In the midst of tinsel wishes, and dreams of new beginnings, while balancing the holidays with happy social engagements and time in my woman cave, enjoying my own company, making jewelry, watching movies, reading, I took stock of myself and the direction my life has taken.
There's been a darkness building inside, threatening to engulf me, making me vulnerable. It lies in wait, ready to find the worst in any scenario, ready to point out my faults, my failures, my lack. It might be the hormones that are bubbling inside me as I enter another cycle of life. It might be the constant reminder that my life has not turned out as I had envisioned it, especially during the holidays. It might be the realization that I am not at the top or even near the top of anyone's list. The fact remains that I have been battling the half empty glass. I have been trying to fill it, encouraging myself in the right direction, trying to live my life as it is rather than as I have wished it to be. I can call the glass something else. I can fill it with my blessings, but the darkness scoffs at me.
I'm so raw inside that even the slightest rebuff and criticism can wound me. The darkness inside me pounces like an evil monster, armed with fresh material, ready to dismantle me. Most of the time, I can disarm it, make tactical maneuvers and avoid its sharp sword. At other times its aim hits home and I am shattered. That's why more and more I have been retreating. No one can hurt me in my woman cave.
Therapy is definitely an option. Talking to someone who is qualified and paid to listen might just be my only feasible option. Yet, I hesitate, because trust is a hard thing to find. Trusting someone, looking into another person's eyes, and letting all the darkness out is not as easy as it sounds. Especially to an independent person like me.
As I type this post, a voice mutters, "Yet, you can type this out for all the world to see if they so choose." It might be horribly arrogant of me, but I hope that this will help someone, somewhere, who might be going through the same thing to know she/he is not alone.
Ironic, isn't it? Especially knowing that this darkness inside has fermented and festered through my feeling of isolation. Doubly ironic given the fact that I have come to terms with my aloneness, accepting it's embrace like a cocoon, knowing that I do have the freedom to do as I please without having to answer to someone else. That's a very half full glass.
But whether I call it half full or half empty, the fact remains that my glass contains less liquid that of others. I want to enjoy every drop. I want to revel in it's refreshing coolness. I want to wash away the darkness that lingers, ready to swallow me instead.
I can call it a resolution, but that would be naive. It's a process and a struggle, one that I must embrace until it is no more.
5 comments:
I don't know we need to all always grade of life. I do it to. But sometime we do need to vent a blog is great place to do that.
The days has been longer and not much light.
Coffee is on.
On my darkest day, I called out "Help me. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know how to stay on this planet one more day. Help me."
I got an answer within minutes of this call. It wasn't the answer that I was expecting or wanted (I didn't know what I wanted, really.). It wasn't an answer that I understood at the time at all.
But the answer was "Get out of your Self. Do something for someone else. Show some love."
For me, little, baby steps that I took away from my coccoon, my prison, my head, brought me back to the light. I regained a connnection to the world. I realized that there actually were people in this life who were worthy of my love and who could "get" me. Somehow, the life mantra "Love is the answer to every question" found me and once I started applying this, my life was literally saved. "I hate myself. How can I live anymore?" Love on yourself, Baby. "This person hurt me. I hate him/her. How do I live with this?" Love them anyway (oh, a hard one !!!!)and let it go in love. "I feel powerless in the face of all the fucked up parts of this world ! What can I do ?" Send love out of you. Love those closest to you. Make Love your way of life.Put it into all you do. That is what you have to do. That is all you have to do.
Almost three years have passed since the darkest of days. I still have ones where the coccoon beckons, and even ones when I give into it. But my life has become one that radiates Love in so many ways. It has brought me to a place that makes me feel like if this was my last day on Earth, that would be okay. I have loved today. The people who I love know that I love them. I have been loved today in return. I have witnessed something so beautiful that it makes my big open heart tingle with delight. (And all that before 9:30 am !) I am making a difference in ths world in my own little way and I have learned that my real purpose on this planet is just to BE. Not be great. Not be happy all the time. Not be extraordinary. Just to BE to the best of my ability in this moment. And, man oh man, has this lesson made life easier and sweeter.
I tell you my story, Genie, because I want to give you hope and I want you to know that you matter in this place. By typing out your post, you were calling out for an answer, right ? This story is about my life, not yours but the Answer, I really, truly believe is the same one.
Love.
You are a magificent creature, Genie. And you are loved.
I hope you see the Love Light gleaming from the dark place.
Love from me.
Kim
About early October, I finally realized I needed to get help dealing with my grief. It was still wreaking havoc in my life in so many ways, despite doing my best to deal with it on my own.
I didn't want to, I found a place for grief counseling. It helped me immensely, I went four weeks before the Holidays. In fact, I'm going back to the place next week.
I don't know what the darkness you are struggling with. I can tell you from my experience how much it helped me. I know counseling will do the same for you.
I wish you love and strength. Know that you are not alone, Genie.
Peppylady - Thank you so much!
Kim - Thank you sweetheart for sharing your story. It helped me as I'm sure it will help others who might stumble on this post. Love is the answer and giving it is very rewarding. It's the inexplicable darkness I need to work on :)
Shell - Thank you for identifying something I have not been able to thus far. Grief. It does feel like grief!
:(
Sometimes life is tough, even when, often when, circumstances change.
I like what Kim said about "just be."
It reminds me of that Mary Oliver poem, Wild Geese.
Sometimes that poem reminds me that I don't have to try so hard to be something. That I already am.
http://www.english.illinois.edu/maps/poets/m_r/oliver/online_poems.htm
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