one of them.

Before I begin my renovation saga, let me preface this by saying I have made the decision to take home repair classes. Because in this, as in most everything, I have learned a valuable lesson: If you can't do it yourself, you better have deep pockets.

If you've been reading my blog, you know that I have been in the process of renovating my home, inside and out, to suit my needs and abilities. The garden cleared and ready for some beautification next year, I turned my attention and limited budget to the inside of my home. My very tiny bungalow which is the size of a small condo. It's cozy and I love it, but it's spatially challenged, so I decided to do away with the dining room and make the most of my space.

I went about the long and arduous process of finding someone able to help me make my home more energy efficient, by putting in a solid front door (I had an internal door) and cutting the cold air flow into my home by adding and rearranging some doors in the house. I also bought a better kitchen tap to conserve water and stop the incessant drip.

Finding a handyman was like looking for the Holy Grail. No one I know was particularly helpful, so I was forced to use directories. I made a lot of calls and finally went with a company that gave me a reasonable quote for all the jobs that needed to be done.

I was ecstatic that I would achieve all the changes on my limited funds.

Boy,was I naive.

The day of the appointment came, and I took a day off to be around for the repairs. I had decided not to purchase the door in advance, and go to Home Depot with the hired hand to pick the right door with the right measurements. I thought that would have been the most efficient way of dealing with the problem.

Again, naive.

The guy came, I went over what needed to be done, and he measured my doorway. We bought the door. He begins his work. I proceed to make coffee and sit down to do some work that I brought home with me. He comes to me a few minutes later, and tells me the door is slightly bigger and as it's a steel door, the only option remaining is to adjust the frame. Thinking he is the expert, and trusting his judgment, I let him do his thing.

Big mistake.

Six hours later, the door was in. The frame looked like something from a horror movie. I had to spend more money to get molding for the frame, foam filler and new door handles. My screen door no longer worked. At 3:30, he stopped working, full half hour before the agreed time. He told me to make another appointment because he needed another day to finish the job, and he left.

I had an unfinished door and more than half the jobs not completed.

I called the company and talked to the owner who thought this was unacceptable and told me to book an appointment for someone to come in to finish the job free of charge. I thought, "Wow! How awesome are they?"

How incredibly naive was I?

I booked a couple of appointments because I couldn't take another day off. This time, they sent two guys over. "Great!" I thought, "They sent over two guys to finish the job in double time. How considerate and efficient."

Two hours later, two folding doors were put up, the front door was still unfinished, my new tap was not installed, and the interior door was not moved. One of the guys (the one who, for lack of a better word, fucked up the job to begin with) left early again, leaving the other guy to present me with yet another invoice.

"Invoice?"

I got on the phone with the owner, and he proceeded to tell me he did not say "free of charge" but had said "free of service charge". One little word cost me 200 bucks over my budget. Further, he told me that it was my fault that the job was not completed because I wasn't accurate in describing the job. I disagreed. I asked why his man would buy a bigger door to begin with. When he saw that the door was too big why would he not suggest a wood door that can be cut to fit, or tell me by keeping this door, it would add another 6 hours and so many dollars to the estimate.

The dude did not budge. I paid the man and told him I no longer required their services; and that knowing so many people who needed repairs done I not only would not recommend them, but I would warn everyone I know about this company.

When you run an incompetent and unfair handyman business, do not call yourself "Mr."

So, now I am left with taps to be replaced, doors to be finished and hung, and no money to hire anyone else.

It's do-it-yourself time.

Handyman my ass.

I will post pictures this weekend.

:)